What is it about the death of a parent that changes siblings?

Yeah, right! lolol... - joyful family
United States
January 26, 2008 7:19am CST
Since my Mom passed away Jan. 2 my life has become so weird! My brother who I wasn't really close to but did have some contact with became a total jackass and has said some nasty things to me causing me to stop all communication with him. My sister who I have never had any relationship with at all and lives in PA has now become at least my friend and we talk on the phone or email daily. She and I were to the point where we didn't even accept emails from other. My brother has everything I need from the funeral parlor to send out thank you notes to people who sent mass cards and attended the wake and funeral including the religious cards but he won't make an attempt to get them to me. There is so much shi* going on with him that I've had to now stop accepting his emails and phone calls. He has added more stress to my grieving for my Mother so for my sanity sake I had to do it. Why do some siblings do things like this at such a horrible time in their lives? I agree that he's grieving also (lol...I don't believe it but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt)but why does he have to be so nasty about everything? Do you think it's just his true personality coming out (I do!) or could there be other reasons?
7 people like this
7 responses
@danzer (2732)
• Philippines
26 Jan 08
That is common to many homes where there is no real love. Your brother is not concerned about your welfare. He is only thinking of himself. But even if things look dim, don't revenge. Vengeance is the Lord's. Keep your character intact!
3 people like this
• United States
26 Jan 08
I don't feel any kind of vengeange for him only pity. Someday, probably when it's too late he's going to see how wrong he's been and I truly believe that.
@GardenGerty (91055)
• Marion, Kansas
26 Jan 08
I think it makes them think about who they really are. I am glad you are giving the benefit of a doubt. I do not know what to say or how to comfort you about the estrangements that are happening in your family. I know that this is a tough time for you, and I know that it just takes time to get to the other side. Hugs to you my friend, I have been there. Lucky for me, my family is pretty close, although I will say that now that my mom is not here to defend herself my older (half) sister is trying to make her into a real "mommy dearest", and some of that is just the feeling of being an orphan, and maybe feeling like she never could please mom, but you know, no one could. This is not about me, and my family, but about yours, and it would be a good chance to explore your relationships.
• United States
26 Jan 08
My sister had done the same thing for years which is the reason we never got along. I'm the oldest of 3 and she is the middle daughter and according to her my Mom was also a real "mommy dearest" and it was so the opposite. She did finally make peace with my Mom only a month before she passed away and I'm so grateful to her for doing that for my Mom.
@byfaithonly (10716)
• United States
26 Jan 08
I lost my father almost 10 years ago but to be honest I don't think my sisters or I changed a single bit - maybe it just depends on the individuals. My youngest sister was a basket case - she was the only one really close to Daddy. The middle child went balistic over his will - but she's always like that. Me, the oldest cried, forgave him for all the horrible things he had done during his life, and moved on with my life without a father that was never really a father to me anyways.
2 people like this
@creationhub (3070)
• Malaysia
26 Jan 08
I won't go into my details but just to say, I understand what you are going through. I have been through the same situation. Siblings torn apart suddenly for apparent selfish agendas. Today, I live a quieter life even though it is not the ideal family style. Sometimes, it may be the best thing to do.
@pina_land (250)
• Singapore
3 Apr 08
Im relieved when I read this because I finally find someone who has almost experienced the same situation as me. My father passed away 4 years ago. I was very worried at that time as to how my family was going to survive as my father was the sole breadwinner in my family. With me studying aboard, it made the matter even worse. My one and only brother who is also the eldest had promised to help my mother in managing the family's bussiness but as time goes by, my brother seems to have forgotten what he promised. He's become so lazy and want things to do HIS way. If my mother scold him, he would try to argue back. What's more, ever since he has a girlfriend, he neglect his work even more and spend his time and money for his girlfriend who is only 1 year older than me. I really wants him realise what he's become and what he'd promised back then. As for my sister, we've become more bonded though. The only unacceptable change in my family is my brother's behaviour. If I can change his behaviour, I really would like to answer your question about the revealment of true personality.
@Modestah (11195)
• United States
30 Jan 08
grief affects people in different ways, and if you had been the primary care taker of your mother for awhile maybe your brother is feeling guilty for not having been there for her as much as he should have - or maybe he is jealous of the relationship you had for her? who knows, the wound is still so very fresh - try to think nice thoughts of him only and see if time will heal this rift.
• United States
29 Jan 08
It could be the way he is grieving.Everybody grieves in different ways.I am glad that you and your sister are closer.It may take some time but i think you and your brother will be closer too.