Accepting a terminal illness... does it have to be done out loud?
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
Canada
January 21, 2007 9:18pm CST
This is a sad sort of question but my daughter asked me about this tonight. Her boyfriend just found out that his grandfather is "full" of cancer. There will be no treatment. The gentleman is in his late 80's and has lived a very good life. Her boyfriend says "the family is having trouble" because the grandfather "won't accept that he is sick." The grandfather says, "There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just old."
I think, in this case, they should let the grandfather believe what he wishes, since there is no treatment, and just keep him comfortable with the minimum of intervention possible. I believe that people DO know when it's their time, whether or not they choose to express that to anyone else. Sometimes their denial or, in this case, their wording is all about protecting the ones they love.
What do you think... should the family keep on with the grandfather until they get his "acceptance" or verbal acknowledgement of his condition or should they let it go? How would you handle this in your family?
5 people like this
14 responses
@XxAngelxX (2830)
• Canada
22 Jan 07
Sorry to hear about this. It's tough when someone close to us is sick with a terminal illness. Denial is the one of the first stages though, and I agree with you. I don't think there is any need to keep at him about it. I believe we will know when we are dying and won't need anyone there to shove it at us. But it's always easier said than done :(. Best of luck to your daughter and her boyfriends family.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
22 Jan 07
I agree Angel... denial is instinctive. Who among us wants to accept news like that, no matter what our age, stage or condition? Thank you for your kind thoughts, too.
@inflamation (866)
• Pakistan
22 Jan 07
Yes buddy. You are correct. He has accepted the truth and he knows that his time is near and he has to leave everyone and he want to live his last few days normally without having any kind of treatments.
@missyd79 (3438)
• United States
22 Jan 07
i would just let him go obviously he has accepted the fact that he is going to die, let him live his last days how he wants to and if i was in his family i would make sure i could spend as much time with him as i could, just to create some lasting memories with him.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
22 Jan 07
I agree missyd... I am quite sure the man knows exactly what's going on. I mean, he has been active and even doing some woodworking and other activities right up until this time so he is not lacking in understanding.
I was telling my daughter that, since he's an old man with many stories (and he LOVES to tell them), maybe she could suggest to her boyfriend to ask his grandfather if he'd like to record some of his stories of serving in WWII and such. It wouldn't be "because he's sick" or anything but because the family would like to make a living history or something of the sort. I think it would be such a nice thing to have and to do -- I wish I would have had something like that from my grandparents.
@inflamation (866)
• Pakistan
22 Jan 07
Yes man the same thing which you would do I would also prefer to do the same because its his last wish to not to go for his treatment because he knows that he has no cure for his illness.
@dana234 (2114)
• Spain
22 Jan 07
Agree. They should just let him live the rest of his life the way he wants to. What would be the point of convincing him that he´s got a terminal disease? It would just affect his state of mind in a negative way.I think he should be allowed to live his last days in peace. If he choose not to accept his disease, his choice should be accepted by his family and they should try to make him feel as comfortable as possible. That´s what I would do if he was a member of my family.
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
22 Jan 07
I appreciate the line where you say, "he should be allowed to live his last days in peace." If he is as affected by the cancer as I've understood, I truly don't think he is long for this world. I know they are all trying to cope, however they can, with devastating news... but I do hope his family can let things be and just love him for the time he has left.
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
23 Jan 07
The family needs to mind their own darn business. This guy knows more about living than they do, and he wants to live a good life right to the last day. They really shouldn't try and take it away from him.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
23 Jan 07
Amen and well said... I think that their insistence is more for affirmation of their own feelings, rather than his. He just wants to keep on keepin' on - and they should let him!
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
22 Jan 07
I think you're right. If that's what the grandfather wants to believe then they should let him. What's the point in upsetting the man by trying to make him admit that he's got cancer? What difference is it going to make?
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
22 Jan 07
That's what I think too... saying the words out loud doesn't make it any more real. And, like you, I think it will just make him very upset if they keep pushing at it. I'm kind of at a loss to understand what they're hoping to accomplish.
@smalltownmtngirl (327)
• United States
22 Jan 07
I agree with you, let him think what he wants to think. The family knows that he is sick, how can making him admit it make it any better. If he believes he is not sick he will feel better, most likely not be so depressed. A persons state of mind has alot to do with the condition they are in, no matter what it condition it may be.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
22 Jan 07
State of mind definitely plays a huge role, I agree smalltownmtngirl. When my mom had cancer, each time her doctors would tell her that it was back or that something further had occurred, she'd find every reason why they were wrong. I know, deep down, she believed them but the arguing and denial was her exhibiting her strong will to live. If she didn't accept it, it wasn't going to get the best of her. She often told me, "I'm not going to let this thing win."
@littlefranciscan (18327)
• United States
22 Jan 07
I agree with you let the older fella believe what he wants..contradicting him will only worsen his condition..Stress causes cancer to spread much faster..It is much better for all if they allow the grandfather to believe as he likes..let him be happy..!
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
22 Jan 07
you know...cancer is part of the aging process for alot of folks.
He is correct, he is just old. It sounds like your family is looking for some sort of drama that he isn't going to give them.
This is one of those situations that, if I was your daughter, I would be asking the family what this guys' acceptance would sound or look like, and what their response would be...especially if I might be married to a member of the family. They sound as if they are rather controlling.
1 person likes this
@thescribbler (386)
• United States
22 Jan 07
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross defined the five stages in easily understood terms. It seems he's in the first stage. Perhaps a quick tutorial on the five stages will help the family understand what he's going through and how to deal with it.
My feeling is that he should be treated as though he were still a part of the family, being kept up on the news and gossip etc. Meals with the family if he's able, all that stuff. Maybe just asking "How are you feeling today?" will allow him to express his thoughts at times. And if he rebels against acknowledging his condition and any extra care, then that's his choice to make and the family should be understanding of that.
@inflamation (866)
• Pakistan
22 Jan 07
I think that his family should ot force him for the treatment because he knows that his illness has no cure and if he would try for the treatment the few days he has left in his will also be snatched from him. SO thats why he is afraid. Make him relax and happy as much as they can and just prey to god.
1 person likes this
@mdilan (803)
• United States
23 Jan 07
I thibk this is a subject that should not behidden. For example, when my grandmother got cancer, my mom and my sister were a little afrid of letting me know in order notto affect the pregnancy. Butthe more they wait, things might get worse between the relationships and how ewill tolerate the situation.
1 person likes this
@vicky1 (240)
• United States
23 Jan 07
I think they should let him handle this as he wishes. I have lost family members from cancer and it seems like each one went through the same thing. Denial at first then mad at the world. And then they accept what is going on.The Grandfather should just be left alone believing what he wants.
1 person likes this
@dbeast (1495)
• India
23 Jan 07
i think one shoul not think that he/she is hill.he must believe that there is nothing wrong with him and live life to the full.and those surrounding this person shoul support the person by showing him love and affection making the person forget that he is terminally ill.there is no better medicine than love and affection shown to an ill person.
@earth2jacq (1502)
• Philippines
23 Jan 07
I think the best thing to do is to let the grandfather be. Let him believe he is well. Continue to do the activities he used to do. Afterall if he can't do the same activities eventually he will know that he is not well.
Since he already lived a full and good life, the best they can do is to shower him with their love until the end.
1 person likes this
