Should I keep trying or give up?
By sunshine4
@sunshine4 (8703)
United States
May 1, 2007 9:48am CST
Many of you know that my 18 yr old moved out of our house and moved in with his girlfriend who has stated that she has no respect for me and thinks I am a b*tch. Well, I have been thinking about this alot. My son hardly ever comes home unless his girlfriend is working. It is like he has to sneak over here. I have tried to make amense with her a couple of times. The first time I found them a nice dining room table. I called my sons cell and he didn't answer and it doesn't have voice mail, so I decided I would call the girlfriends cell and tell her about the table. She answered, I said Hi and she hung up on me. I tried to call back and she answered and hung up. I thought that she might then turn off her phone, so I called again to try and leave a message. She hung up again and then texted me 'Remember, I'm a wh*re". I never called her this, so I really don't know where that came from. I didn't try again. Later that evening my husband ran into my son and told him what had happened. My son said that I shouldn't have called the girlfriend~ I shouldn't have bothered her. My husband then told my son that I had found them this table and if he isn't going to answer his phone, there is no way to get in touch with them. I was very upset as I was trying to be nice to both of them and got this bad treatment.
Well, I cooled off and about a week later decided to try another nice gesture. My daughter and I went for groceries and I bought my son a few items to help out. I knew that my son was working (he works nights) so I thought that I would leave them on their porch for them. As I got in front of the house, the girlfriend was coming out of the house with some friends and got into my sons car. I didn't want to have her be nasty to me so I drove on. I planned on bringing the groceries back later. About 2 minutes later I received another text saying "please stay off my street". I was once again really mad. I told my son that I had some groceries for him but she didn't want me on the street so we just kept them for ourselves.
If my son ends up with this girl, I don't want to have him be in the middle of this situation. I have always been very close to my son and this is heartbreaking to me. I am thinking of calling him and inviting both of them over for dinner on Sunday. The only thing about it is my 6 yr old is terrified of the girlfriend as she was swearing at my daughter the last time she was in my house. I know that the girlfriend has a lot of growing up to do. I would like to make my son feel comfortable coming home anytime and I think that the only way this will happen is if she comes too. I would be nice to her is she came over. What do you think about this?
5 people like this
18 responses
@songbirdnaimh (1422)
• United States
6 May 07
Wow....unfortunately I think your son is going to have to learn the hard way. He will eventually see this girl for who she really is and take the blinders off. There is no happy ending here and I think you may just have to wait it out.
I have no clue what I'd do in this situation. She is totally out of control and disrespectful. Good luck to you.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
6 May 07
Today is actually judgement day around here. I have decided that I can forgive this young girl for treating me badly~ after all, she might end up being a big part of my sons life. I have invited them over for dinner tonight and my son said that they will come. Now, if they actually both show up I will be surprised. If they do, I hope that we can get threw this being civil and start to get a tolerable relationship going.
@mom_of_2 (398)
• Canada
4 May 07
Holy smokes. That kind of behaviour is just simply unexceptable. You are a very strong woman to be able to be treated this way.
All I can offer you for advice is this...never give up on your son, sounds like one day he will need you. Do not let her intimidate you. She has no control of who drives down "her street". Talk to your son often. Keep telling him everytime she is disrespectful but at the same time try to sound supportive of his relationship. Don't be the "mother in law" she is trying to make you out to be. That's just proving her right. Obviously she wants to drive a wedge between you and your son. I'm sure one day soon he will wake up and see that she is very controlling and manipulative, and when he does he will be thankful he has you to lean on for support.
I remember one time I dated a real loser and my mom flat out told me "you marry him, and I WILL NOT attend the wedding"For my mom to talk to me that way I knew I had to make some changes..lol. I'm not saying you should take that approach but I have heard that arsnic is hard to trace ;) Just kidding of coarse.
Take care
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
4 May 07
Thank you for your comments. You have given me such great advice on this subject. I did end up inviting them for dinner this weekend and now it is in their court. My son said he would ask her and get back to me. I really don't plan on them coming, but if they do, I plan to be just as friendly to her as to my son. My big question now is if he will come over on mothers day. I am not going to mention it to him, but will be devistated if he doens't.
