Help me to help her

United States
December 5, 2006 8:09am CST
Please help me. My best friend is with a new guy. She is blinded by the NEWNESS of the relationship and doesn't see it for what it really is. He doesn't allow her to talk to her friends anymore, he forced her to cut ties with her children's father, the kids are not even allowed to speak to their father anymore. He accuses her of sleeping around,anytime she leaves the house, and is no longer even allowed to go to bible study once a week at her children's school! A few times, I saw bruised hand prints on her back, and on her arm, but she told me she doesnt remember where they came from. How do I help her???
21 people like this
212 responses
@Darkwing (21588)
5 Dec 06
This is a difficult situation. If, as you say, your friend is blinded by the newness of this relationship, she is going to resent anything you say or do against him, but, on the other hand, had you thought that maybe she's afraid of him? Everything points to that, as she's conforming to everything he demands. How old are the children? Are they old enough to understand and talk about the situation outside the home? Does their father have access to them? Does he abuse them, by hitting them, as you suspect he hits their mother? Then, a few more questions arise from your friend's ability to talk to you, what kind of accommodation she's in.. is it rented or does she have a mortage? Will she confide in you, as to whether she's afraid or not... you know, she might just have conveniently forgotten how she came by bruises on her back and arm because she's afraid... maybe she loves him, but i would think the former is more likely. As for Bible Study... no person should be able to change another's beliefs as far as religion is concerned. Maybe, here, she could have a word with her priest, or something? Sometimes it's easier to talk to people outside your circle of friends and family? Find some of these things out and work from there. Make a general nuisance of yourself... go around there when the guy is there, see what his reaction is. If he asks you to leave, then ask your friend what she wants you to do. Respect her, not him... he's the interloper. If your friend doesn't want you to stay, go home, and call her to check everything's ok... be her strength and be there for her 24/7 and let her know you're not afraid of her guy... it seems to me that he's insanely jealous, and dangerous. I don't know what else to suggest really without knowing more. I do wish I could help. Good luck... I'll look for any more details in this discussion from day to day. Be strong for your friend. :-)
@mansha (6301)
• India
5 Dec 06
I think he is right do so.Be there when she needs you and when both of them are present.From your story it looks like honeymoon is over and now your friend is just conforming to the guy.Call in police if you feel situation is life threatening for her or her kids. Physically abused people generally do not know how to react and they are scared to take bold step as they loose any sense of self esteem.They start believing its something that they did must have irked the person.So you must stick around and try and help her.keep pushing her for answers till she starts asking questions herself.make her feel she is throwing her life away.Be honest with her.If she says she doesn't remember ask her straight away if her new BF has beaten her but do not sound accusing.You can tell her she can confide in you if she wants to.May be she will trust you,if you do not sound critical or judgemental.
2 people like this
@ESKARENA1 (18299)
5 Dec 06
if you are a true friend, you will leave them alone and allow her to make her own mistakes, just make sure you are there for her when and if it all goes wrong
3 people like this
• United States
5 Dec 06
Yeah, so if Im a true friend I just back up and let him kill her eventually? That makes no sense!
4 people like this
• India
5 Dec 06
It really is her decision, not yours. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe she's happier like this than she was otherwise. Maybe you're the one who needs help and are hyping things up. If your friend really IS afraid to break up with him, you could simply talk to her about it and tell her that you could protect her if the guy did anything crazy. Maybe she's not being forced into any of this. Maybe she's in love with him and is happily spending all her time with him. He could have convinced her that the father was a bad influence. And the bruises you saw could be love bites. If there really IS a problem, let her decide what it is. Free will is the best gift we have, yet it also means we bear the consequences of our own choices.
3 people like this
@shooie (4985)
• United States
5 Dec 06
You might want to talk to her if you can. Let her know how you see it and try to get her to see what is going on. Sounds like physical and mental abuse. Talk to her about it. That is all you really can do about it. A woman has to want out before anything can be done. You could ask her what will you do if the abuse doesn't stop with her and he starts on the children...what will she do then. Most abusive Men and women don't just end with their partner/spouse sooner or later it will move to the kids....she better wake up before is to late...but like i said all you can do is talk to her....she'll have to make the choice to get out
2 people like this
@abccba (1916)
• Denmark
5 Dec 06
Well, it's sad that she can't see it herself! Cause he's not treating her well! If you have tryed to talk to her about it, i don't really think you can do much more! Just hope that she will see how bad she gets treated, and then leave him!
