Ungrateful relative?

United States
June 28, 2007 11:14am CST
My wife came from the Philippines and I married her in Tokyo where she was working in 1985. My wife has been sending money every two months to support her brother in Negro's OCC as he used to work in Manila but his wife and six daughters live in Sumat in Negros OCC.. My asawa (wife) send many b. boxes...last time we sent three..$100.00 eeach but we have sent several over the years full of food, clothes and personal items. Plus every other months she sends $200 or $300 American dollars..she even bought him a van for $1,000.00 but it was a poor investment as it was junk and he could not afford to maintain it so he just sold it.. The main problem I have with my wife's family is her brother (Bebing) never sends his sister in the U.S. a thank you or any mail. Not a card on her birthday or Christmas and if she did not call him at the place of her daughters work...walking distance from his home..she would never hear from him. He has only a third grade education but his wife has a better education and three of his daughter are married and they can read and write.. Now my wife wants to cut off all the communications and money&boxes..because after years of hearing no "thank you's" she is disgusted...should I write my brother in law? I am a German American and i don't know him..as I only met him once or twice in Manila.. What do you guys think?
2 people like this
14 responses
@tombiz (2039)
• Philippines
29 Jun 07
This is one of the most negative traits some Pinoys have. Some felt that money are just picked up in the streets abroad. What they could not see is the hard work involved to earn those money. Ungratefullness is a trait that should not be tolerated. It will lead mostly to abused of the privelege of being helped.
@juliefaye (1214)
• Philippines
29 Jun 07
It seems to me that part of it should be blame to your wife..she did not teach them how to fish. Many filipinos do that to their families back home because it's our culture to look back with our families and care for them. but it's a sad thing that some take advantage of it, as being parasite. Sometimes its a cause of a breakup between couples who fight because of money sent to relatives. I hope it won't happen to both of you. You're lucky to have a caring wife as she will do the same to you when the time comes. But you should teach those relatives to stand on their own because each of us has our own problem to face and we don't get money on streets..it's the fruit of our harship. It they want a better life then they should work for it.
@juliefaye (1214)
• Philippines
29 Jun 07
p.s. you don't have to write your brother in law..just let them stand on their own.
@juliefaye (1214)
• Philippines
29 Jun 07
The very reason why these brothers, wife, mistress and their baranggays are asking is because your wife is too generous to them. If she will pursue on her plan to buy a house in the province..believe me it will turn out to be a hospicio or a shelter for the whole clan. She's being neglected and i think what they are after are the money she always give. A thank you is not being asked for, it is given wholeheartedly if you appreciate or love the person who shares her blessing. In this case, those relatives are merely a parasite. (forgive my words but i can't find any that suits). I hope that somehow, your wife will be enlightened and focus on things that would benefit to both of you. Good luck my friend!
@Modestah (11192)
• United States
3 Jul 07
you make a good point here. sometimes generosity when it is on going, becomes not a help but a hindrance, when the recipient relies on the gifts to keep coming he ceases to try to make do on his own...the gifts become like a crutch to him. I forgot to state in my original reply that I think that writing your B-n-L would probably be a good idea. Some sort of acknowledgment from him is in order.
@sugarfloss (2140)
• Malaysia
29 Jun 07
it's between your asawa and bebing.let them be.siblings rivalry can be tough.
• United States
29 Jun 07
yes, in the mean time we don't send any balikbayan packages and of course no money as the "root of all evil is the love of money" + I do want my wife to keep visiting her family in Negros..but I told her to leave me out of this! I will stay home in our home in Michigan cause she could visit her brothr and his family on her own. It is hard for her to travel and visit her family with me tagging along. I don't like the hot weather..even in December it is too hot for me..and I prefer A/C ..The last two times that my asawa went to the Philippines she got very sice.. But for me..walang utang na loob..that is all folks.
• United States
29 Jun 07
yes, in the mean time we don't send any balikbayan packages and of course no money as the "root of all evil is the love of money" + I do want my wife to keep visiting her family in Negros..but I told her to leave me out of this! I will stay home in our home in Michigan cause she could visit her brothr and his family on her own. It is hard for her to travel and visit her family with me tagging along. I don't like the hot weather..even in December it is too hot for me..and I prefer A/C ..The last two times that my asawa went to the Philippines she got very sick..had to have her rings cut off her fingers as she was so swollen But for me..walang utang na loob..that is all folks.