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
2 May 07
this is just my opinion, but I think you should back off and leave them alone, because no matter what you do it will be wrong, and you will be accused of interfering, I would make one statement to you son, The door is always open, when ever you want to come over, and leave it at that, There is nothing you can do to his controlling girlfriend, so do not even go there, I am sure if you son soon sees what he has hooked up with, and is trying to support, will all to soon show her true colors and the color is me, its all about me. Just be available when it all goes down the tubes, and rest assured it will, no 18 year old has the stamina to put with this for long, particularly when she is so controlling,, and you have given him an option it is not like he has no place to go.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
2 May 07
Thank you for your words of advice. I hope that my son knows that he is always welcome home. I will tell him that.
@wachit14 (3595)
• United States
2 May 07
You have a difficult situation on your hands. From how you describe this girl, it sounds as if she is emotionally unstable, and your son has become her enabler. You can rest assured you've done nothing wrong. No dinner will solve this problem. If you son intends to stay in this relationship, he needs to understand that his girl needs counseling (he could probably use some too because he needs to know why he wants to be a relationship with this girl).
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
2 May 07
After reading everyones comments, I tend to agree that there will be no solving this problem soon. I am hoping that my son will soon see this girl for what she is. It would be great if they both got counseiling and resolved their problems. Life would be much happier.
@charlestchan (1415)
• Malaysia
2 May 07
hello sunshine.. i totally disagree if you want to treat his girlfriend good if they come over... first.. she has no respect for you for calling you b*tch.. i know every mother does love their children.. who doesn't anyway? but.. come to think of it.. did your son love you as much as you love him? if he really care for you.. he wouldn't be with that girl anymore right? ... i don't know whether i'm right to think this way.. as i know mother is the greatest lady on earth.. i know you're willing to sacrifice.. and do anything as long as he's happy..you know.. i really pity you that you have ot bear with such situation.. i feel heartsick for you.. i can't imagine if one day my son treat me the same .. as a father.. of course i also will hope that my son is doing great right? ... it's up to you to judge.. if you think this sacrifices is worthy.. then .. go for it ...
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
2 May 07
I think that at 18 years old my son is not thinking with his head. I know he respects me and when his girlfriend was in my face and called me a b*tch, he grabbed her away from me. That showed me something, but it did break my heart that he left with her. I know I have to cut the cord sometime and that time has arrived.
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
2 May 07
Oh, I will never buy her any gift again. Last Christmas I spent over $300 on her and treated her as if she were one of my children. I guess I was thinking that the dining room table and groceries were mostly for my son,but looking back they would be a gift to her.
@Foxxee (3651)
• United States
1 May 07
That girl needs a reality check or something. I don't understand why she has to be so cold to you. I would somehow, try to get a message to her and let her know that you never called her a "blank" and that you want to try to work things out so everyone can work together and let her also know that this is your last time trying to make things right. She can take it or leave it. If she doesn't want to make things right with you, then so be it. Stop bending over backwards for them.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
2 May 07
Thanks for your advice. I was thinking this would be my last attemp to get them back as part of our family.
@ScrappinHappyMom (914)
• United States
1 May 07
Okay I guess I will be alone on the other side of the fence.
I don't think the issue is really between you and the girlfriend it is between you and your son.
Your son should have enough love and respect for you his mother to tell this girl(child) to treat you with dignity and respect. If my son ever had a girlfriend who talked to me like that and he did nothing but tell me I was in the wrong (calling her on her cell phone because I had a gift for them) I would cry my heart out and write him off.
He needs to stand up to this girl and let her know that you are important to him and he will not put up with her treating you this way. Obviously he or someone said something to her about you and things you may or may not have said during the break-up and she has hurt feelings. And being as immature as she is she doesn't know how to deal with it in an adult manner.
I will tell you one thing for sure I would stop trying get on her good side with loving gifts and thoughtful acts. Neither one of them appreciate it, the table for instance was a perfect chance for your son to stand up and say my parents are trying to do something really nice for us you need to stop being such brat. Instead though he turned it around on you shame on him.
Save your money when you see something they would like put it in the bank and take you and your hubby on nice vacation.
I wish you the best of luck in this situation and I am sorry that it seems it is going to be heartache for yor.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
1 May 07
I am glad to hear someone else say that my son should have told this girl that she should respect me. I think that this is the most hurtful part of this whole situation. When my son does come over here, he always tells me he loves me and is trying to work things out, but it is still such a heartbreaking situation. Thanks for your advice.
