We need to stop putting an age limit on some milestones/success
By Sissy15
@sissy15 (12269)
United States
July 9, 2023 11:57pm CST
People often have expectations for certain milestones. We talk about how old a child should be doing certain things. I'm not necessarily talking about things that could mean there is something medically wrong like first steps or first words I'm talking about milestones like how old a child should be when they learn how to do something.
Even as adults we put an age limit on things. We feel like if we aren't doing something by a certain age we are somehow failing. As a full grown adult, I often doubt my abilities. I especially wonder if I'm doing something wrong as a parent if my son isn't doing something other kids his age are doing because as a society we shame parents whenever a child fails to meet societal norms for things.
I think back to my own childhood and my parents very hands-off approach to parenting and how I very easily could have died a few times from lack of supervision but how not having constant help all the time forced me to learn to do things but that was the norm back when I was a kid. Most parents were hands off, my parents were in their early 40s when I was born and I was the youngest so at that point they were just tired and I had to do a lot for myself.
Today my son reached a big milestone at the age of 12 that a lot of kids know how to do at six or seven and I threw those expectations in the trash and was just proud of him. My son learned to fully and officially ride his bike. We used to take him out every day when it was nice when he was little on his smaller bike with training wheels but he was never confident enough for us to take them off. He's always been a very cautious child and he would scream in terror at the mere thought of riding without training wheels.
We tried on repeat over the years with no success to get him to learn but last year we briefly started getting him to ride without training wheels but it didn't last long since we were so busy he didn't have much time to be on his bike but this summer we had some time. Considering he hadn't ridden his bike in almost a year and it only took an hour for him to be zooming around on it without falter I'd say he did well.
I encouraged him and supported him and told him he should be proud of himself for his achievement. He actually loved riding it too once he gained the confidence he needed. He asked if he could go back out and ride again tomorrow if it was nice out and I told him he could go out and ride whenever he wanted as long as he let me know where he is going to go and keeps his phone on him.
Learning to ride a bike gives a child a form of freedom and I'm sad it didn't happen for him sooner but am just proud he got there. My son is an only child and never had older siblings to teach or lead him the way I did as a kid. My older brother is the one who got me riding my bike by telling me he was holding onto the seat and then letting go. Like my son, I always lacked confidence in my abilities so I needed to be shown I was capable. An adult helping doesn't always help the way another child does. Kids want to keep up with other kids.
People laugh and mock kids who learn to do things late not realizing how big of a milestone it really is for them and their parents. My son has a lot of things going on between emotional control issues, sensory processing disorder, and possibly ADHD and autism (I've refused to have him tested for both as he seems to be getting what he needs now). Every milestone is big no matter when it happens. Some kids are just later to the game than others and we shouldn't make them feel bad about how long it took them and just be happy they accomplished it.
I'm so tired of people being nasty and mean and taking away someone's joy because of when they accomplished something instead of being happy they did. Stop placing a time frame on things. It's ok to not have it all together by the time you're 30. It's ok to learn to ride a bike at 12 or tie your shoes at 10. My son has fine motor issues so tying his shoes was a real struggle but I was happy he learned.
I get so annoyed when people act like my son's accomplishments aren't accomplishments but rather expectations that should have been met long before now. They don't know his story or why he is accomplishing things later than is considered "normal". I always tell him to be proud of himself. Everyone that loves him is proud of him. Anyone that knows him knows why he learned things later. He is this amazing kid with a heart of gold but lacks confidence and has some fine motor issues and bad anxiety. It makes a lot of things a struggle for him and takes him longer to learn to do things. It doesn't take away from how amazing he is. If anything I feel like it makes him more amazing to have everything in his way but getting there eventually anyway. He has to work harder for some things and it teaches him how capable he is even if he is sometimes slower at getting there he has persistence and that's going to help him in the long run.
8 people like this
8 responses
@crossbones27 (48542)
• Mojave, California
10 Jul
Great point you make. I stopped listening to society a long time ago with things like that. It really gets you no where in this world. It makes living miserable too but I imagine a bit different for you since trying to look out for your son. Its where you just have to trust what you taught him .
