Not looking forward to seeing my sister and maybe won't even go!

United States
November 20, 2007 1:08pm CST
My sister is 2 years younger than me and we never really got along. She has been living in PA for over 30 years and our family lives here in Boston. My mother has been sick for quite a few years now and although my sister "married into money", takes trips to places like England, Australia and recently Thailand just for the fun of it she can't take the time out of her "busy" life to come to Boston and spend any time with our mother. Years ago they had an argument and she basically stopped talking to her and to my brother (younger)and myself. When my mother first got sick I called my sister and asked if she would come to help us out (I don't drive and my brother lives in another city). Her reply was to call her when my mother was dieing! From that day on I couldn't find it in my heart to speak to her again. It's such a long story but even though we grew up in the same house together we have different ideas as to how we grew up. I remember a happy family and although my Dad was an alcoholic he was usually there, always worked and supported the family and there were never any fights or big problems. My sister remembers something quite different and although she did get heavy into drugs in her teen years (something I didn't do) I don't understand how she gets that! The problem is that my mother is quite ill right now and my niece wants to come and visit her. My sister called my mother and said they are coming Dec.5 for 3 days. My mother is happy to see my niece but she's not happy about seeing my sister and I'm worried about what's going to happen when they are together. Of course my mother wants me to be there when they get in but I have such bad feelings for my sister that I'm afraid an argument will start in front of my mother so I don't want to be there at all while they are here. I know when it comes to my mother I get very protective of her feelings and her health and I know it will be very hard for me to keep back the words I really want to say to my sister. What should I do? Should I go to my mother's when my sister is going to be there and TRY to keep my mouth shut? Should I just stay away and hope my mother can handle it because she told me it's going to be hard for her not to say what she feels too and at this point she can't afford to get the least bit upset. Either way I think she will get upset so what should I do?
7 people like this
10 responses
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
20 Nov 07
Gosh ctrymuziklvr! What a pickle you're in! I do feel for you! My advice is this, since your mother asked for you to be there, you should be there. She needs you now more than ever before especially when it comes to your so called sister. I'd bite my tongue and let your mother handle her and if there is an argument then I'd be right there in the middle of it all in defense of your mom. Also with your being there, your mom will be drawing strength from you to endure this hard break. So whether or not you say anything is up to you but yes you should be there for your mom especially since she asked you to.
2 people like this
• United States
20 Nov 07
I can say this now because it's not going to happen but I did decide that I would go and was going to make sure my mother took her medication so she wouldn't get too upset. As it stands right now she's calling my sister and telling her not to come.
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
20 Nov 07
Oh wow. Maybe it's for the best. So very sad but I think it's for the best. Your sister has a rude awakening one day and it may not be any time soon but a rude awakening is in the works. God help her when that day comes. I have to tell you, I have or HAD a sister but my family and I have wrote her off years and years ago. She hurt everyone in our family so badly and had no remorse what so ever. The last time I heard from her she was a couple of hours from me (Texas although we're from Virginia. My husband was in the army) How she got there is beyond me. I tried to reconcile with her but it was no use. In fact, I went looking for her to eat her up alive because she was so cold toward all the information I had given her but I couldn't find her. Just as well for I might have killed the little "B" Anyway, that was about 9 or 10 years ago. Time before that was about 5 years of not knowing anything about her. It's the same way now, we don't know where she is or if she's even alive and what's more, we couldn't care less.
1 person likes this
@ladyluna (7004)
• United States
20 Nov 07
Hello Ctrymuziklvr, I speak from experience when I say: When we commit to an uncomfortable reunion, we can accomodate the biggest jerks, the nastiest human beings, and the rottenest relatives imaginable. If your goal is to bring your Mother happiness by seeing her grandaughter, and bringing your self joy in seeing your niece, then you can put on a plastic smile, and deal with whatever garbage your sister may have to dish out. The old addage: "Our shoulders slope downward for a reason." comes to mind. If you are resolute in your objective, then you have to power to turn off your sister's power to affect you. If you don't let her push your buttons, then she can push 'till she's blue in the face, and you'll still have a pleasant, unaffected smile on your face. And, who knows; maybe she's done some maturing. Just keep reminding yourself about your objective, and you'll sail through the muck! Happy Reunion!