@aretha (2538)
• United States
1 May 07
WOW! i am sorry you have to deal with this and i pray i don't ever have to but as i learned growing up mom is always right. i can't remember one time my mom wasn't. so he maybe with him now but it won't last forever. i do think you should try at least one more time. tell your son you would like them to come over for dinner and that you will treat her as one of the family. if it fails i would tell him that you need to talk and just tell him you have tried and it upsets you that she can't act her age and let everyone be happy. you sound like you have been close to your son and i think he would understand and i don't think he will do it forever. give him time he will see that this girl is crazy! i think it will work out. she needs to grow up alot. my in-laws and i don't care for each other but we all get along for the most part because of my husband and if she can't then he will get tired of it. i think your doing the right thing. good luck
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
2 May 07
Thanks Aretha. My inlaws and I don't get along very well either, but we do respect each other and are friendly when together. We just have very different views on life in genera. My husband says that he will see how the girlfriend is after living with her 24/7 for a few months. It is just very hard not to worry about your children no matter what their age.
@awonderfullife (2893)
• United States
1 May 07
You absolutely need to clear the air with her. Obviously she thinks you called her a wh*re. Where would she get that from? I'm surprised your son is wth a girl who treats you this way-- could you talk to him alone first and then try to have them both over? It's almost impossible for you to maintain a good relationship with your son if your can't get along with his woman. I would do anything possible to try to reslove things. Hope it works out for you all!
(((hugs))
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
2 May 07
I have tried to talk to my son and he keeps telling me that he is trying to get her to come around. He knows that I didn't call her any names. I agree that it will be impossible to have any relationship with my son if his girlfriend and I don't get along. This is why I am trying to straighten this out.
@paulsy (1263)
• Philippines
1 May 07
I think you are such a good mother. You remind me a lot of my mom who cares and remembers the needs of her children, no matter how distant they may be. Don't give up. Whenever she sends you messages that you know very well may just hurt your feelings, don't even read them. just delete them right away. Continue doing the things you feel like doing for your son, if it makes you happy. Don't let her immaturity turn you off or change your great and unconditional motherly love for your son. It's a mother's great happiness to give to her children, even when they don't realize or show their gratitude to her every single time. I am a mother too, and I know how you feel. Just think of it this way, someday, things will change. God can see all the things that you do, and he will grant you the happiness you yearn for as a mother. Either your son will give up on her and come back to you completely or he will demand her to change her attitude towards you. Just keep on being patient as you are now, and continue loving your son as you always do. God bless you, beautiful mother and all mothers like you!
1 person likes this
@cuteyasoi17 (155)
• Philippines
2 May 07
oh, whatever it is that you are wanting in life u have to go for it and keep trying, dont ever give up..always get ur hopes up even if things turn out differently than u imagined
1 person likes this
@PunkyMcPunk (1477)
• Canada
1 May 07
Wow, that was such a sad story. I am sorry that you are having to go through this. My son is 4 years old. I would hate to think that when he grows up I would lose contact with him over a girl....
That being said, you seem to have tried a lot. There is trying and then there is bending over backwards.
I think this girl is insecure with herself and her relaitonship with your son. She probably seems to think that she needs to ahve him all to herself and doesn't want you to try to steal him away on her. I do feel sorry for her. She will need time to grow up but in most cases people like this won't grow out of it. This lack of confidence will fester and get worse.
You should not try to cut off seeing your son or doing things with and for him. Why not make a day to go and see him, call him and make sure he has no plans. Or just drop by when he should be home and say you've stopped by for a coffee. If she is there and gets angry, it is his home too and I'm assuming that he is paying half the bills so he can have guests.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
1 May 07
I have stopped by when I knew that she wouldnt' be there. His sister and brothers miss him, so we stopped by to visit. I thought it be best to go when she isn't around to avoid any scenes. I believe that he is paying more than 1/2 of the rent as he works full time and she only works weekends at pizza hut. She has the perfect situation~ drives his car, lives with him, he sleeps most of the day and works all night while she is doing who knows what. I am very bitter about this and have to find a way to get over it.
@evelynlyp (788)
• Japan
2 May 07
My my she is the one who's the b*tch. Most disrespectful. Swearing at his sister too? I mean what has the kid done to her? If I were in your place, I'll tell your son a few things about life and so on. Then its his own choice. Sooner or later he will realise she was the biggest mistake of his life. I wouldn't bother being nice to her, you'll only make her look down on you more. Stop trying too hard, I believe she will find you pathetic and she will love tormenting you more.
