On Having A Mistress
By Raine38
@Raine38 (12257)
United States
December 12, 2020 8:32pm CST
I just heard that my husband's friend confided in him that he is having an affair. The two were talking outside, by our deck, and I decided to join them when I heard him. As a wife, I do not take kindly to this kind of infidelity. To give the two some privacy, I went back and watched some TV.
When his friend left, I asked my husband what he needed. My husband told me that his friend is having an affair with another woman. I told him I sort of gathered that, but what does that have to do with him? He said that his friend is confused, that he knows that what he is doing is wrong but he has fallen for the other woman.
My husband only told him one thing: if the situation is reversed, how would he feel? They do not have kids, thank goodness given the situation, but that does not make it any less stupid. My husband also told him that he does not understand why he would go for an illicit affair that threatens his happiness and blissful marriage.
My husband went on to promise him that he will not say anything about his troubles (well, he already told me about it but he knows that I will never say anything), it's not his business. But he should fix this before it's too late. Or if he really wants to pursue the mistress, then he should do right by his wife and set her free so she can find happiness for herself.
My husband and I were victims of infidelity from past relationships. It took us a long time and finding each other to trust again. We both feel for his wife, but as his friend, I know my husband will support whatever his decision is provided he does choose to hurt anybody.
13 people like this
16 responses
@RasmaSandra (73603)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
13 Dec 20
I never saw the point in having a marriage and cheating. I never leads to any good and sometimes ends very badly. If you want the marriage don't cheat and if you don't get a divorce but don't do anything behind the other person's back,
4 people like this
@Raine38 (12257)
• United States
13 Dec 20
Exactly. I am not really sure how he and the mistress met or ended up together, but having this as a foundation of a relationship will not always have a happy ending. There will always be a nagging thought that, if he was able to do this to his wife, what makes her sure that he will not do it to her?
2 people like this
@kaylachan (57974)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
13 Dec 20
I agree, he should do right by her and stop the afair. However, some people just can't help themselves. It's sad, really.
3 people like this
@kaylachan (57974)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
13 Dec 20
I'm not saying you should. I'm just saying, he needs to grow a pair and do right by both women. However, if he got himself into this mess, he might not. If he's just asking advice, that's what I'd give.@Raine38
1 person likes this
@Raine38 (12257)
• United States
13 Dec 20
@kaylachan Thank you. And yes he needs to man up and own up to his actions. I actually feel sad for them both. He is obviously lost and confused, and she does not deserve to be treated like this. I do not know the whole story, but let's say even if she has shortcomings, cheating is not the answer.
1 person likes this
@Mga_715 (90)
• Cagayan De Oro, Philippines
13 Dec 20
I have this belief that when you enter a married life, you have to give up some of the things that you might be fond of doing when you were still single and your spouse should be the only one in your life from that moment on. He better do something by deciding on what to do with his relationship status because it is hard for his wife blind sided and it would also be confusing for him to have a wife and a mistress. I hope the best for him and wish that he can think of getting out of this complex situation.
2 people like this
@Mike197602 (15487)
• United Kingdom
13 Dec 20
Where do you live?
Over here having an affair certainly isn't a criminal thing nor is it in the US so they aren't scared of jail because they will not be sent to jail...they wouldn't even have any contact with police.
1 person likes this
@agusariyanto (420)
• Indonesia
13 Dec 20
This is very complicated, what is the reason he loves another woman, even though he is already married.
My advice is that if there is no common ground, it is better to separate.
It's better than floating.
2 people like this
@Raine38 (12257)
• United States
13 Dec 20
I hate cheaters too, and as well as those people who willingly and knowingly go into a relationship with a married person. I have been cheated on before, and I can just imagine the pain the wife will have to deal with once she learns of this.
1 person likes this
@marguicha (215656)
• Chile
13 Dec 20
I am not for infidelity. If the husband doesn´t love his wife any longer, he must tell her and end the marriage.
2 people like this
@Raine38 (12257)
• United States
13 Dec 20
@RebeccasFarm I agree. As someone who has experienced being cheated on, I am biased and will always feel for the side of his wife. But like I said, I really don't know the full story, that does not mean that that will make his actions justified. I hear stories of infidelity all the time, but when it hits close to home or when it happens to folks you know, it becomes a burden. I want to share it on here because I feel like I need to get it off my chest, but I will not dare mention this to anyone among our circle because this is something that can get blown out of proportion and be even more difficult to handle.
