advice for puberty

@mejluvya (213)
United States
July 14, 2007 12:27pm CST
Does anyone have any advice for me? My 13yr old son is starting through puberty and his attitude is getting out of hand. We've talked to him,punished him taken things away from him and he just seems to be getting worse. He's started cursing and he even curses right in front of me and doesn't care no matter what I say or holler at him. And to be quite frank I'm at the end of my rope and really really ready to just beat him. I have never felt that way about him. He's always been a good kid and even though him and his brothers would fight and argue with each other he has never been disrespectful like he's been lately. I just don't know what to do and I know that hitting him will not solve anything at all. Please I would appreciate any advice at all.
3 people like this
11 responses
@drink18 (24)
• United States
14 Jul 07
I beg to differ, whats your husband saying about this? A belt wont work, you need an extension cord. That ought to straighten him out no problem. It's worked great for my aunts 3 kids. Also if you dont discipline them the right way, they'll just run all over you, so get em while he's still young.
2 people like this
@mejluvya (213)
• United States
14 Jul 07
He's at the end to. We've really never had to hit any of our sons, a threat here or there and they would stop. And last night they were arguing back and forth and finally my husband said "you know what, I'm not playing this game with you the next time you speak to me out of line, I'm taking you outside and we can go at it. Do you think you're a man? If you want to talk to me like you're a man I'm gonna treat you like one. Then I'm gonna whoop your ___ and show you who's in charge." Well that shut him up last night. But he's back at it today and dad's at work so it's just me here. He's only 13 and I know he's not ready to have that confrontation with his dad yet but I'm getting ready to say go for it. Maybe it'll wise him up a little. It worked for me when I thought I was the stuff and my mom put me in my place. My husband's dad put him in his place. He's my son and I don't want to see him get his butt kicked by is dad but maybe that is what he needs
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Jul 07
Yeah, but it's better to get them young instead of waiting to late around 16 or 17, and believe me, it's hell around that age
1 person likes this
@eden32 (3976)
• United States
14 Jul 07
I don't think that's the way to go at all. I don't think hitting children teaches them anything but that you win if your bigger/stronger than the person you're upset with and chances are your son is going to be bigger than you some day.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
14 Jul 07
This is a really tough age. been thru it 3 times and now going thru it with my 13 yr old. experience does not make it any easier to deal with. Their hormones are running wild and so are their emotions. They are actively trying to break free from parents while their behavior makes you want to hold on even tighter. Some kids are more mellow than others but some are just as you describe. I try to walk away from my daughter when she is being rude. notice i said 'try'. it is not easy and im not always successful. When I do, she is more often than not regretful of her behavior and comes to me to appologize. I do alot for my girl and work very hard. I don't deserve the disrespect. She knows that in her heart. To be fair to her, when I do argue back with her, I have lowered myself and am not being respectful to her either. not to say that I am above it for I am not...just saying...that from experience, it does not help anything. hang in there...its tough.
2 people like this
@mejluvya (213)
• United States
14 Jul 07
Thank you. It's good to know that someone else feels the way I do. I also try to walk away but it's so hard when I'm walking away and he's still running off at the mouth. Then when I do argue back I feel like I'm feeding into his nastiness and when I ignore him he will say things like ya whatever mom walk away uh huh. Like he's trying to provoke me. You know he's got me so upset sometimes I want to cry.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
14 Jul 07
Oh yes, don't I know it. The other nite she was taunting me so bad...really throwing out some hurtful stuff. I firmly got her off the computer and sent her to her room to cool off. Then I got on here and just got my mind off of it all...not easy because i did feel like exploding but it worked. by and by she came to me all sorry. I always accept her appologies with a hug even if i am not yet over it.It takes me longer than her to recover from this stuff. I think this is a good place to vent as we need to.
1 person likes this
@mejluvya (213)
• United States
14 Jul 07
This is a good place to vent. I feel somewhat better. Only because I'm sitting here on the computer and he's waiting for me to get off. I'm waiting for an apology and I think I'll sit here a little longer than I planned, this way when I do get up I'll be calmer and he won't see just how much he got to me this time.
1 person likes this
• Nigeria
14 Jul 07
i want u to be prayerful as well as understanding and and advicing him, that he should not allow his body to be controlling him, rather he should control his body,or it will make him to do things that he dosent want to do.prayer is the key.
