What do you think about....

United States
March 7, 2007 9:07pm CST
Couples living together before they're married. I'm about to get a house with my boyfriend of one year. My mom thinks it's horrible to live with someone before you're married. Is this true for a lot of people or just my mom? I think it's a good way to get to know your special someone before you make a commitment. I need to know that I can tolerate living with someone before I marry them. What do you think about couples living together before getting married?
19 people like this
98 responses
@lpetges (3036)
• United States
8 Mar 07
ok well i have a daughter that is 22 and she is living with her boyfriend. i always thought it was fine when other peoples kids did this., but something about it really bugs me inside. i don't like to say it to people, and i don't like to hear about it from her, but its the plain and simple truth-she lives with him... but she sleeps in another room-right?
3 people like this
• United States
8 Mar 07
Yeah that is it she is sleeping in the other room. I think this thought you stated is the true reason why it is hard on parents. Even if you know that your daughter has been intimate with this man before moving in with him someone you can still have some denial. But after the move in it is to late to think otherwise. Our babies grow up and it is hard. Although I have mixed feelings on the live in thing I can so feel for you with how your feeling about your daughters decision to move in with the boyfriend. Best wishes to you and her.
2 people like this
• United States
8 Mar 07
hate to break the truth to ya but i DOUBT she is sleeping in another room. If it is her boyfriend and they live together...they are most likley sleeping in the same room and the same bed. I have a sister who is 22 and she is married! she may have a room that looks like her bedroom that YOU see if you visit but i doubt it is used as her bedroom
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Mar 07
My mom told me I had to sleep in another room if I moved in with my boyfriend. I guess she's not so crazy. Just concerned like you are about your daughter.
1 person likes this
@Michele21 (3093)
• United States
8 Mar 07
I think it is a food idea so you get to know everything about the person!! But I was raised to think that is was unacceptable, so when I wanted my boyfriend (now husband) to move in with me I was terrified to ask my parents their opinion. I was a single-mom with a little girl and needed their support-not financially or anything, just having them to talk to. But they didn't have a problem with it at all!! I was surprised!! Just do what you feel is right!!
3 people like this
• United States
8 Mar 07
Thanks!! I will for sure. I know that he's the one so I'm not scared. I just wish my parents were more encouraging like yours.
1 person likes this
@misskatonic (3723)
• United States
8 Mar 07
I am all for living together before marriage. How can you know if you can actually live together unless you've tried it? Some people can't do it, and it's better to find that out before marriage. There needs to be that trial period, just in case. I was convinced I was going to spend my life with someone, but then we tried living together... it was a disaster. All we did was fight. We were completely incompatible on that level.
2 people like this
• United States
8 Mar 07
Exactly, if only my parents would see it that way. It can save some meaningless marriages. I have to know it'll work before I commit.
1 person likes this
• Canada
9 Mar 07
I aggree that you should live together first. If you don't live together before marriage then how will you know what to expect after marriage? Some people are old fashioned that way, but also studies have shown that the divorce rate is higher for people that didn't live together before marriage.
• United States
9 Mar 07
I have lived with my boyfriend and we have had a beautiful daughter and are not married. Noone gives us grief about it. I think some people are old fashioned in a way and that is why they see a problem with it.
• United States
8 Mar 07
I have mixed feelings on this discussion. On one hand I can understand the logic of living with someone before the commitment is legal. And on the other hand if your not ready to make that commitment why are you wanting to spend that much time with the person? On the religous aspect if you have already been intimate with this person the crime as I will call it, has already been done so this is no longer a factor. Although I do beleive just because you have sinned does not mean you can go ahead and continue. Ok enough said about that. I married really young at 18 and my husband and I never lived together first obviously but I think our marriage vows held us together that first year. The first year of getting to know someone as deeply as you do when you share the same home is a hard one. And living together first could ruin what eventually would be a great thing. I mean if there is no true commitment holding you together that first year what is the point in really trying? My husband and I have been married for 18 years now and have 5 wonderful children, we are eachothers best friends and even though we fight we find ways to make it right again. I know him better than I know myself and vise-versa but I think if I would have lived with him first I never would have found out how deeply I love him. It would have been to easy to leave in anger. Best wishes to you I hope everything works out the way it should be.