3 people like this
• United States
26 May 07
Im still hoping and praying every day!
@edras_2 (299)
• United States
5 Dec 06
Yes, these are all the classic signs of abuse.Hasn't your friend ever read anything about these kind of poeple before?First they isolate from your friends and family so that you have no one to turn to,then they control every move you and even try to control every thought you think and if they catch you doing or saying something on your own, you're going to to smacked up side your head!Your friend is headed for serious problems for herself and her children.Unfortunately she probably won't try to get help untill he starts to abuse her kids as well.Sadly, thats what normally happens.But no matter what happens please don't stop being her friend, she needs you,even if she won't admit right now.Does her childrens father know about this?I think he should because his kids will be affected too,living in an abusive environment will leave emotional scars on them and he should do something to protect them if your friend won't do anything to protect herself.Good Luck
3 people like this
@tanujarneja (2833)
• India
5 Dec 06
well is you are real gud frnds, and nothing helps i guess you should inform her parents about it .,,,, cos if you reallly wnat her out of this there is no other way
3 people like this
@gabs8513 (48712)
• United Kingdom
5 Dec 06
The only thing you can do is advise her and then it is up to her to listen or not This sort of Situation is hard I know but you can't do more then that And of course be there for her when she needs you Do not make the mistake of going at her all the time as the chances are she will turn away from you I do hope she realises soon As for the Kids Father he should be able to do something legally about the Kids not being aloud to speak to him so he has to sort that out and it might make your Friend realise to what this guy is doing Good luck and let us know how it works out
3 people like this
• United States
5 Dec 06
You have to be bluntly honest with her about the situation. Tell her you care and why you are worried then push her to make the right decision and get out now while she still can. Tell her that she is better than that and doesn't deserve that at all. Do everything you can to get her out of that situation as soon as possible before it gets out of control and is too late.
@meme0907 (3481)
• United States
5 Dec 06
I believe it's a concensus-you can't help your friend decide to leave this guy.What you can do is not give up on her,listen when she wants to talk,trust her to make a good choice & stick by her even if it's not what you wanted. She'll eventually wake up or the guy will straighten up when she does leave him (a person knows when they can't take anymore).Keep us posted & Good Luck :)
1 person likes this
• Lithuania
5 Dec 06
The only thing you can do is advise her and then it is up to her to listen or not..
• India
5 Dec 06
Man, She is also like one of the most girls who face this type of problems, the best she can do is she can have a nice talk with that person, and ask him frankly if he wants to leave her not???i think the man is frustrated and all the frustration is released on that girl...the only thing which can save her is either divorce or only TALK.Try it and surely reply me back
@Lillith (775)
• United States
5 Dec 06
Sadly, this is not something that you CAN help her with. If she is not willing to admit what is going on, then she is not ready to leave this relationship. All you can really do is try to be available to her if she wants to talk or needs medical attention. Her history will play a big part in this. If she is used to being controlled and abused, then this is what she is familiar with and feels its "normal." If she is just desperate to have a man in her life, she may put up with anything in order to have that. It is a very sad situation, not to mention a dangerous one, but if you try to be agressive with her on this, she will stop talking to you and you will not even have a clue as to how bad it gets there. If there are small children involved though, you would have the option of reporting any suspected abuse to the authorities. Although you would need to be sure of your information. I hope this works out well
• United States
26 May 07
Thank you so much for your response. It was very helpful.
@playgirl (1359)
• Philippines
6 Dec 06
blood diamond -  

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oh my God!!! advice your friends to fight and dont be afraid and blind... my Gosh!!! she is not younger anymore she have a children to take care.. dont be focus in what she have now... she can get a better new one the she had now...
2 people like this
• United States
5 Dec 06
If you leave your friend alone and have nothing to do with her you are helping the new man in her life get what he wants, her with no one to turn to. Be as much of a friend to her as she will let you and if you see bruises on her keep a date book and record what you see, if she wakes up and decides to do something about it later you could take your book to the police and to court if you have to. If you are too pushy with her she might back away completely and you don't want that. Don't let anyone know that you are keeping a record of what you see going on between her and this man. Wait until she is ready to come to you for that help and then you can share this with her. Everything else will require you using your best judgment.
2 people like this
• United States
5 Dec 06
It's a difficult problem because if you try to push her to see what is going on, she may push you away completely. But this could be a bad situation not only for her, but for her children as well. Do you know the children's father? Could you talk to him? Maybe you could call social services and tell them you are worried about the kids? Maybe the best thing you could do would be just to be there for her, to let her know you are a loyal friend no matter what.
