How do you teach HIM: To say sorry please forgive me?
By andak2007
@andak2007 (3229)
Philippines
February 14, 2013 3:18pm CST
For these past weeks my husband and I have been having little fights and misunderstandings. Like for instance, when I was late coming out from work, he ended up waiting for a little more than 30 minutes outside, I failed to text and inform him that a customer is on the line and that can you wait a little longer, when finished dealing with the client I ran outside to him but he was already very angry, driving the motorbike to full speed, I said please slow down or we will have an accident I might fall off. He never listened, when he stopped for red light I immediately got down and I ended up walking home that was a 30minutes walk and I do not have sleep yet, later that day we argued about what transpired before us…I was somehow waiting for him to ask for forgiveness, instead he blamed me more and was angry at me.
Then twice this week, I said I will never board his motorbike anymore but he insisted I come with him and twice I ended up walking again because of flat tire, I said to him, “why is it when I’m the one riding with you, this bike always ends up flat?” He never said anything. Then, I am trying to remember in all our fights before, I never really heard him asking for forgiveness, it was always me who committed the wrong/mistake.
Is this still healthy? Why is he like this? He also do not tell me he loves me, when I tell him how I feel he will never answer back. Could I be loving the wrong person? To think we have been married for almost 8 years and all the effort is always on my side, I have to be understanding him more, giving more patience, love and what more? I’m all drained out to be honest.
1 person likes this
13 responses
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
15 Feb 13
Both should always know when to ask for forgiveness. I think that you should stop from being too "good' to him. Let him realize that he also commits mistakes and that he should learn to ask for forgiveness, too. He is hurting you. When a relationship becomes a one way street, it would really ruin everything.
1 person likes this
@andak2007 (3229)
• Philippines
15 Feb 13
yes i am soft-spoken person, not a nagger kinda wife, and i will never be like that...in fact when i am too angry i stay quiet and just cry, so that does not make me a nagger right? I also believe that i always let him have his ways but i really think that he crossed the line.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
15 Feb 13
Just to add to what I have already said, do speak to him in a gentle manner. Do not argue with him if you see him that he is already annoyed. Have a talk when both of you have cooled down. You are more likely to understand each other better if you are both calm.
1 person likes this
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
16 Feb 13
I am quiet by nature, too. I have always avoided getting into arguments. Even if he started raising his voice, I would just not utter a single word so that he would stop talking. But after so many years of letting him do that, I burst. What made it worse was, my kept anger made do things that really made me look bad to others.
So, to save you the pain that I have been through, it is really much better to start having a good communication with your husband. I hope that both of you would learn to respect each other. And if one of you is mad, allow the anger to subside then talk with each other about the problem and how to avoid it next time.
My marriage always ended, but because I have thought of more important things other than myself just being mad, I stayed.
@coxjoseph5 (209)
• United States
15 Feb 13
What it all comes downto is parenting. Was he taught o say plese, thank you, Iam sorry as a child if not you maybe have to live with what you have, which you said was a good husband and father to his kids. what else do you want? my wife told me that Valentines day doesnt matter because i treat her and the baby with love and respect. yes we argue sometimes and we are both stubborn, but we say im sorry.
we have 3 yr old she says please and thank you, and since she has a Filipinotemper when she needs to she says "I am sorry Mommy"
Training when they are young is important.
1 person likes this
@andak2007 (3229)
• Philippines
15 Feb 13
I have no idea if he was taught or not but i am pretty sure he really does not know how to say those words which is rather upsetting especially when you know its not your fault. I am the one teaching my kids the good values, like basic courtesies and all, if i teach him too then i already have 4 kids all in all instead of 3.
@coxjoseph5 (209)
• United States
15 Feb 13
Its too late to teach him but you can teach your kids , and ask him to help you train them. then maybe some will rubb of on him.
