Loving the people that the people you love love.
February 20, 2008 2:28am CST
Yeah try saying that one fast a few times huh? In short, whether my frineds are right or wrong, behaving badly or just being them in their relationships, I try never to choose sides in their arguments nor get drawn into them and I always try to find the redeeming qualities in the people that they choose to spend time with. Like a friend of mine and my boyfriends. He is married and has been conducting an affair with a much younger girl for about 3 1/2 to four years. When he is not with the girl he goes home to his wife and grown daughters. He is extremely family oriented and even spends many of his days babysitting his daughter's 3 year old daughter Caleese. His family welcomes him at home and behaves as though nothing is amiss though they are well aware of where he is when he is not home. They have obviously come to some kind of terms with it. So I try to like this little street urchin that he has introduced into our cirle. It is hard on her to be the other woman too, I am sure. She catches a lot of flak from the other people in our group sometimes too, because everyone is quite fond of his wife and family and most of our friends have known him for many many years. Most of our friends unconsciously and sometimes intentionally and agressively with the wife and the family. We spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas nestled within the bosum of his family and the family in general seems unperturbed. Don't get me wrong the daughters hate the girlfriend and would beat her to death if they could but they simply behave as though she doesn't exist and wasn't caught in their mother's bed with their dad on Valentine's day last year. So I figure if they are not bothered by it, why should I get all worked up in defense of people who do not appear to feel the need to be defensive or defended. My boyfriend though, he is another story altogether. He very actively hates on the girlfriend. In fact it would be fair to say that he cannot stand her! In fact he makes no bones about the fact that he can't stand her to our friend and even goes as far as to tell our buddy that he doesn't want the woman in our house, or anywhere around him. Which I feel forces the friend to choose between his best friend and the girlfriend. This is not a contest that I feel is healthy because they are pulling the emotions and mind of someone who is already split, conflicted, and pulled in too many different directions at the same time already. I keep trying to tell him to try to like her. I mention the few good qualities that we have witnessed. I shush him when he goes on a rant about her. And as always I strive to be friendly and welcoming. As I said it is not neccessarily all her fault, and it is, I am sure difficult for her whshe is verbally and emotionally attacked by our other friends. She must feel alienated and ostracised. It is sometimes hard to like the people that your friends choose, and it is even more difficult when your friend is in this type of situation but someone has to take the high ground and jusdge the girl for herself not for what her boyfriend chooses to do. It is not her hurting his family it is him. She is not married, nor does she have any other boyfriends so her side of the street to my way of thinking is relatively clean when compared to his. What do you think?
20 Feb 08
I think you have shown wisdom and grace in addressing the situation.There are two sides to every coin,and we do not always get to see the full picture of what we are confronted with.In reference to your boyfriend,he is simply speaking his truth,all you can do is allow him his thoughts on this,perhaps all that is required of you is to be a avenue for him to allow his frustration out.Guess all depends on how long you wish to allow it.sometimes you also have to speak your truth if all this is upsetting to you.If nothing else one could say..get over it?"Oh what tangled webs we weave"...lol Good luck with it all.