You best ignore her and leave your son to figure things out on his own. He's only 18. When he's more mature, he will not want her for a girlfriend. However be sure to explain to him why she is not a good choice before you let him have his life with her.
I'm sure one day she will wake up and regret her life. So many girls who are like her did by the time they turn 26 or so.
I hope they don't have any children together. She wouldn't make a fit mother.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
2 May 07
That is one of the biggest fears we have...them having children. She comes from a mother who has 5 kids with 4 different fathers. Her mother has told her to find guys with money, have a baby, then she can live on the child support. We had hopes that she wouldn't turn out like her mother, but it looks like she is starting to walk in her mothers shoes.
@TriciaW (2441)
• United States
1 May 07
I remember you talking about her and honestly you have already done so much. I can hear you are getting more frustrated with each move you make. Perhaps it is time for dad to step in and tell your son that he will not tolerate you being treated like this. If you other chidren are afraid of her then I myself would not put them through anymore. If your son wants to play an adult then you has to start acting like one. She is very controling and for what ever reason he is going along with it. I know it is hard as a mom to let them learn from their own mistakes but you can't continue to hit your head against the wall and not expect it to bleed. If you wait believe me he will call you. Right now he is trying to passify both of you and he isn't doing it very well. Give him time to see the real her. Right now he is focusing on keep peace with her because of you. Trust me in time he will see her for what she is and you will come out smelling like a rose. Maybe to keep in contact you can send him cards in the mail. Just letting him know you love him. Do not give her anymore amoy to throw at you though. He will see her for what she is soon enough. She sounds like a drama queen and if she can't raise drama over you there will be something else. He will tire of it soon. Keep your head up and keep us updated. Sending you lots of hugs.
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
1 May 07
Thank you for your wise words of kindness. It is very hard to let this go. When it all started we said that we would just wait it out and let him realize what she really is like. It is great to hear advice from an impartial person.
@Impervious (1147)
• United States
1 May 07
My dear that is a rough situation. I would deal with it by means of a frontal assault for lack of a better term. By which I mean I would show up at the appartment while they are both there. Then Once the girlfriend is done acting like a fool I would simply say look, I don't want this to continue you whatever I may have said that hurt you I am sorry. And I want to stop fighting.
This way you and your son and his girlfriend know exactly what was said. The trick here is not to let the girlfriend get under your skin.
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
1 May 07
That is the trick for sure. We had the girlfriend live with us for 9 months and I treated her like my own daughter. Then they had a falling out and everything went to pot....then back together and she started with this attitude. Confrontation may be the only choice I have if they don't want to come over and be civil. Thanks for your advice.
@mflower2053 (3223)
• United States
1 May 07
Sorry to hear that she is acting this way towards you. I do think its a good idea for you to invite them over for dinner. Tell your son you really would like a relationship with him and his girlfriend. I also think that you might want to find someone else if you can to watch your daughter during this time just in case the girlfriend acts crazy. I do think that your trying to push yourself in alittle too much. I know your just trying to help but before you can help you need to have a relationship with the girlfriend. So it is a bad idea for you to buy groceries for them or tell them about a table. She may think that your babying your son and saying she doesn't do enough for him. When she gets there hopefully she will come. Make sure you set everything up through your son. Let her know that you love your son very much and you want to be a part of their lives. You never called her any names and sorry if you think that you did. Tell her you would like for you and her to have a relationship and if she ever thinks that you are over stepping your bountries to let you know. I know its hard to let go of your son but I know you would rather see him then push him away. Hope this helps Good luck. Let us know what happens.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
1 May 07
Thank you for your comments. It is always nice to hear from someone who is impartial on the situation. It is a great idea to have my daughter away when and if they come for dinner. I guess I didn't see helping them with the table and groceries as pushing. When my son had me over to see his house, they had only ketchup in the frig. I was really trying to be helpful. Thanks again for your advice.
@PsychoDude (2013)
• Netherlands
1 May 07
Usually I'd say there's always 2 sides to the story, but as she also went shouting at your 6 year old there's probably something else going on. It appears she might have a bit of a temper problem, now of course I haven't seen the other posts you've made about this but still.
Rather than trying it again I would first say just try talking to your son about it. And not over the phone but invite him over to your place, if that'll work that is. How you say how he nearly needs to sneak out it seams like she is king of the castle over there, but still it might be good to try.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
1 May 07
I do try to talk to my son when he is around. I ask him if he is happy living with this tension between them and his family. He always says that he is trying to get this fixed.
