I Decided to Refuse The Guy !!! Am I Wrong ?

India
May 11, 2007 4:45am CST
This is the incident of a few weeks ago, here I just want to know what do you think about it? The marriage proposal came through one of my relatives. In our culture mariages are usually arrenged by guardians. My guardians told me that the guy works in a multinational company, he has his parents and one elder brother, but the guy works in another state staying away from home. After the proposal, a date has been fixed for us to meet. It was decided that the boy will come with his mother to meet me. As per the arrengement I went with my father and a relative to a restaurant in that particular date in the evening to meet them. But, the guy came alone and told us that suddenly his mother got sick, so he came alone to meet me. I and that boy sit in a room to talk with each other. The guy was very smart and handsome. He also has the capacity to speak well. We started talking and talked for a long time in several topics. Suddenly the guy initiate the topic of affiars. He first asked me about my affairs, and I told him that I had no such affairs. Then He started his story.... He said he had a very long affairs with a girl from his schoold days (for 9 years), before a few months, she went away leaving him. He said "I was very shocked at first and decided not to trust the whole women class ever." He also told me that after that incident, he was very very upset and depressed for 3 days. After that he decided to remove the girl from his mind and seriously concentrated on studies and as a result of that incident,he is working in a reputed post now. Then he said now, he has decided to marry to fulfil his mother's desire and to please his mother and he has not a least desire to see the girl he is going to marry. The boy said he is ready to marry any girl if his mother approves her and he will marry her without meeting of seeing before marriage. He said that he decided not to see me before marriage, but his mother told my mother that he will come to meet me, so he is here, just to keep his mother's words and prestige, otherwise he would not meet me. In our whole 3 hours discussion, he repeated that he is here with me is purely for keeping his mother's words, otherwise he decided not to meet the girl he would marry. He told these to me at least three times in our whole discussion. Now friends, do you think it is normal for a smart and handsome guy to marry a girl without the least desire to see her before marriage ? It seemed to me that he still remembers his old love and not mentally ready to accept a new relationship, so he is not interested to meet his life partner before marriage. He also said that he is very busy with his job and he stayed outside home, in 20-25 days per month for officeial duties, so I have to leave alone at that time.. He told me that he has a lots of friends. He used to pass a long time with his friends, and he is not ready to reduce the time he passes with friedns for his new life partner. After reading this discussion, what you think my myLot friends, is it right for me to choose that person as my life partner ? I want your honest responses. I just want to know your thought and views. If anyone thinks I am worng, please write me, I am waiting to hear from you. If any one of you thinks I am right, then also support me by writing !
4 people like this
8 responses
• Philippines
15 May 07
You get married with someone and get yourself commited to someone for the rest of your life because you love the person and you want to be in the marriage. There should be no other reason for that. It's just right that you refused, knowing that he did just that to appease his mother. Of course you want to appease his mother too - but we don't want that to be at the expense of your eternal unhappiness with a man who understandably may not love you at all. You're giving yourself and him a favor by not agreeing to a marriage both of you know is not bound by mutual love for each other. In a way you're giving him a chance to find someone who'll love him and make him happy.
3 people like this
• India
16 May 07
I also think that if I not marry him, both of us will get a chance to have a right person for ourselves. And the man should not marry till he forgets his past lover. What do you think?
2 people like this
• Philippines
16 May 07
Yeah, you're right about that. If he marries, he's not only risking you having an unhappy marriage but he's risking himself having to ask himself why he didn't pursue his true love forever. Unless he's gotten over it, the memories of his past lover will haunt him for the rest of his life if he marries for the wrong reasons.
3 people like this
@hollowheart (1572)
• India
19 May 07
Hi SUDESHNA, i am with u and would say that u were right to reject the guy. Yes he might have quality, but only quality is not what is required. Afterall it is a tie up of two lives and not a product being purchased from the market. i do agree and appreciate that he told the truth and did not hide it as many people do. U must make sure that the person u marry is of real value in understanding, loving, caring and also catering to happiness as much as possible. I know its tough but i am sure ur marriage would be a real success. Look for honesty. yes honesty is really important however the real quality should be added with it.
2 people like this
• India
20 May 07
Hi hollowheart! thank yu for the reponse and support. Right you are that marriage is not like buying something good from the market. It is a question of living the whole life with someone. If he could not accept me mentally I will not be happy with him.
1 person likes this
• India
21 May 07
sUDESHNA, u r welcome. u can ask me anything u feel like. i will try to help u at all steps.