1 person likes this
@lloydbelleza (1227)
• Philippines
15 Feb 13
I think you both need some professional help to get through this. I for one don't know what's the best course of action to patch things up between the two of you. All I know for now is that you hold on there since you are the better half who could understand the situation more. Maybe he has his own problems he couldn't and would not want to share with you. Try being more patient and don't bash his anger with yours. It won't really do any good. I also don't think that you confronting him when he is mad is a better way of dealing things. Why won't you give yourselves a time to go on a travel and there try discussing things. With a calm mind, and relaxed body, maybe, just maybe you would be able to sort things out and figure out what's been going on for eight years. If nothing is solved by just doing it by yourselves, then, try asking for some professional help. Exhaust all the possible ways to save your marriage. I will be praying for you. 
1 person likes this
@andak2007 (3229)
• Philippines
15 Feb 13
I will try many options as possible. I always pray for him, that he'd be more open minded, and for us to last almost 8 years, surely there are still things that are holding us both together right?
@lloydbelleza (1227)
• Philippines
15 Feb 13
And to add more, you can't really teach someone to say sorry. It's something that he has to do by himself. Pray for him. Pray with him. That will really help I believe. All the best!
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
14 Feb 13
Did you apologize to him for keeping him waiting and not letting him know you'd be late? You can't blame him for his anger, especially if you did not apologize. He might feel like he shouldn't have to apologize when you were the one who was wrong in the first place for making him wait without letting him know.
Instead of focusing on what he's doing wrong, you should ask yourself what you're doing to contribute to this problem. Perhaps the 2 of you should sit down and calmly discuss the problem, and ask him for his honest opinion of your own behavior. If he sheds some light on why he's upset with you, you can take the proper steps to fix it and hopefully he will reciprocate so you can both have a loving relationship again.
1 person likes this
@andak2007 (3229)
• Philippines
15 Feb 13
Yeah right then on i apologized but then he was already so angry, and besides even if i got late going out and making him wait he should be more understanding, i was making a living and i was not doing anything wrong. If i left early that day, who will entertain the customer's inquiries? My boss will fire me for not leaving the customer up there hangin' in the air right?
@andak2007 (3229)
• Philippines
15 Feb 13
I admit i have made him mad but treating me that way is just too much, it hurt me inside, it's like he already crossed the line.
@jazel_juan (15747)
• Philippines
15 Feb 13
we do have that kind of arguments too, but lately.. its been milder, whenever such fight occur, i always talk to him afterwards and tell him how i feel, how i felt, how miserable i felt and how i wish what we should do, i try my best to open our communication and somehow it is working.
like that waiting part, i would also ask him to come and get me in the office and before he used to get mad a lot if ever he waits for me more than 30 minutes as there are also clients that come unexpectedly, so we made it a point, him agreeing about it, that i would text him about it right away or even call him informing him about it so that he will know what to do while waiting... and things like that.
As for him not saying the three magic words we love to hear, i also have that kind of problem. I also get upset as he is not one who always do that before, but like what i have said, i told him how i felt about it too and why i want to hear it sometimes and most of the time i am the one initiating saying those words and he do respond so that works for me...
all you need to do is just talk to him, go have dinner, what does he love to do? go and do it with him, if he loves to play basketball, tell him you and him both play and let him show how much you wnat to go further and you will find him reciprocating and probably he will go shopping with you too.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15747)
• Philippines
16 Feb 13
oh so there is more to the story then, with his drinking, i don't think this is the time for him to drink, you need help with things and he also should step up- less going out and having drinks. so i guess you and him should really sit down and talk about this seriously.
@Sherryrob1 (126)
• United States
21 Feb 13
I think the two of you should try to figure out what the real issues are. It goes deeper than a bike/flat tire or him waiting 30 minutes for you to get off work. You've been married 8 years so I definitely wouldn't give up but unti you figure out what the problems really are there can be no real solution.
One thing I've personally learned in my relationship is whenever we're in a disagreement and start placing blame or pointing fingers it almost always turns into a full blown argument because we're both on the defensive.
1 person likes this
@andak2007 (3229)
• Philippines
21 Feb 13
Ironically after telling you all guys above that things have been a little better lately, we just had another argument about who will attend my son's school meeting tomorrow, i asked him if i could do that, bluntly refused telling me that its not his kind of thing, that i should be the one attending all the meetings, i mean come on! I will have no sleep by then, after 8 hours of graveyard shift work i go straight to the meeting? He yelled at me that he has no problem sending and fetching all the kids to school as if its too much of a burden, it is at least you could do i told him back, i am working, what is so wrong with that?
