When is enough, enough?
By Gemmygirl1
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
Australia
April 2, 2007 2:08am CST
Ok, i don't want anyone to get snappy with me so please read the whole thing before commenting so you understand my situation - PLEASE!
Basically, my hubby's family just keep having babies, more & more without much consideration on how they're going to pay for them, clothe them or anything like that.
Between 2 of my sister in laws it's the worst - they seem to be in constant competition - who's been pregnant more, who has more kids by what age & so on. I think this is very immature & feel sad for the new arrivals - as well as the kids they already have (& honestly, already couldn't afford). Both my SIL's are 21 - 1 is about to have baby #3 & the other #4.
Basically, come holidays, we're broke - last Xmas we had 5 nieces to buy for which was hard - kids are expensive & i refuse to buy the cheapy brands of things coz they're dangerous & break too easily - this coming Xmas, we'll have 8 (9 if you include my daughter).
Not to mention that all these kids (including my own daughter) have b'days within the first 6 months of the year (1 lot is a double b'day - twins).
How can we get away with holiday/b'day gifts cheaper?
Will these In Laws ever understand that it's not a competition & they're only making things harder on themselves, their current kids & the rest of the family?
Is it wrong, to not buy gifts for all of them?
Would it be wrong to just not buy gifts?
HELP, i'm sick of always being short on cash because there's another b'day every 2-4 weeks. Any advise here would be great, thank you!
9 people like this
30 responses
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
2 Apr 07
If your SIL can't afford their children, then maybe it would be a relief to them if you suggest that you draw names of the chldren you buy for. Put all the kids names in. I would suggest that you have the kids draw the name of another child. This way, if you have 2 kids, you are buying 2 gifts, but if they have 3 kids, they are buying 3 gifts. Tell them that you like to be able to get each of them a nice gift for their birthdays and Christmas is too hard with all the kids. You have to remember the reason for Christmas also...it's not all about the gifts.
If you want to get each child a gift, you could do the name pick and buy that child a gift for whatever set amount you come up with and then buy each of the other kids a small gift from like the dollar store. Kids love stuff from the Dollar store and this way you are buying for everyone.
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
3 Apr 07
I like the dollar stores too - however, i am always iffy on buying things from there as they just break too quickly.
I know Christmas has lots of other meanings & although we're together as a family, i think most of the little ones are too young to understand anything except the gift side of things.
Plus, if you're talking religion - that's not my place to say coz no-one on my partner's side of the family is religious at all.
Thank you :)
1 person likes this
@atramesil (685)
• United States
2 Apr 07
I concur, sounds like a gift draw is the way to go here. Plus I realy like the idea of having the kids do the drawing, and then the picking out to if they are of an age to do so. Helps to get them thinking of others instead of just themselves. I additionally I would put a cost limit on the gift. With careful shopping you can get something that will be appreciated and be safe. Also remember it is supposed to be the thought that counts not the gift. One of the best presents I ever received was a hand written coupon that intitled me and a friend of my choice to go see a movie complete with drinks and popcorn. It was sent to me by a sibling who had fallen on extremely hard times and had no money to buy anything for me. He remembered my birthday though. I never did cash in the coupon and after 25 years I still have it in my memory box. All the old toys, clothes, electronics and books are gone, but the coupon still remains and I treasure it.
@Swtrose (3385)
• Canada
3 Apr 07
I think that both your sister in laws need to understand that you and your husband just cannot afford it. Especially when you have your own children to buy for. If you feel guilty about not buying, perhaps you could buy something for each family that will be beneficial to the entire family.
@SheliaLee (2736)
• United States
3 Apr 07
I think you hit the nail right on the head. That is an excellent idea.
1 person likes this
@missybal (4490)
• United States
3 Apr 07
Yeah we have one of those in my family... they are dirt poor and they have 5 kids. They can't afford a car so they constantly want rides. They get food stamps but buy all expensive pre made stuff that they quickly run out of and need money for food. Every Christmas they can't buy gifts for their own kids and look to us to buy them all for them. They complain they can't buy cloths for them and are constantly asking for money. Really my mom tried like heck to get them to stop at two. She said they had a boy and a girl and that is just right. But no. My Aunt wanted more. She didn't want to work at all. I don't even know why she wanted them all. As soon as they were no longer babies she lost interest in them. Well we all stopped spending the big bucks on them. They get nothing but toys and clothing that is from yard sales. My mom just buys them there because they ruin everything they have anyways. I suggest you do the same thing. When they are babies it's easy because so many people sell things that are for babies at yard sales and they look brand new because they got so much that they couldn't even use them before the kid grew out of them.
