I Need Some Advice
By Duvessa
@Duvessa (913)
United States
January 5, 2007 12:05pm CST
Well I have finally ended things with my boyfreind who I'd been dating for the past year. It was a mutual ending & we're going to try and "stay friends"
He told me that he's already seeing someone else & we have only been over for about 2 weeks now. That's fine, whatever more power to him.
I don't want him back because I keep reminding myself of all the mean things he has said and done to me the past year & he's NOT worth my time & is not worthy of me. so I'm doing my best to let it go. Although he told me that the best way to get over a relationship is to go out and find someone new to occupy your time.
Do you think this is true?
I have a friend, Andy, who I have been friends with for a few years now & I'm absolutly crazy over the guy. He knows & I think part of him feels the same about me but it could also just be wishful thinking. Now Andy & I have made plans time & time again & 8 out of 10 times he'll never show or won't even call me to give a reason why. But there's allways some different excuse as to why things didn't work out for us being able to spend time together.
I did manage to see him a few weeks ago before thanksgiving & we spent allmost the entire day together doing nothing but just talking & laughing & enjoying each others company. He asked me if I wanted to go out the next nite & I said ok. So the next night rolls around, I talk to him to find out he's still at work & had been for the past like 20 hours yet he still assures me that he wants to see me when he gets off work. He says he's going to clock out, talk to his boss then he'll call me back...I never heard another word from him that night.
Now this week I've spoken to him a few times & we made plans for wednesday night, but again, I never heard from him until last night. He said that he accidently washed his cell phone & therefore wasn't able to call me. I have no way of really knowing if that's true or not. So he told me lastnight that he wants to come over today & he promises that he'll do everything in his power to make it up to me and make me happy & make me smile. I spoke with him a few minutes ago & he still says he's coming over this afternoon....
whether he does or not I won't no until it happens.
But here's the thing, part of me is in love with the part of him that knows just what to say and do to make me happy. We both want the same thing in a relationship. I've been trying to talk myself into telling him exactly how I feel and what I love about him and how I hate when he stands me up, i'm planning on doing this tonight if he actually shows up...
but I don't want to scare him off or come on to strong and whatnot....
so what do you guys think I should do?
8 people like this
57 responses
@bricin6 (29)
• United States
5 Jan 07
Although you may feel comfortable with Andy the way he is treating you is no better than the way your ex was treating you. The best way to get over someone is to find a new one but I don't think Andy's the one for you right now. You need to start a new relationship from scratch with someone that respects you and your time.
@lilttownmommie (1473)
• United States
6 Jan 07
I agree, although I would tell Andy that you enjoy his company and want to spend time with him, but him standing you up hurts you and you can not deal with it, and ask him to not make plans with you if he is not going to follow through with them.
@Gruzzle (294)
•
5 Jan 07
You have to tell Andy how much he is hurting you when he does this. It seems he could be a really great guy and if he really cares for you he should be upset to know that he is upsetting you.
You worry about scaring him off, but if telling him how you feel scares him then he probably wasn't serious to begin with.
You don't need to come on strong. If he turns up say "I'm so happy that you could make it this time" (not in a sarcastic way. Then say "I love spending time with you so I get so dissapointed when you don't show".
Try working on him at least contacting you when he knows he's not going to make it.
Good Luck!
@thekiwi (588)
• United States
6 Jan 07
I totally agree with this comment! You must let him know how you feel! Maybe thats what hes wanting too, maybe he really dont know how to act when you two get together and thus the reason why he doesnt go to most of the "dates" you all arrange...then again you'll never know until you try it! :)
Good luck with this!
@Honeybuttz (256)
• Philippines
6 Jan 07
I agree with this comment it is very helpful and enlightening. I believe it too that you ought to tell Andy how you feel everytime he stood you up. You don't have to come on too strong because you can say how you feel in the most gentle way possible.
@eslproofreader (517)
• United States
5 Jan 07
Forget about the both of them and the idea that you need to have a boyfriend. Focus on yourself and your own happiness. No man is going to make you happy- you need to be happy as an individual, and then you might find someone who nurtures or even enhances that happiness. Stop settling for losers who use you. Cultivate more confidence in yourself; it will help you make healthier, wiser decisions, and it's also a very attractive quality. Good luck.
