What would you do if your boyfriend...
By juliemarie84
@juliemarie84 (642)
United States
July 25, 2007 2:35pm CST
Basically I've been with the same guy for 6 years, but I feel like he's playing games with me now. (long distance relationship as of 2 months ago)
One minute he tells me I can come see him, and then the next his little brother is staying for 2 weeks. So then I don't. When his brother leaves, he says he doesn't want to see me.
However during all this he says he still wants to be with me and doesn't want to break up.
Then finally I drop my cat off at my parents, and drive down there. I show up, surprise him, he says he is mad at me for doing that. But then after an hour everything seems fine and we enjoy about 4 days together.
He says he'll see me in 1 day because he has off and is going to my town to spend the weekend.
When I leave, he says he's mad again at me and tells me to never show up randomly like that again. He says he's not coming up for the weekend because in 7 days he has 5 days off in a row which he will be spending in my town. Which sucks because I wasn't going to be there, I was visiting family that week. So I wasn't going to be there at all.
I felt something was fishy about the whole situation so I called him a few minutes after he told me that. And there he didn't answer the phone for the rest of the night. I found out he did come to my town, and stayed at a friend's.
So I ended up seeing him and I said, "Let's start planning days to see each other better instead of just randomly seeing each other and changing plans based on our moods." He said fine, "What days will work for you?"
And we came to the decision that Thursday of this week (Tomorrow) we would spend the weekend together and stay together up until I had to go to my families (sisters coming from another state to visit) So it would be an extended weekend together. He was fine with that and kept telling me for the next 5 days that's exactly what we were doing.
Come the day before I would have to pack and get ready... He is now telling me, "You can't come. I'm not ready for you to come back." Basically if we don't see each other now, I won't be around for the next week, and then his brother is coming to stay again for a long time after that.
No matter what though, he keeps saying "I want to be with you" and when we actually do see each other, things are fine. But it's the getting up to that point that's so difficult. I feel like he's pushing me away, and it's quite obvious, yet he is telling me things are fine, we're together, he just doesn't want to see me.
I feel like I need to see him at least one last time and get this straightened out. Because I can't deal with him changing plans every other day. I can't drop everything to see him whenever he finally is in the mood. And I can't take off days, plan to see him, just for him to say "nevermind, I changed my mind" the day before.
What would you do? I know I'm gonna get a ton of, "dump his a$$"
I guess I'm confused onto why someone would go back and forth on things so much. First they're happy and wanting to see me, and the next they don't want to and don't care to plan when the next time is. Almost like they are just bi-polar.
2 people like this
13 responses
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
25 Jul 07
I read thru your entire story and I really do have to wonder why you are stil there. I do see that it is all up and down...rollercoaster. When you are ready to leave...that seems to be when he wants you. Is he bipolar? it does sound it. If so ....you are in for a ride my friend. not to say that it can't be worked out but it is difficult. you need a mountain of patience and a deep understanding of what bi polar is.
1 person likes this
@juliemarie84 (642)
• United States
25 Jul 07
I almost wondered that. He yells out random things to me that doesn't make sense. Like, "Don't tell me what to do!!!!" and I'm not even telling him to do anything. And then he'll be fine one minute and the next telling me, "Leave me the F* alone."
And I'll be so confused as to why he's doing that. I keep asking him "Why are you mad?" and "What did I do?" And he won't answer me.
Then a few hours later he'll be fine again.
If he does have some emotional problems, I am willing to deal with them and help him...but he just takes it out on me that I'm the one that is doing it to him. And sometimes I won't even be talking to him, I won't see him for weeks, and he is all of a sudden like mad at me. Sometimes I feel like he's just making up reasons to be mad at me cause he never even tells me why he was mad.
I really do want to just sit down and talk to him face to face, at least once more before coming to some decision. I think I am ready to leave him after that. None of his friends even understand why he's so flakey with them, and why he does this to me.
1 person likes this
@juliemarie84 (642)
• United States
26 Jul 07
Ugh. He said his reasoning for doing that is he never really puts much thought in his answers. And then when it comes close to time...he thinks about it, decides against it.
