Siblings and responsibility to aging parent
@magicalmerlin (1623)
March 29, 2007 8:01am CST
I am one of four children (now all middle-aged) and our mother lives alone. She manages very well despite her failing eyesight. I am the only sibling still happily married - the others are all divorced (that is a discussion for a different day). One brother (the eldest child) lives about 1.5 hours drive away and visits on his 3 daughters' birthdays to spend about 1/2 hour with mum. I have offered to let him stay overnight so that he does not have to rush back the same day. He cannot remember to phone her once a week.
One brother lives about 10 mins from her, works full time and sees her every Friday and does the heavy jobs or phoning people. He never takes her round his house (he does have one to himself not just a rented room or something) or makes her a meal.
My twin sister has 3 girls (2 teenagers and one about 10) she lives about 5 mins from mum (nearer than I do). She only works 4 days a week and the girls spend a lot of time with their father. She does have a house to run. She only goes to see mum for about 15 mins a week and does not even make her a cup of tea. She does not phone in between but has taken mum in two meals to heat up since I last moaned at her.
I visit mum for 2 hours on a Tuesday morning to clean the house and 4 hours on a Wednesday to take her shopping, pay bills, do accounts, deliver prescriptions, go to bank, do some gardening, have lunch with her so she can have something other than a packet meal, order her more meals and check she is ok. She comes to us fortnightly on a Sunday for lunch and tea. I do some extra shopping and get her Spoken word books from the library on other days.
Please can I have your suggestions on how (as they apparently can't see it for themselves) I may get them to think of her more and do more for her before it is too late. She will be 81 in April. If I take more on myself will they do less? If I pester them will they just suggest putting her in a home? I think that would break her heart.
Where is their sense of duty? It makes me so sad that they don't just see the need for themselves.
Out of sight out of mind I suppose.
What do you think please?
1 person likes this
6 responses
@SachseMom (448)
• United States
30 Mar 07
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with everything yourself. You will not be able to make your siblings help you. I have a brother that never comes around and helps me with our mom and dad. My dad is in and out of the hospital these past 3 yrs, he's had 2 strokes and it's all on me and my husband. My little brother lives in Austin and he comes and tries to help but he's a EMT so he's always working and it's hard for him to take time off. I have to drive my mom every where because she's scared to drive in teh Dallas traffic and my dad can't drive anymore. So, it's all on me and I don't understand why my brother can't come and see them, take my mom shopping or bring over some food himself. I'm in the same boat so I can't offer any advice just some understanding. I glad that you are able to help your mother and I know that she is very grateful. Just do what you can and your siblings will have to deal with themsleves when your mother isn't around anymore. It's hard but I will continue to help my parents and raise my own children and take care of my own family because I don't want them to be without, they took such good care of me when I was growing up and I'm not going to put my dad in a home! He belongs at home!
2 people like this
@gapeach65 (805)
• United States
30 Mar 07
Unfortunately, you can't make them help. Being that I just lost my mom, I can tell you that you should just continue what you're doing and know that your mom appreciates what you're doing for her. You will definitely appreciate all the time you have spent with your mom. I was fortunate enough to spend a lot of time with my mom. She didn't live far from me. She didn't like us (my sisters, and my daughter)taking too much time away from our families, so I made my visits during the week, while everyone was at school. The last 2 months mom was with us, she was in the hospital and I spent every day with her. I shared so much with her and her with me. I will never forget that time and I know she's smiling on me for being there for her so much. So, just take your time with her and make it special, find out things that no one else knows and share it with your siblings, they might take an interest and realize that they're missing out on her life. Good luck, you'll be in my thoughts, as will your mom.
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
30 Mar 07
You're a good child and you should be proud of that. Let's put it this way: When your mom is gone, you will have no regrets because you loved her as much as you could. Your siblings, well... they'll probably have regrets.
I understand how you feel because in my case I also find myself the only one trying to really take care of my parents. I have 5 siblings and most of them are just trying to use or take advantage of our parents even in their old age. That's very pathetic.
@mrsbrian (1949)
• United States
30 Mar 07
Isnt it a sad world when we cant take time from our busy lefe to tend to our parents.I understand not everyone had the best relationship with there parents,but come on did they not feed and cloth you when you were little and unable to care for yourself? I just lost my mother in december so now i have nothing to remember but the time I spent with her and i cherish every moment.
I also would have a meeting with the family about splitting up the chores,or maby just spending some time with her,even the grandkids could help out i know my daughter loved to spend time with her and do little things for her.I wish you all the best in getting thru to them as they dont seem to know what they have and wont know untill she is gone.
1 person likes this
@domesticengineer (576)
• Philippines
30 Mar 07
I can understand your situation right now. Your mother deserves caring from all her children. Especially now that she's really old and starting to have illnesses. Well, my grandmother right now is bed ridden and my uncle who is separated is the one staying with her. My mother makes it a point to always visit her every weekend since we live an hour and a half from her. My mom and all her other siblings would contact each other when my grandma would be hospitalized and they would take turns in staying in the hospital to be with her during the confinement. I would suggest that you voice out your concerns to your brothers and sisters regarding your mother. Every single problem can be solved when communication has given way.
1 person likes this
@rtacerado (23)
• Philippines
30 Mar 07
Almost a year ago we found out that our mum has colon cancer. After a few days she was operated and was admitted to the hospital. And since I am the youngest, and didn't have work at that time, my siblings thought that I should take care of our mum. It was never a problem with me, but after a few months of taking care of her alone and earning nothing, I just thought that we should all do our part and take turns in taking care of her so I can also have some rest or work and earn something for myself. But since all my four sisters have jobs, and three of them have families to take care of too, and I didn't have the courage to tell them what I feel, I thought I didn't have any choice. I love my mum so much and I love taking care of her but I also get tired sometimes... She turned 61 last Dec. 12, 2006 but passed away last January 6, 2007. On that day I was very sad thinking that I will never have the chance to take care of her again but I was at the same time relieved knowing that her sufferings has ended. She will never be in pain again and I know that she's with the lord right now. My mum was a very good person, a great mother and my best friend.. And if I can turn back time, I'd go back to the time when she was not yet ill and spend more time with her and I'd also tell my sisters to do the same because the time you spent together will never be enough when she has to "retire" already. You are lucky to still have your mum right now, and if you can spend more time with her, do so. You can also try talking to your siblings but you should not expect them to do what you think is right. I'm really not sure if I helped you in any way by telling you my story but I hope I made you realize a few things.have a good life ahead...
1 person likes this
@magicalmerlin (1623)
•
30 Mar 07
Thank you for taking the time to answer my question as your first post and for sharing your story with us. It has helped to 'air' my frustrations.
Thank you all for your comments. I will reread them when feeling down and know that you are thinking of me.