2 people like this
@cosbyholmes (27)
• United States
5 Jan 07
its sounds to me like andy works alot and is tired quite often so i would give the guy a break for now. ask him next time you make plans if he is sure he can be there and if he doesnt call or show then my guess is hes seeing someone else. im not trying to me that blunt about it but you asked for advise. if he really likes you he will make time to see you. i used to sleep mabey 2 to 3 hours a night just to see my current girlfriend and that was just when we were friends. youll know the truth. just ask yourself not us. later
2 people like this
@pebbles724 (642)
• United States
6 Jan 07
It sounds to me like Andy likes you as a friend, but doesn't want a serious relationship with you. It is not fair to you that he makes plans with you then doesn't call or show up when he says he will. That is not how a man acts when he is really interested in someone romantically. You need to find someone who will appreciate you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
2 people like this
@micheller (1365)
• United States
5 Jan 07
Kinda sounds a little wierd how he always stands you up like that. Even though you may think that someone would make a good boyfriend and even if they treat you perfect when you first start dating, doesn't mean that they will stay that way. So be careful on making your decisions. But remember, you always gotta take risks to find out how something will really turn out and if you don't take that risk you'll never know how it would have ended up.
1 person likes this
@chiquita1977 (1706)
• United States
5 Jan 07
I believe when you end a relationship you should not jump into another one because most of the time your on the rebound but if you think you are ready for another relationship then i would talk to this guy and explain things to him and how you feel im sure he will understand.i dont think you will scare him away the best way to start a relationship is to be upfront.
1 person likes this
@amit_sood (168)
• India
6 Jan 07
Dear what he told to you that is not true now don't do this all things and just concentrate on your career automatically he will comes to you and just remember that what ever you will do again that guy also do same like this so again you face this type of problem and again your heart will break so my advice to you live easy life like as me i also have same like you but i adjust myself and now also i am loving her because she is my first love and i always her thats my promise and i also know she is also loving me so much but the situation of family is that they don't like each other and thats y i don't want do take prior step and now i am going very far from her i don't know how can i live without her i really love her but it is also a drought came in my life and i face this so my advice to you my dear friend that please don't start love with other what ever your friend will do that all are affair but you done love to him so always love him and after your marriage love only your husband. i would like to be your friend and talk more about your life if you have not worry so please send mail on my email amit_sdh@yahoo.com. take care.
1 person likes this
@ricko62 (8)
• Canada
6 Jan 07
you seem to be dwelling on the love side a little bit to much.mabe just try being more on the freind side try not to let it get to you so much about not seeing him,just except it may be over between you two and find someone that will show up when they call.
good luck...
@nuttmeg (440)
• United States
5 Jan 07
I'm kind of going through similar with a friend of mine, whom I've known for about 8 years now, so I can somewhat relate. I think part of the problem is that, especially after a break up, we start seeing the greener pastures, often in our friends. That's not to say that what you're feeling isn't legit, but I think that sometimes we really need to think about it, or at least take things slowly when searching into our feelings at such a time. Your friend might also being seeing you ask having been freshly out of a relationship, so maybe he's worried about being a rebound?
Another thing is that, for me and some others I know, when we start thinking on more serious terms with friends, we start changing how we act or react with them, because now, in our minds, the stakes of changed. Friends are now being held in a different light, one that I think we tend to take a little more sensitively. My advice is to be how you've always been around him and just let things come as they may. I do think you should tell him how you feel in regards to him flaking on your so much, my guess is that you probably wouldn't have had a problem doing so before now, since we're often feeling less vulnerable around are friends. However, I would wait on the love parts until some time has at least based since your breakup with the last guy. Nothing worse than making a good friend a rebound. Just keep it cool, don't rush things or him. He knows how you feel; if he chooses to act on it, he will.
@buddy4u (23)
• India
6 Jan 07
hi duvessa,
my advice is that we should give preference to one who loves u rather than to whom u love.....
and what i think true love is that which comes back to u
if someone love u then he wil absolutely come back to u........
u do not need wait forever for ur exfriend otherwise u will lose ur present love ...
if u think u cant wait anymore for ur ex-love then accept
present guy who loves u .......otherwise u will lose this one also........