2 people like this
• United States
20 Nov 07
The problem with the whole thing was that I might have been able to get through it but my mother never could have done it. Her blood pressure has been dangerously high and I know having my sister there would only have made it worse. Thanksfully this reunion is probably not going to happen and I give my mother credit for being able to think about herself and call my sister to tell her not to come.
2 people like this
@ladyluna (7004)
• United States
21 Nov 07
Hello Ctrymuziklvr, I'm sure that was a very difficult decision for your Mom. You're right to credit her for recognizing her own limits. Reunion or not, I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. And a special wish that your sister learns to recognize that a loving family is a blessing in life. And, is certainly something to be thankful for. We may not always like our family members. Yet, blood is thicker than water. And, it sounds as though you and your mother were acting out of familial love when you were considering the reunion. Having just lost a brother, I guess I would say that my Thanksgiving wish this year is that all estranged family members might come to a realization that healing the family rift (whenever possible) actually equates to a powerful healing of the self as well. Sorry to inject my own 'stuff' in here Ctrymuziklver. I'm just so acutely aware of family right now. Anyway, you all have yourselves a wonderful holiday!
@nelly5 (1425)
• United States
20 Nov 07
Wow, this is a very disturbing situation you are in. I feel for you and your mother. First of all, I have to say, excuse me for saying this, but your sisters behavior seems very selfish to me. Sounds like she is concerned with the being of only herself. I can't imagine knowing that my mother was ill and not being there for her, even if I lived hundreds of miles away, I would pack right up and be there for my mother. Heck I would be there for my father too, and we never had the greatest relationship! Sounds like your sister is narcissistic. Okay, if your mother wants to see your niece, then obviously seeing your sister would come along with it, being that is her mother. I am not sure how old the child is, but you all must remember that this child (I am sure) loves you all and does not need to get involved in the middle of this situation (not saying that you would involve her). But if you are all in the same place together, the situation could become heated and things could be said that would devestate that child for a really long time or even make her hate someone. I would not want to see that happen. If you are going to be there, which I believe you should be, so that you can be there to back your mother in case your sister starts to act ignorant and say things she shouldn't...anyhow, like I was saying, if you are going to be there, try your hardest to not say anything out of line in front of the child. Also, even though your mother knows how your sister is, I am sure she would be so proud, if after the visit, she can say that you all got along, well at least tolerated each other. I think the best thing for you to do before this visit takes place is to pray about it. I don't know if you believe in God or the power of prayer, but I do and I will pray for you and this entire situation. God's word says, Do not worry about what you will say, go and I will give you the words. I wish you all the best, please keep us up to date on what happens after the visit.
@nelly5 (1425)
• United States
20 Nov 07
I meant to say in the 4th sentence that it sounds like your sister is only concerned with the well being of herself...I left out the word..well. sorry.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Nov 07
My neice is 28 years old and no stranger to everything that is going on. I was actually surprised that she was willing to go along with the whole trip. The good news is that my mother decided to call my sister and tell her not to come. Now I have to see what happens after THAT phone call!
1 person likes this
@nelly5 (1425)
• United States
20 Nov 07
Well that is great that she is an adult. So your mother called her and told her not to come, this should be interesting.
