Really need advice. I am lost.

@whatif (35)
New Zealand
December 12, 2006 5:46pm CST
I love a girl of different religion, and we both know we will not be able to start our own life due to family problems on both side. Despite this, we still ended up in a relationship!!! Not sure if you would call this a no-commitment relationship. This carried on for 6 months now. I do not have any problems with being a girl with other religion, and so doesnt she. And now suddenly this marriage proposal came up from her family. To which we had a talk, and she said this (our relationship) has no future so this should end. Fine. But then she started to talk about the proposal. I could see she was blushed and she didnt want to say no the proposal. She was quite happy, I would say. She was even planning to meet the guy. She just cried once with "two tears", but it just seems so fake to me. Looking at all this, I am lost now. Did she ever love me??? The way she used to cry and tell me that she did. Should I act normal and be her friend??? I dont know what to do. I have stopped feeling. I cant feel anything!!! I mean if she loved me, then she would have said no to the proposal and asked for some time from her parents. But she didnt even try!!! Please advice me. I am totally broken. I just dont understand whats going on. I can assume that its easy for girls to carry on just like that???
63 responses
@Darkwing (21588)
13 Dec 06
I feel for you... I really I do. Love should be a natural thing and when you find the "one" you really care for, then you should be able to decide between you what your future is. I know you went into the relationship knowing what would become of it, but I sense an element of hope in your setting out on this relationship. I don't know what religion you both are, but if this is a family thing, I don't think there is much you can do about it. In most of the families I know who have those beliefs, there is much respect between parents and children, especially females. They are brought up knowing that one day they will have a marriage arranged for them and that they have no alternative but to follow it through to avoid the risk of complete alienation from their family. When you said she was a little flushed when talking about the proposal, it could be that she was embarrased at having to talk to you about it, and trying to stay cheerful so that you wouldn't get downhearted... or maybe the guy is rich and a good prospect with a very attractive dowry... I don't know, but take it from me, she must care for you, or she wouldn't have told you at all. The two tears? Well, maybe she was all cried out... who knows what went on within the family before she told you? And yes, of course she meant it when she said she loved you, with tears in her eyes. Imagine her feelings, knowing that one day she would have to walk away from you, when deep down it was you she loved... wouldn't that have brought tears to your eyes? Also, how do you know she didn't even try... were you there? She may have been under all sorts of pressures from her family, and wanting to do the right thing by them. Have you considered that? Your assumption that girls "just carry on like that", is totally wrong. Religions and cultures differ so greatly that these things happen when they get mixed. Not that I'm against it, for I think if you truly love somebody then that is all... you need to be together. However, I will not knock anybody's religion. Yes, I think you should stay friends with her, but in the meantime, try to occupy yourself with something to take your mind off what's happened between you. This happened to me once... an arranged marriage parted me from somebody I loved dearly. I know how much it hurts, but you can't change things now. They will go ahead, as the family wishes. You now have to get your life back and put this down to experience. Yes, it will take time, but somebody else will come along at some point and you will heal. I wish I could give you a big hug right now... I have tears in my eyes writing this. I just know what you're going through... the ecstasy you experienced when you were with her, and now the agony of having her torn from you. Let go a little but don't hate her for what she has to do. Stay her friend, but branch out a little... find more friends, male and female and one day, you will find things were never as bad as they seem right now. I hope this helps you. Bless you... take care.
• Philippines
13 Dec 06
very well said...
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
13 Dec 06
u had me...u really touched it...thanks...cant believe u brought tears in my eyes just by words...thank you...i just dont know what to say...I am really touched...i am really without any words...thanks...thanks so much... well there are other things...i can tell from her face...she was blushed...and i know...she was happy...just by lookin at that...i didnt say anything...jus said its all ok...and walked out of there...i dont know...i have never been into this before...
