Help me Improve...I am all Ears!!!

@kamran12 (5555)
Pakistan
July 4, 2007 12:50am CST
There is a tradition that I have set in my life for some years now and I want to do it on Mylot too. Once in a year, on quarterly basis, I sit down with my family and extended family, friends, colleagues and neighbors and I ask them to tell something negative about me that bothers them. They say whatever they have to say and it helps me greatly to reflect and improve myself. I would like to do the same on mylot. So, Is there anything about me that bothers you? do I irritate you? do I offend you? Have I abused you? Is there anything wrong about my behavior? Please tell me, it will help me improve. P.S: Please no general suggestions, If you have nothing specific, don't respond. If you have nothing to criticize about me, don't respond.
6 people like this
9 responses
• Canada
4 Jul 07
I don't know you but I find this post extremely disturbing! You realize that there are no perfect people in this world dont you? You will never be either no matter how hard you strive for it. There is no harm in trying to be the best that you can be but your extreme is not sitting well with me! I believe that everyone internally knows what is wrong with them? Or they know when they are not doing something right? We can correct it on our own without putting people in the position to tell us. Not every one is as strong as you think you are? No matter how you ask them to be honest they wont' be because they don't have it in them to tell you things that could hurt you! If you want to do a soul cleansing or a sould searching spend quite time alone with you and God. God will search your heart and let you know things that need changing as they need changing or has you are ready to handle the insights. Take the burden of your friends and family to be the heavy news barer that you are not perfect! I know you know that but you know what I mean! How annoying is that? Honestly that would be just so annoying to me if you approached me like this on a regular bases! You know whats wrong with you; you don't need others to tell you. Sure if you dont' change your bad habits eventually you would hope someone who loves you would say; hey you know you always do that? But then again nobody wants to do that either because that leaves them open to critisim to and who wants that? Nobody! We are all just trying to be the best we can be and get along in this world! If we just encourage each other and build each other up on the possitives then we won't need to consider the negatives so much because for the most part they will disappear on their own; because the better you feel about yourself the less you tend to act out in negatives ways! Give yourself a break, relax, be yourself and let others be them selves! You spend time alone every so often and do your own soul searching with God!
2 people like this
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
4 Jul 07
Hello CoffeeAnyone!:-) Thank you very much for pointing out a negative thing about my behavior here and your criticism:-) Following are my reasons for doing it: Many things that we take for granted are subjective and not objective; Morality, Ethics, Sense of Right and Wrong are often subjective matters though we have universally accepted norms too. Moral, ethical, right or wrong of one may or may not be so for other. Human behavior is not that simply interpreted, there are too many grey areas there. There are many things, however objectively right they might be, can be treated as wrong subjectively. I'll give you examples to clear my point. I always thought that one must be on giving end, never taking or accepting anything. When I moved to France, initially we friends used to live together which is known as 'collocation' here. we cooked together. Whenever anybody brought something it was noted and at the end of month everybody shared. While others always put the things they brought into expenditure, I, many a time didn't bother to make things count which I used to bring. This behavior was noted by a friend unconsciously. Similarly when it was about going out or gifts or anything, I used to be on giving end and always hesitated and/or refused to take. All this I was doing unintentionally in my own sense of right. Behavior of my friends was slowly becoming strange for me. They started sharing less with me, started avoiding instances where I could spend or give. They too were doing subconsciously or unintentionally. I was like what's wrong with them or what's wrong with me. One day, I sat down with one of them and while our mood was light, I posed him the same question that I have posed here. He said nothing is wrong about me, everything is fine. I asked him to ponder and think for a while if there is wrong. He still said, smilingly, there is nothing wrong. I insisted and he thought for a while then he said, "I think you are a bit disrespectful". It was a real surprise for me, I asked him again what he said, he said I don't know what I want to say but you are un caring...a second statement. I asked him if he could explain. Then he started slowly and said No, you are unjust...third statement...I asked again if he could explain and he then started and slowly got passionate...He told me that I don't accept anything from them and always try to give them. He said that I am unjust because what I liked for myself, I didn't like for them i.e. giving. He said that I am disrespectful because I didn't respect their feelings...and he continued with a long passionate speech. It was really enlightening for me. I really thought that what I was doing unintentionally in my own sense of "right" was not that right, that I was really not caring for their emotions, that I was unjust with their feelings. I started accepting their gifts and others who hadn't talked to me again became slowly normal. This is in this sense and spirit that I ask people and I truly respect if somebody come up with genuine, sincere and loving advice for my correction. I really can narrate some other instances too where others (my family, friends, colleagues or even neighbors and other people) have helped me a lot to correct myself, to improve, to move forward and to mend one of my wrongs, which though may be 'right' in my own sense. I talk to GOD very often, privately, in public, any where I want to. I share with HIM almost everything that matters in my life. I get HIS help directly or indirectly but in HIS own system, we are supposed to be social, to help each other build ourselves, to join hands for a collective good and to be part of a divine system and a greater reality by our combined efforts. I have been and I am lucky to have many great people around me, who really care, who will stop me and will say that I am wrong at some place, who appreciates too, who respect and encourage also. I want to enjoy every bit of their sharing with me in ups and downs of my life and this is one of the ways to reach out:-) I am not sure if I am making any sense, I have tried to speak my mind as I felt. I thank you for this opportunity:-)
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
4 Jul 07
Wooo this is going to be hard! I read this and thought, "I really want to say something" because it's obviously something that is important to you and that you consider part of your learning. However, there isn't a lot bad to be said about you. I have something though. You are overly apologetic about things that you don't need to be. When you make long responses to my discussions, or you say something in a way that isn't immediately completely clear, you apologize far more profusely than is necessary. I'm not sure if it is a cultural thing, or politeness, but it comes across sometimes as being annoying. I always wonder at answering when people ask me questions like this, because I wonder if perhaps it is some kind of test that I am going to fail!
