BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

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@Kandae11 (53978)
February 16, 2017 6:24am CST
After two months of physical and mental abuse I managed to get away from my husband and return to the safe arms of my loving parent. I felt sad , disappointed and regretful - regretful of the big mistake I had made in getting married to the man - and disappointed at the reactions of some of my friends and acquaintances. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, but those friends and acquaintances felt that I had left too soon and that I should have tried a bit harder to make a success of my marriage. Should I have stayed and hope he would change? Should I put up with abuse because I am afraid of what others might think? How much is too much?
37 people like this
36 responses
@JudyEv (329059)
• Rockingham, Australia
16 Feb 17
Only you can answer those questions. I don't see much evidence of abusers changing. In fact they mostly seem to get worse. It's all very well for others to say what you should have done but they weren't dealing with the situation at the time. You're better off out of it.
11 people like this
@Kandae11 (53978)
16 Feb 17
I heard so many instances of women eventually being killed by abusive partners, I would have been taking a big chance with my life had I stayed.
8 people like this
@TheHorse (209227)
• Walnut Creek, California
16 Feb 17
I don't see much evidence of abusers changing either.
5 people like this
@Kandae11 (53978)
16 Feb 17
@TheHorse I often wonder why it is so difficult for them to change.
5 people like this
@Happy2BeMe (99373)
• Canada
16 Feb 17
You did the right thing. People who are abusive will never change. It will only get worse and worse. I know how you feel I had the same reaction from family and so called friends. I stayed a lot longer then I should have and I feel I wasted so much of my life. Nobody deserves to be abused and nobody has the right to judge. They have no say in your life. It is your life and you were the one living it. Good for you for getting out so quickly.
6 people like this
@Happy2BeMe (99373)
• Canada
16 Feb 17
@Kandae11 I was in your shoes at one time and I left and never looked back. To those to choose not to support me then that was their problem not mine. I was safe and felt at peace and that is all that matter. Far too many women are killed by their spouses each year.
3 people like this
@Kandae11 (53978)
16 Feb 17
@Happy2BeMe It took me months to get rid of my fear and depression. When I returned home, I was nervous and I couldn't sleep in my room - I slept in the same room with my mother.
2 people like this
@Kandae11 (53978)
16 Feb 17
That is quite true. How would they have handled it if they were in my shoes?.
3 people like this
@Tampa_girl7 (49414)
• United States
16 Feb 17
I think that you did the right thing in leaving. I am glad that you had the strength to go
3 people like this
@Kandae11 (53978)
16 Feb 17
It was made worse by the fact that I was living in that country for the first time.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60761)
• Perth, Australia
27 Feb 17
@Kandae11 What you did was right! Those friends of yours or pretty much anyone you ask can have their opinions. At the end of the day, it is you to do what you feel is right and makes you happier. I have said this quite a lot and I just have to say it again but Dr Phil said something once that you and I can both relate to. "It is better to be happy and healthy alone, than sick with someone else." When a person who is physically AND emotionally abusive once, it is already too much when he or she does it the very first time let alone all the other times they keep doing it. You are not stupid. You did nothing wrong. It is not your fault. Anything I say can surely be suggested to you for these are my thoughts and opinions but again like I said, in the end, it's up to you to do what you feel is right. I am so sorry and feel for you to have gone though such a rough and difficult time like that. There are NO excuses for people being a bully. You did the right thing and pat yourself on the back! You and I both know how hard it is to escape from something like that!
2 people like this
• Perth, Australia
27 Feb 17
@Kandae11 Understandable. Again I can relate. I had to give up a lot of things I wanted to do. Lost a lot of friends all because he didn't want me to be happy really. He was taller than me too and of course, stronger. Seriously, you did the right thing. People who haven't gone through this really have no right to say things like "You are an idiot." or "You should have left him!" Maybe if they were the victim they would have taken their own advice but until then, they should help and support the actual victim instead of making us feel even worse about ourselves!
2 people like this
@Kandae11 (53978)
27 Feb 17
@VivaLaDani13 You are right - they should try putting themselves in that person's shoes.
2 people like this
@Kandae11 (53978)
27 Feb 17
Even though I had to give up a prestigious job overseas, which I knew my colleagues back home were after , I knew I couldn't stay. I am 5"5 and he was over 6 ft - I couldn't fight with him.