There is no age limit in life. It takes as long as it takes. If it takes to when you become 99 before you get what you are trying to get, then that is how long it takes. Society can't and never can teach that. They actually kind of refuse.
2 people like this
@sissy15 (12269)
• United States
18 Jul
I agree, I'm protective of my son and I'll defend him to whoever I need to before I let someone belittle him because he didn't meet their expectations of "normal". We all get to where we need to be eventually. Some of us aren't meant to do some things and that's ok. We are all on our own path in life and we just aren't destined for some things and other things we learn in our own time. I always tell my son to be proud of himself when he does something no matter what anyone says because he did it and that's all that matters not how long it took him. If anything he needs to be proud that he stayed with it to get there. He has come to some things later than other kids but he got there. There are things he did early and there are things he did later and that no matter when he accomplished something he needs to be proud he did it. I remember being emotional when they told me that he graduated from the OT services at school. His handwriting still isn't the best but you can read it now. I was so proud of how hard he worked to get to where he is. It doesn't matter to me that it took him longer to get to where he is all that matters is that he got there. He has had to work so hard for almost everything in his life but he keeps going and for that, I'm so incredibly proud of him.
2 people like this
@crossbones27 (48542)
• Mojave, California
20 Jul
@sissy15 Amen, that is it. Not everything comes easy for many people that society just thinks is normally easy. The important thing is he works hard and never gives up. Most people give up when something is hard and does not come easy to them. So good for him, he does have a lot to be proud about.
Later in life when he can do his own thing and not so forced like out of the gate because society is trying to teach him the basics he, can figure out what he is good at and have a passion for it. I wish they would teach more of that. Finding your passion in school and then maybe kids or everyone will write better and stuff that we do not really like to do but society says its important to know.
1 person likes this
@sissy15 (12269)
• United States
20 Jul
@crossbones27 He isn't like that with everything unfortunately he gets frustrated easily when he finds something hard. He quit violin because it was too hard. I usually make him stick with stuff he wants to try but if it's something that makes him miserable I'll let him quit. I want him to try things before he just gives up but sometimes I have to know when to let go. If we enjoy something that makes it easier to keep going if we hate it that makes it harder.
There's actually a form of homeschooling called unschooling where kids learn about the things they are interested in. I feel like that's an amazing thing to do with kids as long as you also teach them the things they need to know too like basic math and reading but a lot of the stuff they teach kids in school they don't need to know. I don't know when in life most kids are going to use algebra unless it's part of the field they want to go into. Most kids just need to know basic math. Kids don't need to dissect animals but of course, they make them. I know that's going to cause my child trauma later. He can't handle stuff like that but they'll force it on him. I wish my son could do the things he really wants to do in life and learn the things he enjoys learning about. I've been told on repeat how bright he is by his teachers but they all say he struggles with things he finds undesirable. He's an amazing and sweet kid but he is also hard-headed which is both good and bad with him. When he finally wants to do something he's great at persisting but when he doesn't want to do something it's like pulling teeth to get him to do stuff. I wish we could do some form of unschooling with him but Ohio state law has a pretty strict curriculum that has to be followed for homeschooling and I don't think it'd be easy on any of us to homeschool him. He also needs the social aspect of school.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
10 Jul
I had a very strict grandmother who watched out for me while my mom worked. I remember more than once getting 'switched' home. That willow branch stung and I remembered my lesson well. Your son sounds like my grandson. He is so smart and has a heart of gold too. He has his limitations and yet he does so much it is amazing. Persistence and consistency are so important.
