Have you ever met a lesbian and thought she was a gay man or vice versa?

@cyntrow (8524)
United States
December 22, 2007 10:36pm CST
First, I want to say that I know that not all gay men are effeminant and not all lesbians are masculine. I also know that many straight men are effeminant and I know more than few straight women who are very butch. I understand that there is a wide spectrum of masculinity and femininity in both genders and this is not about that. This is about one person that I met. So, I was hanging out with my brother this evening at a gay bar. His partner was at a gig and he was bored so we went out. This woman approached my brother. She was wearing a suit and her brown hair was cropped short. She had sideburns and she was tall but very thin. So, she and Darren chatted for while I sat at the bar and drank my beer. When Darren came back to the bar I asked, "Is she a friend of yours?" He laughed, "Yeah, her name is Jake." He said. I was actually embarrassed. I had presumed that the man was a lesbian and not a gay man. Funny that it actually bothers me. It makes me feel...I don't know. It was an honest mistake, but was I just falling for a stereotype? So, tell me. Has anything remotely similar to this ever happened to you? Do you think I jumped to a hasty conclusion?
1 person likes this
4 responses
@mummymo (23707)
23 Dec 07
I don't think you jumped to a hasty conclusion sweety , nor do I think you should be embarrased! You are one of the most open and accepting peple that I know and I guess you were just reacting to the way this guy looked - you weren't being mean or nasty - some people just look a certain way and you didn't mean any harm! Have a fantastic Christmas xxx
1 person likes this
@cyntrow (8524)
• United States
24 Dec 07
yes, but I see myself as so progressive. this person really did seem to be other gender. I'm just glad that I only embarrassed myself in front of my brother. Sure, he will never let me hear the end of it, but I know I didn't hurt someone.
1 person likes this
• Australia
17 Apr 08
Hey, as long as you're open minded it doesn't matter. It's an honest mistake to make. It would appear that 'Jake' was either a male identified butch or a transgender butch. A male identified butch is one who feels they should have been born in a male body but by some fluke of nature were born in a female body. A transgender butch is one who sees themselves as existing outside the socially constructed bipolar gender traditions of male and female. In other words they see themselves as a different gender entirely. Note that gender identity is completely different to physical gender. Physical gender is exactly that... but gender identity is a psychological. Whether 'Jake' chose to be with males or females doesn't matter. But from the fact of the sideburns it sounds like she was on testostogen (synthetic testosterone).
@cyntrow (8524)
• United States
17 Apr 08
Actually, Jake is a biological male. But he is thin and short with very feminine features. I just presumed that he was a female.
@cyntrow (8524)
• United States
17 Apr 08
Sorry, I meant to say that he was very thin with short hair and feminine features.
• Australia
17 Apr 08
Oh, sorry cyntrow... when you said that your friend said 'her' name was jake that she was actually a female. Oh well, I make boo boos too
@fpd1955 (2075)
• United States
14 Feb 08
I don't know if it was mistaking a gay man for a lesbian, or just mistaking a man for a woman. You have said in a previous response that Jake looked like a lesbian? I know, you of all people, do not stereotype people. I am assuming (uh-oh) that Jake had a very feminine looking face and that is why you thought he was a woman. Don't be so hard on yourself. It happens. I was in a Gay bar awhile ago and thought a woman was a man. Of course, she had a mustache and goatee, yet was introduced as "Donna". Before I actually met her, I thought she was a man, for obvious reasons. She just preferred that certain look and her G/F liked her to appear that way. PEACE
@cyntrow (8524)
• United States
14 Feb 08
I guess it was somewhat of a situational stereotype; meaning I was presuming that every person in the bar was gay except for me. However, if I had met Jake in the grocery store and relayed the same story, I would have stated that I had mistaken a woman for a man. Oh God, I'm confusing myself. I'll just apologize and admit that I'm not perfect, but forever trying to learn. LOL. Thanks.
@fpd1955 (2075)
• United States
15 Feb 08
Cyn, you don't need to apologize. You are one of the most learned people I know, regarding homosexuality. You try to teach a great many people here on myLot the facts about homosexuality, trying to cancel the myths. It's great that you still learn things. I think that is what makes you such a good "teacher". You are knowledgeable about the subject, yet you keep learning about it. PEACE
@cyntrow (8524)
• United States
15 Feb 08
ah, thanks so much for that. I will forever stand on the front lines and fight for the GLBT community in all it's diversity. But I can never totally know, so I'll forever continue gaining knowledge. Ignorance leads to bigotry Bigotry leads to hate Seek knowledge, banish hate
@anniepa (27240)
• United States
24 Dec 07
I never actually met anyone in that situation but I have seen one or two people that I really don't know to this day what gender they were. At any rate, I sure don't think you have anything to feel bad about, Cyn, I know you're not the type to stereotype people or to jump to hasty conclusions, far from it. The fact is, some people are hard to tell and we all make honest mistakes or honestly don't know for sure "what" someone is! With the people I saw, I think it was at the L.A. airport of all places - you see all kinds there, trust me - I didn't think badly of them or anything like that, it was just a case of sitting there trying to pass time until time for my flight doing a bit of "people watching". I've seen guys already that I'd have sworm were women except for their facial hair! I'm talking heavy make-up and jewelry and clothing that could be for either gender. Annie
@cyntrow (8524)
• United States
24 Dec 07
Oh, I know. It was a gay bar, so the person was 99 percent gay. BUt I really thought....I guess I don't know as much as I thought I did. I'm just glad tat the only person that i was embarassed against was my brother. LOL