Why the nice guy is single and lonely, and the bad boy gets the girl
April 3, 2007 1:01am CST
Or at least, why so many seem to see it that way. So many nice guys think it's a cause-effect correllation - IE "I'm nice, therefore no girls notice me". Let me explain why it happens. First of all: to the nice guys. It's good to be nice. Really, it is. It might not seem to get you anywhere, but the truth is, girls do appreciate a guy who cares about them, who tells them they are beautiful. Who opens the door for her. Who shows her his innermost feelings, who listens, who cares how she feels. Now, the bad boys. Bad boys. They are, of many things, unafraid to go for the girl they want. They will stand up for themselves. They are stubborn. They don't really seem to care that much. They don't listen. They don't try to help her with issues she might be having. He doesn't care too much about her dreams. Why does the bad boy do so well? Simple. Mostly because of the first thing I listed: HE IS UNAFRAID TO GO FOR THE GIRL HE WANTS. The fact that he will stand up for himself is another major reason. Many nice guys simply bend to the will of others, especially the girl in his life, because he wants to avoid confrontation or because he wants her to be happy above literally everything else. I post this as a man who is not a nice guy or a bad boy. I guess some might say I'm a bit of both. See, here is the list of mistakes the NICE GUY tends to make: He is afraid to ask a girl out/afraid of rejection. He will change who he is in order to please her. He will give up his God, his dreams, his hopes, his friends, and his family, if it means pleasing her. He is often emotionally high-maintenance. He will often let her run her life. He often comes off as overbearing. He tends to get jealous easily. He often comes off as dependent upon her. He NEEDS her. He overdoes it with the compliments to the point that they become meaningless. He pretends that she has no flaws even when he knows she is flawed. He tends to eschew masculinity, and equate it with being a jerk. He is obsessed with the idea that he is "not like every other guy out there". He thinks that she is the only one who will ever be "the one". He will drop everything, no matter how important, for her slightest little issue, no matter how minor. He gives her his heart too quickly. He will say "I don't know, what do you want to do?". And then, when it all works against him, he will blame HER for it. Sound nice to you? Yeah, me neither. Not all of these are BAD things when taken to a minor level - IE if you are addicted to smoking or alcohol, it is perfectly okay to change yourself for her by beating the addiction. However, if you like action movies or punk rock, don't stop watching action movies or listening to punk just because SHE doesn't like them. Be who you are. In comes the secret of the jerk - the reason the bad boy is desired. He is in demand. He doesn't need her. He knows that if she says no, another girl will say yes. He doesn't deny her flaws. He doesn't give up his own interests because of what his girlfriend thinks. He doesn't just give away his heart so easily. He doesn't treat her like she's perfect, because she's not. He doesn't NEED your kiss, your hug, your compliments for the benefit of his own self-esteem. He's a little rough around the edges. He's masculine. Above all, he SHOWS CONFIDENCE. Nice guys, are you thinking in your mind of minds right now, "well, why should I change myself? Why should I be any different than I am now? I want to be loved for who I am". Problem is, we are ALWAYS changing. We are never staying the same - we change every second of the day. We're either growing and improving/changing for the better, or we're not learning from our experiences and changing for the worse, or not changing what needs to be changed. You are both the sculptor and the sculpture. God ultimately has the final say on the final outcome, but He never forbade us from changing. In fact, often in the Bible God tells us different ways in which we should change. A guy can be a GOOD guy, still be nice, without being what we call a "nice guy", which basically means wimpy guy. It is GOOD to: -Go for her. Be confident. Ask her out. -Go for her because you WANT her, not because you NEED her. -Don't be needy. -Keep your own interests, even if they aren't her favorite things in the world. -If she comes crying to you, don't try to fix what's making her cry. Put your arms around her, and give her your shoulder (or chest, if you're tall/she's short) to cry on. Sometimes, a good cry is all that's needed to make a person feel better. -Don't give your heart to her so quickly. The book of Proverbs says, "above all, protect your heart". Your heart is GOD's, first and foremost. Don't try to take it away from God to give to her. -If you are in the wrong, be a man and admit it. If you are not in the wrong, but she insists that you are, don't give in and say you're wrong just to avoid confrontation with her. -Don't get into an "I don't know, what do you wanna do" war with her. If she doesn't know what choice to make regarding where to go on a date, or any other issue that affects both of you, it's not only perfectly okay, but encouraged, for YOU to make the decision. She wants you to take the lead. Do it. -Do not pretend she doesn't have flaws. She knows she has them, and if you deny them, while secretly agreeing with her, she won't take you seriously. Acknowledge and accept the flaws she has, and accept her, flaws and all. -If you like a girl, but she won't go out with you or seems uninterested: move on. Don't be so stuck on the idea of her being "the one". You might let your future wife pass you by while you're pining away over this girl. -Don't buy her affections, EVER If she is interested, she will be interested whether you spend $20 on the gift or $2000. If her interest level changes with the monetary figure, it's because she sees an opportunity to use you for what you can buy her. -Don't be afraid to share your innermost feelings. However, don't make such a habit of it that your relationship turns into the Oprah Winfrey show. BALANCE is key. -Don't smother her with your emotions without even knowing whether or not she's ready. Give her the opportunity to let you know how SHE feels about you. -Do not treat her as if she is better than yourself. Then again, do not treat her as if she is WORSE than you either - treat her as your equal, because in God's eyes, that's what she is! ---------- I could go on all night about this, but sleep needs its place in my life, too. It all boils down to one basic principle: be you. But be the most CONFIDENT you that you can be. Don't be afraid to change something about yourself, but don't feel like you HAVE to either. Be a guy who just happens to be nice, but don't be so nice that it becomes your entire personality. The word "gentleman" has two parts: GENTLE, and MAN. Remember that.
2 people like this
3 Apr 07
Yes it is true and you wonder why most of the nice guys cannot get a girl and yet the bad guys seem to always end up with the girl they think that they want be they certainly do not care about her feelings they only think about themselves. I do think that you are right though that balance is the key in any relationship whether it be new or a long time relationship this is what we all have to learn for a resulationship to work out for everyone. Thank you for your discussion and I will be giving you an a + for your discussion I could not fault it any where it was fantastic and please have a great night.
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Apr 07
This was a very good post and I do agree with many of the statements that you made about both the nice guy and the bad boy. I do not agree with all of the comments but many of the ones you stated do seem to be true, especially for me. I know that I have been rejected numerous times and it definitely hurts. It makes me hesitant to approach a woman. When a woman does seem interested in me, they never return my phone calls or answer the call or reply to my emails. I would like to know why women can not change and be the ones going after the guy they want. Why does it have to be the guy always going after the woman? It seems to me that both genders should make changes.
• United States
4 Apr 07
I love this post. It really rings true. I know I am not a guy, but I have known a few, and am the mother of one. Guys are the other half of the human race. You seem to have given some very good thought to this. Girls could look at some of the advice and recognize some of the games we play, too. I am not saying that we necessarily play games because we want to, sometimes we have been taught to. Here is to more honesty all the way around, and good guys that do not necessarily finish last.