What is the definition of a parent?
By jhrcsr
@jhrcsr (348)
United States
February 4, 2007 10:47pm CST
Let me preface this post by telling you why I am asking this question. I was raised by my grandparents. They took me in at the age of 6 weeks and raised me until I got married and went out on my own. They did not sign adoption papers as they felt that this was an unneccesary step, their own son and daughter-in-law were my biological parents. I have spent my life calling my grandparents mom and dad. They have another daughter who is 20 years older than me. She WAS adopted at age 6 days. They signed all necessary paperwork to adopt her and went through the courts.
Because they adopted her and did not adopt me, my "aunt" is very vocal to everyone who will listen, that I am not her sister. That her mother is not my mother and that I have no right to be treated as anything other than a grandchild. When my dad (grandfather) died, she even went so far as to ensure that I was listed as the grandchild in the obituary - which I had kind of expected from her anyhow, but it still hurt - THEN the funeral home and newspaper misspelled my name drasically. I mean a totally different name. I called the newspaper to complain, they referred me back to the funeral home who let me know that my "aunt" was the only one who could make the change. She refused. So I now have laminated pretty copies of the obituary, that our local paper is kind enough to make for family members, that don't even have my name in them.
There is a lot more, I could explain about things that she does.....but that is not the point of the post.
I feel that a parent is the person who raises you...who nurtures you...who cleans your scrapes and dries your tears. The parent is the one who provides you with love and sacrifices so that you can grow and become a productive adult. They take you places and show you things to widen your view of the world. They give you support and love.
What is your definition? Were you raised by anyone other than your biological parent? Can you tell me if my thinking is wrong? Just looking for some justification of how I feel here.
14 people like this
61 responses
@citizenvin (518)
• India
5 Feb 07
all must obey there parent words first they are the one to be considered to god they will do all things for us in all needs and sorrows no one can compared to the parents which they make use for us...
2 people like this
@Lush_heidi (994)
• United States
5 Feb 07
to me a parent is there when you need them, the one that dries your tears, shares in your joys, teaches new things and encourages you in life. YOu do deserve to be treated a child of the grandparents because they took you in and parented you. TReated you as if you were there very own child Sounds like your aunt was jealous and I would stear clear of her if I were you. They raised a smart and sweet daughter so hold your head high and know your parents loved you very much! I hope your life is full of love,luck and happiness-always!
2 people like this
@hennars (250)
• United Arab Emirates
5 Feb 07
My sister and I are also brought up by my maternal grand-parents as they have lost their only child(daughter).In fact, she was not looked after very well by my father who later re-married.He's still mentally disturbed and lived in different country but we just keep in touch just to make all happy.
Yes, when being very young, we knew & have respected alot my grandparents as they have done their best to treat us happy as normal.They have sacrificed alot, very much than ordinary parents( I'm sorry to say that)).Because, we were born deaf & dumb( hearing-impaired)-unknown to my dear innocent Mom( I don't remember if I had called her Mummy or Mama like others b'coz I was only 1 year old that time).That time we were trained in special institutions where we learnt to lip-read very well.We have passed schools & universities with flying colours.Thank to God for everything also to normal supporting husbands.We also have lovely hearing children- never mind cannot hear their calling us names like mummy but it's a great joy to see them running & hugging me:-)
Now, we are happily working.
1 person likes this
@jackie_mmm (886)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
i got teary-eyed when I read the last part. You never turned your back on God and endless possibilities despite the odds. I wish there were more people who open their hearts and mind to people who lose hope and courage to struggle and make something of their life.
1 person likes this
@APMorison (424)
• United States
6 Feb 07
The problem is you are dealing with the difference between the Legal Definition and the Emotional Definition.
Emotionally your biological grandparents are your parents.
Your 'aunt' believes she is protecting her Legal Rights as the first line of Next of Kin and unless your grandmother puts specific things in the will - you are legally at a lost on all of these issues.
