Pumpkin's rant of the day: I Won't Apologise for My Kid
By pumpkinjam
@pumpkinjam (8876)
United Kingdom
September 14, 2015 5:36am CST
So there's a discussion on a Facebook page about whether people should apologise if their kids are noisy. Well, as I said there, it really depends on the situation. I also mentioned that I have an autistic child and, while he is mostly well behaved because that's how he's been brought up, there are times he can be a pain and I will apologise if he's bothering someone.
I had a reply from someone stating that, basically, she sees no reason to apologise for a child 'being who he is' and 'having a meltdown'. Well, OK, I understand that but, as I also pointed out, I know why my child is acting the way he is, other people don't. Perhaps I shouldn't have to apologise for his behaviour but I feel it only polite to do so. It's also easier than trying to explain things most of the time.
Anyway, I think that there's a difference between normal behaviour, behaviours associated with special needs, and children just being brats. I don't know about other people but I find I can tell the difference.
Of course, generally speaking, it depends on circumstances whether you should apologise for a noisy child. It depends on where you are, and on the age of the child but I do think that if your child is abnormally noisy then you should apologise if you're in a place where that isn't usual or expected, even if the child has special needs. It's people like the person who replied to me who make things difficult for people like me. So many people use special needs as an excuse so that people think it's an excuse when it's genuine.
So, what do you think? Should you apologise if you're allowing your child to be a brat? Should you apologise for them being noisy? And should you apologise if they're not being a brat but are having a meltdown?
5 people like this
6 responses
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Sep 15
If you're allowing your child to be a brat, maybe he should apologize for you. 
Seriously, I agree. Depends on the situation.
My son has autism, btw. This reminds me of a situation when he was 3, and he was playing with this little girl with a balloon. He was never much of a hand flapper, but I guess he did get all excited about the balloon, and did a little hand flapping. The girl's mom rushed on over, and got the girl out of there. I wasn't there, his dad was, but he really wishes he had had the presence of mind to say something to the mother about being more tolerant or something.
Seriously, I agree. Depends on the situation.
My son has autism, btw. This reminds me of a situation when he was 3, and he was playing with this little girl with a balloon. He was never much of a hand flapper, but I guess he did get all excited about the balloon, and did a little hand flapping. The girl's mom rushed on over, and got the girl out of there. I wasn't there, his dad was, but he really wishes he had had the presence of mind to say something to the mother about being more tolerant or something.3 people like this
@pumpkinjam (8876)
• United Kingdom
15 Sep 15
My son is a bit of a hand flapper! I wouldn't consider that anything of a problem though, unless the girl's mother thought your son was hitting her (?).
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Sep 15
@pumpkinjam Naw, I think it was just ignorance, but I don't know for sure.
1 person likes this
@jstory07 (148798)
• Roseburg, Oregon
3 Oct 15
That mother over reacted and she is the one in the wrong not you.
@Rollo1 (16676)
• Boston, Massachusetts
14 Sep 15
I don't see any reason not to tell people about your child's special needs. Once they know, they are more likely to be understanding of noise or outbursts. It's better for the child and for you if they know. If your child is just being a brat, then you should apologize and acknowledge it. Many a harried mother sometimes gets to the grocery store with kids that are acting up and she cannot just leave and not buy food. If she works, this may be her only time to go to the store. I think we have to be understanding of situations, too, and not always assume that a kid is a brat or someone is a bad parent when kids act up. There can be a lot of reasons they are behaving that way and a lot of reasons why mom is just too tired to effectively deal with it under pressure.
3 people like this
@pumpkinjam (8876)
• United Kingdom
15 Sep 15
Sometimes, it's just quicker and easier to apologise for behaviour than it is to explain, especially if you're around strangers and/or in a rush.
Of course there are all sorts of reasons why a kid might be acting up but a good parent would, presumably, do something (other than shout and swear which many do) and apologise. That's when, at least in my opinion, people think kids are just being brats because they haven't been brought up properly - when the kids are playing up, the parents don't even try to do anything about it and just allow the kids to continue annoying people.