2 people like this
@josie_ (9780)
• Philippines
16 Feb 17
I don't believe any women will fault you for leaving that bully. My daughter was also unfortunate to have been a battered wife. Tears still well up just thinking of what she went through. She kept going back to him maybe because he was her first love. It finally ended when he push her down a flight of stairs during one of their many arguments. she was hospitalize and my husband almost killed him. You're lucky you got out early. They don't change.
2 people like this
@josie_ (9780)
• Philippines
16 Feb 17
@Kandae11 _She found a better relationship and is making a life for herself. We didn't feel helpless but more frustrated at my daughter's intransigence to listen to reason. But love is never logical. I hope you eventually find someone who truly cares for you.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
16 Feb 17
@josie_That happened some years ago and I decided that I would never get married again - and I haven't.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
16 Feb 17
I felt I would be trapped if I didn't make an early move. trapped if I had children with him. It is very hard on parents as well. I can imagine how helpless you and your husband felt about the situation.
1 person likes this
@responsiveme (22926)
• India
17 Feb 17
Only you can decide. Sorry things didn't work out but definitely don't base your actions on what others may think. Take care.
2 people like this
• India
17 Feb 17
@Kandae11 you did right.
@Kandae11 (53978)
17 Feb 17
If I had - I might not be alive to tell the tale.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58675)
• Delhi, India
18 Feb 17
Physical and verbal abuse could make a relationship worst. It was a wise and sane decision on your part to severe the ties with a partner who used to torture you.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58675)
• Delhi, India
18 Feb 17
@Kandae11 You probably took the right decision either through you instincts or through your gut feelings. I think it would be better to forget it as a nightmare. How are you doing?
@Kandae11 (53978)
18 Feb 17
Deep in my heart, I knew it was the best thing to do.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
18 Feb 17
@dpk262006 I am fine - what about you?
1 person likes this
@1hopefulman (45121)
• Canada
19 Feb 17
I don't think it's another person's business to tell someone else what to do or to pass judgement when it comes to abuse. We all have different levels of pain endurance. How long did you know this person before you married him?
1 person likes this
@1hopefulman (45121)
• Canada
19 Feb 17
@Kandae11 Kandase, we all fall in love and we all make mistakes. I am your friend and not a friend of abusive scumbags. May your next love be different.
2 people like this
@Kandae11 (53978)
19 Feb 17
@1hopefulman Thanks, but I plan to remain single.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
19 Feb 17
We met when he came home from overseas on vacation. He left two weeks later and we spoke on the phone for three months. He proposed over the phone and the next time I saw him was just before our wedding, - he brought the rings and my wedding dress. Now I know what you are going to say next....
1 person likes this
@allknowing (130993)
• India
17 Feb 17
May be counselling could have helped you handle the situation better.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (130993)
• India
17 Feb 17
@Kandae11 May be it could start with you which would have helped you handle the situation - just a thought
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
17 Feb 17
I once mentioned counseling and ended up regretting that I had made the suggestion.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
17 Feb 17
@allknowing You mean counseling would have helped me deal with the beatings.?
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Feb 17
No! If you are physically and mentally abuse by your husband you need to move out. I know other woman who stay out of their marriage because of that, and others who stand beside their husband. I know I've woman who inspite of getting beat up she commit herself to her husband and now they are happy with their kids. It's not an easy decision. But whatever you think is best by the Lord guidance may you have everything that you need in every step of the way as you journey your life. I am really praying to Jesus that you find the best path of your life. Just keep in hanging to your faith and never lose hope. Keep smiling and think positive.
2 people like this
@Kandae11 (53978)
17 Feb 17
I left at the right time. I would have felt trapped if I had kids.
1 person likes this
@amadeo (111942)
• United States
16 Feb 17
you were very smart.No woman should have to go through with this. Do they have a woman shelter there.To help you. We have one here for years.Working out great for them. Good for you to leave.How nice to return to your mom and dad.Wish you the best of the luck there.
2 people like this
@Kandae11 (53978)
16 Feb 17
That all happened awhile back, but It is still a very bad memory.
2 people like this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
16 Feb 17
They will not change @Kandae11 . They can say they are sorry, it'll never happen again; but it does. What others think won't matter when you are the one with the black eye, broken nose or fractured ribs. Too much is the 'first' slap or being called 'useless'. I put up with it for 17 1/2 years and my body is so severely damaged, there is no way to repair it.