@ang_2906 (76)
•
26 Jul 07
It's very easy for people on the outside looking in to tell you to dump him etc. When you are in the middle of the situation it's more difficult to see how life would be afterwards. Only you know whether you want to be with him etc.
The one thing I will say is that I truly believe if anyone can treat another person like that then they really don't deserve your love. It's not fair to be pushed and pulled in the same direction whether he's hiding anything or not. No-one knows his reasons apart from him especially when he's saying one thing then another.
I agree you should see him one last time. Tell him exactly how you feel, and be preapared for the relationship to end if thats what you want.
1 person likes this
@shakatoah (9)
• Australia
26 Jul 07
You're spending such a lot of time thinking about your guy; what's wrong with him?; why is he acting this way; what does he really want? I'm going to put a different question to you. What do YOU want?Do you want long weeks on your own where you feel lonely and confused? Do you want to have to be afraid of whether or not he wants to see you? Do you want to feel this disempowered? Do you want...more affection; more togetherness; more stability; more fun and less anger?Answering those questions might help bring you to your own conclusions...at least in time. Of course no one knows the whole picture but you, although it's debatable at this point whether you're really part of the whole picture, isn't it? It shouldn't be a guessing game for you. That just isn't fair. From an outsider's point of view, it really looks as though he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I've been through something similar - many years ago - and wish I'd wised up a whole lot earlier.
I doubt that he's bipolar. If he was, there'd be other signs. People with this disorder become really, really depressed...crying, unable to work or function normally. And then, all of a sudden they seem 'high' - abnormally happy, excited and hyperactive. I doubt that you'd miss the signs if you've known him for so long.
I want to point out one more thing to you..somewhat reluctantly. This cycle you describe - of his running hot and cold - being pleased to see you one day and inexplicably angry the next - is ringing warning bells for me. It sounds dangerously like an abuse cycle. Now I'm not saying he hits you or anything as overt as that, but abuse can be emotional and psychological as well. It's all about control. Notice how just when things get really bad and he thinks you might have had enough, he comes back to you with bucketloads of remorse? And then you're happy for a while...until something (unknown to you) triggers his anger and rejection? Well, as I said, it looks dangerously like a classic abuse cycle to me.
You're so young. Please start thinking of yourself. Be a little selfish. Go ahead and ask yourself, 'Is this man good enough for me? Is this what I want? Is this the way I really want to be loved?' Many women go through life worrying about what they've done wrong and how they can fix it - they feel as though they're always the ones to blame. You don't need to think like this...and you don't need to rescue him. He has his own learning curve in life and no matter how much you care, and how hard you try, you simply can't prevent him from going through it.
My advice? Detach with love. (And if I could I'd be there with a box of kleenex and a shoulder to cry on. I know how much it hurts.)
Hugs
@mrsbrian (1949)
• United States
25 Jul 07
This guy has you on a string and he knows it, i would break the tie and let him go, it sounds like he has a few problems to work out. You need to be firm and not be available when he calls or wants to see you,give him a taste of his own medicne, now Imagine having children with this person and living a long life with them can you handle all these changes day to day and would you want a guy like that for the father of your children?
1 person likes this
@juliemarie84 (642)
• United States
26 Jul 07
Yeah, that's true, about him being the father of my children. I think he does have some things to work out on his own.
@liana_pescarus (1168)
•
25 Jul 07
Well... I kindda now what you are living... so I'm not going to be hypocrite and tell you to dump his a$$. If I can give you a pice of advice, that would be ignore him. Yeap, just ignore him for a while. Don't call him, don't drop over at his place, nothing! Let him do all the work. And if he doesn't seem to affected by this after some time... then dump his a$$ :)
All the best :D
1 person likes this
@lexus54 (3572)
• Singapore
26 Jul 07
I am a guy and I'll never treat a girl like this, especially one whom I have been going out with for 6 years. This guy is either taking you for granted, or he is a very unpredictable person who blows hot and cold with the wind. I don't blame you getting agitated and annoyed at being treated like that. I shudder to think what his unpredictable nature will be like in other aspects of life if/when you are married to him one day. I feel you should make it very clear to him that you detest this form of reaction from him, and that he should treat you with more respect. You shouldn't be someone he can bounce around like a ball. If he is serious about the relationship and your reaction, then he should make an attempt to change his ways. Otherwise I think it is not worth carrying on a relationship like that, because you have to think about your future happiness.