1 person likes this
@morris_minor1958 (38)
• Australia
6 Jan 07
Well, I know it's hard to hear this, but I think if he's failing to turn up so many times then he's just not really all that into you, except for when he's bored or needs someone to give him some attention and make him feel good. Believe me, if he really liked you there wouldn't be all these excuses. Sure, someone can wash their phone accidentally, but this wouldn't account for all the other times he's stood you up. You say that you both want the same thing in a relationship, but it seems to me that you're looking for love and he's looking for someone to fool around with on his terms and his schedule. I also think that you should be careful that you're not on the rebound and just clinging desperately to anything at the moment. I think you should just back right off, don't call him (I know it's hard! :) ), be polite but kinda non-committal if he calls, and see what happens. If he really likes you he'll chase you, and if he doesn't, then at least you know one way or another.
1 person likes this
@athena_valentine (15)
• United States
5 Jan 07
You should confront him in how you feel because sometimes flaky people don't realize what exactly their doing. As in, being flaky. If he says an apology be like is cool. Next time, if it shall happen be like, you know, I really don't like making plans with you because you always flake out and then don't make plans with him for awhile. People need to be held accountable for their actions.
Athena Valentine
2 people like this
@melody1011 (1663)
• India
6 Jan 07
I think you need to play hard to get with the Andy friend of your's. SInce you are almost always available when he wants to meet you, it probally does not seem much of a challenge. Guys like a challenge and this way you will also perk up his interest. You need to do somehting else in your life. Meet with old friends or meet new people. I know its difficult cause i've been there. But I took up a new job and met lots of different people and guess what my BF finally came back to me. If you are easy to get, men lose interest. Anyway all the best to you. Remember there is someone out there for you.
@Duvessa (913)
• United States
6 Jan 07
Why is that?
Why do men lose interest?
Why can't they just be normal & upfront & accept that a female likes them, but noooo they want her to pretend she's not interested so they can come to you on their own terms. Screw that. i'm 27, & i'm too old to be playing childish games with stupid boys. I want a man not a child.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
6 Jan 07
U definately need to let this guy know how you feel. if there is a chanse that he feels the same then it´s great - if not then atleast you know.
It might be that he is scared of what he´s feeling and therefor keeping a distans between you..
Good luck
@pebbles_cubbie (3789)
• United States
6 Jan 07
it's good that you are trying to stay friends but that usually doesnt work out. i would be mad that he was already seeing someone after just 2 weeks even though it was mutual. it feels like he wasnt that into you and he's trying to get over you. i know that's how i would feel. he is a little right when he said find a new guy but if you dont feel like dating right now then dont. just hang with your girls and they will help you through it. i think this andy guy just doesnt want to hurt you. i think that he wants to be friends with you and just doesnt want to tell you that he doesnt want to be with you like that or he just to shy or scared of where things could go between the 2 of you. you guys should sit down and discuss it so you both are on the same page. maybe he really does want to see you and spend time with you but just way to scared to show it. i have dropped my phone in the washer while putting clothes in the laundry and the water was on and i ruined my phone but it was the house phone and i had another one upstairs. washing phones does happen but he seems to be coming up with so many excuses that it just seems strange. maybe he's seeing another girl and hasnt told you so he doesnt hurt your feelings. just try and talk to him about it and find out his real reasons for ignoring you and dissing you like that. there's one way to find out if he really washed his phone. look at it. if you've seen his old cell phone before then just see if its' the same one or if the old one had scratches on it look to see if there are any scratches still on it. dont believe his empty promises he's just trying to string you along it sounds like. tell him exactly how you feel tonight and tell him how rude and inconsiderate he is for standing you up and making promises he cant keep. just tell him you want to know the truth even if it hurts. maybe he just says he wants what you want in a relationship to make you think you have some kind of chance. it's a really complicated situation but he seems like a player. dont worry about scaring him off because if he really cares about what you feel and what you have to say then he aint worth your time.
@sidearthman (179)
• India
6 Jan 07
I think that you should find another man...He was your past and now you have to live in present....the same was the case with me when my girlfriend left me and went to canada...i was in a real trauma......but slowly and slowly i started to foryget her and now today i m very busy in a new relationship....
@randyequal (439)
• China
6 Jan 07
if you still love him and you feels that he loves you, maybe you can be bf and gf again. Life is just, valueable is always know after lost..
but, if you feel no good to be with him, just let gonebys be gonbys