2 people like this
@sissy15 (12269)
• United States
18 Jul
I got "the switch" once as a child and it was a lesson I never forgot. It was also the only time I ever remember my mom being the one to punish us. My dad usually was the one to spank or ground us. My mom was furious though because she told us not to do something that was dangerous and we did it anyway and I can honestly say the lesson stuck. My son is a very cautious kid and has been since he was like three. At two I questioned him a bit but eventually, he got to the point he was terrified to do anything he knew could hurt him which is why it took him so long to learn. Persistence and consistency are very important. My son has had to learn how to keep going in spite of fear. He even wiped out on his bike the other day and he sat there for a minute before getting back up but was fine albeit didn't want to go back on his bike but not because he was scared but because he skinned up his leg pretty bad and didn't want to try peddling so he is waiting for it to heal more before going back out. He told me he loves when the air hits his face when he is riding.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
18 Jul
@sissy15 .........I used to climb a hill here in the North End because I enjoyed riding back down it in the heat of summer. The air on my face. I know what he means.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (37969)
• Philippines
10 Jul
I think they are only used as a basis that at this point in time, they have already achieved or done this already but it shouldn't be forced on a child if they aren't able to follow the normal development stage. Like for a baby, it usually starts at 6 mos. when they would start or try to walk. But it doesn't mean that if the child is not able to do so he is labeled as not normal anymore. Maybe it should first be determined by the doctor why it is like that.
2 people like this
@sissy15 (12269)
• United States
18 Jul
6 mos is incredibly young for a baby to walk but it does happen on rare occasions (my brother and sister both walked at about that young but usually this is the crawling age) usually they consider normal walking development between 9 and 18 months one being the earlier side of the spectrum and the other being later with the average being around 12 months (I went to school for Early Childhood Education so child development is something I know a lot about) the thing about "normal" that we often don't consider isn't always ability or lack of but other things surrounding them. It wasn't that my son wasn't capable of riding a bike he was just too afraid to try. Kids need to do things in their own time when they are comfortable. We push kids into doing things we feel they should be doing without acknowledging the fact that they may not be emotionally ready for it. When we push kids into things we are making them feel like there's something wrong with them even when there isn't. My son could have ridden a bike earlier if he had confidence but he didn't and confidence is needed with some things and riding a bike is one of them. My son has amazing balance but he didn't want to try from fear and sometimes you need to help them work through that fear and other times you need for them to push through it themselves. We did everything we could think of to make it less scary for him but he had to get there on his own.
As adults, we always feel like we know best and we try and push things on kids they aren't ready for. A child sometimes has to be ready for something and that's something only they can figure out. We need to push everything we consider "normal" to the side and let kids do things in their own time. Sometimes we do need to see a doctor because developmentally some things need to be happening or there could be something medically wrong (like walking or talking) but for things like riding a bike a lot of that is based on their confidence. Kids need to feel confident before they can do some things and sometimes delays in certain things can also cause them to be later doing things and we need to take that into consideration too. We need to just be proud of them whenever they accomplish something no matter when they accomplish it. We need to stop putting age limits on things. Kids will get there when they're meant to and not a second before.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (37969)
• Philippines
19 Jul
@sissy15 That is true, we shouldn't enforce them to what they are supposed to be able doing at this point in their stage. If its delayed according to what the medical developmental stages should be it should be still be determined by a professional why this is so. My son I believe was on track on his height by several months but after the 6th or 8th he slowed down again but generally my son grew up like any normal kid around.
@summerscent (335)
• Philippines
10 Jul
I'm happy for you and your son :). I am anxious about my preemie boy learning slowly and unable to say any words. Like what many people have been telling me that every child's development is different; don't try to rush on things. I should be thankful that he was slowly catching up with the kids his age. At least he is not standing still. I need to be patient with him and continue the good things we do together. Yes, even as an adult, everyone has his/her timing in life, we just have to respect it. Thank you for sharing this :).
2 people like this
@sissy15 (12269)
• United States
18 Jul
Thank you, and your son will get where he needs to be. I studied Early Childhood Education and I know a lot about child development and most premies do catch up with where they need to be but sometimes it just does take some time. I feel like a lot of the issues we have are because we do try and rush things instead of taking things at our own time. Everyone gets where they need to be eventually and we need to stop putting a timeframe on it.
1 person likes this
@sissy15 (12269)
• United States
18 Jul
I started on training wheels when I was about four or five and I was riding without them at six. That was a common age when I was a kid to ride without training wheels. Kids are learning later and later now and sometimes it's just because kids are more likely to be inside glued to a screen than outside riding a bike. My nephew learned how to ride a bike without training wheels at three because they started him on a balance bike. My son didn't have a balance bike but I wish we did have one for him. I would probably do a lot of things differently looking back but even if I did he may still not have learned until now. Kids have to get places in their own time no matter when that is.
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