But then I don't really understand some things like kids misbehaving because mine have been brought up not to. I mean, a two year old having a tantrum in a supermarket, that's one thing, they're still learning, but, say, a 10 or 12 year old, they should know how to behave regardless of whether the parents are tired or spend time with the kids or whatever. Maybe kids will play up but, as I said, there's no reason not to apologise if they're bothering people.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
25 Jan 16
i agree that it all depends on the situation a d yor child of course if he is being a b rat you need to control him first, and if hes in a meltodown just explain about autism.
@jstory07 (148798)
• Roseburg, Oregon
3 Oct 15
Children will at time act like brats 
because that is how children are. You should just say I am sorry my child is a normal child and see how people react to that.
because that is how children are. You should just say I am sorry my child is a normal child and see how people react to that.@pumpkinjam (8876)
• United Kingdom
4 Oct 15
Yes children play up sometimes but there's a difference between a child playing up and parent stepping in and a child behaving completely inappropriately when they should know better or parents ignoring their behaviour.
There have been times I've been annoyed with people refusing to do anything about their kids because they say it's what kids do. Half the time it isn't normal behaviour, other times I think parents don't understand that the child will only learn if they teach them not, as I believe some think, magically griw out of it.
@GreatMartin (23670)
• Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
18 Sep 15
Again--and I know people don't want to here this--but 'in the old days' kids had manners --if they were punished if they were 'bratty', 'noisy' if inappropriate Yes kids can be noisy in certain places like playgrounds but if they are taught right from young in most cases they will behave.
I have never dealt with autistic children so I won't address that.
2 people like this
@pumpkinjam (8876)
• United Kingdom
18 Sep 15
I absolutely agree with you. Even autistic children (with exceptions such as those with 'low functioning' autism) will behave appropriately if they're taught to do so. If my kids misbehave, they're told not to. Well, they would be if they ever did misbehave :P
@mommaj (23112)
• United States
14 Nov 15
@pumpkinjam I would say my son is "low functioning" but I can honestly say he is a really good kid with no malice in him. As he got older he even "helped" his other classmates when he was capable. He mostly lives in his own world, but he does see what goes on around him. For example, a new student in his class that flapped and hit had a fit and was "flapping" on the teacher. He went in front of the child and started hugging the teacher so he couldn't "hit" her. Another time he gave a child in his class the bottom of his t-shirt to chew on. He and the other little boy live in the same universe so they just understand each other without words.
@jstory07 (148798)
• Roseburg, Oregon
3 Oct 15
At times autistic children live in a world of their own and they do not notice others around them. They are just acting like the normal way that they do. My friend had twins that were autistic and her outgrew it as they say. But it is hard.
@cahaya1983 (11116)
• Malaysia
17 Sep 15
My toddler has occasional meltdowns, and it's only expected from a 2 year old, but I would still apologize if it makes other people uncomfortable, disturbed or irritated regardless of what kind of situation it is - not necessarily because I feel obligated to, but out of politeness. When I can do something about it, I will - take her outside the restaurant until she calms down, etc. but not all kinds of situations allow you to do that (when you're in the airplane, for instance). People in general should be more understanding and not be too judgmental when things like that happen.
2 people like this
@pumpkinjam (8876)
• United Kingdom
18 Sep 15
That's what I think too. Apologise out of politeness. Perhaps you shouldn't feel obliged to do so but it's polite. Of course, there are, as you say, times when you can't do much about the situation but, if you can, you do.
2 people like this
@mommaj (23112)
• United States
14 Nov 15
It is polite to apologize when a "normal" child has a tantrum especially if they are bothering others - plane,library, etc. It's good you apologize after letting your child know you do not approve of their behavior because it is showing them how to interact with others.
1 person likes this
@cahaya1983 (11116)
• Malaysia
15 Nov 15
@mommaj I agree. I think most people would understand when they see parents trying their best and managing the situation appropriately.