2 people like this
• United States
8 Mar 07
Thank you!!! That was very helpful and kinda scared me. Everyone I know that is still together didn't live together first and I'm not sure if that's what kills a relationship or not. I haven't decided what to do yet but hopefully I'll get more useful comments to help me choose the right decision. Thank you again!!!
2 people like this
@mrsbrian (1949)
• United States
8 Mar 07
if its not a religion issue , i dont think there is anything wrong with living together,society has changed a lot today than when your mother grew up,and also you may think you know your intented well but believe me you never really know someone untill u live with them.there are many things to discover about living with someone. good luck
2 people like this
• United States
8 Mar 07
Thanks!! Hopefully I won't need luck but it's good to have some.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Mar 07
Well, I lived with my husband before we got married, and I'm glad I did. I think it would've been almost a culture shock had I not. And prior to him, I lived with another boyfriend, and I have to say that I am so grateful that we never got married. I would've been stuck in something horrible for a lot longer than I was stuck to begin with. Statistically speaking, it is not in the best interest for a long term commitment to just cohabitate, but from my personal experience, I couldn't do it any other way. You never really know someone till you are in the same house as they are. You just need to look within yourself and figure out what you want for you, not what your mom wants for you. You are an adult and are capable of making your own decisions. If it doesn't work out for you, then lesson learned. Good luck in your endeavors.
2 people like this
• United States
8 Mar 07
Great comment. It is up to her, she will ultimately gain the support of her mother, as this decision is not her mom's to make. I think that prior generations, like the Baby Boomers, feel as though it would be living in sin. However, for the Gen X'ers, we might see it as a compatability test. :-)
1 person likes this
@miryam (6505)
• Italy
8 Mar 07
I am accord, are by now in 2000, certain things does not know any more at random. I think that a trial period is right. I am also favourable to the cohabitation. One says in Italy: "never buy a closed box"
2 people like this
• United States
8 Mar 07
Times have changed when I was younger it was frowned upon and considered very low class to "live in sin" nowadays no-one cares.
2 people like this
@MiLaw8 (74)
• Philippines
8 Mar 07
Here in the Philippines, they think that it is really horrible and unacceptable to live in together since we are a christian country. However, I highly recommend those couple living together before getting married. In this manner, one will get to know better their partner. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and I really and strongly believe in marriage that once you are in there is no turning back. You really have to work your butt out just to survive and take good care of that marriage.
2 people like this
@Starline (681)
• United States
8 Mar 07
I lived with my husband for a year before we got married. Maybe that wasn't enough.. but my personal opinion is like yours, you should see if you LIKE living together before commiting to do it for a lifetime!
2 people like this
@beaniegdi (1964)
8 Mar 07
times have changed. when i was younger it was known as living in sin and was really frowned on. now no one minds. my son lives with his girlfriend and i can't see anything wrong with this, your mum lived her life her way and you must live your life your way.
2 people like this
• United States
8 Mar 07
There is no rational reason why you shouldn't live with someone before marriage. End of story.
2 people like this
• United States
8 Mar 07
I think it is a good idea. There are too many divorces in the US there would be less if people really got to know the person before they jumped in. When you have been with someone awhile you know them but not like you know them after you live with them. Then all the things you never seen that they do come out. On the other hand if you are really in love with someone and get married nothing that they do in their own home would really be that big of a deal.
2 people like this
@kurtbiewald (2625)
• United States
8 Mar 07
check him out for at least 3 years before even considering marrying him
2 people like this
@greengal (4286)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Personally I don't approve of a couple staying together before they are married. Why is it that people want to put their relationship to the so-called test and then dump each other if they have differences?! Couples nowadays want to everything under the sun except get married. Call me old-fashioned or just a plain nut, but that's how I am and prefer it if couples were married first and then thought of living under the same roof. I think this is not acceptable in certain religions as well.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Mar 07
I'm ready to get married to him it's just hard getting him to ask. Maybe I'll just tell him he has to ask first.
