How can I help my mom to move on?

United States
December 9, 2006 5:13pm CST
My mom and dad have been married for 43 years. She has never been happy aside from the first couple of years. In that time, she raised three children without him raising one finger to help. He was either out of town on some pleasure trip or at work. We all have moved on and have kids. The problem is my dad will not have anything to do with our children but my mom loves them so much. This is hard on her since we was good about laying down the law! Anyway, she wants to leave him but feels she does not have the money to survive on her own. What can I do as her daughter to help her see that this should not hold her back?
37 responses
@MrsAdvice (623)
• United States
10 Dec 06
It is not your responsibility to help your mom move on. That is her decision and she has to be the one to decide it for herself or she may later resent you if she regrets her decision. Just stay out of it.
@lucy02 (5017)
• United States
10 Dec 06
I agree.
• India
10 Dec 06
i agree
@cathylmg (283)
• Singapore
11 Dec 06
I agree. My biggest regret was that my parents weren't able to attend my wedding dinner. I planned everything and made sure that they would be proud to have married off their daughter in a grand wedding. The preparation process lasted about a year and I thought it was perfect until karma takes charge. Turns out my mum went into coma for 1 month and pass away 60 days before my wedding. My dad passed away 7 days before. It had been the greatest regret of my life. cathylmg http://govege.blogspot.com http://govegereceipes.blogspot.com
@vimal9 (214)
• India
10 Dec 06
i think you should find her a job or you should help her financially. as you are grown up. u are saying that she had gone through many hard times in bringing you up. so now its your time to help her out.
• France
10 Dec 06
I agree on two fronts: Leave that decision up to your mom as tow whether to love your dad. Becasue there are always other options for carving a happier ending / life other than completely and conclusively leaving her relationship, and as MrsAdvice said: "your mom may resent you in case of regrets". Secondly, as there may not be much aide out there for helping out a woman of your mom's situation and status, perhaps YOU can help out financially / socio-econimically. Do your research...invest time in her happiness...if you may!
@ankagar (1036)
• India
11 Dec 06
yes you can help them
• United States
10 Dec 06
well explain to her there are places she can go till she gets on her feet.she knows her husband is no good for her.he didnt even help raise you and he dont bother with the grandkids.it is long overdue for her to move on be her own person she will realise she will be better off and alot happier she also can get alimony from her husband she is entitled to it.that is 1/2 of everything he has.
@Sunset50 (1397)
• United States
10 Dec 06
She will leave him when she is ready. When she is ready she might ask for your help. All you can do is to love her and let her figure out what she wants on her own. It's hard on you, I know, but she has to make the choices for her life.
@SanDslnrs (269)
• United States
10 Dec 06
Wow that is tough. I don't understand, you dad doesn't want anything to do with your children, does he stop your mom from visiting? I think if he does, she should just visit when she feels like it and if he chooses to leave, then let it be on him. She should not have to leave her home, but she should not be restricted to doing only what he wants. I think your mother should do what she wants as far as visiting her grandchildren and her own children, and if he doesn't want to be in their lives, that is his loss. If it came to her having to leave can you or your brothers and sisters help her with a place to live and does she work? I really feel bad for her and you also. I will pray for you and your family. Maybe they could get some sort of counseling through the church.
@sexymuma (1261)
10 Dec 06
after being held back for so long she needs to know how much help and support her family will give her as your dad will never change,and sometimes you have to take hold of your life line with both hands and let it pull you up,look on the inter net to see what help your mum can get from your local community and let your mum know,what help is out there for her.xx
• United States
10 Dec 06
My family is going through the same type of thing, but my parents after 37 years are getting a divorce, and it is NOT pretty. They started it the beginning of this year, and still haven't finished it. I think that your mom needs to be happy. If there is a way to help her out, then you should and help her start her life over. She may get depressed, but as long as you give her support, then she will be fine.
@taruha (559)
• United States
10 Dec 06
perhaps you may be able to help your mom to be on her own by getting her some suitable way ofearning?direct money help may have some bad effect.