1 person likes this
@RebeccasFarm (86810)
• United States
13 Dec 20
@Raine38 They guy should make a decision once and for all and suffer the consequences of his actions.
1 person likes this
@Mike197602 (15487)
• United Kingdom
13 Dec 20
Is your husband friends with his friends wife?
I hope not as that would be a bad position your husbands friend has put him in
I suppose I sort of disagree with your description of the friends marriage as blissful because if that was the case why is the husband having an affair.
I absolutely agree that the husband should do some hard thinking and end his marriage or end the affair.
I suppose I sort of disagree with your description of the friends marriage as blissful because if that was the case why is the husband having an affair.
I absolutely agree that the husband should do some hard thinking and end his marriage or end the affair.2 people like this
@Raine38 (12257)
• United States
13 Dec 20
My husband knows her, but they are not friends. We see her around town, but that's it. And yes, that would be uncomfortable.
I guess I never really noticed that something is wrong between them. For goodness' sake they even sent a picture of the two of them with their dogs in their Christmas card, saying Merry Christmas from the ________s!
1 person likes this
@cperry2 (5608)
• Newport, Oregon
13 Dec 20
I agree that this is a bad situation for both the husband and wife. It shows a lot of trust that he would confide in your husband, your husband should be honored. At the same time, what a load to put on your husband's shoulders! Infidelity is one of the most painful situations in a relationship. I would state that if the husband is galavanting with another woman, the marriage he has is not blissful. Something wasn't working or he would not have been tempted away. Putting the situation back on the friend, (roles reversed statement) was a great start. The two (husband and wife) should sit down and discuss this matter in detail and make a decision about how to go forward. Together? or separately?.
1 person likes this
@Raine38 (12257)
• United States
15 Dec 20
@cperry2 You are right, this is a heavy burden. But as soon as his friend decided to tell the truth, both his wife and my husband will be free. His wife will be free from his lies, and my husband will be free from hiding a secret that is not his to act on, even if his conscience refuses to hide something that feels so wrongly about.
1 person likes this
@Raine38 (12257)
• United States
13 Dec 20
They never seemed to have any issues with their marriage, they seemed happy. But looks like I can never judge their relationship based on what we the outsiders can see.
I know about the load his friend put on my husband! My husband told me that when he went to Walmart earlier, he saw his friend's wife and like a coward he said he went the other direction. He does not like that he felt that way, but the issue is still fresh for him and he just don't know how to act. It sucks that he knows something and he cannot do anything about it because that is something that only his friend and his wife should and can address.
1 person likes this
@cperry2 (5608)
• Newport, Oregon
14 Dec 20
@Raine38 I, Knowing but having promised not to speak? I think I would feel a hefty portion of guilt. The friend had no right to put your husband in this position. But sometimes being a friend means sharing the load. But, oh my, this is a heavy one. I wish him all the luck in dealing with this.
1 person likes this
@Butterfingers (66585)
• India
13 Dec 20
That's like a true friend and your husband guided his friend very well
2 people like this
@Raine38 (12257)
• United States
15 Dec 20
I think my husband did mention to his friend that he needs to be honest and do the right thing. I know my husband hates talking about this with his friend again because he highly disagrees with what his friend is doing. But all he can do is advise, the rest is up to his friend.
1 person likes this
@snowy22315 (170281)
• United States
14 Dec 20
Well someone is going to get hurt no matter how you cut the cake. I think your friend needs to make a decision though. What does the other woman want? Some women actually go after married guys because they know they are "safe." I personally wouldn't tolerate cheating in a marriage and if I knew my spouse was I would likely let them go, unless maybe we were already separated due to other problems..and decided we wanted to reconcile.
1 person likes this
@Rolonzoman (33)
• Reedville, Virginia
13 Dec 20
At least he told someone that he's been unfaithful.Imagine having no one you can trust or open up too.That"s one good start right there.Nobody's perfect.He has to tell her and go from there.
