Do you think FRieNds can be LoVeRs?
By claire03
@claire03 (1443)
United States
September 15, 2007 5:47pm CST
Back before, i mostly have girl friends and rarely have a guy friends. I just prefer having girlfriends. The reason why is that i don't like when guys gives it a different meaning and later on they will court you. I hate when trust gets broken. Honestly, I never really had a man who became just a friend cause it always ends up that they fall in love with me. I didn't want it to happen that way, and i feel frustrated looking for a guy friend sometimes cause i can't find one who won't fall for me or court me in the end. It will make me feel uneasy once it happens that way and then the friendship's never been the same anymore. I try to avoid this situation but sometimes i can't just control how other guys would feel about me, so i jst don't stay close to a guy if i don't have feelings for him. i don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. One time, i thought i really found a guy who can just be a real friend to me cause we knew each other for 2years already but later on he can't hide his feelings for me anymore so he told me, it feels awkward seeing and being with him since then. i don't want to ruin our friendship plus i never really thought he feels something for me more than friendship. He said he tries to control and hide it before since i have a boyfriend but when i broke up with my bf, he told me he has feelings for me. I feel really disappointed but i can't blame him also, i just didn't give in to it since i don't feel anything for him but just a friend and i thought that it wouldn't look good also since my ex knew him. I don't want my ex to think that i am a playgirl and i screwed all my guy friends. i am definitely like that. i treat my friends as friends. well, if it's a different situation maybe i would give him a chance even if i don't feel anything for him but he's really a nice good guy. I just think it's really complicated if friends would be lovers in the end, it also depends in the situation like if no one will get hurt or if you also have hidden deep feelings for your friend then why not? but in my case, it's different cause i don't have any feelings for my friend. How about you? Do you think friends can be lovers or not? tell us if you have a story. :)
6 people like this
35 responses
@Cognition (195)
• Norway
15 Sep 07
If you don't have feelings for the guy and he's in love with you, you'll basically be playing with the poor guy's heart if you give him false expectations by being more than friends.
It's sad when things like this leads to good friendships turning awkward, but you never know, maybe the awkwardness will pass away and the friendship will be back to normal some day if you manage to get past the whole thing.
As for the whole friendly lovers thing, according to Seinfeld "it can't be done". ;) I know some people who have been doing it, but all stories I know end in the whole friendship turning awkward in the end. Some people could probably make it work if they really wanted to, but if people aren't too desperate, why not wait till you get a proper relationship with someone you actually like?
2 people like this
@claire03 (1443)
• United States
16 Sep 07
yes, that's what i always think cognition. i don't like to give false hope, i'd rather tell him the truth even if it will hurt him at first, but at least i've been truthful to that person and he would know when to stop his feelings for me cause it won't go anywhere. It's hard also if you're really close good friends, it like risking your friendship just to say how you really feel for the girl, if you think she doesn't feel the same you'll jst ruin the friendship. :) thanks and have a nice day!
@ashikkalam (187)
• India
16 Sep 07
Yeah,its just about how efficient you communicate.The moment you feel that the friendship is going the other way,express your concern and straighten it out with your pal.After all friends are there to help you out.
1 person likes this
@Cognition (195)
• Norway
16 Sep 07
Actually, coming to think of it, I've been in a kind of similar (but much less extreme) situation myself once. I met this girl in a book store (haha) and we started meeting up several times a week. Then I started getting a bit confused and asked her: "so... do you wanna be just friends or more than friends?" And she said "Just friends?" I said "OK.", and it was a bit awkward for 5 minutes, but the next day everything was fine again. We're still really good friends and spend just as much time together.
I think it's always the best to be honest about these things. You don't want to have a friendship where you can't be yourself. If a situation arises, you bring it up, talk it through, and hopefully you stay friends. If you overcome an obstacle it might just make the friendship stronger;) And if you can't overcome a minor obstacle, the friendship was maybe not meant to be anyway.
1 person likes this
@Mirita (2668)
• United States
15 Sep 07
In my opinion, I think a friend should be a friend and not a lover because if the person has feelings for you it can lead to trouble if you don't feel the same way for them. I think is very difficult for a man to have a friendship with a women unless he is gay or in love with another girl because sometimes they might find you attractive and they may forget that you are just a friend.
@claire03 (1443)
• United States
16 Sep 07
NOTE: just want to correct my post friends, i omit the word "NOT". it should be in the sentence - I am definitely "NOT" like that. hope you'll just try to understand. thanks for the good responses on my discussions. God Bless you all. :)
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22904)
• United States
16 Sep 07
"I think is very difficult for a man to have a friendship with a women unless he is gay or in love with another girl because sometimes they might find you attractive and they may forget that you are just a friend."
