Domestic Violence

@cjsmom (1423)
United States
January 5, 2007 7:24pm CST
At one time I as married to a man who abused me both mentally and physically. He would make me hold his arm when in town and look at the ground; if I looked up and seemed to be looking at anything specific he would then beat on me when home. One day we were in grocery and I couldn't stand it any longer, I looked up a bit at the selves on my side of the aisle and my eyes happened on a box of Quaker Oats...I quickly looked down again, my heart seemed to stop and I prayed that he didn't witness this. Sure enough, he let me have it at home saying that I was fantasizing about what was between the Quaker's legs. Thankfully I ended up being one of the lucky one's; getting out within the first year. He never went to work; (he got money from being part of a reservation) so, when he finally got a part time job I waited to make sure he wasn't coming right back and called police, telling them to come get me because I had a gun and would blow his head off when he came home...Praise God, it worked..! I fell for the ladies that are still in abusive relationships and would like to help in whatever ways I can.
6 people like this
10 responses
@taramoon (742)
• Spain
5 Feb 07
Well done to you hun, i made the move 3 years ago when i got out of my abusive marriage, i was being strangled and had my 1 and a half year old baby in my arms at the time, lucky for me i predicted the row before it started so was able to ring the police in advance and they arrived just in time, otherwise i would not be here today, unfortunately he is still walking the streets today, but neither me or my kids have anymore contact, it's taken me 3 years to pay the debts of he left me and i'm still paying, i nearly lost my house due to struggling with money, but 3 years on, i have still my house, two wonderful kids that don't want for anything, some great friends and a nice life, i run my own business and as a single mum i can swap and change my work schedule to suit my children, so for all those other people out there who are black and blue, don't think to yourselves that you can't get out of the situation, because you can and if you really want to you will, there is a life after dark patches xx
2 people like this
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I'm very proud of you as well, tara...Good for you that you instinctively knew what he was going to do. I'm so sorry that you're baby was in your arms at the time but I'm so happy that your life is much better for you and your children. Keep in touch if you'd like. You can request me as a friend here if you want to as well. God Bless you and your family.
2 people like this
@taramoon (742)
• Spain
5 Feb 07
Thank you for your lovely reply xx
2 people like this
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
5 Feb 07
You are very welcome..!
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Feb 07
If women who are in the same boat would only do the same for themselves. Many believe that mental abuse isn't abuse, but few understand that although it doesn't leave a visible mark it does bruise deeply. Often times mental abuse turns to physical abuse too. Huggers to you for having the courage to get out.
2 people like this
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
3 Feb 07
Thank you, Butter...You are so right. A lot of women feel that just because they aren't hit then they're not in an abusive relationship. Even though I didn't enjoy the beatings, if I were to choose I would have had them than the mental abuse; being told that I was worthless, ugly, fat...That noone would ever want me if I were to leave.
2 people like this
• United States
6 Feb 07
Been there, done that. It took me 15 years to feel confident enough to be open to dating.
2 people like this
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
6 Feb 07
I can understand that, totally.
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Feb 07
I'm so glad you got out of that situation. My ex became an abuser out of the blue. After he decided that having twins was too much for him to handle he became a changed man. I'm thankful it was never as bad as you had, but I wouldn't have allowed it to get there thank GOD. I'm not criticizing that your situation did get there.. I fully understand not walking away because of fear or simple fear of not knowing what to do next. Luckily, my 3 kids and I kicked him out and never looked back but after seeing how a person of my strength, moral and physical, can easily be trapped into an abusive relationship so quickly I truly can understand women who don't have the intestinal fortitude I have to walk away. It's not always as easy as it sounds.
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I can understand what you're saying. There are times when it's hard to get out right away; with him telling me constantly that, if I left him he would kill my children (didn't have any with him, thank the Lord)...It made me more concerned for them than myself. But I just couldn't take it any longer and felt that I would die shortly if I didn't get away. Thank goodness he never did anything to my children when I left but he did go to my son's school one day and approached him on playground, asking him, "How's your mom doing?"...When I found out I started getting scared again. It's been many years since then, my son is grown and has a new baby of his own; I think we're all safe now but you just never know.
1 person likes this
@babyhar (1335)
• Canada
2 Feb 07
I am so very sorry that you had to go through a situation such as this one. I know how painful it is to think you love someone & to have them abuse you. I must congratulate though on taking the next step! You should be very proud of yourself for getting out & starting a new life. I know that I was once in a relationship where I was being abused as well. So I can relate to how you feel 100 %. Some of the things he had said to you we're quite similar to the things the man I was with would say to me as well. I remember being engaged to this man & being with him for a year. I was physically but mostly verbally abused by him & I am just glad that I had come to my senses & had gotten out when I had. Because I know if I wouldn't have gotten out when I had I truly do question where I would be right now.. And what kind of life I would be living. I sometimes can't help but look back & ask myself why I had stayed so long. Do you do the same?! But at the same time.. I know that what I had gone through has not only made me a stronger person. And has taught me a lot about myself. As I am sure that's how you feel as well. I know that sometimes change is always scary, even if it is for the best. I know that your decision was a very wise one to make though, especially since if you would have stayed you may have ended up eventually having your life being taken away from you. Abusive people tend to only get worse over time. I honestly believe that it takes a great deal of courage to sometimes be able to walk away from a situation such as this one! At least now because what you have gone through.. You can help people who maybe are going through what you we're going through. I think that's the most wonderful thing about going through certain trials in one's life.. That because of your experience you can help others now because of this.. And there's no more rewarding feeling then having the power to help others along the way! In conclusion.. Thank you for allowing us to hear your story. And thank you for allowing me to tell mine.. I know how difficult it is to go through something such as this. It takes a lot of courage. And you are a courageous women for being able to break free of his chains.. I wish you all the best & may there always be happiness in your life. Thanks for allowing me to share! xx
2 people like this
31 Jan 07
I know so many women who at one time in their life's they have been in an abusive relationship. It is quite frightening how many women go through this each day. In the UK 2 women a week are murdered through domestic violence which for the size of the UK is a hell of a lot. You are a very strong woman and to have had the courage to get out takes alot of strength. My friend was sadly abused for so many years, then one day she said to herself that she could go no lower and the only way to survive was to go up in her life again and she made the decision to leave her husband. She is now a very positive and strong woman who is happy in her life. She often says she cringes if she sees her ex now and cannot believe he made her feel so bad about herself. But these abusers are very clever and will emotionally break you before the real abuse starts. I hope your discussion will help alot of women who experience this form of abuse far too often.
