Miscarriage: Coping with Pregnancy Loss

@Swtrose (3399)
Canada
June 4, 2007 9:54am CST
I just read something that has me confused and shaking my head. I really do not understand it. In 1989 I had a ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy is a pregnancy that develops outside a woman's uterus. I grieved afterwards. It was a baby I loss not just some hunk of flesh. Now, I read where someone had a miscarriage and they said it was not a baby they loss. I don't understand for the life of me how anyone could say that. If it is not a baby they loss then what is it? A "Miscarriage" is the term for the natural or accidental termination of a pregnancy at a stage where the the fetus is incapable of surviving. A fetus is a an unborn baby from the eighth week after fertilization until birth. So would it not make sense to say a woman is grieving the loss of her baby? For those of you who miscarried, do you feel that it was a baby that you loss?
4 people like this
11 responses
@kareng (7980)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Whoever said that does not value life. That's sad indeed. Whenever someone loses a baby it is a life and one to be grieved over. That's only natural. Just my thoughts.
@Swtrose (3399)
• Canada
4 Jun 07
Thank you for sharing those thoughts. I could not agree more about the grieving.
3 people like this
@cher913 (25891)
• Canada
4 Jun 07
and it is proven that a baby starts sucking its thumb at 14 weeks! i had a miscarriage in between my two girls and i will be honest with ya, its much harder on you (of course emotionally) but physically as well... and yes, it is a loss...
3 people like this
@Swtrose (3399)
• Canada
4 Jun 07
My sympathy to your loss.
3 people like this
@tinamwhite (3255)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Yes, to me, my miscarriage was a baby...a life that never got the chance to know that it was loved....my miscarriage happened at approximately 10 weeks of gestation....I mourn the day of that loss....I often wonder what this child would have been like...I miscarried between my only daughter and my eldest son...so I wonder whether this child would have been a boy or a girl??? It is a sadness that never leaves a part of my heart.....
@Swtrose (3399)
• Canada
4 Jun 07
I hope that I have not open wounds with my post. I know some women have a hard time talking about their loss. My condolences Tina.
2 people like this
• United States
5 Jun 07
Thank you, my friend....yes, there are times that it is difficult to discuss this...but I know that you empathize with my feelings...and that is why I decided to share them with you.....
2 people like this
@Swtrose (3399)
• Canada
5 Jun 07
Well, I'm glad that you can talk to me.
1 person likes this
@4cuteboys (4102)
• United States
5 Jun 07
I miscarried last year right before I got pregnant with my 4th cute boy. It turned out I had a blighted ovum and the doctor basically said I had no baby. Well I'll have to go ahead and disagree with that. My miscarriage was a baby to me, reguardless of what anyone else had to say. I was really miserable about it. I cried and cried.
2 people like this
@Swtrose (3399)
• Canada
5 Jun 07
I'm so sorry and I have to admit I did not know at first what a blighted ovum miscarriage was.
@4cuteboys (4102)
• United States
5 Jun 07
I didn't know what it was either until I had it. I kept getting ultrasound and blood work( i was spotting), and the blood work was all normal and the ultrasounds just showed an empty sac, it kept growing but no baby was growing. :( I never naturally miscarried and had to have a D/E eventually and that made it worse to me.
1 person likes this
@wolves69 (756)
• United States
5 Jun 07
My wife and I went through two miscarriages. To me, the first one was the hardest. Like you, the first was an ectopic, but the doctor said the baby never developed and would not have survived in the best of circumstances. The event affected her much more then me, and I took it as not being a baby. For me, it was more of a coping mechanism then not being caring. The second miscarriage was just under two months. Five months earlier, we had a baby boy, but her recovery was really slow. Her various blood levels wouldn't come down...Again, I've tried not to think much about it and my "assumed" strength helped her recover quicker. Both hurt deeply, but trying to keep strong and keep the whole family running, was hard enough for her and myself. I don't think I've ever really discussed the miscarriages before but I know she doesn't talk about them at all...at least to me.
1 person likes this
@Swtrose (3399)
• Canada
5 Jun 07
Wolves, I best that it was extremely difficult on you both. My most sincere heartfelt sympathy.
