Shoot me now!! Summer vacation starts today.

@Erilyn (3020)
United States
May 25, 2007 9:09am CST
Today starts summer vacation. While this is not all that bad, the problem comes in when my 14 year old daughter wants to go to my parents for the summer. She and I have been fighting and arguing about it for the last week. I have very valid resons for not letting her go down there. I haven't discussed them with her because I just don't know how to approach it with her. When I was her age my step father raped me. So needless to say I have a hard time with her going down there at all, let alone for the summer. I am not sure how to let her see my point of view without distroying her entire world. I think she is old enough to know what happened, yet I don't know how to say it to her. Any suggestions would be very helpful. I know in a couple of hours when she gets home its going to start all over again.
4 people like this
16 responses
@emeraldisle (13146)
• United States
25 May 07
Oh I feel for you with this, believe me I do. I think though you'll need to sit down and talk with her about it. At 14 she's old enough to understand at least the basics. You need to let her know why you don't want her spending time there when she'd be alone with him for such long periods since the grandmother wouldn't be there while she's working. She might not want to hear it or believe it, just to warn you especially if she idolizes him at all, but you need to stress to her that it happened and you are not about to put her into the same situation where it could happen to her. You are being a good parent in keeping her safe. If worse comes to worse tell her if she tries to go you'll call the cops and have her reported as a run away. I would suggest before having the talk with her you call your mother and make sure she knows you do not want your daughter spending the summer there with her. That there isn't room for debate on the subject.
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
25 May 07
She doens't think there is an issue. But then again she lives in denial land. And I did tell my daughter that if she leaves that would be exactly what I do. She got home from school an hour ago and I triedto talk to her about it, she got angry and went into her room and slammed the door. I am going to wait for her to calm down before i try again.
3 people like this
@emeraldisle (13146)
• United States
25 May 07
Yeah trying to talk with her when she is angry isn't always good. Waiting till she can talk calmly is best. Maybe you can ask her why she is so adament about staying there. Perhaps there is something going on in her life that she doesn't want to deal with and is afraid she'll have to if she stays home?
3 people like this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
25 May 07
After getting the mail today I know why, she got summer school. Oh just shoot me now. I know i couldn't have been this much trouble when i was a teenager, if I was I wouldn't have survived my teen years.
3 people like this
• India
25 May 07
I think you should tell your daughter the truth. It may be difficult now but in the long run you will be protecting your daughter. She will realise that there are real creeps out there and that she needs to be careful. If it's difficult to come out and say that he actually raped you,you could say that he made a pass at you or molested you or something, though I think it would be best if you just told her the truth. One way of easing into the topic is by watching a movie that deals with this subject together (I saw Volvo recently which dealt with this)or you could watch a tape of one of those talk shows like Oprah. It is time your daughter came to realise the kind of man your step father is, she's certainly old enough to deal with the truth and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Tell her the truth.
3 people like this
• India
25 May 07
And keep her away from your step father.
3 people like this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
25 May 07
That's a good point. It might be a good way to break the ice. I have also seen the move "B@stard out of Carolina" which may also be a good one. If I could get her to read a book, "When Rabbit Howls" would be good also. These were all things that I was told in therapy would help me. It's not that I have a problem talking about what happened to me it's just I have a hard time talking about it to her. I have kept her away from him unless it has been completely supervised, usually by me. And i hadn't planned on lying to her about it, there would be no reason to.
2 people like this
• India
26 May 07
Good luck for your chat, I'll be praying for you. God bless.