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
3 Apr 07
It's hard to explain coz technically they're not dirt poor - the problem is, they are raughting (spelling?) the government system - to the SIL getting a single parent payment for the 3 current kids which will soon be more when the 4th comes (we also get a $4000 baby bonus when a baby is born) & then my BIL works full time - the problem with them is that they spend the money on unnecessary things & then they have nothing left for the stuff they really do need.
For example - they got my 4yr old niece a $500 motorised quad-bike for Xmas - she didn't need it, my BIL bought a car for himself - he doesn't even have a license so he doesn't need it. They're just so wasteful & the poor kids suffer - i think i just feel so bad for them & honestly - if i could raise one of them myself so she could have a better life - not meaning more love or anything but be provided for better with the material things she needs - i would.
I will have to start looking for yard sales around the place - thank you, i hadn't thought to do that (i'm more for buying new things) but i think if they need clothes etc & i can get them cheap & pre loved but in good condition, then that could help my situatio a lot.
Thank you, you've been very helpful :)
1 person likes this
@sarah22 (3979)
• United States
4 Apr 07
thats so sad. they should be fixed..... kids are a joy and not to have out of competetion. my hubbie has a cousin like that, she has 2 beutiful boys, neither living with her and now we found out she is pregnant again and they all have different dads. she keeps them until they start to cral and talk them she dose not want them. this is so sad that people do things like this.
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
11 Apr 07
My brother in law reckons he'll get the snip after his baby is born & then my other sister in law says she's having a historectomy coz 3 girls is enough for her - fir us though, it's more of a case of - we'll believe it when they can prove it's been done!
To their advantage - the actual sister in law has the same father for all 3 & the brother in law is father 3 of his own with the oldest being someone else's but he's been there since about 3 months gestation so she may as well be his anyway!
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
2 Apr 07
You need to explain to them that you can't afford to buy presents for so many children. Try doing a gift draw, or something. Just because they're having children doesn't mean you have to pay out big bucks for gifts.
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
3 Apr 07
The gift draw does sound like a good idea. I like the idea of that & might give it a thought!
We did suggest a set amount per family - however, there's not guarantee that if we spent $40 on the family with 4 kids, that same family could afford to spend the same $40 on our daughter.
1 person likes this
@astromama (1221)
• United States
18 Apr 07
What we did in our family for Christmas (would work for birthdays,too) is we would write down every kids name on a piece of paper and put it in a hat. then you write a list with all the kids names on it. for example, your daughter's name could be first on the list. You would draw out of the hat for her and write that child's name down, so on that child's birthday she gets a gift from Lilli. This way every child gets one gift on their birthday or Christmas from a cousin and you only have to buy gifts per number of kids YOU have. The parents with four kids have to draw four names. Why should you have to shell out a bunch of money when THEY are the ones choosing to have a bunch of kids? It worked in our family, as my mom and dad both came from families of 5, so I had more than a dozen cousins on each side. To buy a gift for each of their birthdays and Christmas is unthinkable. On Christmas I would get one gift from the cousin who drew my name. The price per gift can be set at what is affordable for everyone. Maybe a $10 limit or something?
1 person likes this
@cbaumann (2)
• United States
3 Apr 07
I can surely agree and sympathize with you here, my soon to be ex-sister-in-law done the exact same thing, having children she couldnt afford. As far as advice thats ahard one, we always just bit the bullet and bought for them because it wasnt there fault they were born in this situation, we just made sure they got 1 outfit and 1 small toy seems like alot but maybe one when they are all grown they will remember you for what you done for them.
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
3 Apr 07
Yeah we did the 1 outfit & 1 toy each Xmas just gone but i think i just feel bad for the little ones & want to get them more coz i know their parents cant.
However, getting 5 kids an outfit & toy each last year was costly - i think we ended up spending close to $20 per child ($10 on an outfit & $10 on a toy) so there's $100 - then this year it'd be $160 coz there will be the 3 new additions (due in a couple months).
I think i just feel guilty about having bought all these great things for my own daughter & those kids having parents that cant do the same - so i spend more than i need to just to see them happy!
Thanks for the thoughts though, i might have to just try & spend less on both the outfit & toy - that could work.
Thanks heaps, Kel :)
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
2 Apr 07
They sound like they are Mormoms or Cathlic but I would sugest on Christmas with such a big family that you draw names that way you dont have to spend so much on each one and buy one gift that wont brake so easyly. Thats my 2 cents worth
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
3 Apr 07
Nah, they're not religious at all, i would like to do the draw out a name thing - at least give it a try.
We have even tried to spend a set limit per family (rather than per child) but to get them something they'll like & is of decent quality we're looking at about $15 per child - ok i could manage that but - that means the family of 4 would then have to spend that same $60 on my daughter & they cant afford to do it.