• United States
29 Jun 07
P.s. I have a nice vacation planned ...maybe a cruise..so it won't be a total loss..it cost a lot of $$ to fly to the Philippines ..but that is up to her.
• Malaysia
10 Jul 07
I am awed to see how loving you are to your wife. Not many Asian husbands are like this to their wives. Your wife is very lucky to have you. If you want to talk to him, I agree that you do that. But sometimes a man's ego will rise up above wisdom and maybe he would think you are just showing off because you are much better earning than him. I think he is having a very low self-esteem and saying thank you making him feel even lower. I believe he must feel down whenever he received presents from your sister. It's like he couldn't afford anything and your sister is just showing off. This is not the actual thing and your brother knows this as well. But I believe he just feels it that way. I have felt this way too with my other relatives who are earning much better than me. The way they give me presents as if they are so rich and then expect me to say thank you to them. It is so annoying! If somebody wants to give something it must come from the heart and not because you want praise and compliment from somebody who is poor and definitely can't afford those things. This is what I feel, honestly. I think your sister should start thinking about being honest with the gifts. She shouldn't expect a thank you but just let it go. In time her brother would realize that your wife is honest and never wanted anything in return. When the time comes, your brother will learn to appreciate your sister. Have faith. You will see what I said to you. Believe me, I've gone the same thing before.
• Malaysia
10 Jul 07
But... if your wife wants to stop all the money and presents, etc, I think that is a good idea too. Let her brother learn how to appreciate having a sister that good. But I suggest that you don't talk or write to your brother in law, because this might hurt his ego even more.
• United States
10 Jul 07
yes my wife is a kind and generous inday tita but she has given her last gift to her relatives in the Philippines. This is her choice as we are supporting some orphan girls in the PI and they will be getting our money and goods. If you read most of the post that were stated in this forum you would see that is the general consensus. Charity begins at home but "those who will not thank you for little...will not thank you for much" God loves the CHEERFUL GIVER..
@aj2006 (1536)
• Philippines
10 Jul 07
I salute you for being so supportive and kind to your wife. That situation is not rare, I've known a lot of filipina married to foreigner and undergo with the same situation as yours.. I don't have anything against your wife,because I feel that she wants just the best for her family as well, but I blame her for spoiling her brother.Now,that it came to a point that she is enlighted with the fact,that its too much. Support her all the way..You have the right because you are the husband.Do what is right you think is best! God Bless!
• United States
10 Jul 07
I only want to make my wife happy. This is not an easy thing to do as I don't ever deny her the pleasure of sending these boxes of stuff and money..but when her own brother can not or won't send a thank you? well so what if he has only a third grade education..someone in that family ought to let their benefactor "thank YOU" ? I just let my wife decide..if she is hurting..then I am also hurting. If you have read the early post you will see that this is a common problem with all people..not just the Philippines. I don't know what she will do..but she already has cut loose a lot of freeloaders from her Christmas list..lol..You can go to he Philippines in July and people will ask "where is my Christmas gift?:)" well i am sure you have seen this too..but where is ours? lol..Thanks for the kind words..we all know what we must do..always be grateful for big and small blessings..good health to you
@aj2006 (1536)
• Philippines
11 Jul 07
thanks a lot, and continue to be a blessing to everyone. have a great day!
• Philippines
7 Jul 07
I have an indifferent feeling for such people. There are many ungrateful people anywhere. I had been to helping my ex husband's relatives before. They didnt thank me either. Sometimes they would even spread rumors about me and would tell the other relatives that I am not helping them enough. Its like I have an obligation to them. I dont know if the reason behind this attitude is their lack of education or breeding. Sorry, I may sound harsh but that ha sbeen my experience.
• United States
7 Jul 07
sometimes people can be very jealous even when you are helping them out. mothers don't like to see other cousins get ahead in life or show success. The one thing I noticed about these people are they very competetive..even too the point of bragging how many bars of soap send them or cans of corned beef..and of course they prefer LEVI brand or name brand..they check the label and if is not from USA or Japan..but heaven forbid if it says "made in the Philippines." lol.. We buy cheap stuff ourselve..I just went to the neighbor and he was moving so I buy from the garage sale..very good prices. We would send a lot of toys and clothes over plus household good and personal effects..and the prize is appliances! but from now on my wife says she is not going to do this anymore...but we will support orphans and help raise children who have no family..as she knows from personal experience. Yes, education and breeding is probably the cause..plus they learn from example...if you read the answers i got you would see this is a common problem..I just am glad I am on the giving end and do not have to depend on these fair weather relatives..my relatives are not much better but they are a little more knowledgeable in the social graces.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
10 Jul 07
Your point was very true.
