Would this pass as a poem?
By Jenaisle
@Jenaisle (14078)
Philippines
August 17, 2022 9:05pm CST
I started writing poems when I was just 9 y/o I think I did well then, but now I could hardly compose a verse. Here's one I did on a whim.
Is it any good?
Webs of Love
I stared blindly at the ceiling
seeing but not perceiving
The web frost outside has turned golden
and my heart grew cold and so barren
Where are you, my beloved?
Have you turned a blind eye to our forever?
Where has your promised love gone?
Are you lost amidst the onset of dawn?
Thank you in advance for any comment.
8 people like this
9 responses
@Vikingswest1 (6305)
• United States
18 Aug 22
I liked it. The best work comes from a whim sometimes.
2 people like this
@Jenaisle (14078)
• Philippines
27 Aug 22
@Vikingswest1 Wow, your comment made me smile. Indeed, you got perfectly the thoughts I was trying to convey.
Thank you for this. I am considering it a compliment. Enjoy your day.
1 person likes this
@Vikingswest1 (6305)
• United States
26 Aug 22
@Jenaisle
I politely disagree. I wouldn't change a thing.
On a side note, I envisioned the poem being authored by an older person with a spouse with an illness or dementia. The hurt of the loss of a loved partner that is still present, even though they suffer from a diminished capacity.
I'm not sure of your inner source that gave birth to these thoughts but the words were powerful and universal.
I say it was a wonderful piece of work.
1 person likes this
I am just curious about the picture you have posted, where is that located?
@ShyBear88 (59282)
• Sterling, Virginia
18 Aug 22
I like it but have a hard time with the third and fourth line and that might be just me. Poems where never my strong thing when it came to writing like describing something I’m very good with that and creative
2 people like this
@ShyBear88 (59282)
• Sterling, Virginia
23 Aug 22
@Jenaisle that’s okay! Nobody understand everything poems they read. It’s all about how you see it when you hear or read it.
1 person likes this
@RebeccasFarm (86754)
• United States
18 Aug 22
It is beautiful and yes most definitely this is poetry
1 person likes this
@RebeccasFarm (86754)
• United States
23 Aug 22
@Jenaisle Welcome always my friend
1 person likes this
@luisga814 (6913)
• Quezon City, Philippines
18 Aug 22
I do love the content. My comment is for the second stanza, it should not be written in question marks for every line. A stanza if needed for a question mark should be in the 4th line. I suggest, you need to reconstruct the 1st 3 lines of the 2nd stanza in order not to be a question but the same thought.
Just an opinion.
2 people like this
@Jenaisle (14078)
• Philippines
23 Aug 22
Recommendations accepted. I didn't plan t write the third stanza so I ended it up like that. Perhaps, I can edit it as:
I no longer see you around, my beloved.
You have forgotten our promises of forever.
You broke your vow and now I am alone.
waiting for the onset of dawn
Is this how you want the 2nd stanza? 
1 person likes this
@luisga814 (6913)
• Quezon City, Philippines
23 Aug 22
@Jenaisle This is much better.
1 person likes this
@Butterfingers (66585)
• India
18 Aug 22
Its good and you can start working on your poetry skills
1 person likes this