I might try that names in a hat thing though - thanks :)
1 person likes this
@ScrappinHappyMom (914)
• United States
2 Apr 07
I guess I am a little confused since when is three children over breeding? My mother had three children by the time she was 25. Everyone in my family had at least 2 children by the time they were 25. You don't know what their family plan is maybe they wanted to have their children young. And as for their fincial situation I say as long as someone isn't asking me for money to help them then how they do or don't spend their money is none of my business.
As for gifts buy cheap. They are small children they don't care if the toy came from Wal-mart or Toys'r'us. I set a limit on all my neices and nephews, 9 total, at $10.00 a kid for Christmas and birthdays. Everyone gets a cute little something that reminds them that Auntie and Uncle love them.
You should think of it from your SIL's point also you aren't they only one shelling out the bucks at a holiday SIL #1; 5 kids + 3 of hers = 8 just like you see how it works, everyone spends money it isn't just you.
If it is just you because they can't afford gifts then you should for sure cut your gift budget way back that could be embarrassing for them.
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
3 Apr 07
I didn't mean 3 children is over breeding but it's different when you have 3 children by 25 - not 3 or 4 children by 21. Also, it's fine to have kids at whatever age you want - as long as you can afford them & don't just keep having them for the money or to have more than someone else in the family does - the competition thing i mentioned.
You have to understand, we get MONEY for having children here in Oz now - governments fault for encouraging it (we have an aging population) but still - you currently get $4000 per child.
I might just try cutting back my budget, i think i just feel guilty if i dont get them really nice things, coz i know they don't get them or because i know all the great things i went out & bought for my daughter.
I feel bad for these kids & maybe i just wanna fix it. I dunno, i do appreciate your input though, THANKS!
1 person likes this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
3 Apr 07
in stead of buying the kids a gift, why not buy the a family some thing that will be of use to them all. like gift certificates to McDonald's. Wendy's or some other family restaurant, and let them have lunch on Auntie. While I agree with you about them being irresponsible it is in fact none of our business, As long as they are not on your door step looking for hand outs, don't worry about them. Also you do not have to explain why you are giving family gifts rather than individual persons. . At least this is an idea. and one for you to consider.
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
3 Apr 07
To you it might not seem to be anyone elses business how many kids others have but when they're family & you know the kids are needing help coz they parents aren't responsible enough to provide for them - then you do your best to help.
I don't give family gifts - we do inface do individual gifts which is why it's so costly.
1 person likes this
@stacy624 (2776)
• Canada
2 Apr 07
Hey there Gemmygirl1 Well that doesnt sound very good, I mean I have No sisters but do have 7 wonderful children, But that was becuase I in my heart really wanted this many why? is beyound me but anyhow as far as gifts are concerns I can see what you are saying. For myself I tend to use layaway, Look on the internet for deals ect but thats becuase they are my kids =) in your case I think your family during the Chirstmas Holidays ect should get together and Pull names out of a hat! That way you only get a child or sister-inlaw ect that you can focus and not spend a whole lot of money. For B-day's you can just have the kids make a gift card ect, I mean that is more meaningful anyways right? comes from the heart and who cares what anyone has to think, It sounds like you are putting your family needs 1st which is the MOST IMPORTANT! I wish you all the best and hope that any I had to say helps in one way or another
Good Luck to you
Stacy
1 person likes this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
3 Apr 07
Thanks for your advise stacy624, i always make sure my daughter has everything first - when she's a little older i might start with crafty cards etc but some of them are a little young to understand some things - like, don't put that in your mouth!!!
I do use lay-by - layaway sometimes, it just depends what's around. I think my main problem is that when the best time to get clothes etc - we're in the wrong season! I might go with the names in a hate idea, it cant hurt to try just once, right?
Thank you :)
1 person likes this
@dlkuku (1935)
• United States
2 Apr 07
I agree with you, when someone can't afford to take care of them, that is unfair to the children.
As for Christmas gifts, why don't you talk to your family, and have a drawing. Put all the children's names in a hat and have each child draw a name, of course the parent's will have to draw the names for those too little, but then you will only have to buy a present for the child your child picked, and each child gets one present.
We did this when our family got too large, with 16 children, nephews and nieces and my own, it just got too expensive to buy for everyone. This way you can afford to buy one quality present instead of buying cheaper to make your dollars stretch for a bunch of kids.
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
3 Apr 07
I think i could manage maybe 2 gifts but this year will be 8 which will be the killer. I might at least give that hat thing a shot & see how we go.
I did try & set family limits but it's hard to set a lowish limit for a family with 4 kids & then have them be able to match that amount for my daughter - they don't have the money!