• India
5 Dec 06
if it happens in case of me then I'd rather would not say anything about the matter but definitely involve in. To solve this First I'll gain all the details of person who is suffering why he is suffering by others and then turn towards the other who is responsible try to analyse and realise the present aspects and future aspect could most occur rather than gusses. Further i'd be prepared to face the problem will be occurig to the friend/suffer so that some facts could be avoided in a mutually undesirable manner. And also gaining confidence in minds of both friends.
6 Dec 06
It's a hard thing, if you try and say anything she will just say you are trying to interfere. The only thing I can think of is to ask her advice on 'someone' who you think this is happening to. Tell her that you don't know how to approach the subject without her thinking you are trying to interfere and with a bit of luck your friend will realise who you are talking about. Try and put it in a way that first lets her see all the things that he is doing to her. Don't let her realise that it's her right away. Ask her what she would do in your situation if someone she knew was being controlled she didn't know what to say.
@riia0033 (345)
• India
6 Dec 06
i m agree with u . u r rt
• United States
5 Dec 06
domestic violence - wifebeater certificate
well maybe ya'll should go visit a woman's shelter because many of the women there are escaping husbands,boyfriends etc. that are abusive. Maybe the stories they tell her will let her see her relationship for what it is a mistake.You better try something fast before she ends up in a pine box.!! But usually someone like that has to admit what's going going on to herself.. Has he abused her in front of you? How old is she? Doesn't your friend realize that letting him abuse her shows him he could probably abuse her kids. I mean she won't defend them if he's beating her and the father is not allowed contact so they don't have anyone close to tell but each other. Well i think she better get rid of him and tell her it's for her kids...Before he starts abusing them ( phisically and SEXUALLY). Maybe she'll listen then..
@gknott (936)
• United States
5 Dec 06
I agree with this!
@magikrose (5423)
• United States
5 Dec 06
As hard as it is to accept your friend needs to be the one to wake up and see that this man is abusing her. No matter how much you tell her he is bad she is not ready to face reality. I know how you feel I had a friend who was being abused by her boyfriend too and no matter what I said she didnt believe me. When he tried to hit one of her kids that is when she finally woke up and left him. I realise it is hard to accept but honestly you have to let her realise the reality. But you can keep a diary of all bruses you see and where they are, that way you have something to show the police of the events that have happened over time, and so that she can see what has been going on over time too.
1 person likes this
@msqtech (15226)
• United States
5 Dec 06
not abused unless they admit it right? sometimes people cant see the forest for the redwoods in their path
@epizzahut (2079)
• China
6 Dec 06
Does she need you to help her? Don’t talk anything with her before you make sure she really need you help. You can get information form her kids her neighbors, write down what you see and hear. let her know you are her real friend and she can rely on. when the situation goes bad, you can help her at once.simply like so called a friend in need is a friend in deed.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Dec 06
This is a really difficult case and you are facing something which is really devastating, not only to your friend but also to the relationship that you have with her. I guess that best part here is for you to be constantly around her, giving her the most rational and modest advise that you can. Try to get in touch with her family too. Should she not listen to you, i guess she will listen to some members of her immediate family. If you think your friend is in danger, I guess you can report this to the authorities. It's better to be pathetic than be sorry.
• Romania
6 Dec 06
Difficult... I am really sorry for the situation she is in.. But if she doesn't want to get out of that, if you will tell her he is a bad guy but she doesn't see it - it will turn her against you.. So the best thing to do I think is to sit and wait for her to wake up - or give hher just some signals - make her thuink and judge the situation herself - so she will see it!! Otherwise , you know how it is , sometimes we are blind by love - and if someones tells us " doon't you see ??" we are just more convinced they are wrong...
1 person likes this
@marciascott (25553)
• United States
6 Dec 06
You just half to stay out of it shes going to do what she wants. I have a friend that's like that I hate her boyfriend. she will put him before me. and we been friends for many years, she acts so funny when she's around him. well sounds like she needs to leave him alone. Try talking to her in confidence if she doesn't listen. there nothing you really can do. she has to make her own disions.
1 person likes this
• India
6 Dec 06
well she is in bad relationship but she has to know that this not da right thing 4 her then u can help her but do tell her want is going in her life & then ask her does she thing it is right 4 her or not , or try the other way tell tht u have a problem who is going from same what can he do to help her c what she says then tell her tht it she who is in problem , I hope u understand what i mean
1 person likes this