Some wounds that time can't heal
By AllforHim
@AllforHim (64)
Philippines
November 7, 2017 1:10pm CST
It is 2:57 in the morning in my end.
I woke up with fresh tears in my eyes.
I don't know if this is a feeling of loss, or a feeling of anger.
Either way it's painful.
Let me tell you a quick story.
It has been 12 years since I left home.
My Mom asked me to leave the house after a heated argument.
I can't even remember what caused it.
I left and never looked back. When your young, sometimes you think you can conquer the world and survive on your own. I was wrong.
I did survive and is still sustaining myself without asking a cent from my family.
Should I be proud?
Maybe, but not quite.
It was never easy. At 16, I worked day and night to live.
I felt beaten for years, that I sometimes wake up just like today with tears, remembering the failures and the falls that I experienced.
The hardest part is not having someone, a mother, a father, a brother or a sister to pat you in the back and help you stand to get you back in the tracks of life.
These tears tells me that some wounds don't heal even after a very long time.
Maybe because it was never treated.
Maybe because no one cared.
11 people like this
12 responses
@MALUSE (69390)
• Germany
7 Nov 17
Is there no chance of reconciliation? Maybe both sides are waiting that the other side is going to make the first step.
Haven't you got a relative who could find out for you what your parents' attitude is now? Maybe they don't remember the reason for the argument, either.
5 people like this
@MALUSE (69390)
• Germany
7 Nov 17
@AllforHim I don't know if keeping everything inside you is a healthy attitude. At least your husband should know about your grief.
2 people like this
@AllforHim (64)
• Philippines
7 Nov 17
@MALUSE I do hope it's not an early sign of depression, is it? :) It feels good to express it to people I don't know personally, or friends online, they seldom judge.
2 people like this
@AllforHim (64)
• Philippines
7 Nov 17
They never looked for me. When I had kids, I brought them home to introduce them to the elders. My mom somehow reached out to her grandchildren but they never had interest on what happened, nor asked how I made it. I wanted to be hard and confrontational, but I decided to just let it go. I have my own family now, a loving husband and sweet kids. My pain are a secret, I don't want them to see me crying.
3 people like this
@TiarasOceanView (70035)
• United States
7 Nov 17
Oh my friend, your life has been so brutally hard and I am so sorry to hear this.
I care..I do..I can feel your sadness
I too have suffered in this way and still to this day am alone
4 people like this
@AllforHim (64)
• Philippines
7 Nov 17
I do hope you find someone to be with you. A family is not only by blood, it is also by bond.
I have a loving husband and kids now, I sometimes remember the past when all is quite and asleep. But I am making sure that my kids won't see the pain and tears.
3 people like this
@TiarasOceanView (70035)
• United States
7 Nov 17
@AllforHim Oh you do have someone now then..happy for you
3 people like this
@m_audrey6788 (58482)
• Germany
7 Nov 17
I know the time will come and your mom will be there waiting for your comeback I used to have the same fate as you but after a long years we got reconciled and had a good talk about many things that had happened to me when I went out on my own. I hope you`ll try to see your mom whenever you`re ready to listen and understand her point 
I used to have the same fate as you but after a long years we got reconciled and had a good talk about many things that had happened to me when I went out on my own. I hope you`ll try to see your mom whenever you`re ready to listen and understand her point 3 people like this
@AllforHim (64)
• Philippines
7 Nov 17
In time I guess. I am waiting for her to be ready to talk.
2 people like this
@louievill (28851)
• Philippines
7 Nov 17
Are you married now? Is that your kid in the picture? It does not work all the time but sometimes grand children are a way to reconcile child -parent relationships, especially because of close family ties we Filipinos practice.
Another way is to find a "padrino" or a bridge to reconcile both of you that is if you are willing to swallow your pride.
3 people like this
@louievill (28851)
• Philippines
7 Nov 17
@AllforHim oh, makes the situation more difficult cause you already reached out, its like the ball is now in their court. Just an advice, do not stop to reach out, always remember they are your parents, one day they will leave this world and it would be more painful and permanent and something that could never be brought back,
2 people like this
@AllforHim (64)
• Philippines
7 Nov 17
I actually did. I tried. I introduced my husband and kids to the family after years of being away. My mom reached out to the kids at some point, but not for long. Maybe they got used to not having me as a part of the family.
3 people like this
@AllforHim (64)
• Philippines
7 Nov 17
I would remember my Dad not caring. Mom decides in all aspects.
