How many chances do you give someone?

@rosie_123 (6118)
February 11, 2007 9:17am CST
Reading through a lot of posts here on MyLot, - one thing really strikes me. There seem to be so many women out there who are unhappy, and in unfulfilling marriages or relationships, and yet they still stay with their spouse. Now maybe I am hard, and horrible or something, but if my relationship was making me sad, especially if any form of abuse, whether physical or emotional was taking place, then I would get out so fast you would not see my heels for dust. This is 2007, and women do not need to be the chattels of any man that treats them badly. So my question is............... why do so many women forgive so many times, and just how many chances would you give someone who was treating you badly, before you called time, and said "enough is enough"!
15 people like this
78 responses
11 Feb 07
This is a very good question... But usually its because people know that the person that is making them sad also has a nicer side which they fell in love with... Staying with them would mean they are hoping they would turn back to that nice person they use to be. Also when you love someone so much, it is very hard to give them up, because of all the GOOD memories you have with them.
@wolfie34 (26791)
• United Kingdom
11 Feb 07
This can happen to men too! It's not only women that get abused, physically and emotionally. I have been in a relationship where it was the emotional abuse that had me trapped, and yes I am sorry to say that I was stuck in a relationship for five years. It is not easy Rosie and women as well as men find that there is no way out, you lose your confidence and self-esteem they make you rely on them heavily and the thought of stepping into the unknown with probably little or no money or support, bullies know this and husbands /wives boyfriends/girlfriends will use this lever and they know exactly how to manipulate and control their partners. It is part of the reason why I never want to get involved again, unfortunately without reliving all my past I jumped from the frying pan into the fire, I must have vulnerable come and use and abuse me stamped on my forehead. I'm sure others have been through the same and know it is hard to escape these type of abusive relationships.
3 people like this
@rosie_123 (6118)
11 Feb 07
Thanks for your response wolfie.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
11 Feb 07
i'm really sorry to hear wolfie. i know how much it hurts you because i did through the same thing. been involved in 5 years relationship and he just left me like. he been forced by his family to marry another girl. i don't know in which ages he live at. although he never gave me any abuse i mean external but it really gave me such mental abused on me. i almost lost my faith in this life because i lost half of myself but now i'm recovering. it's very hard for me to start a new life and relationship but i'm afraid that i'll be too late to start everything (relationship)
@shywolf (4520)
• United States
11 Feb 07
Rosie, I've wondered about this a lot for myself. I've really only ever had one close relationship, a long time ago, because I've been so painfully shy for so long that it's hard for me to meet someone. I've also longed, no - ached - for love, my entire life. I worry that if I do ever find someone, I will stay with them even if I know that I shouldn't, because I feel like it would be so hard to find someone else and because it is so hard for me to just give up on someone who I love. I really don't see how I could take physical abuse and not walk out - but mental abuse, verbal abuse, is awful too, and I wonder if I would stick around and take it even if I knew better and knew that i would be happier walking out. I agree that women stay when they shouldn't. I think that we are all scared that we won't find someone else to love, and that we won't be able to make it on our own. I know that those things would worry me. But I do really hope that i would have the strength and courage to walk out, if I knew that I would be happier doing so.
@rosie_123 (6118)
11 Feb 07
Well I am sure you would have the courage, shywolf, because through your posts here on MyLot, I have seen that you are a very sensible, insightful, and courageous person despite your shyness. And I hope you meet someone someday too - you deserve happiness. Thanks for responding.
@zynijh (44)
• Philippines
12 Feb 07
...may be i am a soft hearted person...nobody's perfect we all have our own mistakes...may be that's why even though how irresposible my hubby is financially and emotionally to my kids i could still forgive him...he is a very inconsistent person...but he actually changed a lot compared before... and i know he's trying his best though his best wasn't that good enough...sometimes as wife and a mother, we don't only think of how we feel..there are lots of things to consider...not unless i became a battered wife...
2 people like this
@ogtuwan (312)
• Philippines
12 Feb 07
Before I used to say once is enough, twice is too much... but the longer you stay in a relationship, the easier to forget those phrases.I can say, if you still love the person and you are willing to accept your differences, there is always a chance. Have a nice day!
