She’s Getting Divorced and It’s Completely Unexpectedplease help her

@pusibaba (1010)
India
December 5, 2006 1:36pm CST
After 20 years together, I am in the early process of a surprise divorce. I have 3 young children and want to try and work out any problems. My husband is unwilling and can’t get out of this marriage fast enough. He claims we have always been incompatible and he has been very unhappy a long time. He has been very hostile lately. He is not having an affair, he just wants to be alone without responsibility. Because of financial reasons, we are trying to handle our own divorce. We are trying to be friendly for the kids sake, but I can hardly handle his hostility and the hatred he has going right now. He refuses to discuss any divorce issues and I am afraid he is going to continue to get more and more selfish and leave us with nothing. I can’t seem to get over him even though he is treating me like crap. He has agreed to talk to me about this relationship in about 6 months. Meanwhile he has promised to take care of us… but how can I trust him when he seems to be out for his own interests only? I also can’t get over him, I seem to want to protect him, he and I were each other’s first loves. I even want him back and that will never happen.
12 responses
• United States
6 Dec 06
damm dont be dumb he is a jerk let him go.. ikno its hard but hes dumb
@sarah22 (3981)
• United States
6 Dec 06
Ask you parents to help you finacioly to pay for a laywer so that is if things dont work out and he leave, he will not leave you and the kids without. how do you know that there is no onther women in hislife to after all this time want out? why has he been unhappy?
@ajhenloc (35)
• United States
6 Dec 06
I can say from my personal experience that the hurt feelings, need to protect him,etc. would be the same if you were together 1 or 50 years when it was out of the blue that this came up. It does not matter if there is someone else or not. There usually is or he would still be home. Men tend to have a strong need to go directly to someone else, even if it is his mother. They seldom stay alone. There are many reasons you need support and guidance right now. If not a lawyer some other form of support (not a friend) because you are in mourning and your grief will take strange forms. You don't want to be out on a limb possibly end up with nothing and lose your children? Hi current behavior is not good for the children. They see what is going on and you have no resource within yourself to be strong at this moment. Please, I really say from the bottom of my heart, get a compassionate experienced lawyer and in the long run you will be glad.
• Portugal
6 Dec 06
I divorce it is sad, ams for times has exactly that to be =(... the life is thus! still more when she is involved children to take account of the safekeeping. She tries to appeal to all the legal terms
• United States
6 Dec 06
well apparently he does not want to work things out.no i would not want to be left without anything either.im sure you can come to a agreement.if he wants a divorce then fine but why does he have to have hatred and be hostile.you deserve to have respect you were together 20 years.it sounds like he is depressed maybe he has other issues besides the divorce and that is what led to it talk to him.
@platypus (336)
• Italy
6 Dec 06
the situation seems not so easy to handle. whenever someone refuse to be rational trhere almost nothing we can do. i do not want o judge you ao your husband since i am not in an appropriate condition to do so ( even though there some things thet are not completely clear to me ). I think you should think about how all this hatred is born. there must be a reason somewhere, if you find it you will be able to decide more clearly which steps follow. but if your husband does not want to think, remember your childre, and don't let them suffer useslessly. if their dad doesn't take care of them, let him go, but be sure he pays everything they need. eventually ask for legal help to a lawyer or similar. it may cost quite a lot, but it may be necessary
@lissaj (532)
• United States
6 Dec 06
Due to the financial reasons, I might suggest a trial separation instead of a divorce. Your husbands behavior seems strange for nothing going on, he just wants out. Something had to have happened. Maybe some time away will help and your marriage can be saved. It's hard, especially with kids involved. If it does come to divorce, I would really suggest getting some legal help, there are free legal aid offices. With kids involved, you will need it.
@Netsbridge (3242)
• United States
6 Dec 06
From the very little you just told us, I am of the opinion that this marriage has always been very one-sided. Did he, by any chance, marry you because you were pregnant? I ask because I know of several similar situations. Anyway, I think you need an attorney really fast. The man abuses you and has no respect for you, and I do not understand why you are that desperate. The childrern will be okay. Oh, I am praying for them.
• United States
6 Dec 06
There are places where you can get legal support for free or at low cost. You need to talk to someone and not handle the divorce on your own. The only reason he wants to do it that way is to get out on top of things. If he wants to leave there is no reason to be his "friend". Be friendly in front of the children, but make sure you get what you need to support them and yourself.
• United States
6 Dec 06
Go see a marriage counselor by yourself. It is apparent that this marriage is ending. You cannot force him to stay married. The best you can do is get out of this as gracefully as possible. Don't screw yourself over in the divorce, but don't sink to his level. Trust me, this is really hard not to do in divorce. But, look at as a way of getting past this hurdle. The counselor can help you deal with your feelings and give you coping mechanisms for dealing with your husband's hostility. Good luck.
• Sri Lanka
5 Dec 06
for have it right go to someone who can help u both with this in the things as u need to do..splitt the home who gonna have this and that and who is paying for that and so on. I say it because I have had this time for 1 year ago and my ex was blowing me on a lot..to stay friends is the best way and make it with outside people ..it´s most calm down I guess and both of u will know what is ok and not This and have him back yes sure somehow u feel like this but do sit down take a cup of coffee and ask yourself why do I want to hold someone back instead for give him air under the wings and let the time se if he grows with u and the kids or if he wants to be free. and what about u..do u want it because u are afride for what the future have to give u without him standing next till u..I´m sure u will make it good with him as a friend or whatever as long as u not take the air out of etch other
@suedarr (2382)
• Canada
5 Dec 06
I would suggest getting legal advice if possible. Maybe try a legal clinic. The break-up of a marriage is never easy, but outside help is very important to insure her rights and those of the children are going to be taken care of.