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
31 Jan 07
Thank you so much and I'm glad that your friend finally got out. Usually men and or women who do this to others are very charming people. I tried to tell someone once and they said, "Oh no, that can't be right, he's such a nice guy." Sure they are, to other people, just not to the person they're suppose to love; behind closed doors.
1 person likes this
@kittykatzz (1132)
• United States
6 Jan 07
wow.. how awful for you to be in such a situation.. im happy that you were able to overcome what is surely one of your lifes most difficult tradgedies.. its nice that you postedt this topic to show any others that may be in similar situations to see what worked for at least one.. thank you again.
2 people like this
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
7 Jan 07
Thank you, Kitty...It was an experience that I'll never have to endure ever again. I've been married to a wonderful man for 18 years now and I couldn't be happier. I hope to be able to help other women or men (men actually go through this as well) who find themselves in the same position; that's the main reason I wrote about it here. It's also good therapy for me as I didn't go to any support groups; which I should have.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (127034)
• United States
6 Jan 07
Hey, smart you, not to take it for years and years, and good thing to tell the police so that you could leave, because of course I am sure you had no car or access to a taxi. What a brave smart woman you ate! You are a good example for others who are in an abusive relationship.
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
7 Jan 07
Thank you, Gerty for your kind words. Yes, I didn't have a car or any money. I knew we were in a certain city in a certain state, against a mountain, but other than that I couldn't even tell police address or anything. God led them to me.
• Canada
7 Feb 07
Wow. What a story. I am so sorry you had to go through that. My mom was in an abusive relationship for 14 years. it was not physical, but so extremely verbally and mentally abusive. It was so hard to watch - because we had to try and be supportive of her and hint to her that she needed to get out. I was so glad when she did. She's been out 5 years now, but has a daughter with the man, so she still has to interact with him. He is still very abusive. I am so glad you got out so soon.
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
7 Feb 07
I'm glad I was able to get out as soon as I did as well, thank you. If he starts getting verbally and mentally abusive with his daughter there are ways to cut all ties through the court system; it could be a hard road though and may take some time. I'm glad your mom finally got out; give her my best if you will, please.
1 person likes this
• Canada
8 Feb 07
Thanks. He is abusive with his daughter, and it's hard for my mom because she doesn't want to be the one who cuts her daughter off from her dad ... she wants her daughter to make that choice herself. I'm not sure what I'd do in the same situtation.
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
8 Feb 07
That's just awful...what you might want to do is sit down with your mom and talk to her about having a heart-to-heart with her. Have her ask how she feels about the way her dad treats her and if she would rather not have to be hurt by his words, etc. Tell them both if you can how much you love them (I'm sure you have already done this, but it doesn't hurt to say it as often as you can)...Love heals all wounds. I will keep you all in my prayers. Bless you.
@bonbon50 (659)
• United States
7 Feb 07
I was married to a man who 'fell off the wagon' which was a side I hadn't seen of him prior to our marriage. One night he choked me while we were arguing. I had him arrested but fell prey to his apologies and didn't press charges. It happened again a couple months later and I knew I had to get out. Luckily, I worked and had my own money and was able to do so without assistance. I gave him one chance and he blew it. I wasn't going to wait for him to do it over and over again at MY expense!
1 person likes this
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
8 Feb 07
I understand that...the man I was with, a few weeks before I actually got away, had me trapped in the tool shed on the property he was taking care of (for two old ladies); we lived in a trailer on the land. I did or said something he didn't like and he grabbed me by throat, pushed me to the ground, straddled me and grabbed a brick near by. He lifted it up and started to bring it down on my head saying, "I'm going to smash your face in and then noone will ever want to look at you again." I'll tell you what, scared the begezus out of me for sure!
@bonbon50 (659)
• United States
7 Feb 07
I was married to a man who 'fell off the wagon' which was a side I hadn't seen of him prior to our marriage. One night he choked me while we were arguing. I had him arrested but fell prey to his apologies and didn't press charges. It happened again a couple months later and I knew I had to get out. Luckily, I worked and had my own money and was able to do so without assistance. I gave him one chance and he blew it. I wasn't going to wait for him to do it over and over again at MY expense!