@micaella (396)
• Philippines
5 Jul 07
i was been like that to your wife before especially when i was or rather say me, my husband and my kids still there in japan, I got those almost same problem from my family in philippines before. I was been the only daughter in the family but i was the one whose been a breadwinner in the family, even taking all the responsibilities for my big brothers family, I do pay all the bills they consumed in philippines, the school fees for their kids, everything... sending over 60 kilos of kabayan boxes in a months (with lots of groceries inside, new clothes, new stuffs, etc. but when i get back with my kids in Philippines, Im still the one who is bad for them....So before we leave goin back to china and stay - here for good, We, me and my husband, decided to let them realized what was their mistakes and let them face their own responsibilities, to let them stand to their own life, thou im still giving some financial help for my mom, not every months... Now thou i am still thinking of them and worry for them .... Im much more happy now for my life... I hope this would be best way for us, for everyone....I hope i wasn't wrong...
• United States
5 Jul 07
Yes, every reply that i got was agreeing with you. Your letter is the general consensus. People in the Philippines think we just pick the money and goods up that we send them We pick the money off of the street as it is free to us and we don't have to work for it..this is not true. I told my wife not to deprive her or me of the things we need. When she went to visit a half sister who she sent many of these babayan boxes plus money for new teeth etc etc..when Louella visited her half sister ..she could not even offer my wife a glass of water or have toiltet paper when when went to the bathroom or even a banana to eat..my wife said she sent her nephew a lot of clothes and he is a college student and he would not even look at his tito louella just kept quiet and looked at the floor. louella said it looked like they just got done eating in a hurry so they would not have to feed them..as Louella brought with her some people who drove louella to her sisters...it was a horrible experience..but I asked Louella before this happen. Would the people (your family) return the favor to you if you were in trouble? poor? sick? or needed help? These people would steal the money that my wife sent for her aged mother and spend it on themselves and lie and tell Louella the money was lost in the post office..a flood..but Louella got the signed receipt with the half sisters name written on it.. Good luck to you and your family..All the responses were like yours or on the same lines. My family in the states are not the same since my Mother and especcially my father passed away..My Father was the glue that held our family together..Good Luck and May God be with you..
@micaella (396)
• Philippines
6 Jul 07
May GOD BLESS you too friend and to your family, thanks...
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (13336)
• Philippines
29 Jun 07
I think your wife's disgust is just right. It should give him a lesson too if that is the case but then she should explain to his brother that the support will start to cease now that I think he had a very big share of things anymore. The poster above is right partly your wife is to blame since she should have taught her borther to make good use of the money she is sending there. But to no avail it seems that they all were depending on her support. Now i think is not that late to teach them how to fish.
• United States
29 Jun 07
The people in the Philippines have good intentions. and good intentions pave the road to hades. My brother try to start a food business where him and his wife and children sold food to the locals in Sumat.but they don't know how to handle money and soon they spend the venture capital and have no money for supplies..they eat their inventory i guess. Well, Louella my asawa.has ran restaurants and tried to tell them not to spend the money for their business but they don't listen. She even set up a bank account in on of her older neices name but she told her neice.Dabe..not to spend the money on anyting but the buying a big sack of rice from the millar or rice merchant..a months supply..instead Dabe cleaned out the bank account and just blew the money on her husbands family in Cebu... The stories I could tell..but this is just some of them..but I do think the free money ride from the US is soon going to be over.Louella is heartbroken and she will go herself to tell her relatives they should not count on her support as they have to feed their own already huge families... This has been going on for a long time.since 1979 but sooner or later Louella will just get tired of working for these ungrateful people... My own children are 37 year old daughter with three children and a 36 yerar old son and I have cut them off money since they were 18...they did not like it but that was when my child support was finished and they both quit school when they were 16 and now they have to work just like I did..i tried to help them but some people don't know how to help them selves. Martin Luther King said a Man is not a man until he has to be... you are not a man unless you have something worth dying for..Martin Luthern King ..also
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (13336)
• Philippines
29 Jun 07
That is just a very tragic story behind all those years that your wife has been sending her hard earned money. I guess just let your wife do the talking but remain strong behind her. I think you should not meddle in this affair but always be at her side. I know this is a disheartening for her to stop the support given to her family but it should be done for them to learn their lessons.