2 people like this
@wmaharper (2316)
• United States
25 May 07
Erilyn, wow this is a hard situation. I suppose, If I were in a similar situation, i wouldn't go into much detail, but I would tell her, WHen I was your age, something horrible happened to me, and one of your grandparents were involved, I don't want that same thing to happen to you, so I will not allow you to go there unsupervised. I would simply tell her, I will not budge on this issue, regardless of how many times you ask, because I simply cannot, FOr your safety, I cannot allow you to go see them w/out me being there. It's not that they are horrible people, but I do not want you to have to face the same thing I did. I hope you understand, but even if you do not, it does not matter, you will not be going. then if she continues to ask, tell her that if she brings it up again, she will be grounded from the interenent (or phone or whatever). Then try and help her find some fun things and plan some activities that you can do as a family during the summmer. A suggestion, have your kids write down fun, free (or inexpensive) things they'd like to do, have each of them write down a few ideas, you and the hubby do the same, throw them in a hat, each week pick a new one and do that on the weekend. It will help her be more excited about staying home, especially if she gets to do one of her ideas, and who knows, maybe it'll help build a stronger family too! Good luck to you and your family!
3 people like this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
25 May 07
We normally have a good summer, but this year are too far away for her to spend a day out with my mom, my mom used to pick her up on occaision and spend the day with her going to lunch, shopping etc. Which was fine when we lived in the same city. Now my mom would have to drive 6 hours to spend a few hours with her then drive back. I have tried telling her it was for her own safety, but she doesn't understand why. We usually plan out the summer, differnet things we will do on different weekends. She thinks I just don't want her gone for the summer. I tried telling her that my mom wouldn't be ther ewith her becasue of work, and they wouldn't be able to go do anything together. She is just so hardheaded sometimes.
3 people like this
@wmaharper (2316)
• United States
25 May 07
maybe, if your mom can afford it, you can have your mom spend a few weekends at yOUr home. That way your daughter still gets to see her, but you don't have to worry about your daughter getting hurt. If it boils down to it, you may have to tell your daughter what happend, I would try to be as vauge as possible initially, but she may press you for more info, and if she does, you may have to tell her, just so she understands where you are coming from. I hope it all works out for you!
3 people like this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
25 May 07
Thank you, my mother can't afford to do that though, she works 2 jobs to support him. He doens't work, hasn't in years. I had though of that myself when the whole thing first started with my daughter. Hopfully it will all blow over soon though, if not we may have to have that talk.
2 people like this
@sidoney (1033)
• Jamaica
25 May 07
I must say this is a hard one but you do know that you can't let her go near him I know I was scared when my mother said that she was oing to let my sister live with her father as i know what kind of a monster he his I hate to see these discussion in my lot as it just makes my head ache can you handle letting her know what happened if so let her know if you can prevent her from going then thats good but if telling her is the way you see out then do so maybe you can tell her that he tried to rape you or he touched you if you don't want to be totally honest and if it will get her from wanting to go there I pray to god I never have a female child I have a son and worry with tthe increase guy population but would not be able to deal with my daughter going through anything I went through "_" I really don't have much trust for men I don't even think I would trust my bf with his own daughter
3 people like this
• United States
25 May 07
Tell her what happened to you. Maybe then she will have a better understanding of why you don't want her to go. Tell her you are just trying to protect her from what has happened to you in the past. As for you not know how to tell her- there is no easy way of telling your daughter you were raped it is horrible that that has happened. But she really does need to know the reason why you don't want her to go.
3 people like this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
25 May 07
I tried talking to her when she got home from school today, She screamed at me went to her room and slammed her door, I am going to try again later. It's no easier for me to tell her then it is for her to hear apperantly.
2 people like this
• United States
25 May 07
I hope she eases off about it for you so you don't have to go into details of why you don't want her to go. I'm ready for the summer vacation to start but ours doesn't start for another two weeks. I take care of teacher's children and when school is out for the summer then I am off. I don't really have any suggestions for you because I've never been in that same spot. But I hope everything turns out good for you and that she quits fighting with you about it.
3 people like this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
25 May 07
Thank you. This has never been this big of an issue before. It may have been though becasue we always lived close enough to my parents so that she could still spend time with her grandmother. My mother would take her out for lunch and that kind of stuff, she would spend the day wioth her and come home. I normally look forward to summer because we normally have fun together and do a lot of things together.