1 person likes this
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
4 Jul 07
lecanis! Friends are like mirrors. A person uses mirror to know if there is something wrong in appearance and needed to be corrected. If mirror is so blur that it doesn't show the shortcoming in appearance then it's useless. True friends are the ones from whom one can learn if he/she is all right or if something is needed to be corrected. No body is perfect, it implies that if a friend never tells you your faults/shortcomings and errors then there is something wrong with friendship. you have pointed out one thing and I really appreciate it. In fact in the last reply to your post (about trust in husband and wife), I was myself thinking that now we know each other enough that you will frankly say that whatever I said was absurd and not making sense but still I thought that out of care and politeness you won't say such a thing, that's why I apologized. I say that because I am usually not sure that my post is making any sense. A long nonsense is more frustrating than a short non sense:-). I am really glad that you mentioned it, so that I'll be careful in future. I would really appreciate if there is anything more you would like to say or add:-)
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
4 Jul 07
I really like what you said about friends here. It is true that the best friends are the ones from whom you can learn, and who can tell you when there are things that you can improve on. I have often asked my friends such things myself, though I'm not sure quite so formally. As for the making sense thing, don't worry, I'll tell you if you're not making sense to me. There's no point in conversing otherwise, if you're only guessing at things! And I enjoy the long posts that you make, which shouldn't be surprising as I sometimes tend towards long ones myself. I can't think of much else that I could say to help you in this case though. I really do have a very good opinion of you!
1 person likes this
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
5 Jul 07
Thanks lecanis, for reassurance that you will be frank about sense thing. I'll trust you on that:-)
1 person likes this
@Rtlsnk316 (1197)
• Mexico
4 Jul 07
Hi kamran12, You may consider the fact that me as well as many mylotters, do not know you that much or not at all, but since you asked, there's something that I do consider negative about yourself that I dare to say. The fact that you need to get feedback from people, I can understand that you may ask someone for a brief, honest and open judgment about yourself, but making a ritual or a ceremony every year on a "quarterly basis"? I think you need to continue being yourself and people will accept or reject you doesn't matter how hard you try to make them like you by being a perfectionist, you worry too much apparently for "what they might think about me". If you are a nice person and you know it, do not care about the rest of the world, if you owe something to somebody, maybe that's what's bothering you in order to ask for massive opinions. But those are just my 2cents, hope you have a great day.
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
4 Jul 07
Hello Rtlsnk316! and welcome to mylot:-) Thank you very much for daring:-) I can assure you that I am what I am. I don't care what other people think about me when it's about principles, beliefs and such. In many occasions, I have gone against whole of my society, family and friends but still I remained true to what I thought was right. I do more catharsis then I allow others to look into me. But then, no body is perfect. Sometimes, it is possible that I am not seeing something about my own self, something that is unreasonably disturbing or unlikeable about me. It's here that I need help from others. From people who care and can give me honest opinion. For me it has been healthy process and it has helped me improve little by little. Humans are social animals, there is probably nothing more precious than a friend who can tell me my shortcoming just to correct it, thus helping me moving forward. I really appreciate your input and would like to see you around pointing my errors to me:-)
@Rtlsnk316 (1197)
• Mexico
5 Jul 07
That's ok, I won't be judging you since, as I mentioned, I do not know you at all, but you sound like a person who can take the heat from people. Continuing with the honesty, you sound like a person I could get along with being so open and all, but, I stand up for what I said, maybe an opinion here and there from people you care about it's a good thing every now and then, but eventually after having your "cards read" follow up with wathever they had said to you so you can improve your errors, negative side and all. You have a nice one.