1 person likes this
@juliemarie84 (642)
• United States
26 Jul 07
Yeah after he got off work he was fine again. He said I could come see him and we were planning out weekend. Then I told him what I wanted in this relationship and he freaked out like, "don't tell me what to do, forget it." And then shut off his phone. I think he's got some major personal problems that are creeping up to him for some reason.
@lexus54 (3572)
• Singapore
27 Jul 07
I'm sorry you got such a reaction. It looks like he is someone who wants to lord over you and control you. Perhaps he doesn't want you to defy him or stand up to him like his equal. Are you afraid of him? Do you feel inferior to him and always have to give in to his demands? Does he blow up each time things don't go his way? Does he always want to win in any argument you have with him, and throw tantrums if he loses? If you say yes to these, then you will have a trying relationship, where you have to tolerate his intimidating nature and hot temper. You will have to think long and hard about carrying on a relationship like this, for the sake of your future happiness.
1 person likes this
@gmakesmoney (2923)
• United States
25 Jul 07
I was in a long-distance relationship with someone just like that for about 7 years on and off. It hurt to finally let him go but my life is better because of it and now I'm in a relationship with someone who values me and it feels like a whole new world. I still miss the ex at times, don't get me wrong we had some really good times but there were more bad than good and there was a lot of emotional bullsh*t on his part where he was acting like a jerk 75% of the time and then like a total sweetheart the other 25%. It's very stressfull to live on an emotional rollarcoaster and not very healthy. That being said, I won't tell you to dump him because every situation is different and you have to do what your own intuition tells you to do. Listen to your body and the reactions you get when you talk to him or when you're around him. For me, everytime I'd talk to the ex my tummy would get upset, he litterally made me sick, lol, and that was a big key into knowing that the situation was all wrong for me. Your boyfriend sounds like he has issues that he may need to get help for or work out, he might need to talk to someone professional. But even if that is the case, you still need to decide if it is a healthy relationship for you to be in or if you need to take a step back. Best of luck!
@juliemarie84 (642)
• United States
25 Jul 07
Yeah I don't understand. When he's a jerk and doesn't want to see me, later when we finally see each other and things are good he just jokes, "Oh I'm hard to get and you like that." And sometimes he blurts out so many mean things and just goes, "WEll I was just mad, I don't mean them."
So everything is so much back and forth. I feel like I go through so many downs with him, and then finally when I reach my breaking point and am ready to leave, somethings good happens and we are good for a while, and he tells me how he wants my help to stop acting like that, and he's sorry, and he really wants me.
When I surprised him, he was mad... but he told me he wasn't anymore and that he was happy to see me and he helped me bring all my stuff in. If he really didn't want me there he didn't have to go out to my car and help me bring everything. He could've refused. Then the moment I leave he said how mad he was. It's just so confusing.
@juliemarie84 (642)
• United States
25 Jul 07
Also he got a huge raise on his job this week. He sat there and told me how he was gonna take me to dinner when I came and saw him. Told me we'd go see a movie when I went there too. He had everything planned with me as if everything was okay. Then suddenly, out of no where... he comes home for his lunch break, comes online and when I go... "Hey we still on for seeing each other?"
He goes, "When?"
As if we hadn't talked about it EVER...
Then he proceeds to tell me "he's not ready" to see me again. One extreme to the other. And I haven't done anything, and if I did, he won't tell me. So yeah, something is up with him.
@raijin (10345)
• Philippines
26 Jul 07
Your man might have to shake the cobwebs on his head, as his brain could've been affected by that much clogging!LoL
You're the one's that should know him, since you've been hanging around for 6 years already. If you are not used to these actions of his', then your instincts can easily spell it out for you. Ask him, if he has some personal problems that you do not know. He might wanna share it with you, talk at each other and try to listen to him.
It's hard to accuse someone, but there are signs that tells all about his hidden intentions. Better for you to take some time off with each other, let him be as of the moment and have yourself some time to think about yourself too..