1 person likes this
@rey123 (774)
•
7 Nov 17
I am so sorry.......You must be going through a hard time.....It is human nature to make hasty decisions in the heat of the moment.....It is ok....Nothing is too late......Please try reconciling with your mom......Maybe she is waiting out there for you to return....Don't make her wait any longer.......Stay strong......I hope that you soon reconcile with your mom and win your family back.......
3 people like this
@AllforHim (64)
• Philippines
7 Nov 17
Thanks Resh. I'm at the point of just sitting down and wait for my anger to be taken away. I've reached out a few times already.
3 people like this
@rey123 (774)
•
8 Nov 17
@AllforHim I'm glad that you have tried already Take your time to calm down.......Everything will be fine
@kiran8 (15348)
• Mangalore, India
8 Nov 17
I am sorry to hear your story , and it is commendable that you have been able to make a life of your own . However , you miss your family , so why not reunite with them Can you imagine the joy you would give your mother. It is better to forgive ,forget especially the mistakes made by your close family .
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
8 Nov 17
Or maybe reconciliation is the key ? Sometimes, it is pride that holds us back from having peace of mind. Have you tried reconnecting with your family? It's not gonna be easy, I know, but one day you would have to confront this issue so you can truly move on. Don't wait till someone passes away before you tell it to the wind how much you truly cared for them. It's 12 years! One child would have finished grade school in that length of time.
For me, a wound that wouldn't heal is when my mom passed away. No way I can take her back, see her again, hug her again, except in my dreams. Sometimes I wake up with a pillow soaked in tears. I never had a magnificent relationship with her but we were okay. We didn't fight. We just weren't intimate. But her last days were when we were the closest. You still have a great opportunity to patch things up. Do it while you can.
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
8 Nov 17
Sorry, I scrolled down and read your responses and yes you have reunited with them but it seems like no one is bringing up the issue. I assume the reason is to not reignite previous altercations. I'm certain that this is a non verbal way of "keeping the peace". Nothing bad with that, but I suppose this is causing some internal distress within you that you are not getting the closure that you need.
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
9 Nov 17
@AllforHim Some people find it very uncomfortable or awkward to confront issues like this. My dad is one of those who just don't have the emotional facilities to deal with situations that call for heart to heart talk. By the time he does, it's like a nuclear explosion. That happens when you leave it bottled up inside for too long. How about you take the first step? Maybe they too are just waiting for you to initiate it. However, if you are a Christian as your photo suggests, ask the Holy Spirit to enlighten and clarify your mind. Sometimes the path to reconciliation starts with also forgiving yourself and be humble enough to acknowledge whatever mistake you may have done in the past. And the ability to accept whatever response you get. I hope it leads to real reconciliation.
@AllforHim (64)
• Philippines
8 Nov 17
@Theresaaiza your actually right.. We never sat down and talked about what happened. I have this feeling that they want to pretend that nothing happened, as if like nobody got lost and came back. They were happy without me. But I am looking for that relation, you know...that feeling of being a part of a family, that feeling of having a mother to run to.
@FayeHazel (40246)
• United States
8 Nov 17
I'm sorry. That is really painful.
Can you reach out?
Even if it doesn't go well, you will , I believe, feel better. Even if you just tell them how much it hurts. Then it's up to them to contact you or no.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40246)
• United States
9 Nov 17
@AllforHim I'm happy you shared it with us. Sometimes just getting it out there feels better.
@AllforHim (64)
• Philippines
8 Nov 17
Thank you. I do feel a lot better now that I am able to share it at least to some people. Sometimes all I need is to let it out and hear a sound advice. :)
1 person likes this
@mohit459 (12568)
• Haldwani, India
8 Nov 17
Don't need to cry up at all!..
Whatever you are today is just because of your hard work!..
I don't day whatever your mom's day was good!.. but at least you should make an effort to contact you her!.. it can make a huge difference and hope you soon will be in touch with them!..
2 people like this
@AllforHim (64)
• Philippines
8 Nov 17
Hard work and full of tears. I know in time she'll listen.
1 person likes this
@AllforHim (64)
• Philippines
8 Nov 17
I do hope too,. Thanks for the advice JOSEPHINE
1 person likes this
@Shivram59 (32173)
• India
10 Nov 17
@AllforHim It is so sad to hear that.A hurting,painful experience.Such wounds take a long time to heal.
1 person likes this
@AllforHim (64)
• Philippines
10 Nov 17
Yes its been awhile..i do hope it heals soon
1 person likes this