@mejluvya (213)
• United States
17 Jul 07
Thank you so much. We did have a nice long talk and I actually explained this to him. I also tried to explain that the way his attitude and temper have been lately is going to make people not like him so much and before his horomones took over he used to have the best disposition. Since we've talked I noticed he is really trying to control himself and I made sure to take notice and commend him for it.
15 Jul 07
ok. listen. i am currently 17. i have a 14yr old brother. wot you have to do is lay down rules that are not to be broken. such as a curfue. not too late. when i was 13 my curfue was probably at about 9.30pm. another thing is that you should treat him with respect. congradulate him on things he does well. and thank him for doing things for you. wotever you do dont tell him that u love him. or dont show ne afection. he will try and break aaway frm this as he will be worried about his image. maybe raise his allowance but ony a little if he has one. whatever you do dont try to mix in with his m8s an dnt try the cool dad look. my dad tried it with me and i used to hate it. another thing is that u have to explain to him about respecting others. make him realise what he does to you and your wife when he argues with his siblings. explain that he has to respect other peoples decisions even if he doesnt like them. because this will always happen in life. an tell him also that if he does he will also be a lot more respected himself. i hope this helps. im nt exactly an expert but this is the case between my parents and my brother. it wont change immediately but gradually things will change and get better
1 person likes this
@mejluvya (213)
• United States
17 Jul 07
Thank you for your advice. It's ashame because the older you get the more you forget that you went through it too and what it was like, so I really appreciate hearing from someone who has just recently been there.
@ravi67 (4)
• India
15 Jul 07
This is the time to treat you son as a friend..if you start pushing, he will resist, leading to further estrangement. Ask him to bring his friends home, once a week. This will give you an idea about his friends. Treat all with friendliness and tell your son that he is growing up. And you are there to help him learn more. Can you try...start with a friends get together at your home with lot of things to eat, play and joke? Suggest this to your son and plan the event with him..this is the starting point.
• United States
15 Jul 07
If your son talks back to your husband, what chance do you have of him not doing it to you???
@mejluvya (213)
• United States
16 Jul 07
His friends are here more than they are home so that's not the problem. While I appreciate the advice I won't treat my son as if he's a friend. I am his mother first and foremost and that will never change. We do have conversations and that I can say he tells me everything that's going on in his life he always has. We always sit down and talk about school and his teachers and friends and the girls he likes and doesn't like. That hasn't stopped and I'm so scared that he is going to start withdrawing and stop talking to me especially if we keep arguing the way we have been. Although the last couple of days has been really good. We did sit and talk about what's going on with us both and we talked about puberty and I did tell him I understand what it's like I'm not a male but I've been through it and your head gets all twisted and you get angry at even the smallest things. I did ask him please hold your tongue if you feel like cursing go in your room and curse into a pillow so I don't hear. And if you feel like exploding stop count to ten and say very calmly what's on your mind and what's bothering you. We had this talk two days ago and so far only one argument and he didn't curse. I know it's going to be hard for everyone but I'm hoping we're moving in the right direction. Thank you for the advice.
@carolscash (9500)
• United States
15 Jul 07
I have the same problem with my 16 year old daughter. It seems as though she is just determined to drive me crazy! She was always such a good kid and now it seems as though she just doesn't get it. She thinks that she knows all and nothing you do seems to be a punishment. My best advice to you is to stay strong and be consistent with punishments. These kids need to learn to respect their parents and to do what they are asked.
• United States
15 Jul 07
a good whipping straightens em out everytime
• United States
15 Jul 07
Well, maybe he is just going through alot right now with peer pressure and everything. Maybe someone of his friends are doing it and he just trys it to get away with it. YOU HAVE TO LET HIM NO HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT. If you have to beat him, then just do that. You have a really good reason too. Your his mother and hes a child is out of control and he needs to know his boundaries. But then again you should try to talk to him and understand whats going going on in his life. He might try to back away but just let him know that if he needs to talk that you are there. Dont be one of those nosey parents all in your kids business though. Let him breathe sometimes. If you feel you need to get in his business, don't go to far with him, just watch out for him, let him make his decisions and mistakes, but just play your part and stop him if it gets out of hand. Be more understanding of your child though. Stop him from disrespecting him, but you also should start respecting him too. Hope this helps :)
@mejluvya (213)
• United States
16 Jul 07
Thank you I agree.