Maybe some guys are like that but I have ALWAYS had more male friends than female friends and we never had issues about being friends..BUT I'm really upfront with ppl so IF at any time there were to be advances and i wasnt interested I'd tell them so and all would be fine, we'd still be friends etc....
1 person likes this
@spoiled311 (5500)
• Philippines
16 Sep 07
i agree. i think it is difficult to become friends with ex-lovers. there's just so much attachment. which is why i was really surprised to see a filipino couple who came out on TV (they are singers) and admitted to their love affair. what made the matter surprising was the patched overseas phone call of the man's ex-wife. it turns out that the ex-wife and the current flame are really good friends. and if there is anybody that the ex-wife wanted for her ex-husband, that would be her friend. because she says, she and her ex-husband have irreconcileable differences but that the two have many things in common. gee, but i really admire them.
1 person likes this
@Lifeless (2635)
• India
16 Sep 07
Ofcourse they can be... Friends spend most of their free time together, and they are bound to get closer to each other at times... Infact, most of the love stories start with friendship only... So, its no hard fact that friends can't be lovers... Even I had a friend to whom I was attracted, but she thought otherwise, and we stayed friends after that...
2 people like this
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
16 Sep 07
I'm still in the learning process with regards to this. I do think it is possible, that is, if from the very beginning you already like each other. And it will work if the feeling is mutual.
I can't relate much to how you're feeling because I've never had a female "pure friend" tell me that she's in love with me. But when I try to imagine it, it really feels so awkward and would definitely affect the friendship.
1 person likes this
@jackxav (660)
• Philippines
17 Sep 07
i do agree with you wisedragon,the friendship will relly affected.
@nmhschic2004 (1238)
• United States
16 Sep 07
I really dont think so. I used to think they could. I was in love with my best friend all through high school. He was a great guy and i wanted to try to hide my feelings. But it didnt work out. I couldnt handle keeping my feelings a secret any longer. So i ended up telling him. He had the same feelings for me but he was afraid that it would ruin our friendship. And that really had me heartbroken. And of course i didnt agree with how he felt. Of course there for a while he also tried to deny his feelings. We both has such strong feelings for each other but we were afraid of what would happen. And it did kinda make things weird between us. After a while (after we got outta high school) i realized he was right. It probably would have ruined our friendship. He was basically my rock. Everytime i had a problem with a guy or anyone else i went to him. And if we would have got together and broken up eventually who would have been my rock then? I wouldnt have such a great friend to go and talk to. He is still my best friend today and im glad that we didnt take things further. What ever happened with your friend claire03?
1 person likes this
@claire03 (1443)
• United States
17 Sep 07
when i knew about his feelings for me, i told him that it might be better if we won't talk or see each other anymore, give each other space and time to think. i want help him forget about his feelings for me cause i don't want to hurt him, and it would just deepen if we still see each other. he felt devastated cause he doesn't like my decision but still he respected it. the first month was hard, cause he still emails me and sends me messages but i try to explain to him in a good way what i feel was right and that i don't want to destroy our friendship and i want to be honest with him and i jst don't want him to get hurt by giving him false hope. A few months later he realized i was right and her ex came back to her and he gave her a chance, her ex got jealous of me because he told him about me and his feelings but i told her ex that there's nothing to be jealous about since i don't feel anything about him except jst a friend. i know i hurted him but he understand it is not meant to be us. the next thing i know was he got married with her and she got pregnant. then for the last time, we see each other he said he won't ever forget me whatever happens. Now, that we don't see each other anymore i still wish him all the best in life and i hope he's happy with her. :)
@stella1989 (2274)
• India
16 Sep 07
Well honestly I would say friends can become lovers..!!
After all they know you truely and deeply.
I was the girlfriend of one my school friend but we broke up 4 months ago and we are still friends..!!
And will always remain friends.
Recently my another guy friend proposed me but I felt a little sad as I always took him as my best pal ever but he too proposed me...!! I felt like every guy want just one thing wy cna't they remain friends...!!
I denied cause I take him just as friend.
NOw he is back to normal and will continue being my friend.
:)
@whyaskq (7523)
• Singapore
16 Sep 07
I do not see why friends cannot be lovers as long as both of them deemed it possible to be so. In fact, most lovers start from friendship. When two person get together for long and have developed love beyond friendship, there is nothing wrong in them becoming lovers.