@chargoans (939)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Seeing how you have had a relationship with your boyfriend for a year, it would be acceptable to live with him before marriage. It's not like he's a one-night stand and you are attempting to move in together. :-) I am 38 years old and am in my second (and last!) marriage. My first marriage ended after 15 short months and one baby girl. We were just incompatible. but most just too young to be married (I was 18). My second marriage was the result of a 3-year long relationship, in which two and a half years were spent cohabitating with my boyfriend. We went through many ups and downs throughout those first years. It was a good thing though. We were into our second year together when we started talking about marriage, but had to put it off due to unforeseen circumstances. A year later, we were married and had a baby girl together. He was wonderful to my oldest daughter, so I knew he would be a good daddy! Yes, sometimes living together will pull a couple apart, but I support cohabitating when marriage is to be the end result.
• United States
8 Mar 07
Darn, I forgot a point! While I was between marriages, my parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles all determined that I was "living in sin". My grandmother would clip out articled negatively reflecting on couples living to gether out of wedlock, then send them to me at my shared home. I smile when I think about it, because she would send me these clippings. She and my other family members are "old school" and cohabitation is socially unacceptable in their circle. But then again the same holds true for interracial relationships with them. TImes change, we have to be able to adapt to those changes, and for some of us it's a bit harder. :-)
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Mar 07
I really really like your story. I'm so happy for you and your husband. I hope I get as lucky as you. I think I've already decided to wait a while until I move in with him but I will live with him before marriage. I think people need to start living in today not the olden days. Good point though very good point.
@charms88 (7538)
• Philippines
18 Mar 07
Okay giggles, here's what I can advise you. I'm very conservative in dealing with relationship. I honestly have to tell you that it is not a custom in my country to living in before marriage. But I will not stop you from what you like to do. It is your prerogative to think if you are ready to move in with your boyfriend. For me though, you are still young. You have more years to learn about your boyfriend. All I wish is your happiness.
• United States
20 Mar 07
We both decided against it for now. I don't want to drive him crazy with being around all the time when he needs his space. It'll happen eventually and hopefully it will be after we get married.
@malenadu (33)
• India
8 Mar 07
i think it is a bad decision may i know in which country u are residing in
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Mar 07
USA in a little state called Arkansas.
• United States
8 Mar 07
I think it is fine. In fact I think that everyone should try out living together before getting married. This way they know if they can live together before making everything legal. My husband and I lived together for five years before we got married. We have been married for six years now. I wish you and your boyfriend luck!
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Mar 07
Thanks for the encouragement. Hopefully I'll be lucky like you and your husband.
• Romania
8 Mar 07
hey there! i am exactly of the same age as you are and my boyfriend and i are planning to get a house this summer. except that my parfents still aren't aware of that. i thought it would be better if they found out later so there wouldn't be too many debates on the subjects. i know they won't totally agree, in fact i don't know what you think. once my mom said she has nothing against the couples who move in together before marriage because of the same reason;so that they can know eachother better, before making the big step. ok, it's easy for her to say that as long as she is not implicated in such a situation. i have to admit, i'm quite afraid of the moment when we'll tell them we want to move in together. i often think about this and i start imagining all sort of things, and i really don't know what to believe anymore... well,i really hope you and your boyfriend will successfully move in together without any family conflicts! lots of good luck!!!! and keep your fingers crossed for me too!!!
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Mar 07
WOW four years at 18!! That's amazing. I don't see why your parents would have a problem with that. Maybe you should get engaged. I've been thinking about doing that first so at least there's the promise of getting married behind you.
• Romania
8 Mar 07
well, it's almost like we're engaged. we've already talked about marriage a zillion times i think, but not with my parents anyway.... and there would be another problem from my parents' point of view:he's 25...not a problem for me though...:)
• Romania
8 Mar 07
oh...i forgot to mention that we've been together for almost 4 years now....:D
1 person likes this