1 person likes this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
18 Feb 17
@Kandae11 A lot of times "we're" just considered a convenience.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
16 Feb 17
I can't help but ask this -- why so long?
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
18 Feb 17
@nanette64 I look back on my childhood and I cannot recall ever been disciplined by my parents in that way - and now that I am an adult - the idea is even more preposterous - especially when one is doing nothing to invite such attacks. Women should be shown more respect.
1 person likes this
@DianneN (247204)
• United States
17 Feb 17
I'm not the one to answer such a question. Only you are. But statistics say that abusive behavior doesn't change in most people. I think you did what was best for yourself!!!
2 people like this
@Kandae11 (53978)
17 Feb 17
Yes it was.
2 people like this
16 Feb 17
The question of how much is too much can be answered only by you. i would also want to tell you that you should show very minimum tolerance to such things. Try to save your marriage but not at the cost of you emotions.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
16 Feb 17
That is the reason why I got out in two months, I knew I won't be able to tolerate that kind of treatment and I could lose my life while waiting for him to change.
16 Feb 17
@Kandae11 absolutely. Believe in yourself. And stay strong. Sometimes we make the wrong choices. We need to move on once we realize our mistakes. There is more to life than these sufferings.
16 Feb 17
saw that pic 2 days back and thought i should share with u.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 May 17
Yeah it is good you left, never put up with this abuse. A valid and justified reason. Sorry this had happened to you, I know it myself.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 May 17
@Kandae11 Yes, the rage that it left me with helped me actually lol Truly that is a fact. I was later in years sick of being held back and made a good career for myself and moved on in a big way. I know you will too.
@Kandae11 (53978)
3 May 17
It is in my past but it hindered me from reaching my full potential career wise and in my future relationships.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Feb 17
I don't know you , but glad you left, why would you stay longer? you are right no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Abuse of any kind is not a good thing. I would not have stayed in hopes of someone changing. I hope you re in safe place.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Feb 17
@Kandae11 , just try and not think about it so much, as it tends to hold you up from completely moving forward.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
17 Feb 17
Yes I picked up the pieces and moved on a good while back-- only the bad memories are left.
1 person likes this
@PainsOnSlate (21854)
• Canada
16 Feb 17
I would never put up with any abuse, I would be right there with you - leaving fast and for good... Take care of yourself.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
16 Feb 17
Thank you. That unfortunate incident occurred some years ago, but the memory cannot be erased and since that time I have vowed to remain single.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
16 Feb 17
@Trensue What it all boils down to is that - only the person involved can decide whether to stay or leave. I am happy that everything worked out for the two of you and that you stayed the course. However there is something I must say - and no offense meant-- but there is no way that I would ever stay with someone who put my head through a wall, I might have left much sooner than two months.
@Kandae11 (53978)
17 Feb 17
@Trensue Two years ago I had shared part of what I went through on another site-- of course I couldn't publish the exact details-- but it was enough to allow the readers an insight into what can happen behind closed doors. So it is up to you if you want to share your entire experience. However , first be sure to check the Mylot guidelines to ensure that what you write is acceptable.
@just4him (311404)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
17 Feb 17
I'm glad you didn't listen to them but got away from an abusive relationship.
1 person likes this
@just4him (311404)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
19 Feb 17
@Kandae11 I'm glad you are.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
17 Feb 17
I might not have been here to tell the tale.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
18 Feb 17
People are too quick to say things about something they have not exprienced. Only you can say if it was too much or not because it was you in that situation. Hope you are better now.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
18 Feb 17
@Kandae11 that's good. So happy for you.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53978)
18 Feb 17
I survived and am in a better place. I have no plan to ever find myself in a situation like that again.
@Kandae11 (53978)
18 Feb 17
I survived and am in a better place. I have no plan to ever find myself in a situation like that again.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40246)
• United States
27 Feb 17
Congratulations on getting away. I am sorry to hear that some people are judging you - but in my opinion no. You should not go back. They don't know exactly what happened and very seldom do abusers change their ways. Stay strong. It always makes me sad, these cases, because what happens? People start in love and one ends abusing the other. Sad indeed.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40246)
• United States
27 Feb 17
@Kandae11 I am happy to hear you will not go back. :-)
@Kandae11 (53978)
27 Feb 17
That is in the past now , and except for the memories - there it will stay. I would never go back.
1 person likes this