1 person likes this
@worthy (2413)
• India
16 May 07
Is he getting married or his mother? Its ridiculous.Sudeshna,my friend,I think he is not serious about marriage at the moment.Even if he is,then his attitude is very discourteous towards you.He is making you feel as if he is going to do some sort of a favour by marrying you.You take your time,talk with your parents and then decide.All the best!!
2 people like this
• India
16 May 07
Right you are. As he is upset and mentally not prepared ro accept a new girl in his life, so he is speaking in such a way. I even asked him, that, if you had no such past love, is it still you reluctant to see your would be wife? He replied "I do not know , May be". I can assume from his words, that it is his past love, for which he is noo interested to see even the face of the lady he will marry!
1 person likes this
• Australia
14 May 07
Hello sudeshnna22 I think you are right, my should you accept that man, fine maybe he is smart and handsome. But he can really love a girl i guess. He don't want have any commitment with any other girl. Maybe because his past, but i guess something wrong with him. Just forget him, a lot of smart and handsome man out there. Do you think there is weird if he is smart and handsome but didn't have any girl friend. God bless you $angel$ http://beautycosmetic.blogspot.com http://planetmobilephone.blogspot.com
• India
15 May 07
I have not developed any soft feelings for that person. It was just one meeting with him. But the problem is my family specialy my father considers him as good for me because of his good job and family background.
2 people like this
@cheenlly (3483)
• Philippines
11 May 07
i think you did the right thing. Marriage is very sacred and it should be bind by love. Both should have it. What he wanted is very conditional and it shouldnt be like that. It sounds so selfish too. I know he was badly hurt and its not smart to decide to marry someone he doesnt even like to meet in person before the marriage and to someone he dont love. Though im not saying theres no possibility of falling in love but how, if he dont let himself let go of the past. i think if you pursue it, the marriage will not work out. Both well be unhappy and perhaps regret it in the end. So i guess you made the right decision. Hope that guy realize that and find his happiness. Godbless
• India
13 May 07
I agree with you, I think the guy should only decide to marry when he will completely come out of his past shock. Starting a relationship like marriage should not be done to please some one else (as here he wanted to make his mother happy!) I also wish him good luck and hope he comes out of his bad past quickly, but he should goes for marriage only when he forgets his past. What do you think?
1 person likes this
@psyche49f (2511)
• Philippines
11 May 07
You're right for not accepting that uh, marriage proposal...the guy is brilliant alright, be he is not a good husband material as he is still haunted by a past relationship and could not care who the girl he will marry. He just met you just to please his mother...repeat, his mother, not him who is interested in getting married. Another thing, he seems to be very busy with his job and his friends...does not even want to adjust his schedule in case he ties the knot with a spouse forever. Marriage is for keeps; I guess this guy is not for you, and you were doing yourself a big favor by refusing the marriage proposal which did not really come from the heart.
• India
11 May 07
Thank you for encouraging me. I also thought that the guy is marrying to make his mother happy, he is not marrying for his own happiness. What should be the basis of arrenged marriages? What should be in the mind of people who is going to marry by the arrengement of guardians ? I think there should be an willing mind to understand the life-partner. What do you think?
1 person likes this
@deebomb (15322)
• United States
12 May 07
I think you will have a very misserable and lonely life with this man. He is telling you this upfront. He will be gone for work for 20-25 days per month. He will bs spending much time with his friends. When will he be spending time with you/ As I see it there isn't any time left to spend with you. I think you will be miserable with this man. Please let your father know what he said and do not marry him.
• India
13 May 07
I also think so, that the man will neglect me after marriage, he will make himself busy with his work and friend circle. But the problem is that my father is not understanding the matter. He thinks, as the boy belongs to a good family, so once he will marry me, he will never negelect me. My father also considers the boy as some one very honest, as he told me about his past relationship. Any suggestion, please, how do I make my father understand?
1 person likes this
@deebomb (15322)
• United States
13 May 07
Would it be possible to meet with the young man the same way you did the first time and tape record him saying what he has already said.
• India
15 May 07
Thank you again! but it is not possible to mmet him again, and specially the tape recording of speech? no , not possible.
1 person likes this
@sunny5u (2072)
• India
20 May 07
Hi,if u r confidence on urself then u don't choose that person as a life partner,u will get better guys than him,like a software engineer and handsome guys also as per your culture,I know u will not take a wrong decision of your life.Be confident that you will a get a better guy than him.Many,guys are there with a good character.So,believe in god and then take a right step,from when we meet in mylot i had observed you,that believes me you will not take a wrong decision,this is your life.Life long,so take a good step.ALL THE BEST FOR YOUR LIFE.
• India
22 May 07
Thank you for the support and appreciation sunny.