@Darkwing (21588)
14 Dec 06
Awwwwwww (((((((hugggggs)))))). I'm sorry I brought tears to your eyes, but I guess you're just a bit down at the moment. If you feel it will help, then, by all means, ask her if she would talk with you, but I fear it's a little too late for talking now, and you really do have to let go of her as a girlfriend. Life's not so bad you know. It's a big disappointment but if you think she's going to be happy in this arranged marriage, then try to be happy for her. She could have had to leave you for somebody much worse and whom she didn't like at all. So, try to be happy for her, and give thanks for ever having had time to spend with her and love her. You'll have lots of pleasant memories. You ever wanna talk, I'll send you my e-mail address in private messages... feel free. I'm a good listener if nothing else, ok? Meanwhile, take care. :-)
• Pakistan
13 Dec 06
Look friend what i know is that there are so many religions in this world,some allow marriage with other religion followers,while some not....the reason which i responded is that to convey you ma message "DONT EVEN THINK OF NEGLECTING UR RELIGIOUS ORDERS" if only understand that, coz thatz the worst a man can do! Am sorry if i have gone harsh, but thats what i personally feel
• United States
13 Dec 06
The only advice I can give you is that if you really,truly love her then let her know. Don't let religion come between the two of you. You can compermise. It sounds like she loves you too. Otherwise all you can do is move on with your life. In time you will get over her. Good luck!
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
well I am not giving up my religion...thats fine...neither do I ask her to....but two religions can live under one roof...
@vmoore709 (1102)
• United States
13 Dec 06
If she really loved you she would follow that and do what it took to be with you. If she is excited about this other proposal, you may want to just walk away. It may be hard, but you'll get through it.
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
that is exactly what is happening...and I want to walk away now...I guess these responses are makin gme stronger...I think you are just right...I should walk away...
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
and she was very excited about this marriage proposal...
@nooreldin (471)
• Kuwait
13 Dec 06
NO - no smoking
you are not the first one to face failure in love! you are still young and I'm sure you're gonna be able to get over this experience..I think its better not to see her again, you must put an end immedately to this relationship,afterall you said it had no future,so its better now than later on!! just be strong enough not to contact her again.. and I'm sure you'll find a girl who's more suitable for you..your girl was not deceivig you, she is just too young to know what she really wants..and soon you both will forget and start all over again.. but help yourself by not contacting each other again.. it will be hard in the beginning, but you will forget! believe me!!
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
you know what...u r amazing...she is really a newby in love...i told her many times...you cannot handle a relationship...she was never good at it...
• Kuwait
15 Dec 06
thanx a lot! by the way, sorry about the picture, its totally out of place, I've put it with another discussion about smoking, I really don't know how it got in here!!:) but anywayz, I wish you all the best!!
• India
13 Dec 06
I think the girl is quite practical. she knew from the very beginning that the relationship wudny end up in marriage. but for the time being she needed a support that every girl needs. and thts why ur love happened in the first place. now you shud be practical and face the situation because you yourself know the fact but are not able to agree on it. she was just your good friend and nothing else.
• India
13 Dec 06
i completely agree with u yar
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
do u make out with your good friends???
@icequeen (2841)
• Canada
13 Dec 06
I think she is just scared and confused...If you love her..then you need to tell her that...and tell her not to marry this other guy....and how you feel. I am sure she feels the same way..but maybe she is feeling pressured from her family...She needs to talk to them..maybe you could go with her..and tell them that she cares for you....and see what happens....
@epizzahut (2079)
• China
13 Dec 06
yes i totally agree with you, just to do that,don't hesitate.you couldn't know anything after you try,so go ahead,be a man.
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
13 Dec 06
well...we had the "talk" before...the last thing that we came up with was that...she would tell her mom after we are both on our feet...but then she didnt even try that...this proposal came in and shes up for it!!!...i so wish i can tell her not say yes...but she was HAPPY...she was...i can tell from her face expression...how can I take that away...thers a sayin rite...if u love somone...u love her happiness...and she doesnot have to gutts to talk to her family right now...she is not on her own legs yet!!! she is just studyin...and so am I...
