Joint bank account very early in the relationship.

India
July 13, 2007 1:05pm CST
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little more than 2 years. About 2 months after we had been dating we got a joint bank account, and so both are cheques go into the same account. At first I thought this would be a good idea but it's turned out not to be. He has more control over the money than I do, gets upset if I take out anything from the ATM and whatnot. I feel like and I do have to explain all the expenses from using our card... eg; why'd I got to subway or something. I want to suggest we get our own accounts again, may be keep our joint savings account but get separate chequing accounts. The problem I'm having is thinking about things to say to him, reasons why I want to get separate accounts. He's going to put up a fight, I know for sure, and he's going to be upset if not pissed off. Can anyone give me some advice on things I could say? Reason's that might make the talk go over more smoothly? Or any just plain suggestions? Thanks in advance for any responses.
3 people like this
18 responses
@smileonstar (4012)
• United States
13 Jul 07
well, i used to have this experience with my boyfriend before. But now he is my husband. lolz. well, it is hard for you to tell him that and then he might think you are thinking something else different. Here's the idea, why dont you go back to what you use to have before. I was saying your old bank account! you just use your account to spend on whatever u want, and this account just keep what you guys have. If he asked why you are doing this, just say I want to save money with you or will see 2 years from now on this account, how much we save. That's might sound better than you tell him to get his own account. sometimes, he wants to save money for both of you in the future. So try that and you dont have to say anything to him about spending on your own account...but remember once in a while you use join account to spend on a small amount,so then he won't feel bad. And another thing, if you guys are thinking to live together in the future, you have to find some way to tell him your problem over this money and your reason. otherwise, you will ended up fighting over money for sure. Good luck
2 people like this
@whyaskq (7532)
• Singapore
13 Jul 07
In my opinion, it is only fair if both contributes equally to the joint account and there is an agreement of what the joint account is for. As both still need some personal expenses, it would be reasonable for each to keep personal accounts since both of you are still dating. Even in a marriage, I do believe in keeping personal accounts and joint account for the family expenses. In this way, no one need to depend on the other if one should one to splurge suddenly. Just sharing my thoughts.
2 people like this
@rb200406 (1825)
• India
19 Jul 07
The problem which you are facing is a universal one & if you are very much indeoendent in your mindset than it is going to be a huge problem in future.I think you should not have opened up a joint account at all.I myself plan to open joint account with my husband that too only for avings.we both have individual accounts where we deposit our salary.It will be difficulat for you to now do it as you know that men are too much complicated & don;t like we women to be too much independent.you have to handle this problem yourself.I cannot help you as i really have no idea how is your boyfriend & how he thinks.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56736)
• Delhi, India
16 Jul 07
Priti, (Tumaney khud hi apnay hath katwa liya hai...LOL!) Treuly speaking, you should blame yourself for this state of affairs. You landed yourself in trouble by opening a joint account with your boy friend (I fail to understand the reasons for opening a joint account) I think you should not have opened a joint account at all, with your boy friend (in case of husband and wife, it is must, I would say). But from your discussions, I can make out that you are feeling ill at ease and uncomfortable with the operations of joint account and the explanations you are required to make to your b/f for withdrawing or spending out the money. You may clearly tell him that you wish to open a separate account.And if you are concerned that he would take it very badly, you may open a separate saving bank account, without telling him and may continue to deposit your money in the new account...you can gradually reduce your deposits (your share in the joint account). Best of Luck! Deepak Have a Nice Day!
@emisle (3823)
• Ireland
14 Jul 07
I don't like the whole joint account idea, at least as an only resort. I would like my partner and I to have our own accounts and than contribute equally to a joint account which covered household expenses etc. If your boyfriend doesn't understand where you're coming from than just go ahead and do it anyways. It's your money and if you split up it will save you a LOT of bother.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30999)
• United States
14 Jul 07
After all I have been thru in relationships, I would never ever ever get a joint checking account again with anyone! Always one person seems to have more control. I would suggest assigning one person to be responsible for keeping track of joint expenses and the other person handing over his/her share while keeping a separate account for spending and personal expenses. Also...bad experience in the case of breaking up...my husband depleted our account as soon as he realized that I was leaving. He had the right legally and there was not a thing I could do about it even though most of that money was mine. Maintaining your independence in a relationship is so very important.
1 person likes this
@Lindalinda (4112)
• Canada
14 Jul 07
It is not a good idea to have a joint account for everything even in marriage. Have a nice talk with your boyfriend without aggravating him. Tell him gently you prize your independence. Suggest that each of you contribute money to the joint account to pay household expenses, food, electricity, water, cable, rent or mortgage, telephone. Open a savings acount for the rest of your money and tell your boyfriend to do the same. Tell him what you are saving for. It could be a goal for your joint future, like a new sofa or the downpayment of a house. This way you can still work towards your own goal but do not have to account for every penny of your own money. Watch out for other signs of control as well. Good luck. You can do it.
• United States
14 Jul 07
Under no circumstances should you have a joint account wioth someone when you are single. In some states any joint account assumes you are in a "married" relationship and any debts incurred on a joint account will be the responsibility of both no matter who incurs the debt. Not only that if the relationship goes sour one could take all the money and take you for a ride. You should get a separate account and put no more money into the joint account forcing the other party to reopen one under his or her name. You should also have a written contract to share expenses equally. He may get pissed but you are not married either. Tell him to buy you the engagement ring of your choice get married then get a joint account. If you have good credit now it can be destroyed overnight. Good luck. By the way if he gets pissed over the bank account think about what he would do over something important.
