Move Aside, Writers' Guilds!

United States
February 8, 2008 5:12pm CST
You can continue with your writers' strike, don't worry! I'll educate the real people on how they can fill in for your place while you're filing for bankruptcy with all those royalties you already get or while you're trying to pander to the Tommy Westphall universe. Here's how to write an episode of House: [House walks into a patient's room.] House [to patient]: You're a stupid loathesome little c*nt and I hope you die a slow and painful death because you're such a f*cking retard. Patient: I am mildly shocked that I am being insulted by a doctor I'm paying out the wazoo to to save my wretched life! House: Looks like I'm still second fiddle to Mr. Bean. Here's how to write an episode of Scrubs: [Dr. Cox walks into a patient's room.] Dr. Cox [to patient]: You're a stupid loathesome little c*nt and I hope you die a slow and painful death because you're such a f*cking retard. Patient: I am completely indifferent to being insulted by a doctor I'm paying out the wazoo to to save my life. Dr. Cox: Allow me to enter my formulaic sarcastic whining. Here's how to write an episode of Lost: J. J. Abrams: It'll be like Survivor, only I'll rip off David Lynch so that everyone will think there's some secret iconic meaning hidden within when there really isn't. Then I'll put in over 5000 characters so that I can digress on subplots that have nothing to do with being on an island because I'm totally out of any real ideas. Here's how to write an episode of any given crime show: First, come up with a villain for the episode. This is done simply by using StumbleUpon to generate two random webpages, combining the extremist stereotypes of the people promoting the webpage, and then claim they're pedophiles. Male Lead [without ever changing facial expressions]: Okay let's get this scumbag. Other Guy: But there hasn't been a crime yet. Male Lead: They're still scumbags, despite the fact that we have not yet met them. Also I am so infinitely smart you all need to ask me for exposition. Female Lead: I am a frigid ice queen, yet I constantly need to address relationships with males, and date only men who are the perfect reason for becoming a frigid ice queen. Also I am prejudiced. Thomas Gibson: Random actions of some guy are indicative of consistent behavioral patterns of violent criminal behavior, simply because my neighbor I just don't like exhibits those behaviors. And despite the fact my assumptions aren't based on any evidence and border on racism, they're always right. Also I so wish that I was Kyle McLachlan. Feel free to contribute with writing ideas on OTHER TV shows!
5 people like this
5 responses
@vivasuzi (4125)
• United States
9 Feb 08
Great! Can't wait to watch your tv shows! Here's how to write an episode of ANY family sitcom: Everything is going smoothly Someone comes up with a wacky plan to get something they want but were told they can't have Multiple wacky things go wrong They get caught They apologize Everything is going smoothly again! Actually this writers strike isn't too bad for me. I'm catching up on reruns of a lot of shows I didn't have time for in the past. Plus, all my reality shows are on now :)
3 people like this
• Atlantic City, New Jersey
9 Feb 08
Awesome Awesome Awesome- I love this post!!! and I couldn't agree with you more on the stupidity of this strike. There are plenty of people out there struggling for a shot to be a writer- I say give these people a chance to fill thier spots- it just may work out in the end!!!
@jormins (1224)
• United States
8 Feb 08
You make a very good point. What gets me most with the strike is the people that try to explain it to me (like on Late Night TV which has been pretty fresh without writers, a little kooky but funnier sometimes) that they are fighting over pennies. If its only over pennies then why is it automatically the studio's fault? Normally I'd side with the strikers but this is no strike at all. Letterman's writers can work but not Leno's. One award show can't go on the air but the SAGs and others are fine. Its BS, these writers are trying to play God in Hollywood and all they are doing is hurting the Hollywood economy (the small people) and pissing us off. My favorite line on tv I forget what terrible show but it has 6 fertility doctors in one office who married each other or something at 1 time: "It's like Rambo time in my t*sticles" Yes we need the writers back. I could never write that line.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
9 Feb 08
I guess the point is that some of the writers are not showing enough imagination to wirte for any Tv show. I doubt that House will talk to a patient that way, except to tell him to "get the hell out of bed and stop wasting my time. You're not sick." Patient starts convulsing when trying to lift himself up. At which time one of House's team calls for the crash card. I woke up just a while ago so I am still a bit tired to remember names. I really should write the names down somewhere in case I want to write a House fan fiction.
@ohwellie (140)
9 Feb 08
I understand what you're saying, but writers use those plans so that there's a frame for the audience to recognise and to make the writers lives easier. You need continuity for a series to be a series, and especially in America where you have so many writers working on one series you need ground rules like these it all goes to pot. as to the writer's strike, I agree with their reason for stiking, but not the way they've acted.
1 person likes this