Heartbreaking

@dawnald (85135)
Shingle Springs, California
February 6, 2022 7:15pm CST
So every since my step mother passed away, dad has been asking where he's going to live. He mentions that he wants to be around people. He wants to make sure his cats are taken care of. He says this house is too big for him. We talked to him about a place near my sister's house that is a kind of assisted living in a small setting where there are 12 bedrooms surrounding a common area where he can meet people, have his food provided, have someone keep on top of his medications, etc. So Friday we went and looked at the place, and he seemed pretty OK with it. He asked about the cats, but that was all. We figured that was it as soon as we have his house ready to sell. Then last night he started crying and told my sister and me that he wanted to live with us (and my brothers), maybe 3 months each. Heartbreaking. I know that my house is absolutely not safe for him. It's a split level and all the bedrooms are upstairs. Also, until my older daughter moves out, all the bedrooms are occupied. My sister's place would be OK if she redid the guest bathroom and turned it from a tub/shower into just a shower. My next younger brother lives in an apartment and there is no room until their younger son moves out. My youngest brother has a one story house, but his kids are still living there, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to take responsibility for dad. My sister's husband pointed out that elderly people often get upset when they're first moved, but then they settle in. I am totally fine with dad living with us, but I would have to find another place. I would either need a one story house (which is what I want anyway) or a least a place with a bedroom and bathroom downstairs and where the first story is level. So basically it seems like the plan for now is to place dad in the assisted living and see how he adjusts. Sell his house and use the money for his care. If he hates it, I can try and sell my house and find a one bedroom. With the equity from his house and my house, I might be able to find something I can afford. The way the market is, I am afraid I won't find anything that works. The other thing is, dad is 90. He could die tomorrow. Or get too sick for me to be able to take care of him. Or he could live to 100 and be totally healthy. Whatever we end up planning, life could have other ideas.
11 people like this
9 responses
• United States
16 Aug 22
We moved my oldest brother onto our property a little over a year ago. It was hard on him to leave his house. He just turned 72 and he's not in the best of health due to his own choices mostly. We do realize that it might come to placing him somewhere else though.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Aug 22
Sorry to hear that. My dad seems to be settling in pretty ok.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Aug 22
@dawnald his step daughter has asked me to keep her updated if I feel that he is losing ground mentally. He can be forgetful. She is closest and she also tries to spend a few days a month with him. Once a week or so. His kids are in FL and down south Texas.
• United States
16 Aug 22
@dawnald P. S. My momma will be 93 the 23rd of this month. Her body is betraying her but her mind is way too sharp at this age. Lol
7 Feb 22
You are a good daughter and I understand your pain. If renting isn't too expensive, why not rent a place close to your house so you could tend to him anytime too.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Feb 22
Renting is more expensive than buying. But we would be renting a place near my sister. If we move him again after that, it wouldn't be for a rental.
1 person likes this
8 Feb 22
@dawnald Oh, I see. Then it's prolly best to buy than rent.
@kaylachan (58939)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
7 Feb 22
You never know, and I am sure his feelings are grief-based. I am not sure an assisted living place would allow him to care for his cats, and that'd be the only thing I'd be concerned about. If nothing else, perhaps you or one of your family members, can take the cats in. They could, possibly, outlive him. Knowing they won't be thrown out, or dropped off at a shelter, miight reassure him.
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@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Feb 22
The cats are taken care of. The issue is whether we can find a place for dad with one of us rather than assisted living.
@RebeccasFarm (86976)
• United States
7 Feb 22
What a shame not one of you can take him, bless him.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Feb 22
Not yet anyway...
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (64361)
• United Kingdom
7 Feb 22
That's a real dilemma for you and your family. I think your plan about getting him a place in the assisted living place is good - he might like it once he'd got used to it.
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@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Feb 22
Maybe although if moving him in with me gets me something that I need for later (ie a one story house) it might be the push I need to make it happen.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (326715)
• Rockingham, Australia
7 Feb 22
This is such a tough decision but it's very good of you to consider making arrangements for your Dad to live with you. Maybe once he settles into the aged care facility, he'll feel better about it. Sometimes, they can have 'respite' for a week or two in a facility before having to decide.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Feb 22
It's month to month so we can move him whenever we want to pretty much.
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@kixsh101 (2103)
• Philippines
7 Feb 22
This is indeed heartbreaking. Keep still your dad will be fine. He is lucky to have you. He is really afraid to live in his own. This would be a challenge for him and for you too. You have a good plan.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Feb 22
I'm sure he will be OK, but which option ends up being the better one.
@jstory07 (135135)
• Roseburg, Oregon
7 Feb 22
I hope you figure out the best thing for your Dad. What about the cats? Can he have them there?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Feb 22
He can't have the cats there. As of right now, my sister is taking them.
7 Feb 22
I know some of the people closest to me. when they love a cat, then they love their own son