1 person likes this
@xfallenxlostx (2074)
• United States
26 Jul 07
Ok, he is d*cking you around and you DO need to dump his a$$. i'm sorry, i know that is not what you want to do, but it is what needs to be done. i was dealing with a semi-similar situation and i put up with it for WAY too long. i knew i should have left the guy, but i didn't for a very long time. Not until my best friend came to visit me and treated me so amazingly well and showed me how a person who loves you is SUPPOSED to treat you. i dumped the guy right after my best friend left. The relationship was going nowhere and was only dragging me down. It was depressing me and causing me stress in my life that i just didn't need to deal with. i am so glad to be rid of him. i DO mourn the relationship i once believed he and i had...but i do not mourn him. i realize now he was a jerk who wasn't worth my time. i'm not saying i am any prize, but i know i don't want to be treated like that. Nobody does. Nobody should be. Don't foo yourself into thinking this is a good relationship. DOn't fool yourself into thinking he is committed to you. He obviously is not. i now you don't want to go there, but are you even sure he is being faithful to you? Are you sure that he isn't canceling plans with you to be with someone else? No, you can't be sure...especially not with how he is acting. i'm so sorry, but you DO need to face the facts. All the facts are just screaming at you to break up with this loser.
@stealthy (8181)
• United States
26 Jul 07
I'm a guy and I would never treat a woman that way. What I suspect is that he is seeing other women and yes I mean plural and yet likes having you as backup. If this is the case, it is a very lousy thing to do and you should dump him. Actually, even if it isn't which I doubt you shuld dump him. From your profile I see you started dating him at a fairly young age and you may not have really dated anyone else which may the the case for him, also. This leads me to suspect even more that he is seeing others. I had a long distance realtionship once when I was in graduate school, but we had not been dating anywhere near as long as you(it was less than a year) and I met someone else. Now I'm an honest guy(yes there are some of us out there) and I told the long distance one, who was in my hometown, the next time I went home and saw her even though I really hadn't even started much with the new woman. That is how a man should handle such things. Please be good to yourself and cut your loses. You are young enough that you have plenty of time to meet a better guy.
1 person likes this
@UnicornDancer (91)
• United States
26 Jul 07
It sounds to me like you are having serious doubts about this guy. You need to think about how he acts and deside if you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if the fun to be with guy or the angry guy is going to be with you that day. And what kind of father would he make for any children you might have with him. I know that when I had a long distance relationship that was on again off again it was hard but I ended if by not calling him any more and moving on. it was hard but it was for the best.
1 person likes this
@lishie4eva2005 (36)
• Australia
26 Jul 07
Get out of this situation before its too late as on both the inside and outside your guy may say that he loves you but the truth is that he really doesn't. There is even evidence to support this if you think about it-
Firstly,why would he yell at you all the time if he didn't love you?
Secondly, why would he refuse and make his own arrangements to see you if he didnt love you?
Thirdly, why would he refuse to answer the phone when you call if he didnt love you?
And lastly when you try to talk to him about your relationship, why would he try and claim that everything is ok when it is ovbiously not and that your'e the one he wants to be with, when this is obviously not true either.
This sounds a bit fishy to me...he is obviously telling you that your relationship is fine but it obiously appears to be over as:
1.He refuses to see you - (sorry to break this to you, but this also could be a sign that he is seeing someone else)
2.He refuses to talk to you when you call by not answering the phone. (yes he may not be home,benefit of the doubt given on this one, but he has gotta come home sometime)
3.he makes his own arrangments to see you (yes he may be working, but he could also be making these arrangements to fit in with the visiting arrangements of the other person he may be seeing if there is another person that is)
4. He refuses to communicate about your relationshipand denys that there are problems. he reassures you that everythings ok and your the one he wants to be with - this brings me back to reason 1- if your the one he wants to be with then why is he refusing to see you?
My final advice on this one is DUMP HIM!!!! He is a cheat and a low lying scumbag- he is not worth it and you and the other girls that are out there deserve better.
Good Luck and I hope you make the right decision if you haven't done so already.
1 person likes this