1 person likes this
@Naseem00 (1998)
• Pakistan
11 Jul 07
That reminds me of a tale I read during my school days. I do not completely remember it though but its theme and the basic idea is still fresh in my mind. The tale goes like .. there used to be an old man who used to cut wood from the jungle for his living. He had a son who was about 7 years of age. One day while he was going to the jungle he decided to take his son along. He had a donkey on whom he used to carry all the wood he used to cut from the jungle. So all three were walking towards the jungle when they passed by a man who looked at them and then said, what a fool this guy is. He has a donkey and he is still walking instead of riding. So the man decided to ride the donkey and let his son walk, till another passer by makes another comment. "what an idiot, he is riding and has let a small child walk.". The man decides to let his son ride the donkey as well. The were going smooth till they met a men, who looked at them and said. Look at this man, he alongwith his son is riding and the poor animal can not even walk. So the man got down and let his son alone ride. But than they met another guy who said. The old man is walking and the young boy is riding, oh what a pitty!. The old man was completely exhausted by now. He had come to the conclusion that he can never make everybody happy. So he decided to go by his own mind instead of listening to everybody. So my advice to you my friend is to be your own self instead of trying to please everybody. We can never please everybody.
1 person likes this
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
11 Jul 07
Hello Naseem00!:-) Thank you for sharing the story. You are right that one shouldn't seek correction for other's pleasure and I don't do it for this reason. I have explained my reasons in reply to #4. I can tell you that there are friends and family members who do it with honesty and sincerity for me and they have helped a lot. It can be misused though, just as you said. Thanks for sharing your views:-)
@emisle (3823)
• Ireland
5 Jul 07
Well I think you've got a problem if you feel you have to change to please others. EVERYONE has flaws and certain aspects that bother other people, but I'm sure that you have lots more good features than more than make up for the things that annoy others. I just think that every time you sit down with everyone they are going to find something they don't like about you. I'm sure if you were to think about annoying habits which they have you will see that it's a 2 way street..:)
1 person likes this
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
5 Jul 07
Hello emisle! I don't think I have to change to please others. My family and friends have done it honestly in past and I apreciate it. Please read my reply to #4. Thanks!
• United States
4 Jul 07
"Once in a year, on quarterly basis, I sit down with my family and extended family, friends, colleagues and neighbors and I ask them to tell something negative about me that bothers them." Seriously? Don't they love you? You have to ask? I receive negative feedback on a daily basis. :-) Okay, I'll play. I'm tired of never hardly ever finding spelling or grammar errors in your posts. This is embarrassing to those of us who are native English speakers who can not use the language as well as yourself. Remember, you asked for it.
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
4 Jul 07
LOL! redyellowblackdog, If I submit inedited version of my post, which I sometimes do, then perhaps you will not even be able to understand what I said because it contains too many errors. Actually they do point out my superficial errors but there are things buried deep in subconscious, it's that what I try to bring out of them because these subconscious matters create the real problems in the long term. I would really appreciate if you could come up with more things, I really mean it:-)
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Jul 07
Come up with more things? Meaning criticisms of your posts? Okay, but this is really nit picking because it is not anything serious. This entire question can be seen as "fishing for compliments". This is because there really is nothing wrong with your posts overall. I suspect you know that. Your question makes it look as if you are looking for someone to point out that your posts are very good. This sort of behavior, asking for a criticism of something that is done very well, is often times called, "fishing for compliments.". If "fishing for compliments" is the biggest faux pax you commit here at myLot, you have nothing to worry about.
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
4 Jul 07
You are very wise as to the intentions of people here on mylot, redyellowblackdog! however I have not much chance given my last lines in discussion starter:-)
1 person likes this
@nill_07 (1104)
• Bangladesh
4 Jul 07
That is great. I also desire to get it like you. I have a boosom friend named "Mohidul" is same like you & I was unblae to provide him information firstly. gradually I felled better... to inform him. So far i know you only I have learned & learned from you instead of teaching you something & no doubt personaly I believe i have no quality to teach like you... Try to keep/remain secreet in secreet... that is all.
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
5 Jul 07
Hello nill_07!:-) "Try to keep/remain secreet in secreet" I didn't understand your suggestion here, can you explain please?
@trixxx (1)
• United States
5 Jul 07
u
@mr_imi (34)
• Egypt
4 Jul 07
if u make it really u r so good person.