Its not pretty but there it is.
1 person likes this
@jhrcsr (348)
• United States
6 Feb 07
The will was drawn up quite a while ago. My mom's attorney is also my attorney. We were all three in the room when the will was drawn up. Each of us and the attorney have a copy of the will. It clearly gives me 1/2 of the estate plus the house I live in (which belongs to my mom) and the land it sits on. So legally, I'm taken care of.
You're right, my aunt is really just having the legal vs emotional problem. The thing I find is that I "get it". I comprehend the difference in legalities and emotions, but I cannot express myself in a manner that my aunt finds acceptable. She just won't widen her perspective to see that a parent is not, necessarily, the person who gave birth to you if that person has never done another thing for you in your life.
Most days, I'm fine with that. I let her go on with her days and just accept that we will always disagree on this one thing. Some days though, I find it almost impossible to understand the why of what she does and it ends up hurting.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
6 Feb 07
You are so correct. It doesn't matter if they were your birth grandparents or you were adopted. They were your parents, papers or no papers. Your "aunt" is so wrong. All i can come up with is that she is jealous.Ignore her and remember how good your parents were to you and the good times you had.
1 person likes this
@jhrcsr (348)
• United States
6 Feb 07
Everyone is being so kind! I do remember the good times and I will treasure them always. I feel bad about causing my Aunt such turmoil, but I cannot deny what I feel and what I know is right. It would be wrong for me to deny that my grandparents are my parents at this point in my life. I could never do that. They have given me everything and I will always remember them as my parents. Thank you!!
@smiggle (7)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
for me parents is the most important person to me.. next to GOD.. our parents is the only person who is there to you everytime you are happy of sad... all i say is i am proud of having my parents.. even if we have misunderstanding sometimes... but i am very very proud of them.. i love them very much...*_-
1 person likes this
@Tejido (13)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
youa re right in saying parents are the only person you can run to in good times and specially in bad times...Parents will be parents no matter what. Parents want the best for their kids,AND for them we remain kids, even if we have a kids of our own..
WITHOUT them we wont exist..We owe them thanks in one way or the other..
1 person likes this
@huanghaozi (1472)
• Egypt
5 Feb 07
I feel a good parent is someone who has an open heart and open mind with their child. Someone who sets goals and boundries for themselves and their child. Someone who will be firm, but not overly harsh on their child. Basically, someone who wants the best...and that will give their child a lot of love!!
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22904)
• United States
5 Feb 07
"I feel that a parent is the person who raises you...who nurtures you...who cleans your scrapes and dries your tears. The parent is the one who provides you with love and sacrifices so that you can grow and become a productive adult. They take you places and show you things to widen your view of the world. They give you support and love."
I agree completely! When I am talking about parents in a conversation I'll usually say "the parent/caregiver" because not everyone IS raised by their biological parents for various reasons....I wasnt..I was adopted and in all reality, looking at a parent as someone you described (which I do) I really dont have parents..The ppl who adopted me supplied me with the necessities of life (food, clothes, schooling, roof over my head) but the things that would qualify them to be "parents" I didnt receive...
1 person likes this
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
5 Feb 07
i am raised by my biological parents,,,and i can say that im lucky for that...and i can imagine what youve been through out the years...and it keeps me wondering how could your true parents treat you like that?? i really havent have the slightest idea...for parents are the one whose gonna love you uncondtionally whatever youve done in your life..its them who always you can turn to in every hardships may it be financial or emotional in life..and i do find it in my parents...
1 person likes this
@jhrcsr (348)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Thank you! I explained in the post a couple above yours what reasons I know of for my being raised by my grandparents. I understand and comprehend the reasoning, it's just a part of my life that I have learned to live with over several years and much therapy.
@jeraldanmarie (472)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
so sorry to know you encounter all these pains in life.
let me go first with the defition of a parent:
a parent are loving couples who are a father and a mother to their children, who work hand in hand for the future of their kids much more it is their role to nurture their kids with love and preparing the children in a process ofgrowth and experience with integrity. teching them the values to be strong and worthy in the community as they grow.