@braveheartpt (3037)
• Portugal
16 Feb 13
Have a loto of talk with your husband, try one more time to understand him. Give it a try, if love is there it will appears.
1 person likes this
@andak2007 (3229)
• Philippines
17 Feb 13
Actually things have been a little better now after i posted this for the past days, maybe i left mylot window open and he was able to read this, there is really no way of knowing, yesterday we cleaned the room together, he hired someone to take care of the dirty clothes and he cooked dinner for us, which is sweet of him, we watched two movies with the kids here in our room and now he is out fixing electricity for the neighbors, that means added income too...i am happy for now and hope this continues, maybe that is why marriage lasts for almost 8 years because we do not let our fights come between us...we somehow learned to compromise.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
15 Feb 13
He doesn't think he did anything wrong. that is why he isn't asking for forgiveness. Has he always been this way? If so, then he will never change. But if this is just a new way of his, maybe there is hope. maybe you can go talk to a neutral third party.Showing affection should be a two way street. He should show you Just as much affection as you show him.
1 person likes this
@andak2007 (3229)
• Philippines
15 Feb 13
He is always like this, which is something that i forgot to check when we got married, i already have a hunch over this behaviour of him from the start but i was somehow kind of hoping that if i lead by example he will follow me, i have always been good to him, never a nagger wife, even his friends/relatives and mine think i am such a lucky catch...if its not the same as what he thinks anymore then i suppose i am living a lie.
@mensab (4200)
• Philippines
14 Feb 13
do not try to teach him, because he will be more stubborn. i am afraid that the relationship is in trouble right now. please try to have a meanigful talk just the two of you. go and travel somewhere to a place where you can discuss things and plan things for the future. probably both of you are too engrossed on the present. see the big picture.
1 person likes this
@spicymary (558)
• Romania
14 Feb 13
First of all, he was always like this or it's a change in his behavior that happened recently?
He can have a problem, be more stressed, more anxious about something. It happens also for me, when I have things to worry about. All little trouble my boyfriend can cause it's irritating my nerves. Waiting for him without being warned before will sure make me explode. Only when I'm really not in the mood. But it can happen.
Besides this, he can have an issue with asking for forgiveness. You better know if it is because he is really not sorry about anything or just can't say it. Hm... maybe he feels a little remorse and because he can't say anything gets even more angry? I know people who do this.
Hope you two will solve this problem soon. If you feel tired for doing all the effort, why don't you try to relax and wait to see what happens? Just take a break from actioning, maybe something will be different.
1 person likes this
@andak2007 (3229)
• Philippines
15 Feb 13
When we are about to be married, i know that he cannot clear decisions, he does not like to be blamed for something, so he does nothing about it, he just goes with the flow and see where it leads him.
This has been going on and i am always the one making decisions for the whole family. I was somehow hoping that he would mature and grow up now that he's got 3 kids to feed, but sadly little development has only been made.
Actually he is not that bad a father or a husband, i just wish he'd be man enough to make decisions that will change our lives for the better, not for the worse.
1 person likes this
@extremefun4fun (2908)
• India
15 Feb 13
well you can make him understand how to love somebody and how to share hidden feelings, as husband and wife are the best and the most close friend of each other. You can do that and believe he will be better with your support and appreciate and patience.
1 person likes this
@extremefun4fun (2908)
• India
15 Feb 13
well you can talk to him and explain things and even ask him to feel relax and shae with you what has kept hidden there as you are his life partner and wife. In my idea Husband and wife should be the best and the most close friend of each other. I think it is all about family background, about love and sharing feelings some families are too poor and they do not teach things well. you can teach him little by little about love and how to share it, how to talk about feelings and all....
@tyleremy (170)
• China
15 Feb 13
Have you ever thought why he's behaving like this?
Didn't you know him enough before married to him?Probably He's going through something which upsets him and he wants you to talk him out at first.You are a good wife who's taking your husband well. NOW,I think you two need a TALK,don't get emotional just be cool about the conversation.
