I don't understand kicking your kids out once they are 18/graduated

@sissy15 (12269)
United States
February 24, 2024 3:52pm CST
I've never understood parents who are in such a hurry to get rid of their kids when they turn 18 or don't want to be a part of their grandchildren's lives because they've already raised their kids and don't want to babysit. I understand grandparents maybe wanting a life and not wanting to do it all the time but I don't understand grandparents who just don't want a part in their grandchildrens lives. My parents were always happy to take my son. I would be happy to watch my son's children if he ever has them. I am not in a hurry for him to grow up and move out. I love watching him grow up. Life is expensive and tough and if he needs to live with me until he's 40 I'd be ok with it. There are cultures where entire extended families live together and I think that's amazing. I can understand differences in lifestyles and things but I don't understand just wanting my kid gone. I love him and he's an amazing kid and I would hate to see him struggling if he doesn't have to. Yes, struggling is part of life but as long as I have the means to help him I want him to feel like I'm home. He's going to struggle enough in about every other area of life he should always know he can come home. I want him to know that as long as I'm here I will always be home. There's nothing wrong with expectations like expecting them to have a job and doing things to help around the house but just telling them to get out because they're an adult now seems a bit harsh. I love having my kid around and I'm more than fine with him staying as long as he needs to so long as he also has a realistic idea of how the world works but I want him to always feel like my home is his home and that when life has been hard he can come to me. I'm his mom and that doesn't stop once he becomes an adult. I want him to grow up and get experiences and move away if that's what he wants and I want him to always follow his ambitions even if that means leaving the comfort of home but I also always want him to know it's here when he needs a safe harbor. I've met parents who genuinely don't seem to care much about their kids or grandchildren. It baffles me why they ever even had them. They acted like having children was a prison sentence. I guess I don't understand that because my child is my world. I want so much for him and I hate that one day he'll probably grow up and leave but as much as I hate it I also want him to do whatever he needs to do to go far in life. I don't hate him growing up but I hate that it's happening so fast. I also hate that the older he gets the harder it gets to protect him. He is learning to fight his own battles and advocate for himself and that's so important. As a mom, the struggle is wanting to protect them and let them learn to do things for themselves. I don't like letting him go places without me but I don't stop him because that's part of growing up. I don't want to completely shelter him. He started riding the bus for the first time this year in the mornings and that was hard. My son has sensory issues and up until this year the bus would have been difficult for him because it would have been sensory overload but we felt he was ready and he didn't have much of a choice due to scheduling and I told him to just let me know when he made it to the bus stop and let me know when he was safely on the bus. His stop is near an area I don't feel super is the safest but I also know he needs to be able to go to the stop himself and wait by himself without his mom being there with him. I walked him the first day just so he knew where it was and how to get there (his stop is not near us but my dad's because that's where we go in the mornings) and then I make him message me so I know he is safe and I know he's getting on the bus. It's pretty dark when he goes in the mornings and sometimes he's the first one to the stop since we are a bit of a way from it and I just like knowing he's safe. It sounds crazy I'm sure but I felt this was the best way to give him freedom while also knowing he's safe. I make him text me whenever he goes with anyone without us. It helps ease my anxiety by knowing he is safe while also giving him some freedom of being without me. A time will come when I no longer get those texts or even know where he is and that terrifies me but right now I still have a little bit of control and still have some ability to protect him and I try to use it wisely so he gets to experience freedom while also doing my best to keep him safe. Unfortunately, we can't always keep them safe or protect them. You can't always be there and I think that's the hardest part of parenting. I am not a helicopter parent. I understand kids need freedom and boundaries. I do my best to find a happy medium. My point I guess is this, I want to be there for my child while also wanting him to have freedom and know he can always come home. I want him to have experiences and not let my fears keep him from growing up. I never want to be that parent that makes my child feel like once he is 18 I'm no longer his parent and just want him out of my house. I want him to grow up but he can do that whether he lives at home or far away. My home will always be his home whether he chooses to live with me or not. Just because he lives with me does not make him less of an adult. He can have a job and go out and have experiences and know I'm here, especially with the way the economy is if he needs to live with me to make his dreams happen he is welcome to. I told him as long as I could afford to take care of the bills I'd not make him pay rent as long as he was helping out but if I needed assistance with bills I'd have him help.
4 people like this
3 responses
@celticeagle (158485)
• Boise, Idaho
25 Feb
It is amazing. I think some people must think they have to have kids. Like it's a keeping up with the Jones' sour of a thing. I don't know. Failure to launch is the opposite of this I think when the parents don't want their kids to leave and spoil them. Some people are just weird----Period.