Now your grandparents are the parents of oyur parents. right?
you did not tell in the post what happen to your biological parents. I know that deep in your heart you are hurt bec. your parents left you to your grandparents but do you know the reason why?
as mother also It is painful to leave a child to others though its a relative, I think theres a deep reason and situation at that time that your biological parents can't help but decide to leave you there. try to resolve it
second I think there is a longing for you to know the answers from them and the sense of belonginess or having a real family.
I hope I am not offending you but try to talk to your aunt too and tell her how you feel, maybe she is hurt also of something that she is throwing the madness in you.
communicate and I hope if your parents are still alive you can settle this things and start a new relatyionship.
learn to forgive also
1 person likes this
@jhrcsr (348)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Okay, this is going to get a little complicated, and I hope I make it so you can follow *S*. My paternal grandparents are the ones who raised me. My biological father was their child. He and my biological mother got married when she got pregnant. My biological mother was 17 when I was born, my biological father was 20. SOOOO, my grandparents are my parents, and my parents are my brother and sister-in-law. Does that make sense?? I have known them all my life. They came to visit once per month, more if they could afford it....we would go visit them when they could not afford to come up. They were very young, and not prepared for a child and the responsibilities of raising that child, let alone for the responsibility of marriage.
I have known the reasoning all along. I understand it too as I had my first child at the age of 20 so I struggled even then to care for my son and to provide for our family.
I do speak with my biological mother on the phone quite a bit, but she now lives 800 miles away so I don't see her very often, my biological father passed away in 1998. I've never held against them, what happened. I have always tried to treat them with a great deal of respect as that is how I was raised. But, I do call her by her first name and not Mom. It just doesn't feel right to do so.
@rubininidhish (567)
• India
5 Feb 07
sorry for not reading this passage. i will shortly tell u, parents means "dedications".
@jhrcsr (348)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I wanted to take the time to respond to everyone, but there are so many responses, I just want to tell everyone thank you for taking the time to read and respond.
There are some great responses here and I appreciate everyone's thoughts and their suggestions.
Thank you!!!
@fabwisp (1327)
•
5 Feb 07
You poor thing. Anyone can make a baby. But it takes special people to be parents. Parents are the ones who look after you and care dor you. From your description I would say your grandparents were your mum and dad. And it is jealousy on your "Aunts" part. Take no notice of her. Your grandparents looked on you as their own and that is all that matters.
1 person likes this
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
• Canada
5 Feb 07
In my opinion (your grandparents ) were your parents . The people who raised you and took care of you and wanted the best in life for you ARE your parents . Sounds to me like your sister (aunt) is jealous and wants to be able to take the title of daughter but not share it .
My eldest daughter , to me is my daughter . We are not going all the way as to adopt her but we are making her our legal guardian on the 8th of this month . I love her the same as my other children and even though she is older , she is still a member of our family and always will be . Our children call her their sister and I call her my daughter . I am the one who is there for her and want the very best out of life for her , I am the one who will fight for her rights . She is 17 years old but only has her grade 6 education , I would like to enroll her in school but am being told that because she was not a good student years ago and the fact that she has missed to much time , they don't want her back . I don't believe this is right as I feel every child should be entitled to an education . The thoguht that she went through her whole life and no one was ever there for her or cared where she was or what she did is very disturbing to me . I can't understand how she was able to drop out of school after she got her grade six as she would have only been twelve years old , but no one cared what she did or if she ever came home .
But like you , she has someone who loves her and although we are not going through the whole adoption process , she IS our child .