@wolves69 (756)
• United States
6 Jun 07
Thanks Swtrose...I think its harder on her then me....She's a strong person but I just can't help but wonder how much it bothers her. I've asked, but really don't get a response.
1 person likes this
@Swtrose (3399)
• Canada
7 Jun 07
Everyone handles loss differently. Some just don't like to talk about it.
@Ravenladyj (22937)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Yes to me I "lost" my babies (I've had more than one miscarriage)...but some ppl feel its easier to cope by using the word fetus instead...it doesnt make them any less of a person, mother etc..it doesnt make them heartless or uncompassionate...it just means they are human and deal differently to you...I dont see how that could be confusing really...
1 person likes this
@Ciniful (1589)
• Canada
5 Jun 07
Technically, it WASNT a baby. Baby is a term of endearment, not a developmental stage, not a title of growth. I call my husband baby .. it doesn't mean he is one. However, that doesn't change how a woman FEELS about her pregnancy. If the woman is planning on having that child, and is looking forward to it, it's a baby in her mind .. totally and completely. We start assigning roles to them long before they're born .. names, what they'll look like, how they'll be .. you've been there. You know. I've miscarried three times. Twice before I ever managed to carry to term, which was heartbreaking in itself, because I wanted it. I had plans for it, and me .. and the miscarriages took something away from me that I intended lives for. To me, it was a baby ... because that's how I saw it in my mind, because that's what I planned to deliver and hold and care for. In all actuality, it was a fetus .... but it was my baby nonetheless. After my 3rd child, I miscarried once again. I suffer from hypertension, which causes me some issues when pregnancy arises. I gestated to 2 monthes before I lost it. I think by this time I was more numbed to it, but my husband took it very badly. Much worse than I did. My guess would be that the person you speak of simply didn't have an emotional attachment to it yet. It's not cruel, or wrong ... everyone has different ways of dealing with their losses. Some shut themselves off, it makes it easier on them.
@Swtrose (3399)
• Canada
5 Jun 07
I don't know what dictionary you are looking in, but baby is defined as An infant or very young child and a human fetus. My condolences to your loss and thank you for responding to my discussion. I realize that some may have no attachment, I just don't know how they can think of it as just tissue.
• United States
5 Jun 07
what dictionary you look at that say fetus is baby? your own dictionary you make?
1 person likes this
@Swtrose (3399)
• Canada
5 Jun 07
http://dictionary.reference.com/
@brendalee (6083)
• United States
5 Jun 07
I lost my baby at about six to eight weeks. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I just thought stress was messing with my cycle until one day when I started bleeding very badly. It was on January 31st 2002. I will never forget that day. I often think about how things would be if my child was here with me. Yes, I still consider that losing a baby. The stupid doctor showed me. I saw it. It was very tiny but it had what appeared to be arms and legs. I lost a baby. I am also sorry for your loss.
@Swtrose (3399)
• Canada
5 Jun 07
My deepest sympathy to your loss.
4 Jul 07
The baby I lost was very real to me and my husband, and the pain is still very raw for the both of us, he may never get to be a dad, as my 2 much older kids are from my first marriage.
• Canada
4 Jul 07
From the moment the egg and sperm meet I have a baby growing inside me; that is what I believe! I wasn't far along when I had a miscarrage. I grieve to this day! That was 25 years ago! Imagine that! It warms my heart to think of that baby and yet I grieve too!
@eden32 (3976)
• United States
30 Jun 07
I had two miscarriages last year, both happened at 8 weeks. Although I went through a brief period of sadness, I don't think it was in any way comparable to losing a child. I hadn't yet felt movement. I hadn't picked out names or prepared my home for a new child. I wasn't yet bonded or connected, although I was beginning to be. From a purely clinical & physical point of view, it seemed like a heavy period. I'll spare you the TMI details, but there wasn't any thing in what passed that seemed at all like a baby to me. At about the same time I had one of the miscarriages very good friends of mine lost a child shortly after birth. They lost a child. They birthed a daughter, they named her, they had goals & dreams & a future planned for their daughter. To say what I experienced was any thing like what they experienced would be an arrogant overstatement.