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
10 Dec 06
Does your money draw any money at all? I know a little how you feel my mom is always saying she is going to leave my stepdad but not having the money is what is stopping her. Yeah she has kids who have kids themselves but most of the them are barely making ends meet themselves. It is a sticky situation also. Your mom probably still loves your dad deep down she is just fed up with him and his ways same as my mom with my stepdad.She should put her foot down and tells him there's a new set of rules in the house and tell him how she wants it to be and if he has a problem with the new rules that he can leave or she will or she can go on strike and not do anything for him or clean up after him, If there where anyway possible I would help her but let her make the discisions in leaving. Just show her the options like who and where she could live for a while she has gotten on her feet and in town where we live there are places that help low income family and maybe she could find a place of her own becuase she will want to be independent especially after having to be in a relationship that wouldn't let her be her self So help your mom spread her wings and fly she will love the freedom it may seem scary and lonely at first but she is a strong woman. She loves her kids and grankids alot ans if she were married for 43 years that possibly puts her in the late 50's or 60's age group. If your mom sees that you and your family will help her then she will be able to leave him. She should be enjoying being a grandma and not have to worry about her husband getting mad at her for it. So see what you can do and ask around nobody finds out things without asking for information.. Good luck and best wishes.
@birthlady (5613)
• United States
10 Dec 06
Take your mother in, to live with you, until she feels secure to move out on her own, if ever. She's never lived alone, and its alot to go through a divorce, living alone, money problems. Would she, could she, live with you? Or maybe you can help subsidize her living expences. Help her out, she's your mom.
@tsamcq (457)
• United States
10 Dec 06
The fear of not having enough money kept me from leaving my emotionally abusive husband. I finally decided I had enough. I have found a way to have enough money and feel like I am better off financially because he is not making unwise purchases. If your mom leaves, I am sure things will come together for her. She will find a way to make it.
• United States
10 Dec 06
Try and help her to understand that the feeling of worry and uncertainity she is most likely feeling will be replaced with relief and pride if she does what she needs to do to better herself and her children's well being. The money issue will probably diminish as well..she will be feeling more like herself and have the motivation to make her way through this and the years to come. If she doesn't take care of herself she won't be able to take care of anything.
• Romania
10 Dec 06
buying her a house :)
• Romania
10 Dec 06
Well, I guess it's one of those moments when the parent at a considering age, needs his child's attention. You should support her as much as you can, remember her why you care so much about her, try to improove her reality by showing her what really counts at this time. If she has to move on, tell her it's for her own good. Life goes on. Her kids got bigger, they have their own lifes now, their own decisions, they're ok now. So, she has nothing to worry about, she must look into the future and start being for a moment in her life, selfish, not letting your dad, once the person to whom she shared to him her own belifes, hopes , dreams, to interrupt the natural way of having peace, or even happiness again. Tell her, to do what's right for all of you.
@hazeter (671)
• Philippines
10 Dec 06
I think the best way for u to help ur mom is that be there for her no matter what happend. If she is thinking that she cant survive if she leaves then help her financially. If u can help her. But if not then think of other way and the best way to solve that problem.
@Ohara_1983 (4119)
• Kuwait
10 Dec 06
hello char:) you and i has the same situation. my mom also are not happy to my dad also us her children. my dad too strict to us we can't do what we wan't to do when we was a kid although playing to the other kids are not allowed. Untill the times come they are separate, and of course we choose our mom. but we proud of her because she do all her best to be a mother and father. we finish our elementary until highshool w/out my father the obligation that we can't saw to my dad we saw it to my mom. she always think that "my kids need me so i need to be strong and to fight what problems come. just give a support to your mom and always tell her that you are always there to support as a daughter:)
@rakinitin (686)
• Canada
10 Dec 06
Not enough money is an excuse. Your mother has begun to communicate to you about her marriage and what she would like to do but there are stages. There is not much you can do for her other than support her. She has to do it herself. You could help with suggestions and offer anything she may need assistance with when the move takes place. She sounds unhappy and so does the father for that matter. You'll know the right thing to say or do by following your mother's lead. You'll see. Wishing you all happiness.
@tammytwo (4302)
• United States
10 Dec 06
Help to find the resources to leave.
@coolcatzz (1587)
• Canada
10 Dec 06
That is really sad. So many people stay together for the wrong reasons. You know it would be nice to see your Mom on her own or even living with one of her children and being at peace for the first time in her life. When I was growing up my father was a drinker. My mom had a hard time with him. You never knew if he was going to get mad at your for something. We always walked on egg shells. Well sadly at 65 my mom got cancer. He stopped drinking and was so amazing with her. He looked after her and was so gentle and kind. We all saw a totally different side of him. Well for one year he did everything for her. She sadly passed away but in our own minds we were able to forgive him although having said that I still would have been happier to see her out on her own living in peace. Financially speaking I think that is why many stay together because they think they can't make it on their own. Could she not live with one of you kids. Even if it was a few months with each one. She would love seeing her grandchildren and would probably be a great help. Let her enjoy the years she has left.