2 people like this
@coolcatzz (1587)
• Canada
11 Feb 07
I hear you girl! It is 2007 and you'd think we would have come a long way where relationship and what we put up with is concerned. I think women (some women) are just afraid to be alone. They don't think they can make it on their own. They worry about finances and of course the children. Maybe they think the children could get taken away from them. If a woman is mentally abused so many of them really think they could do no better and have very low self-esteem. My husband and I split up 2 years ago after 18 years of marriage. Wasn't a bad split we had just grown apart. We get along great now and I know we still care for each other and would help eachother out. But I am fine on my own. I have our 2 children and a nice home and I am so happy. I can't explain it. I feel so at peace. I call the shots, we eat what and when I want, do what we want and it is a much more relaxed house. I love being on my own even though people feel sorry for you not having a partner. Are you kidding I love it.
12 Feb 07
Having recently come out of a long-term relationship where I was unhappy for sometime, I would never just "stick it out" again. Yes if you really love someone you should try and negociate issues and problems, but if you become unhappy for a length of time and nothing is changing, maybe it is time to admit that what you have isn't right for you and trying to make it right isn't going to help. I always have thought that the idea of relationships is to be happy in them, because you are happy in them you work at them and do what it takes to stay together. But if you are not happy, seriously not happy deep inside then the fear of being on your own should not stop you from doing what you know inside is right. If you stay, won't you just be pretending? Trying to fool everyone including yourself that you are with the love of your life and everything's just wonderful. And who are you really likely to convince? Probably not even yourself.
1 person likes this
@rosie_123 (6118)
12 Feb 07
Than you for your response.
• United States
12 Feb 07
Hi Rosie, I did have a husband that beat on me. At first it was beating so much - it was more like playful wrestling that soon got worse. I did give him many chances. The scene didn't improve, it only got worse. He didn't stop at beating me, he started destroying furniture. I left that scene! I'm glad that I did, I now have a wonderful husband whose my best friend, best buddy and we're very happy together.
1 person likes this
@rosie_123 (6118)
12 Feb 07
I am glad that you have found happiness now.
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
11 Feb 07
It's a good question... I know a lot of people will say "well, I made a commitment" and then avoid the issue. However, it strikes me that many turn a blind eye to one side of the "marriage contract;" the part that goes "to honor and cherish;" that applies to THE MAN just as much as to the woman who claims she is "honoring." I think fear of the unknown also plays a role here. Sometimes we get stuck in patterns where "horrible, but familiar" is preferable to "possibly great, but unknown and unfamiliar." Sometimes, also, we are going through a pattern of relationships we learned from our family-of-origin, and until we have learned the "lessons," we are unable to move on.
1 person likes this
@rosie_123 (6118)
11 Feb 07
Thank you for your insightful comments.
• United States
11 Feb 07
Women tend to feel like the other person "needs" them. Or that they can change them. It really is something that looks pretty cut and dry on the outside looking in. Usually abuse doesnt start out as physical, its usually mental. The mental abuse ruins your self esteem and you dont think that anyone else would want you, or if you leave he will just come after you. Also income is a big reason they stay, they think they cant make it on there on. I have never been abused but I have worked with many abused women. I would like to think that if I ever were being abused I would get out right away but untill I an in that situation I just dont know.
@rosie_123 (6118)
11 Feb 07
Thanks for your reply.
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
11 Feb 07
I guess that the answer to you question would be fear, The fear of being alone. on your own, I know that for many years I stayed in a miserable marriage because I truly believed that I was never going to make it on my own, my husband reminded me of that all to often. Then by accident more or less I had to take a job 550 miles away from home to help support our family, And guess what I wasn't helpless nor worthless nor any of the terrible things my husband accused me of, He put me down in every direction but my ability to work and hold a job, because I was the one that brought home the paycheck. After 3 months on the job I fell and broke my wrist and had to return to my husbands house, I had a taste of freedom and after that I never looked back, but it took me 20 more years to get to the place that I was comfortable being on my own and happier than I have ever been in my life. So please have a bit of compassion for those that do stay in a bad relationship, they need our support as well as understanding. Thank you Robin
@rosie_123 (6118)
11 Feb 07
Thank you for your response.