1 person likes this
@ashikkalam (187)
• India
16 Sep 07
The basic problem is in our genes.Guys are wired to fall in love with girls and vice versa.Its really difficult to be a good friend to a member of the opposite esex without having a feeling for him or her.I am not talking about casual friendships,I am talking about deep ones and such friendships have a tendency to blossom into love.But i feel its for the good.
I am of the opinion that only a good friend can become a good partner later in life.A good friend is someone who knows you inside out and its someone like that whom you should be having as your partner simply for the reason that he knows you well and will stay by you when the difficult times come.
1 person likes this
@hailie17 (448)
•
16 Sep 07
Me and my boyfriend were great friends before we got togehter. We used to talk about our relationships and give each other advice and it gradually grew into something more. We didn't want to spoil the friendship so we took it very slowly
We've now been together for eoghteen months and have lived together for4. I now have my best friend and lover rolled into one.
1 person likes this
@blackie921 (519)
• Malaysia
16 Sep 07
I have many best friends.It's like 50:50.Half will be guys and another half will be girls. We will hang out everytime and gather together to celebrate an occasion. I don't have story to tell you here.Just i want to tell you that, there's some friends that will fall in love with each others. But there's also few of them will reject this kind of relationship. They don't want and feel uncomfortable to have best friends become their lover. For me, i think it's all depends on the God. If i really fall in love with any of them,i will try my best to get them. That's me.Have a nice day! ^.^
1 person likes this
@nyumix (1658)
• Belgium
16 Sep 07
Every thing is possible for me. A friend can be a lover. Why nit? I don't think that it is not possible. And I think it's also fine if your friend later on become your lover. Maybe it can happen because you did often meet him or her, and then you both get to know each other very well. From there, maybe you think and maybe feel that you both are a match to become a couple. So go ahead if it happen to you. That's my opinion.
1 person likes this
@wisconsin26 (3859)
• United States
16 Sep 07
Of course they can.. I mean you love a total stranger can you with out knowing them? You have to have something to become in love with someone and not just for looks.. People actually do that though.. When getting to know someone you tend to love them but when you have feelings for them thats when they become lovers of course sometimes you have to control your feelings so you don't have all kinds of lovers.. So yes friends can be lovers...
@archer1811 (1098)
• Philippines
20 Oct 07
I've been into that situation before. Many times since Im on my high school days. The last one was with my officemate few years ago. We've been friends for almost 3 years. I thought that we will stay in that kind of relationship till the end, but suddenly on our 4th year of friendship a friend of ours tell me about the feelin that of this guy friend of mine towards me. At first I didnt take it seriously and continue treating him as what I treated him before. Until one day he really courted me, I have mixed emotions then, and I dont have a boyfriend that time too, though he knew my ex and seen him before. He courted me for many months and still I cant decide what was the right thing to do. I dont have a feelings towards him but I dont want to hurt him too. So I told my friend that I am willing to be his girlfriend in time but I dont want to take it for so long, so I pretended that I love him too and our relationship lasted only for maybe months and the true feelings of mine comes out, that I dont wanted to be with him and I dont want to see him always. But at least I made him dream come true..lol! So when our relationship was ended of course we end up as an enemy.lol! In fairness to him, his parents was very accomodating and sending snacks at my office, the're really a good parents. And got sad when they noticed that we broke up. No regrets at all!
@lisa_wxy (393)
• China
24 Oct 07
it is really uncommon to keep the friendship between boys and girls.it is tend to bring love in.but to me,i am the lucky one that i have some guy friends.we can tell our thoughts and sometimes secrets to each other which we don't want to tell others.all in all,i think trust and care are the most important thing in a relationship.if you cherish the relationship with some one,u should care about him or her,and trust each other.
@clamarco808 (312)
• United States
16 Sep 07
My husband & I were best friends for awhile before it changed. I guess we both didn't want to be more than friends at first because we didn't want to mess up our friendship. It's funny cause alot of people thought we were a couple but we were just hanging out. When we became a couple and then announced we were getting married, it wasn't too much of a surprise. If a person just wants to have or be a friend with benefits, it only ends up a mess if one of the friends ends up falling in love & the other one doesn't feel the same.
1 person likes this
@tzmmmm (39)
• China
20 Oct 07
I think I am not the same.I have some good friends,including girls and guys.They are all my good friends,and they are the same important to me.We enjoy going out and playing together,which make us all feel happy.Once,I fell in love with one guy,who always help me out when I am in trouble,but he didn't choose me finally for some kind reason.Now,we are still good friends,and I think we will be good friend for ever.Our friendship will be stronger and stronger.
