Anger and Acceptance
@jillybean1222 (6406)
May 31, 2017 10:42am CST
I'm still often angry about the death of my son. There are days where I am driving to the gym that I oscillate between yelling at God and quietly doubting His existence.
The senselessness of a 13 year old dying in his sleep without a warning is just that... It MAKES NO SENSE.
And though I have "accepted" it because I have to (it's been 4 years after all), I still feel angry about it. BECAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR.
I don't sit and dwell on it. I mean, Life Keeps Moving. Right? I have four other children who keep me busy. I have thrown myself into new personal pursuits (yoga training, art, etc.). I spend a lot of time feeling "Happy" which just sometimes feels wrong...
But... I don't know that I will ever stop feeling angry about it. I don't know that I will ever have the FAITH that it takes to accept it as part of God's will.... It made no sense 4 years ago. It makes no sense today. And I'm certain it will make no sense in 25 years.
12 people like this
11 responses
@andriaperry (118793)
• Anniston, Alabama
31 May 17
I will admit that I have my days with God, asking why me, Why do I have to live the way I do.
Many things make no sense to me either, but I will try to push on and see what all the pain was for, maybe one day, sooner than later.
But what you went through .... I cannot comprehend your grief. Let no one tell you how to feel but I do want you to remember something, remember how happy your son was when he seen you smiling and happy. He would NOT want you to feel guilty for being happy and having fun with the other children.
You have your private moments, and get back to what you do every day,.... love the children.
4 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
31 May 17
What a horrible thing to go through! Was he older or younger than your other kids?
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
2 Jun 17
@jillybean1222 That's so horribly sad..
2 people like this
@TiarasOceanView (70020)
• United States
31 May 17
There was no warning but what was the cause Jilly? Did anyone find a physical cause? Sorry if I am asking but I want to know. As it is unfathomable. He was beautiful.
2 people like this
@garymarsh6 (24137)
• United Kingdom
1 Jun 17
I remember this Jilly of course you have a right to feel angry nothing is going to change that but you have your other kids who are keeping you going and you have found some outlets but your son would want you to be happy and not dwell on it. Nothing will ever replace your loss. It is close and personal to you. Dwell on the happy times.
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (503025)
• Italy
31 May 17
I know how you feel, I have the same sentiments when I think to my father. It makes no sense, there were no warning and I still cannot accept what happened. I am very sorry, I know that I never had enough faith to accept and it happened 41 years ago.
2 people like this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
2 Jun 17
@jillybean1222 , you so have the right to be angry, and you are doing great to keep it together in spite of that anger. No, it will never make sense, just know you are doing your best and being strong for your other children. I am in awe of you seeing how much stronger you have grown and how determined you are.
1 person likes this
@jillybean1222 (6406)
•
5 Jun 17
thank you Catherine! I try! Nolan would want us to be happy.
2 people like this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
5 Jun 17
@jillybean1222 he absolutely would! 
2 people like this
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
31 May 17
Im so sorry for your loss. I had no idea.
Definitely doesnt make sense. Way too young
2 people like this
@shivamani10 (11035)
• Hyderabad, India
31 May 17
You need a lot of faith in God and also develop will power. I am sorry for the loss you really passed through. It can never be filled up.
2 people like this
@kobesbuddy (78833)
• East Tawas, Michigan
7 Oct 17
I almost lost my son, when he was 21 years of age. So, yes, I know the horror of wondering, if he was going to live or die. It's a pain, that only a mother can experience. But, actually losing your son, at 13 year old, is the most horrifying thing, a mom could ever go through! Time does heal, I've been told, but I still don't understand how it ever could! I would be angry, for sure.