2 people like this
@umitcicek (464)
• Turkey
25 May 07
What a good news for you.I still have two weeks for vacation.The worse thing is that my vacation takes only one week since I have to start my summer practise this summer.I'll go to south of Turkey,Antalya for the vacation.I'll go to pubs at nights and beaches in mornings.I've missed the summer time.
• India
26 May 07
Hello! Have you read beyond the title of this post?
2 people like this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
29 May 07
This is the second one makeitcount that didn't read beyond the title of the post. Why people do that is beyond me. It's so fusterating isn't it?
1 person likes this
@rapolu_cs (1184)
• India
26 May 07
I think you must dare to tell he the reason for your not letting her to go to your mothers place,but i feel the situation your facing is veryu tough and you have to be very carefull and ask or request her to spend her vacations in another exciting way wher you please help her,if you thing that it is not the right age to tell about your past you had. But i think it os beeter to let her know about your past. Anyways all the best.
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
29 May 07
I have been trying to talk to her about it, she has been angry every time I have tried. She has summer school, so she won't be going anywhere this summer. So I have pleanty of time to discuss this with her.
1 person likes this
@sensesfail (2251)
• India
26 May 07
oh my thats bad.First off, i'm sorry for what had happened when you were around her age.Thats something that should never happen to a 14 year old. If you're gonna tell her about what happened its gonna hurt her feeling very bad cuz she likes being your parent'.So i suggest that you give her an alternate excuse for her to not spend the summer there. But anyhow,do you think your step dad would still do something like that again now that he should be quite old enough?If yes,sending her there would definitely be a problem.
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
29 May 07
Well she won't be going because she got summer school. I still am going to talk to her about it though. It's not something that's going to be easy for me to talk about with her. He is 50 now, but thats beside the point, at any age he would still pose a threat as far as I am concerned.
1 person likes this
@Sherry12 (2475)
• United States
26 May 07
I think at 14 she is really old enough to know what happened. I'd probably tell her the whole thing, you have no reason to protect your step-father after what he did. And, you'll probably have to tell her someday anyway, because if she has children you wouldn't want her to unknowingly let them stay there. Start by telling her that it is hard for you to talk about but she needs to know the reason that she can't go alone. This is only my opinion, and I've never been in this situation. I thought maybe the more opinions will help you make your decision on how to handle it.
2 people like this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
29 May 07
I am not protecting him at all but I can see how it would look that way. I explained in a previous comment i made about my mother. I have been trying to talk to her, however she has gotten angry about it and walked away. She will know about what happened, it's not an issue I really want to push though. Now she has summer school so she won't be going anyway.
1 person likes this
@jamie11982 (1662)
• United States
26 May 07
Look i know how hard this is to tell her. You need to tell her what happened to you. Set her down and tell her that you need her to listen to you. Not to talk but to just listen and hear what you have to say. Then tell her the reason why you don't want her to go to your mother's house for the summer is because of what happened to you at that age. Tell her all about it and don't skip any of the details. I know that it's going to hurt to tell her but trust me once it's out and all is said and done then you can tell her that she can think about it and let you know if she still wants to take that risk. Now the other thing is don't forget to let her ask any questions that she has to ask that will help you and her feel a little better about this. Let it still be her choice but make sure that you tell her this that way she don't see it as all of what you want. This will show her that you care about her side of it all as well. This is a very hard topic to discuss with anyone i know. I was molested when i was younger so i know how you are feeling. do what ever you can to have her see your point in the matter at had and how much it hurt you to have had this done at such a younge age. If you start crying don't stop talking and let her know how much it still hurts to this day the feelings and the anger and all of the rest of the emoutions that fallow.
2 people like this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
29 May 07
I have tried talking to her the last few days and she has gotten angry and walked away. I don't want to push the issue with her but I have been trying to tell her. It's not something I really have to push right now because she got summer school so she won't be going anywhere anyway. But she will know soon about it, even if I have to talk to her while she is angry.
1 person likes this
• India
25 May 07
Why do you want to shhot yourself when summer vacation is here.It is the only time when you can be your own boss, no school ansd no teacher, do whatever you feel like doing.Keep awake in the night and sleep throughout the day, no one can blame you.