I'll bring these suggestions up next time i see them,
Thank you :)
1 person likes this
@mickidmw (992)
• United States
2 Apr 07
I am so sorry for you AND the children they are bringing into the world! Is it a religious thing or are they just that stupid??? Either way it is NOT OK!! Have you tried maybe making things, it would be a lot cheaper for you! If you sew or chrochet you can get the supplies on sale or clearanced out items. eBay is also a cheap alternative. I really do feel for you and the SIL's need to be force fed birth control! GOod luck!
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
3 Apr 07
Honestly, i think they're just stupid - it's the whole competition that gets to me the most though.
The younger SIL who is having her 4th is only having a 4th coz she wanted 3 pregnancies & when she had twins the 2nd time around, it only counted as 1 :( Very sad.
I think i might make it harder on myself though, knowing they're always broke i think i spend more than i need to because i know they don't get the nice things i buy for my own daughter.
Thanks for your input though, much appreciated :)
1 person likes this
@Woodpigeon (3710)
• Ireland
14 Apr 07
It seems as though you understand what is motivating these girls to have children and that is very sad. It is also commendible of you to put funding these immature women's children's childhoods at the expense of your own family. With all those children, and you wanting to buy the safer (and more expensive) option, it must add up.
If I were you I would try to pull back on the gift buying. I think you have to for the sake of your own family.
@chiquita1977 (1706)
• United States
3 Apr 07
i have the same problem in my husbands family we usally draw names and thats who we buy for for christmas and for birthdays we just usally get them something cheap.you should not have to be broke because people decide to have big families.i agree people should not keep on having kids if they cant afford them.
1 person likes this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
2 Apr 07
Why are you buying gifts?
In your shoes I wouldn't buy gifts. I might buy one item that they can all play with or use, but I wouldn't be shopping for 20 other kids as individuals.There is no need for you to explain your position other than to say you can't spend your money that way, you have other priorities. Those parents with all those kids can make do with what they are getting from other places very easily, apparently.
There is nothing wrong with only buying on gift for all of them, once a year. Make it the Christmas gift and one that they all must share. If you don't take this stance, then they will be asking you for MONEY soon because they cannot possibly support the kids comfortably and the know that you are willing to GIVE them things for those kids. It is time for you to put your foot down and make their gift budget $20.00 for the year. Maybe that little message will slow down all the births! They will realize they can't rely on others to provide things for all those kids!
1 person likes this
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
2 Apr 07
I think I have to agree with the others here when they say a gift draw is the way to go. With such a huge family it's really the only way to go.
As well, with the kids doing the drawing (or some of them at least,) they're getting involved too.
I think also, a limit should be placed on how much to spend on a gift, because as much as you say the cheap stuff breaks easily (which I agree with) you obviously can't go spending a fortune, because you'll end up spending just as much as you did before.
I wish you luck.
1 person likes this
@Erinlpx (179)
• United States
2 Apr 07
Our family do Christmas/birthdays as immediate family only. When I moved to America (all my family are in Australia), but mutual agreement we all decided to cut me from the gift loop. That way I don't have to worry about sending gifts home, and they don't have to worry about sending me gifts.
I don't think I've ever received a present from an Aunt or an Uncle - ever. Our family is massive, scattered, and it's impossible to get everyone together for things like that, so a gift-draw wouldn't work.
I've never once felt deprived though. It's not that big of a deal - but I'm one of those people that don't consider gifts a big deal.
If you're really feeling that you want to do something though - I'd do the gift draw.
1 person likes this
@SheliaLee (2736)
• United States
2 Apr 07
I agree with the others who have responded to this discussion. When my nieces and nephews on my husband's side of the family were all younger we drew names. We were like you at first buying for all the little ones, but as more came along it became a financial hardship on everyone. Thankfully my two sisters-in-law were in agreement with this. My husband's brother wasn't married at the time. He got married a few years ago and has a little girl now. Since she is the baby we all usually get her something and my mother-in-law and that is it because her husband passed away a just before the baby niece was born. If we have the extra money we will buy a gift for each family (each sister and brother). That way it isn't such a hardship on anyone.
1 person likes this
@sharma_boy1986 (58)
• India
3 Apr 07
i my view u should have acted much earlier ,ok having kids is one of the ways to keep ur family alive and that surely is the natural way god wants to run the world around but having two kids in these times is more than enough and why want more if u got nothing to give then,see every soul u bring into this world has its own whims and wishes and i surely think u must not
promise someone something which u cannot fulfill ur kids are young they have small demands but when the grow up they gonna have big ones so stop it there and then simpally tell ur husband u r not ready anymore and the amount of pain the mother has to bear to give birt to a child is wat the father would never experience be bold and tell ur inlaws
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