1 person likes this
@thammaiah (29)
• India
5 Feb 07
Well I can say parents are those gods who sacrifice their present for the future of their chldren.In your case your grand parents are your real gods, notwithstanding their age and ability they have nurtured you and brought you up to a certain level. Now it is paytime friend. I feel sad that u left them and went out on your own after you were married. It was your duty to take care of them when they were ripe in age and helpless. Can you imagine the sacrifices they may have made to bring you up? Now what are you cribbing about your name not being listed etc., it doesnt matter friend.You can do justice to the great sacrifice of your grand parents by adopting and upbringing kids who have no one to take care of them.
@jhrcsr (348)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Oh, I'm so sorry, I did not mean that I left them. I only live 3 miles away :-). I see my mom (grandmother) quite often and speak with her daily. We help take care of her by taking her to appointments and by spending time with her...it's just that she has quite a few medical problems now and has to have full time care, which I cannot do because I am not qualified to care for her health.
My dad (grandfather) passed away in 1992. He had an automobile accident. Up until that time, we saw him three - four times per week and spoke daily. He was my son's best friend and they hung out together all the time. They still would if he was alive.
@kawillow74 (1416)
• United States
6 Feb 07
I think your (grandparents) should be named as your parents if you feel so strongly about it. I think it is great that you are sticking to your right to make sure it is known. Personally my real father was never a father my stepdad mean more to me then him if something where to happen to me I would what him listed as my father so I see where you are coming from don't let her push you around and know I was to old to be adopted my my stepfather.I wish you luck.
1 person likes this
@raj_74 (48)
• India
5 Feb 07
oh u have asked a difficult question. it sounds easy and i very much want to answer it. but i know i cannot find enough descriptive words to exlain it.
buy i am sure of one thing parental love and care is unsurpassable and uncomparable. anyone may let go of their hopes on you. but it is the parents who allways dream for you and are the more cherished lot on your success. their love is unconditional. you know something giving a birth to a child for the mother is like rebirth.
her body and life takes huge transformation and change during this course. to know this one has to experience it.
but gosh all cannot be women.
they sacrifice everything to give u the best. we may not reaslise this but when our chance comes to be a parent we too want to be known as the best parent. then perhaps we are proud and know wht a real parent is.
@wins902007 (133)
• Romania
5 Feb 07
Parent consists of 2 person playing an important role in our life. It can be anybody who acts as father and mother.
@manmaxman (850)
• India
6 Feb 07
parent are have first place than god comes in my life becoz thay have done every thing for me if i dont do anything for them than my life is wastage
1 person likes this
@andylest (54)
• Brazil
5 Feb 07
I've been raised by my grandparents, also, but fortunately I don't have this kind of problems with other relatives, seems to me that they're even more supportive than they would if I had been raised by my parents.
And also they didn't adopt me legally, when my parents broke up their marriage, each went to a side and I stood with my grandparents.
A parent, for me, is someone who cares for you whenever possible (in a perfect situation, this would be "always"), who's there to support you when you fall and to see you rise again, who wipes your tears, says what you need to hear, provides you in the best way he/she can and all that.
And I also think that if I were raised by my biological parents, I wouldn't be half of what I am today, that's a sad thing to say, I think, and I never said something like this to them and don't think I will someday.
Your "aunt" may envy you, think you stood between her and your (grand)parents, and the best way to bring this to a solution may be a rational talk between you, try to show her your side of the story, that you feel bad about this situation, you don't intend to be a threat to her and that you can be friends.
Hope this can help you in some way ;)
1 person likes this
@oddball123 (125)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Growing up I was back and forth between my grandparents and my mom. I called my grandparents mom and dad. I beleive the term parents refers to the ones who love you, cared for you and were there for you over the years. My mother never attended one football game I cheered at but my grandparents never missed a game. When I was in a car accident my grandparents set beside my bed while my mother got kicked out of the hospitial for being drunk. So I call my grandparents Mom and Dad. I celebrate them on Mothers Day and Fathers Day. Most of my family understands but there are one or two who don't. My grandmother once told me that you shoudl be smart enough to understand that some people are just stupider than you.