@mikncas (73)
• United States
11 Feb 07
It is much easier said then done, we all would walk away and never put ourselves in that position. Right... Well I am here to tell you that it is not always so simple I can only answer for myself I was in a very abusive relationship both emotional and physical for about 5 years. I never starts out abusive the abuser treats you like you have never been treated before they earn your trust and your love and before you know what is happening they are breaking down your self-esteem and making you feel like you will never make it with out them then it starts with a small push or a little slap then they appologize profusely and don't know what came over them and it will never happen again now you have to remember usually you have been together for over 1 yr.. 2 yrs. in my case. Then it was the challenge to change the abuser for the better cause you know this is not who they are... I have learned over the years that that is who the person is and only put up a front in the beginning. I was lucky enough to get away with my life he eventually went to prison and I met a wonderfull man had it not been for him going to prison I would prob. still be with him today IF he didn't kill me...
@rosie_123 (6118)
11 Feb 07
Thank you for sharing your story here, and I am sorry for your bad experiences. I am happy that you have found someone to love now, who treats you the way you deserve.
@weemam (13377)
11 Feb 07
I think a lot of these women take it because they think its normal or they won't leave their kids but I for one would take my kids and go to a shelter and never See him again , I'm one of the lucky ones who have had a really good marriage for 45 years and thank god have never experienced it xx good discussion
1 person likes this
@rosie_123 (6118)
11 Feb 07
I guess in some countries they don't have the "safety net" of the shelters that we do here in the UK. But - yes - I would go to one too. Thanks for your words.
@pagibig (299)
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
as long as i love him i'd give him a chance. i'd rather be unhappy with the person i love than be happy with someone else. that's like that luther vandross(?) song... "i'd rather have hard times with you, than good times with someone else"... as long as he does not hurt me physically and psychologically, i'll stay with him.. enough is enough once he crosses that boundary.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Feb 07
When I married I told myself that I would never live with anyone that abused me or drink. Think God, I never had to choose. It was good live except for hard work but everyone has to do that.
@mishang (499)
• Philippines
11 Feb 07
i've been in a relationship where my ex is like the devil's son, he treated so bad that i felt so down about myself, but after all the mistreatment that he'd done, it took me a while before saying enough of all of this stuff. i think, that some women gives chances because they are still hoping to save the relationship and by them staying on it, gives a chance for a spark on the relationship to grow or become better, but what really is happening that women are only tolerating the mistreats that they are receiving and that the love that they are showing for their partner is being replpaced by some other things.
@rosie_123 (6118)
11 Feb 07
Thank you for your answer.
@faraz007 (182)
• India
12 Feb 07
Totally agreed with you there are many women here on Mylot but they seems to be upset or going through mental tension. Maybe there family atmosphere is not good, but hey come on we should be confident of life. It is about giving chances to people who you love do not be totally harsh to them.
1 person likes this
• India
12 Feb 07
i usually dont give many chances because i usually take lot of time to commit in a relationship and after having assured that it is relly love and nothing else i take the next step.many people think their infation to be love and they get cheated easily.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Feb 07
I think financial incapacity is one main reason, especially if there are children involved. If I or anyone for that matter were a battered wife but have money to go, that would be easy. However, for a plain housewife without enough education to find work, it would be very difficult. Also, I guess these women still have in mind their marriage vows and are trying their best to keep the family intact, for better or for worse. Generally, I think women are by nature more forgiving and tolerant than men.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Feb 07
yeah..unfortunately that is reality..maybe it is just that some of these women are still under the impression that they should be submissive to their husbands, thus they are not conscious that they are doing too much of it and is making them look like martyrs in their own right..:c
1 person likes this
@janejaa (412)
• Pakistan
12 Feb 07
yeh, I also noticed many women talking hard about their relationships but one thing is for sure there are also so many men who face the same trouble. I'm not saying that due to the fact that I'm myself a boy but what is true is true. May I not face such situtaions but if I face it, I'll give as many chance as I can bear.
1 person likes this