• India
14 Dec 06
She really doesn't love you. That is the fact. Accept it and think in this way,"If she really doesn't want me why should I stick to her?" There are so many girl in this world. And definitely you will get another girl to love. Then why should you spend your time for a girl who doesn't love you? Think that it was all in a dream and that dream is over. Now you are in real world. You should come to the real world and live. Marriage is a contract. Any contract will function with the basics of ethics, love, affection, a tendency to willingly accept the other person wholeheartedly. If these qualities are lacking it is better not to have that contract and bonding. So forget about it and think of any girl who really loves you. You can find out one easily. Best of luck.
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
i like the way you put it...thanks man...
@gnt23tr (1015)
• United States
13 Dec 06
please...if you really love her why do you have to care about the religion,,
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
no its not the religion...that thing is for our parents...the main problem is...why did she not refuse to the proposal...why does she want to meet the arranged guy???..why didnt she ask for some more time from her parents??? why??? because she doesnt love me right??? right???...
@Marie2473 (8519)
• Sweden
13 Dec 06
broken heart - broken heart
I do think she loves you. i think she is just scared and afraid to let her family down., i am guessing that the relationship/marriage is arranged and maybe she is afraid to speak up and tell them about you. Give her time, maybe she will come around, and if she doesn´t therewill be other love for you.. I do feel for you, to get your heart broken is never fun=/
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
hmm...well true that before she could talk to her parents...this proposal came in...but then why didnt she say no...or ask for some more time...that doesnt make sense...I know her parents wont force her into any marriage...thats for sure...
@cheongyc (5072)
• Malaysia
13 Dec 06
It's really tragedic. It's hard for her to oppose her family wish, but it's still possible. It all depend on how much she love you. And if you love her deep enough, you could try to confront her family (provided that she love u as much too) and propose to her before it's too late. If she is not confident with the relationship with you, then the best way is to let her go. To love her, not necessary to own her.
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
that is exactly how i used to think...to love, not necessary to own...but now that its real...I just cant make myself do it...its harder than i thought...
@daggi1712 (158)
• Germany
13 Dec 06
i understand, that you are broken just now. she seems not to have the emotions like you, so enjoy having had a good time, but ending now. there will be another good time, perhaps a better time with a real loving girl. best wishes.
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
thanks...I am broken...and really dont want to talk with her...and the responses over here are making me strong...i really cant tell you how much its helpin me...
13 Dec 06
If you really love her let her go and be happy in what she is happy ;)
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
thats what I am doin at the moment...and I always did that...
@akunuri (457)
• India
13 Dec 06
hey..am so sorry..i can understand what u r going through. life can be so hard sometimes. but its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. u r much wiser now. let her go when she's not worth u. cry ur heart out,dont keep it all bottled up inside. but wipe ur tears and move on. there is so much of life ahead of u. u will surely find a girl who loves u for what u r..all the best..
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
wow...thanks...really liked ur response...thanks so much...
@scorpius (1793)
• India
13 Dec 06
broken heart - broken heart
first of all i thnk that girls are much more practical than us guys.they can really think and plan their life that way.now as to the question as to whether this girl loved you or not only she can answer that.why don't you ask her that? now regardiong your situation,the girl could have decided practically that tyhere is no future for the two of you and could have decided to move on.i think that it is time for you to do two things.first of all have a heart to heart talk with her.then it is time for youi to move on as well. http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/broken_heart.html http://www.howtohealyourbrokenheart.com/ http://www.quotegarden.com/heartache.html
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
to tell you the truth...i just dont want to talk about anythin with her...i really dont feel like...i dont know why...I might be running away...but then this is the only thing to do anyways...but then again...there is not a single moment I dont think about her...