1 person likes this
@sissy15 (12269)
• United States
26 Feb
I agree, I think there's a difference between spoiling your children and having a mutually beneficial living arrangement. Sometimes that arrangement may be financial with both paying bills or other times it might be one paying all of the bills while the other helps with things around the house and does stuff that contributes to the household sometimes it's both but it's whatever works for both parties. Really it isn't anyone's business how someone decides to live as long as it isn't hurting anyone and I hate how people treat adult children who live with their parents like they are some sort of failure. I feel like doing what makes sense for you financially and otherwise, doesn't make you a failure. I have lived with my mom for quite some time but I have done my share. My husband and I paid all of the bills which was almost triple the rent she paid and we made her dinner and did a lot of stuff she couldn't do. People always acted like we were somehow taking advantage of her not realizing everything we did for her until later years. At first we lived with her until we got more on our feet and she paid the bills but eventually, we took over and paid way more than she did. Sometimes people need help and that's what families are for. I later helped my mom more than she helped us. She's now in a nursing home for the time being but I offered to continue to take care of her and she didn't want that and wants a nice small apartment where she can have someone come in and help her. Our bills with my mom not here went down a ton because she used a lot of water and was constantly using her electric fireplace which cost a ton.
1 person likes this
@sissy15 (12269)
• United States
1 Mar
@celticeagle People can be incredibly judgmental about situations they don't understand. There are still plenty of countries and cultures that have multi-generational homes. We are not the norm. Everyone can benefit from a multi-generational home. It's so much better than kicking the elderly to the curb and having adults struggle with bills while kids end up raising themselves because they have no one to watch them. Everyone gets something out of the arrangement. People shouldn't have to struggle to prove they are an adult. Being an adult is so much more than living on your own. We need to go back to when people took care of each other. It's fine if everyone in a family is happy living by themselves and making it work but they need to stop shaming other people who do it differently. It has been weird without my mom around and I miss her a lot but I know that she wants somewhere smaller that she can keep heated but I think she's going to realize how much more difficult being on her own is. She felt terrible she was costing us so much in bills too but I was ok with helping her because she always did so much for us.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (158485)
• Boise, Idaho
1 Mar
@sissy15 ........I so agree. My grandson is a prime example. He is 21 and has a mental illness. We've tried to get him on SSI but we lost the paperwork we had on him and the facility where he was going for counseling is no longer in business. He was denied getting SSI but he can't work. So what's a person supposed to do? My grandson helps my daughter and me in many ways around the house. I try not to tell many people because I feel they will think things that aren't necessarily true. There used to be a time in this country when there were several generations living in the household. Grandparents, parents and kids. All of them benefited. Kids learned things they wouldn't otherwise from the grandparents and the grandparents enjoyed having time with their grandkids and helped out by babysitting. It all worked out. Nowadays not so much of this am I seeing. Sort of sad in a way.
1 person likes this
@Dena91 (15825)
• United States
25 Feb
When I was 17, I graduated high school and moved out of my mother's house 2 weeks later. I had been working and saving so I could do so. She never wanted my brother or I so the quicker we left the better we were, mentally and emotionally. To this day she still has no contact with us, by her choice. Mike and I don't have kids, a lot has to do with my upbringing, but if we were to have a child I would want them to always know they have a place if they need one. But I would hope they would be self-sufficient to take care of themselves and their family if they had one. You son is lucky to have you for a Mom.
1 person likes this
@sissy15 (12269)
• United States
26 Feb
That's terrible, I'm sorry that was your experience. I think there's a difference between being self-sufficient and living with your parents to help you save money or to help each other. The economy is terrible now and it's not like it was when a lot of people first got out into the world. At one time one person could support an entire family on their salary and own their own home and it really isn't like that anymore. Now a lot of families are living together in order to help one another and save money. If my son lived with me I would definitely expect him to do his part and if I couldn't afford all of the bills I would expect some help but if I could afford it I wouldn't expect it as long as he was helping out. I definitely don't feel the need to kick him out. I am ok with him living with us for as long as he needs or wants. I hate that people often see living with your parents as a failure now when in some cultures that's just how it works. I don't think it's a failure if it is beneficial for everyone involved or even if not if they just love being with their family. I want my son to go far in life and I don't want him to think he's some kind of failure if he has to stay at home longer than others. Thank you, I strive to be a good parent but sometimes I fall short.
1 person likes this
• Cloverdale, Indiana
25 Feb
Some people just don't have the space or the funds or whatever else they need to keep their kids under foot some don't mind having their kids around, it is what it is.
1 person likes this
@sissy15 (12269)
• United States
26 Feb
Maybe, but just because your child lives with you doesn't mean they don't have to help. I lived with my mom and paid all of the bills and she paid the rent. It was a beneficial situation. We helped each other. Your child can live with you and help you. I feel like when it's your child and you love them you always find room. My own personal thoughts on the matter though. I feel like if you have children they are always your children and when and if they fall on rough times you should want to help them because you love them and not make them feel like a burden, most definitely expect them to help and tell them your expectations but don't make them feel rotten for having to be with you. I love my kid being around. It baffles me why people would want to shove their kid out the door if they love them. The way I see is it if later in their years the parents fall on hard times after basically saying "screw you" to their child when their child needed help the most the parents have no right to ask their kids for help then and I know of situations like that where the parents refused to help their adult children but then expected their kids to take care of them when they needed it.