• Australia
14 Jul 07
As for my view and being a filipino myself and have grown up and know the culture very well. I would ask this question to your wife, if he really felt she was being ignored and if she really feels that her brother doesn't have any feeling of gratitude from her. Some people aren't expressive and don't write letter especially if they don't know much of the English language or let's just say being ignorant. If your wife is the one complaining that her brother is ungrateful then I wont say anything more. She knows better.
• United States
15 Jul 07
My wife had three educated nieces tht have a high school educaton plus their mother is educated. Louella has sent thousand of dollars in money and about the same about in B. Boxes..it is time to stop being Bebing this aide.. Louella will now send money and aide to some orphan children who have not the benefit of a family and not the advanatages her family has had through out the years. Louella will let then fend for thimselves as she has been doing this all her life..I let this matter lie with her..as I cut my children off from aide of money and goods when they were 18...it has made them more self reliant...Sometimes you must force people to do what they must do for themselves..or they depend on your charity instead of working... Yes, Louella knows best..whos is to say who is right or wrong? the person holding the money...that is who..we say not to freeloaders who do not even thank us for the stuff we give..he who will not thank for little will not thank you for much..
@Modestah (11192)
• United States
3 Jul 07
you and your wife are very loving and charitable to have been so generous over the years especially without any regards in return for your sacrifice. perhaps the brother somehow feels it is owed him? maybe he has an idea that it is no big deal for someone in the U.S. to send money - that perhaps it is so very abundant to us here? I do not know, but for certain God is pleased and WILL thank you and your wife for your corporal acts of mercy - even if the brother in law does not write a thank you, maybe he does thank God for you??? God's appreciation is worth so much more anyhow, don't you think? Another thought is that I heard many horror stories about the postal system in the philipines, is it possible he is not getting what is sent, or you are not getting a reply which he has made? too bad he does not have internet access and emails could be used as well as electronic money transfers.
• United States
3 Jul 07
We send the money by wire..and we are given a number and we call bebing and she takes the number to the place in Negros and gets the money..this much he does on his own..but we just sent three big boxes..of food, clothes, and household goods.. so I am sure he is happy..I am not going to miss this money..i would rather give it to my wife family as she still has a lot of gratitude for her brother ..so who am I to say NO..God bless them all
@vonn1378 (706)
• Philippines
29 Jun 07
You should be glad you have a wife like her knows how to love without expecting in return. About your story it is sad to know that the brother of your wife does'nt know how to say even Thank you to her sister. But to be honest your wife is half to be blamed because he allowed his brother to act that way for quite sometime. I reckon you should ask your wife to have a real talk to his brother to settle the problem. Because I think if you write his brother he might misunderstood you since you don't know him well. And for the fact that he did not get enough education to read.
• United States
29 Jun 07
You are right. Edgar aka Bebing is a real tough guy and he was a security agent too and always worked for bosses in Manila..a driver and a body guard too. He was tough looking guy..but so are a lot of people who do this type of work. Philippine police don't fool around when they arrest someone. I know that from watching them work. Security guards are not easy going either. But now he is getting older and wants to live with his asawa..but he don't have many marketable skills. But I guess I will let my asawa figure that one out
@thesia03 (31)
• Philippines
29 Jun 07
im filipina too i think i would feel the same way to maybe you should teach them a lesson dont send them any of those things because they think its ur obligation to give them . no its not ur obligation to give them . they should thank you for being generous to them but they dont think like anyone else. we call it here as (walang utang na loob)
@raijin (10373)
• Philippines
29 Jun 07
I think a call would do, but don't expect that your brother-in-law would understand you much because of the language barrier!;) I think it is because of the so-called strong family ties, some of the relatives here in the Philippines rely too much from their relative(s) abroad.That is one thing that they didn't thought of, maybe because of their lack in good education. But I don't think it is so, maybe they just got overwhelmed at those rations they get from the two of you. As the saying here goes, they tend to be those "One day Millionaires." Who spends all the money without even earning it from their own hardwork, not thinking for their future. Your brother-in-law should make considerations, if he knows that word. Just a simple thank and a little news from him is not such a big responsible for him to do, nevertheless, he might be too naive to notice these simple things.
• Philippines
29 Jun 07
typical filipinos! when a relative is overseas, they tend to be parasites (dependent). your wife is very generous, but she should teach her relative to stand on their own.i guess its fair to stop sending them money and balikbayan boxes. but for me, she should still communicate. no matter what, they're her own blood. i understand your wife is just sharing her blessings, if it did'nt do them any good, it should stop! you're lucky to have her for a wife! god bless!