• United States
22 Nov 07
You should go and lay into your sister for not coming any sooner. In another room, far from mom , you should tell her off.You only have one mom and she would have loved to see her, if only for one day.I wouldn't hold it in and try to be polite and you shouldn't have to stay away from mom just because she is coming. Try to have a good time with mom. I hope she feels up to the excitement and business of the holidays.I hope it is the type of illness that can go into remission.Hug mom for me Happy Holidays. Take Care.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
21 Nov 07
It does not seem that you have a very good sister.Shes the kind that wants to run away and lick her wounds..I do not have much respect for anyone that treats their mother like she has, but don't you worry about it, as my Mom use to say quote"every dog has its day"meaning she will pay big time for what she has done.I cannot think of anyone that has had everything perfect in their life...The reason your sister does not see her growing up years as yours is because she is focusing on the negative..I had a good Mom and Dad, they weren't perfect but children are not born with an instruction booklet.She is a grudge holder, and an unforgiving , vindictive type that wants people to feel that she has been wronged..She is the one with the problem, not you..This is my suggestion to you,since you ask.Your Mom wants you there for support,she feels uncomfortable being alone with your sister,since your sister is has treated her badly.I would go for my mothers sake, and i would bite my tongue, and try to focus on your little neice, because this is not her fault..Show her how a loving family is suppose to act, and throw all your attention mostly on your neice, try and be nice since your mom is not in good health,she does not need the stress, it could cause her to have a set back..I understand how you feel trust me , because i have been there..I do not know what you feel about certain things but i have tried this and it does work...Bite your tongue, and remember being kind to your sister will really make her feel like the dog she has been...If you confront she will be the winner, telling her daughter "now you see why i don't want to be there" make a liar out of her by being nice...she is a liar and being nice will bring it out into the open.You can bet your neice will see your sister in a new light, she will even question her Mom for being so mean..One day that very daughter will probably turn her back on your sister like she has turned her back on all your family,she will pay...Good luck to you..Show your sister that you are a bigger person than she is...
• United States
21 Nov 07
I would be there for my mother. If I were you it doesn't matter if your sister was a mass murder or crazy mad woman, you are there not for her but for your mother. My mother means the world to me and I can tell that you love your mother very much too. That ungrateful sister of yours well get hers someday because dear what comes around goes around. Your mother is sick and she wants to see your niece so help your mom out. Whatever you can do within your powers to help your mom. We can do only what is within our powers as human beings but everything else God will do for us. You can not change your ungrateful sister's heart but God can. Take care and good luck.
@Debs_place (10551)
• United States
21 Nov 07
You know ctry, we all have family like that. My older brother - maybe 20 words have been spoken between in 20 years and that includes - Hi and how is it going. His kids, even less then that. My mother has great grandchildren she has never seen. Go there, but rise above it, be a buffer, do it for Mom, for your niece. Maybe you and your niece maybe able to have some kind of relationship. Maybe you could get your sister to chip in financially to help with Mom - for example paying for the cost of a cab for you or to hire people to come in and help.
@elemental69 (1562)
• Ireland
21 Nov 07
I really sympathise with you I really do. Its not going to be easy for either you or your mother. Does your sister want to reconcil with your mother before it is too late? Or is she coming to stir things up? I dont think that you can avoid your mother from getting upset. All you can do is be there for her when your sister and your niece visit. Maybe your sister will have a heart and not start anything in front of your niece?? I wish you all luck and hope everything goes alright.
@mabelk (210)
• Germany
20 Nov 07
That's a very complex situation. Although your mother already told her not to come and this has brought easiness in each of you, still, somehow the thought of "what if" will be there. And one day, one of you would still need to confront their fears or grudges because there will never be true peace in your heart or mind. It would've or wouldn't have been a good opportunity to fix the disagreement within your family. I just hope and pray that if now isn't the right time, hopefully it will be soon and not when it's too late. And I trully believe in the saying that if there's a will, there's always a way.
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
20 Nov 07
My Mom is going through something like this now. My Grandmother lives with my Mom and Stepdad and is wheelchair bound. There are several other family members (siblings, grandchildren, ect.) that my Mom doesn't get along with and some that my Grandma doesn't especially want to spend time with but...they are family. I realize that you and your sister don't get along and I do understand your worry about the stress of them seeing each other. The only thing I can suggest is for to definately be there (your mom needs your support) and try to keep the visit short. I'm not sure what the living situation is but if your mom doesn't feel comfortable having them stay with her, I'd suggest they stay in a hotel while visiting. I'd also put your foot down that if there is any fighting, the visit is over. "COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS" **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~