my job

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For those who don't know what I do for a living, I'm a paraprofessional, and I work with children who need more help. I'm a one-on-one aide, or at least I'm supposed to be. I have a child I work with directly, but I also help with the other kids in the room. I'm in a group that has a ton of behavioral and learning problems. In a group of over 70 students, we have maybe 10 kids who would be considered average. The vast majority have some sort of behavioral or learning disability. It's an all hands on deck situation. In this very large group, there are only two paras. I have been with this group since they were in kindergarten. I've watched them grow and change. I've seen kids move in and move out. I tell you this so that I can put things into perspective as to what I'm working with. I have watched kids I genuinely care about go on a downward spiral. Children who may have been difficult but were sweet completely lose whatever sweetness and innocence they had left for various reasons. My kid that I work with has come so far, and he struggles. He is a sweet kid who other kids take advantage of and don't always treat him the best. They can be so mean, which is sad because I also know they have a sweet side, and I've seen it in most of them. There have been so many issues with bullying in this group. They are going into 5th grade, and it's their last year of elementary school. I'm not even sure if I'll be with them this year, because we usually get a choice if we want to follow, but I wasn't asked. I have only stuck around for as long as I have because I love the kid I work with, and I've learned to love all of the other kids, too, even though they can be incredibly difficult. This past year was the hardest year I've ever had with this group. We have a set of twins who are out of control, as well as another kid who basically runs the school because no one makes him do anything. He runs into and out of classrooms and doesn't care what any of us tell him. He doesn't listen. He doesn't care about consequences, if you can call them that. It doesn't help that he literally swore at and hit other kids, and they let him go on field trips. Anyway, I digress. The twins are the ones I really worry about. They have never been easy kids, but they were sweet. I knew they could swear and act up for other people, but it wasn't until this year that they acted that way towards me. One is worse than the other. The one I can see a soul still left in him; he wants to do the right thing, but he doesn't know how to. They have an older brother who is the same way. They both always loved to help and had the sweetest personalities when they were little, but I noticed things changed when their dad got out of prison. The one was doing really well until his dad went back to jail, and then I could just see him acting out. The better-behaved one was doing so much better, but then he came in and told me his dad is back in jail, and after that, I had a more difficult time talking to him. They were known for beating up one of our spectrum kids after school; they'd meet him on the corner, and the crossing guard reported them. They would then come back to school and be nice to him, and then would repeat the same thing; it was like they were messing with his head. They tried to do the same thing to my buddy, but I put a stop to it. I tried with the other kid, but the other kid has anger issues and didn't like me trying to tell them to leave him alone, because they were currently being nice to him. I guess my question is, when do you stop letting them use their home life as an excuse? It has never really been an excuse but a reason. There is so much trauma there because the adults in their lives are failing them left and right. They were being raised by their grandparents, and were even adopted by them, but when dad got out of prison, it all went downhill, and the grandparents ended up divorcing. I have tried to tell the teachers they didn't use to be this way, but all they have seen are twin terrors. I recently read an article in a paper where their dad must have been released and beat up a woman at his mom's address. I'm unsure if it was the boy's grandma or their dad's girlfriend whom the grandma still spent time with. I wonder if the boys saw it. I keep thinking it's no wonder they are so messed up. The people who should be protecting them are continuing to fail them. I get so frustrated with them because they are rude and mean, and they have become bullies, and I don't use that word lightly. I know there is good in them, I've seen it, but I'm at a point where I just can't deal with it anymore. I wasn't talking to one of the twins for a while, because he wanted the attention, and I was tired of giving it to him. One day, when he was behaving himself, I flat out told him that I only talked to him when he was doing what he was supposed to be doing. It wasn't that I didn't care about him, but I am just done dealing with it. I wish I could talk to them the way I'd like to, but I can't. I would love to be real with them; I've been as real as I'm allowed to without losing my job. Someone needs to be blunt with them. The one flat out told me, "Are you trying to say I'll end up in prison like my dad?" He said it with a smirk. I asked him if that's what he wanted, and he told me he didn't care. The issue is they do care, but it's easier to act tough than to be vulnerable. I told the other kids that if they don't want to deal with them, they all need to collectively ignore them, because the issue was that they want that attention, they don't care that it's negative. The problem is that none of these kids know how to do that. They are the most immature group of 4th graders I've ever met, and that's saying something. I feel like I'm dealing with much younger kids. They tattle, and they cry about every little thing; it's insane. I am in a general education room, and I have been hit, kicked, pinched, stabbed with a pencil (multiple times), cussed at, called every name in the book, and have even been spit at (thankfully, they missed). I have had so many people at my work tell me I'm not paid enough to work with this group, which is true. My job does not come with appreciation or respect from most people, and the pay isn't great for the amount of stuff I'm expected to do, but I still love my job. I love the kids even though they can be monsters, but I see things others don't. I've seen all of the terrible stuff, but I've also seen kids who can be sweet, I've seen kids who can be caring, I've seen kids who have a genuinely tough home life come to school and work hard, but unfortunately, the reality is most of them are a hot mess, and they are all going to have a rude awakening later. I really hope they don't make me follow them to the middle school. I am exhausted, and I just want to see them through their last year of elementary school. I am really nervous they'll make me follow them, though. Everyone says this needs to be my last year; they actually told me last year should have been my last year with them. I guess we'll see what the future brings. I have another month of relaxation before I know what awaits me in the new school year. I hope some of them have grown up over the summer, but I already know they haven't. There are a few I hope have moved; I wish them the best, but I am just exhausted over having to deal with them.