Depression (Journal#3)

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It's not that I don't want to be happy, it's that despite how hard I try I can't bring myself to be happy. I feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed, why did I have to be this way? I have a great family, amazing friends, everything is okay, yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and gray. There's this burden on me, pulling me to the ground and no matter how hard I try I can't bring myself to care about anything, living has become this constant nightmare. It's just not fair. Society will tell me to try yoga, go for a walk, listen to meditation. I tell them this cannot be solved by exercise or medication, it's a disease that effects every aspect of your life. Your work, relationships, education, and to this day, despite my efforts to explain I am always met with blind hesitation. People ask me, "why are you always so sad?", I tell them I don't know. I'm afraid of the world, I'm afraid that if I let my guard down I will be judged for something I cannot control. Where's the fairness of it all? Do you think I like to watch myself fall into self hate, shame, and loathe? So, I hide them and I put up a wall that is so high you will never see my pain or my flaws. We create this character, they are perfect, they're invincible. We carry on living these two lives, one for the public and one for us late at night. That's easier than admitting we have a problem, which is the problem. The stigma is real and it will not go away until we realize that mental health is a big deal. It's a disease that effects so many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries. It's the kid who never speaks, the man who's always tired, the woman who's too emotional, the guy that just got fired. Depression is the hell inside of you, and it eats you alive daily. Please share this message, you never know who it might help. Stay safe, and understand that you do not have to go through this alone. ... P.S. This journal series that I have started, I am speaking personal thoughts, but this series is for anyone who is going through a specific thing that I am referring to. A way for readers to know that they are not alone. I do hope that this helps someone, or even brings joy just by reading.