Social Etiquette During the Victorian Age

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Always being watched by your peers and even shaking hands too vigorously could get you in trouble. Being proper was a full-time job. Especially for women. This meant no loud voices, loud laughter, or letting your true personality peek through. Making eye contact with the wrong person or gesturing too enthusiastically could label you as unladylike. For men, it was a bit easier but not much. Men had to be confident but not arrogant, chivalrous but not too familiar, respectful but not cold. You had to find the perfect balance. "The Habits For A Good Society" and "Manners For Men" were just two titles of the huge etiquette books available during that time. The real rules, however, were handed down like secret codes between the well bred people of society. Even visiting hours were well orchestrated. It was between 3p. and 5p. that the "morning call" was expected. But, it was still called 'morning'. Stay too long and you were deemed rude, stay too briefly and you were cold. You were to set before the hostess did, and don't compliment the room too much or you might be thought to be mocking the wall paper choices. It was a very delicate dance of subtle ques, vague expectations, and on going judgement. It was the actual act of doing something wrong, but being suspected of doing something wrong. It was a society obsessed with maintaining a spotless reputation. Scandal didn't need evidence, it only needed to be suspected. A whisper, a glance or an ambiguous letter that was folded a little too lovingly. A women seen alone with a man in a carriage was scandalous. A gentleman walking with a lady and not crossing a street to avoid a puddle for her was scandalous. You could be socially ruined just by being around another with poor manners. Guilt by association. Every moment had be calculated and lead people to live crippling self-conscious lives. Every statement was pretested. It was just who you were but the entire performance. If the mask slipped for a moment you were done for. This was a culture that guaranteed social anxiety. Being proper lead to innumerous mysterious nervous illnesses, especially for women. Terms like 'female hysteria', nerves, and melancholia were used.