@Zorrogirl (1481)
• South Africa
14 Jul 07
All i can say is, love him dearly. it doesnt matter if he screams or slams doors. hes upset about something. maybe nothing. just tell him you respect him as a young man. by giving them more freedom, they learn more responsibility. do everything in love. he will be allright and so will you. good luck.
@mejluvya (213)
• United States
16 Jul 07
thank you very much.
@eden32 (3976)
• United States
14 Jul 07
It's a hard age, but it's temporary & what you're going through is normal. It's a delicate balance to find when to be firm & when to be flexible with a teenager. When they have legit reasons for wanting you to reconsidered a rule, it's sometimes in your best interest to hear them & make some changes. I'm thinking things like curfew, how long they can use the phone or computer, that sort of thing. But then stand firm in your rules that are for their protection; no smoking, no drinking etc. And let him know his behavior directly effects his freedoms & limits. If he acts right, he's allowed to do XY& Z but when he's disrespectful & rude, don't drive him places, no spare money, no friends at the house etc.
@mejluvya (213)
• United States
16 Jul 07
Thank you. They all have a set of rules that they've had ever since they started to venture out on their own. I don't negotiate those not for any reason. In the summer they have to be here between 12 and 2 for lunch or they don't eat. Dinnertime is always 5,if you're not in at exactly 5 you don't get to go back out. After dinner you are allowed back out until dark. When it starts to get dark you must be at this house. You can play outside but only around the house. They don't fight me on these rules. I have a password on the computer it's shut down every night at nine and they don't know the password(although I did have to change it once because my son figured it out but he also wasnt allowed on the computer for 2weeks after that) They've had these rules forever and just don't question them anymore.
@kimthedane (1000)
• Denmark
15 Jul 07
Being a teenager is a huge crisis in itself, and puts everybody around you to the test. There is nothing abnormal in this. I think what you need to do is to try and show him a little ynderstanding for what he is going through and put yourself and your own needs a little aside. As a single dad to a teenage daughter i do however know that this aint always easy. But without this understanding you will just find things going from bad to worse and eventually you might end up hitting him. Not as i believe this is what you want but we humans can only deal with so much before we respond in frustration and desperation. When a child develope into the teenage stage a lot of changes follows, psycologically and physically, the hormones start raging, the need for indepency starts growing, parents role becomes less important and friends will start to take over. This often lead to what we parents describe as rebellious behaviour, but in reality it is nothing but normal development for the teenage trauma. One thing you need to understand as a parent, is that your son is not the slightest aware of this changes himself. In his point of view it is you who is changing. He simply just react instinctlivly to the raging hormones. Therefore you will never solve this situation by punishment, as he is not aware why he is being punished or how he can change his behaviour against nature. Arguments, punishment and a strict set of rules is not gonna make things better, more the oposite. SO you need to learn to meet your son where he is, on his terms. He is not a little boy any longer tho he is only 13 years of age, and he need to meet understanding for what he is going through, not punishment. Your role and importance as a perent will be fading and his friends will take over and be the once he will listen to for advice and opinions on normal day livings. You say that you have tried to talk to him, but have you actually tried to talk WITH him? You need to find out what is happening inside him right now, engage with him when he talks about his friends, girls, future perspectives etc. To do this on your conditions is never going to work. Instead of nagging and yell at him all the time and punish him when it seems he is not listening, he need your support, guidance and accept that he is ok and you understand the difficulties he is going thru, and assure him that you will always be there for him. Meet him in this way on his terms, and you will soon find that he is still your son, that he still care for you and you will be able to set some conditions for him to make your day work too. ie if you want him to contribute to the daily chores. But dont expect too much of him, as where he is right now, family is secondary to him. There is a whole new world opening to him and he will want to explore and learn how to lern to live in it. Hope this is not too tough on you and you can somehow use it if for nothing else, then to help you understand and accept that there is nothing wrong with your boy. I wish you all the best of luck in future. You are more than welcome to contact me again if you need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry at. Just add me as your friend and send me a private message. Greetings :)
@tuffy999 (794)
• Philippines
15 Jul 07
just give him room for he is at a very confusing stage. just be a little patient and please always show him your love. believe me it will pass.