2 people like this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
25 May 07
I take it by your response that you didn't read the post only the title. I would suggest that you read a post before responding to it. Most people would rate you negitivly for doing that, and possibly report you for going against mylot guidelines.
2 people like this
@craz2max (254)
• United States
26 May 07
I think for your daughters safety you need to set her down and just tell it like it is. Tell her what he did to you and that you don't want anything like that to happen to her because you love her too much to see her hurt. She is old enough to understand so just be straight forward.
1 person likes this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
29 May 07
I have been trying to tell her, she has gotten angry and walked away. I am trying to have a calm discussion with her about it. Since she got summer school, she won't be going anyway.
1 person likes this
@craz2max (254)
• United States
30 May 07
Once she calms down it would be a good idea to try to have the conversation again because she needs to realize that she is at risk of this happening to her too.
1 person likes this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
30 May 07
I have been teaching my kids from a young age that if anyone touches them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable to tell someone immeadtly, no matter who it is. Last night she got some of the background of what happened and her answer was it won't happen to me like that because I know to tell someone. I told her that the point was that I wasn't going to take the chance and put her in a situation like that.
1 person likes this
@jeanbug23 (567)
• Philippines
7 Jun 07
I also had 14-year old twins, both girls,well...it starts the day right, in the middle, a bit of tantrums and at the end of the day, all I can say is forgive me for yelling and shouting all the time on this day. This is the stage where teens have their raging hormones, the stage of being aggresive, impulsive and most of the time, being disobedient. What their parents like, they dislike! What we're fond of, they're unfond of! It's the most disappointing stage where parents want to surrender being parents, but after all, because our children are very dear to us, we need to sacrifice and understand every bit of their attitude. More so, whatever experiences we might have with them, as far as i"m concerned, they, too, will pass that stage with our loving and tender cares.
1 person likes this
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
7 Jun 07
I know that one, having a fit first thing in the morning, and then right before bed. They think they know everything and that we are morons. I cna't wait for her to get normal again. At the rate she is going I may just have to strangle her before she hits 15 lol. My mom always said that she would rather raise 10 boys than one girl and I now understand exactly what she meant!
@miamilady (4924)
• United States
5 Jun 07
I just came across your discussion but I have to leave in a few minutes, so I don't have time to read all the replies. I'm curious though, did you talk to her yet? I'm sure you had a lot of advice telling you that you just need to sit her down and be honest with her. I have a 14 year old daughter too. It is definitely a challenging age. We're at the point where we need to start giving them a little independance but we still want and need to protect them. Take care.
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
5 Jun 07
Yes I did talk to her, and her response to it all was that it would never happen to her. She said that I taught her well enough to know how to protect herself. She said that she wouldn't let anyone touch her inapporpriatly, I tried to tell her that I didn't want to put her in a situation that she could potentially get hurt. She doesn't seem to understand it all I guess.
@psyche49f (2511)
• Philippines
1 Jun 07
Having to deal with teen-age kids is like sailing through very rough seas...your situation is one such example. I am sorry for what happened to you. It has really affected your relationship with your daughter. I understand how you feel about the situation of not allowing her to spend the summer with your parents. But since your situation was different from her situation now, do you think it's "safe" to allow her just for a week to go down there in order to meet her halfway? When you allow her, talk to her, explain to her, give some "house rules", etc. I think your 14 year-old will already understand that what you're doing is just out of concern for her safety. Then, also talk to your parents and express your fears, concerns, worries so that they too can help you resolve the problem....
@Erilyn (3020)
• United States
4 Jun 07
I don't like that fact that no one would be there to supervise her. I am really not comfortable with her being there anyway, esp knowing that she would spend time alone with him. She can't follow rules at home lately, I can't trust that she would else where. My mom thinks that I am worried about nothing, she says that it would never happen. I asked her if she ever thought it would happen the first time, and she didn't say anything about that.