• India
14 Jul 07
My suggestion is that you should have different accounts.you have your own freedom baby.you should talk kindly about this to your boyfriend.i hope that your boyfriend won't loose.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8519)
• Sweden
14 Jul 07
I think that u should just tell him the truth of what you are feeling. Say that u feel as if u have to answer to him for using YOUR money and that u do not feel comfortable with this. If he is a man that likes control, then he should also be happy since he this way will get 100% control over his account.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
14 Jul 07
i dont agree much on joing accounts.my friend had did that only for her to realize it was not good after all..her boyfriend took all the money they had and she did not see him again..the thing is the boyfriend did have the fair share because my friend took good care of the savings to fill in.. i dont like to get involve with joint accounts..or if i do then i would give myself an exemption for it..i will have a joint account at the same time have my own account..i wont tell him i have one..anyway, there is still privacy in a realtionship.. from what i see, your bf is just good at saving money..he ask you stuff because he knows how to manage what is going in and wat goes out the account..which was very smart to have focus with..not that he means to get all the control but he just good at saving..
@happymom1 (1179)
• United States
14 Jul 07
You know i want also a joint account to my husband but my husband did not agree because he has experience of joint account from his first wife and it is terrible. He dont want to happen again thats why he dont want joint account. Joint account is good but if one is not careful to use the money both of you are in trouble. I think i agree with my husband meaning open your very own account. YOu and your bf is not yet married so you have the control of your money thats your money not his money.
1 person likes this
@subathra (3519)
• India
14 Jul 07
Its good to see that before marriage you people are planning to have some savings for your future.I feel you have every rights to utilise the money as you too contribute in the savings joint account. There should be space in relationship so that problems like this will not creep in like he should not involve in simple things and the same should be from your end also. Explain him politely that you need a separate account for your transactions to follow up and you need to issue cheques to some expenses of yours.Even if he gets upset talk to him softly which will not make this a issue.
1 person likes this
@mymytri (2032)
• India
14 Jul 07
Hi touchnshine!!It is really so sad when the person whom we love didnt understand us.My way is to talk to him alone when he is in good mood about this topic with a smiley face.This is a sensitive matter so better you should plan how to talk before you meet him.You should explain how you hurted for his behaviour first.If he undestood this ok.I think it is not possible to have joint savings account and separate chequing accounts with same account.You should have to open another one. So you tell him for your ebay business you wanna maintain a separate account to record them for future .Other way is to tell him that better to have a separate account for internet transactions becoz there are so many frauds online using credit cards.And am afraid of using my savings account online becoz there is a chance of theft.Thats it. As for me i have a saving account and decided not add this card online..becoz most of my savings are in that.Planning to open another for online doings.I dont wanna keep money in this account.Just i want to take it off when i get any money online.Smiles...
1 person likes this
@asahibza (388)
• Canada
13 Jul 07
I think that is a mistake. During these times, it is necessary to control one's own finances. There should be complete understanding about expenses and contributions from each. In this case, I think joint account should be broken at once and finances managed individually.
1 person likes this
@jillbeth (2711)
• United States
13 Jul 07
You're not married, you have the right to spend your own money as you see fit! If his is this controlling over your money, will you let him control the rest of your life also? Getting a joint account after only two months together is a bit premature. Maybe he would agree that you both should have an "allowance" that you are allowed to spend as you wish without the other person having anything to say about it. If you are not living together there is no reason to have a joint account. He could decide to leave you and wipe out the account, then where will you be? That happens in marriage, too. You need to have some money that only you can access. If you live together then only the money you need for joint expenses, rent, food, utilities, entertainment and such, should be put into the account. I would suggest that you open an account in your name only and have your check deposited there, then transfer the necessary amount into the joint account. You must stand your ground and tell him this is how it is going to be and he must accept it, even if he doesn't like it. You must be firm and not give in just to keep him from becoming upset. Sometimes we have no choice but to upset those we love for the good of the relationship. You need to protect yourself. You don't mention if you plan to get married, but be aware that fighting over money is one of the biggest causes of divorce. You two need to work this out if you want the relationship to last.
1 person likes this
@ssh123 (31096)
• India
22 Jul 07
Before opening such an account one should have thought of. Having opened, it is better to work on some principle like: 1. Each one should inform at the time of depositing money and withdrawal 2. Each one should withdraw less than what is deposited 3. Each one should consider saving as paramount, because it is the foundation of good relationship.
@navtech (1776)
• India
22 Jul 07
Dear touchnshine, Money is basically a raw material for human's happy life. We try to earn more money, the raw material, for our conformt in life. You mentioned boyfriend that means you are not married to him. Opening a bank account with boy friend is basically wrong. We are all human being. Each individual's mental set up will change unless there is a strong bondage like marriage. Therefore, I advise you to tell him for certain reason I want to have separate account or without informing him open a separate SB account in another bank and run the account of your own. In case I were your bf then I would not ask why did you take out money. I feel happy if you spend more of my savings.