My Friend Lives With Her In-Laws...
By Raine38
@Raine38 (12387)
United States
December 13, 2020 11:46am CST
and she said that she is miserable. Just a bit of background information, my friend lives in the Philippines. She and her husband have been together for 7 years and they decided to get married last year. After the wedding, they end up living in her husband's childhood home. It is a 3 bedroom house, with his mom and dad, a younger sister, and a cousin. They were given a bedroom in the house, but of course the rest of the house is shared amongst the household members.
She said that at first, everything is okay. But as time passes by, she feels like she can no longer make any decision for her husband and even for herself. They also rarely get to have privacy. For instance, when she and her husband are having an argument, his mom will walk in and ask what's going on. Then she will have her own say on whatever issue they are trying to resolve.
Another thing is she noticed that they ended up spending more instead of being able to save given that they do not pay rent. Groceries and toiletries seemed to always run out, and so she always has to buy more. Of course she cannot tell anybody not to eat the food that she cooked, or use the condiments that she bought.
She is contemplating on forcing her husband to agree with her to find an apartment just for the two of them. But her husband told her that instead of paying for rent, he would rather have the payment go to a house of their own. He told her to just hold on for a bit longer until they manage to save enough for a downpayment for a house.
Well, I already told her that no matter how nice and kind in-laws may be, there can never be two queens in a household. My mom will always tell me this, that if ever the time comes for my siblings and I to get married we should have a place of our own.
I told her that for now, given the pandemic, it will not be financially sound to use all their savings for an apartment. Until she and her husband have their jobs secured and their savings on a level that they are comfortable, then they have to put a pause on her decision.
I do feel bad for my friend. I know I will not like it either if I cannot have a say on my own marriage or husband.
10 people like this
10 responses
@hillhjill (23761)
• United States
13 Dec 20
That's one thing that if they are in a fight it should be between them only, I would say something if someone tried butting in.
And if there is that many people in the house she shouldn't be spending all this money on stuff for the house. Yes help but don't do it all.
They need to all have a talk to make this work.
3 people like this
@Raine38 (12387)
• United States
13 Dec 20
She said she tried opening up abut sharing groceries, utilities and toiletries. It did not go well because the sister and mom become emotional and threw in her face that isn't it enough that she gets to stay in their house rent-free?
I told her she should have made them mad even more, so maybe they will threw them out of their house then she and her husband will have no choice but to get an apartment of their own. 
3 people like this
@Raine38 (12387)
• United States
13 Dec 20
@hillhjill I agree. This set-up is probably okay for a short time, like say, during a transition. But if this is going to be a permanent stituation, ah, no.
3 people like this
@hillhjill (23761)
• United States
13 Dec 20
@Raine38 it don't matter if they live rent free, they need to save money so they can get there place and be a family.
3 people like this
@Raine38 (12387)
• United States
13 Dec 20
M friend said her husband knows how unhappy she is with their set-up, but he cannot do anything at the moment because of their financial situation. She admitted to me that they were not ready financially for this, but they figure that they love one another and they can face whatever life throws their way. I mentioned to her that this is probably a test of the strength of their marriage. As long as they are both on the same page with their plans, then someday, I hope someday soon, they will be able to finally get away from there.
2 people like this
@Raine38 (12387)
• United States
13 Dec 20
@thelme55 I hope so too. As you know, house and lots are expensive in the Philippines, especially around Manila. They both work in Manila so they prefer to get a house near it. It will be cheaper for them if they get a house somewhere in Bulacan or Cavite, but that will mean they will have to spend a lot of time traveling to and from work, that is after the pandemic is over.
2 people like this
@Raine38 (12387)
• United States
13 Dec 20
I agree. I hope they wait until they start having kids - not that my opinion on this really matters about what they decide to do for their family. But the way it's going is the in-laws will always make sure that they also have a say in the upbringing of her own child if by then they are still with them.
1 person likes this
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
13 Dec 20
That's the risk you take living with others. Unfortunately
3 people like this
@Raine38 (12387)
• United States
13 Dec 20
Yes it is, and hopefully she finds some other outlet for her frustrations until her situation improves. For the mean time, I told her I am available to be her sounding board. I even suggested mylot to her so she can discuss her situation with and hear opinions from totally unbiased people. It might also help her take her mind off of this.
2 people like this
@buenavida (9984)
• Sweden
13 Dec 20
The Bible teaches us in Genesis 2:24 - and this advice was given when the first woman was created - 24 "That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he will stick to his wife, and they will become one flesh." - The circumstances may vary, but it can be good to follow this advice if possible.. 
2 people like this
@much2say (57760)
• Los Angeles, California
13 Dec 20
I know I couldn't handle that. We had contemplated long ago what it would be like to live with my ILs (they had wanted us to) - and later what it would be like to have my MIL live here with us. There is just no way - for a whole lot of reasons - and your friend lives with these situations. I hope they can hang on for now but eventually find a way to be on their own. My parents enjoy being in their own home alone .
.2 people like this
@Raine38 (12387)
• United States
13 Dec 20
@much2say This set-up is actually common in the Philippines especially back in the older times. But now, more and more families are progressively valuing independence and learning to stand on their own feet. But because of economic circumstances, this set-up becomes the ultimate solution.
2 people like this
@Raine38 (12387)
• United States
13 Dec 20
It is really unfortunate that she is in this situation. This is one of the things that they should have saved up for and secured before they got married. She got more than what she bargained for, she said she only married one of them but because she lives with all of them it seems like she has to look after everyone else.
2 people like this
@RebeccasFarm (91297)
• United States
13 Dec 20
She must be very patient at this time and I know this is very hard on her. But they cannot rush out especially as you say in a pandemic
2 people like this
@Raine38 (12387)
• United States
13 Dec 20
Yes, she has to exercise more patience and be more cautious knowing that their plans to eventually live in a house of their own can be foiled by his in-laws. I mean if their arguments are being meddled with, who knows what else they will stick their noses into.
1 person likes this
@Cheyee (8352)
• Pakanbaru, Indonesia
14 Dec 20
It reminds my experience. After got married I lived with my mom for 5 years. I often had argument with my mom about my daughter. My mom was spoiled her, and I didn't like it. I couldn't even get mad to my daughter even if she did something wrong. My mom would be angry to me. At that time my husband already bought a house. But the location wasn't very good. We both were working, so no one was gonna take care of my daughter. We never trust babysitter.
After 5 years we finished building our other home and moved out. It felt amazing. Like getting a freedom. No one gonna judge me for not cleaning my house, or sleeping all day, or not doing my laundry (I know, I am lazy like that 
)
It's my own mother, I can't imagine living with my in law (my mom in law is nice, but true only one queen in household)
)
It's my own mother, I can't imagine living with my in law (my mom in law is nice, but true only one queen in household)1 person likes this
@Raine38 (12387)
• United States
14 Dec 20
I am glad to hear that you were able to escape that terrible situation. And yes, it does get very challenging when you cannot even discipline your own child because someone else wants to do it.
I know that some parents and in-laws mean well, but they also have to set boundaries on certain things that they should not concern themselves with.
