I Heard A Strange Voice On My Son's Phone ...

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I just saw a photo of my son, Tommy. Those who aren't familiar ... he died May 29, 2010. He was my only child. Oh my, how I loved my beautiful son. Tommy unknowingly had 3 blockages to his heart ... we didn't know he was sick. He and his family had just arrived at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina shortly before he died. He took his little son by the hand ... they disappeared to the beach. Tommy ran, laughed, played with his little son. He was sending me videos. To this day I can't find the videos ... everything stopped when I learned he died. I was 200 miles away, yet ... I was the first to know. The night before he was visiting with Skip and I ... he was very excited. He told me he looked forward to going to the beach to play with his little son for the first time. Tommy did get to do what he wanted to do ... as they ran, walked ... played ... Tommy collapsed on the beach ... died. A group of people were near by ... they were noticing the tall, blond guy with his little son who looked just like him, running ... laughing, playing. Something distracted their attention ... when they looked back ... Tommy lay on the sand. His cellphone had slipped out of his hand. A man picked it up and dialed the last number called ... it was to me, his mother. I heard him say, "Ma'am, I have a man collapsed here on the beach, he isn't breathing". I do remember asking him why did he have my son's phone ... he repeated his words again. My world ended with those words ... my smile disappeared ... because instead of Tommy's voice ... it was a strange voice. The last thing I did was cry to Skip to come to the phone ... then, I was in the Emergency Room at the hospital. My world stopped that night ... it took years to be alright again. He was only 40 years old. He was my only child and he knew I loved him with my very Heart. I write about him time to time ... I write how that grief feels ... what a grieving mother experiences ... I write in a positive way as I've grown to make peace with it all. Once in a while now ... the sadness slips up to overwhelm me. I force myself to go on with life ... and be alright again. If I want to live ... I have to. The words are easy to write ... but, in no way do they let you know the pain felt in my Heart. I wrote to save my life ... it was my way of running to get away from myself ... it always caught up with me. I couldn't take a break from myself ... separate my mind from my physical body. I can't describe the pain, torture I lived in as a grieving mother. I've always written about it ... not to cry, whine, ask for pity. I don't need that at all. I do write about it and hope that when you meet a grieving mother you can have some kind of understanding why she is the way she is. I write my life so, any of my new friends here will know. Don't ever feel you need to feel sorry for me. I am just fine. I fight my life's battles ... I'm still here now. Everything does, will and ... can be alright again. I never knew it could ... I never knew I could survive such a thing. I have, I did ... I'm still here. In the photo is Tommy's plant ... from the night he was at the funeral home. Someone brought the plant to me, placed it in my hands. I have solar dragonflies on it ... he loved dragonflies. Dragonflies have always done strange and special things since Tommy died. I smile when I see them. I wanted to share that with you so, when you see I'm writing about him ... you will know. Just smile, know I'm at peace now when you read because everything really is alright. My son, Tommy .... 11-20-1968 ... 05-29-2010