@rms2727 (815)
• India
13 Dec 06
if she really loved you she certainly would have made some effort to be with you and not jumped for the first proposal that came her way. its time to give yourself a brrreak and get away from this nonsense, and there is no reson for you to feel ackward or bad when you move out of this mess, cos you are doing the right thing. and not all girls are like that, there will certainly be a day when you will find a better match.
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
yap...thats the thing I thought...exactly the thing...so you do agree she didnt love me right...but then again some people in the responses are saying go deeper..see if shereally does have any...should i??? what do u think???
@lauczi (964)
• Poland
13 Dec 06
i have similar problem. my boyfriend has another religion and he said that we can be with each other 3 more years becuz thrn his family will take care of him, and he can do nothing if he oppose his family then will be expelled, and will have to way back there. i know they will like to find him wife, but he promissed me that he wont marry to anyone. its hard to live like this but i understand him, and if u feel it is the one, then stick to her. u never know what is going to happen. be her friend, and support her maybe she just didnt want u to show how much he suffers. noone knows what was in her heart.
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
hmm...i m sorry to hear that...but see at least u know that he loves u...but I dont...
• India
13 Dec 06
i am very sory to here this.but never say that all girls are the same.i say no one r so .but i dont agree that all girls r so .i will tell u the situation wat my bestfriend had.my friend and her love both r in deep love since 4 yrs .but as my friend related once said to her that if u marry him i will definitely kill him and he is a big vilan in real life too.so she made herself hated by him by acting that she loved another one in front of him.so that he may think that she cheated him.so he may realise within some days and marry another girl and she really want him to b happy forever and ever so there r situatiuons like this so never say anything without konwing all the facts.
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
u think i shud look deep into it...and see if shes tellin the truth??? ie...shes really got a proposal or not....do u think shes doin it so that I can move on??? but then...i dont know...i keep changing my mind...
• India
13 Dec 06
well i read about urs life, its really very hurted, as i too bothered same.... well we n my beloved both were also different religions, i was also gt mad abt tghink of our relation..finally i left,,n now i jus find new frnds n dont think abt back, so its jus sigh of relief from hurtings every moment..so i will same suggest u, if u truely love ur beloved thn plzz go anyhow wth ur frnd otherwise, jus be normal n try to gt busy urself n find more frnds....
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
14 Dec 06
thats what I am tryin now...can I ask you??? dont u feel the love anymore??? isnt it hard to look at ur beloved??? tell me more about your relationship please...I really want to know...how did u do it??? what did u do??? are you both good friends now??? how does it feel to see ur beloved with someone else??? tell me more please...it might help me go the way you chose...
• India
13 Dec 06
Well, i think da girl did not exactly loved u. She was just attracted 2 u. In simple language we call it a crush. I think u shud try 2 move on in life. I know its tough my frnd but u know one thing- being in a relationship is not da only thing in life. There are many other dimensions 2 life. Dont b shattered and dont feel disheartened. just behave normally and try 2 move on in life.
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
13 Dec 06
or infatuation???...i have thought of that actually...sometimes it makes sense...sometimes it doesnt...I am tryin my best to cope with the situation...and i dont know...just gettin lost...
• United States
13 Dec 06
maybe she is being forced by her parents to take the proposal because he is the same relogion and her parents are against different religions.I am sure she still loves you but her parents wont let you two have a life together and she cant be alone for her whole life so she moved on.it does not mean she never loved you.I would goand talk to her and see why she accepted when she said she loved you.tell her how you feel.maybe her parents wouldnt give her some time.no it is not like girls to just carry on like this it probably hurts her so she is trying to hide her feelings for you to pretend to be happy.
@whatif (35)
• New Zealand
13 Dec 06
but I dont want to have the talk with her...ok see....the type of guy I am...I love to give space to my love...I love to keep them free...and I never force them...I look at what she decides...and if she is happy with it...I let her do it...and this time...its just that she seems happy...and so I dont know...I just dont want to force her into not accepting the proposal...she should do it on her own...