should i hate my mother?

@rhane7315 (5673)
Philippines
April 10, 2008 8:53am CST
why does she have to be so mean on me? am i adopted or what? i think i don't deserve this kind of treatment! it's not fair that she's always in favor of my 2 brothers. i don't care if she's their favorite (or are she just afraid of them?) as long as she's fair on 3 of us. if she hates me, it's better if she says it straight on my face and i would accept that whole heartedly. all she does was look in all the things that i've done wrong and get mad at me all the time. she never appreciates all the good things that i've done for her and she always feel that she has a clean conscience but i know that she also has done so many wrong things and she always thinks about herself and likes to buy some things for herself and didn't think if it would be useful or not. in other words, she's not practical. she loves to buy a dress, jeans, bags and sandals and i can see her that she buys that stuffs like every month and my cousin asks me if what does my mother do to those things that she's buying and i just told her that i don't know. like for example, was when i told her my secret that i have a crush on this guy and not to tell anybody and next thing that i know was she was talking to the mother of my crush (which was her friend) then she told her that i have a crush on their son. that's very embarrassing for me argh! and another one was when i called her and told her that me and my boyfriend were about to break up that time (but we're back already ) and i told her that don't tell anyone about it and just keep it as our secret. when i got home, my aunt who visited us, approached me and ask me if that was true. i was so shocked . i mean, i thought that secret was only our secret, how come she told everyone. then i asked my aunt where did she heard that, she told me that my mother told her. that was the second time she broke that promise as to keep my secret. and another one was when my father gave me a gold dangling earrings (which was very pretty) as a gift. she said that she'll keep it so that i don't lost it and i should only wear it during special occasions. what really pisses me off is that she pawn it without my permission and the next thing i know was when the pawnshop sends us some notice that the earrings that she pawned from them was going to be on auction if she doesn't pay the money she borrowed from the pawnshop. if she really was a good mother, she had informed me first before proceeding to the next step. and whenever we argue, she always wanted to be the one who's right even though everybody knows who's really right about the thing that we're arguing. what an ego. she won't let herself loose to other people even though she knows that she's the wrong one. i'm so fed up with her attitude that sometimes i always think that i should runaway from home but my bf doesn't want me to do that. another thing that happened earlier was when i'm going to school, i asked her for some money and she just give me 120php= $3. i just give her a big sigh and she told me that i shouldn't complain because we're a little bit short on money. i just though to myself "oh really? how come you give Michael (big brother) a huge amount of money yesterday if we're short on money? is it because she's afraid of him? well he just wastes her money on buying cigarettes and beer anyway." then she said that if we're not short on money she's not selfish and she just gives us extra money and it pisses me off and i told her it's true especially when it comes to my 2 brothers but when it comes on me, it's definitely a lie. then i also added that when it comes on giving our allowances, she gave my brother a full $125 and my brother just only spend those money on buying some cigarettes, beer and a non-sense motorcycle parts because he wants to show off to his friends and some of his expenses in school and other miscellaneous was not covered in that $175. but when it comes to me she just only give me $75 (but our deal was $125 every month lol) then she said that in that $75, i should use it wisely and save it because it's only good for a month and if i needed to buy some miscellaneous i should use it, but it was not her problem if i spend all of it. and she expects that i have some money to lend her when she's out of money. how can i save money if she only gives me an exact amount lol and that's not fair! and then later when my younger brother goes out to buy something, she gives him $3.75 which was not really really fair! i feel like i'm an outcast in this family. you can give me a negative rate on this discussion if you want to, but this is what i always feel about my mother and i think she has changed a lot. i'm not after the money and that's not my point and my point here is that she should be fair in the 3 of us. is it really that hard to do? or does she hate me?
3 people like this
17 responses
@Darkwing (21588)
10 Apr 08
I just have two sons, but so many times, I've seen this type of mother/daughter situation, usually between the ages of fourteen and eighteen/nineteen in girls. Sometimes it's because the mother is too protective of her daughter, and others, I really think she's jealous. With your mother, and in the incident of the earrings your father gave you, the latter would appear to be the case. I think she wanted to take the earrings from you, and pawn them, because your father bought them, and she was jealous. You mother hasn't learned how to cope with you as a maturing teenager, so you must try to learn to get through the period in the best way you can. Agree with her some more... appear not to notice she's favouring your brothers or treat it as though it doesn't matter to you. It's hard... but, always try and avoid getting into arguments with her. I'm wondering if you help around the house, in doing chores and things, like cleaning your own room, doing your own laundry, etc. Yes, your mother seems selfish to you, but are you rebelling by being stubborn and selfish too, because if you are, that's not the way to maturely handle the situation. By all means, if you feel you're not being treated fairly, then try to sit down and talk to your mother about how you feel, or failing that, ask to call a family meeting, and thrash it out that way. If your brothers agree with you, then your mother will very likely be persuaded by what they say to her. In the interim, try to keep peace with her, and help out around the house... even run a few errands, so that she appreciates you more. If she picks a fight, tell her that you really don't want to fight with her, as deep down, you love her and there's been enough hurt. Start afresh, and see if that does the trick. As you grow older and have your own kids, you will find how difficult it is to keep the peace in a household, I'm sure. Brightest Blessings, in the hope that I've been of some help to you.
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
yeah i also think she's jealous because me and my father we're much closer to each other even though we only see our father for about 2-3months every year because of his work. my father also hates the attitude of my mom because she's always tolerating our eldest brother even though it's wrong and when in terms of money. she loves to spend like there was no tomorrow. and the bad thing is, she's not the one who's working hard to earn money for our everyday living. all the money that we have and we spend comes from our father hard work at least she should think about saving a little bit, not spending every cent of money that she have until she runs out
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
P.S. well in 3 of us, my mother always relies on me when doing some household chores
@Darkwing (21588)
11 Apr 08
Hmmmm, it seems to me that she is definitely jealous of your relationship with your father, is using your eldest brother for a "security replacement", and punishing you because of your relationship with your father, and he for the same reason. I guess she kind of feels she lost your father to you, and that's where the drinking and spending comes in. Money is a comfort to her, so she shares it with your brother because she feels he's being left out to? She has a huge problem to overcome, my friend. Maybe you could talk quietly with your father and he will understand and be able to sort things out? I mean, if he gave the allowances to you all personally, rather than leave it to her, maybe that would iron out the difficulties with equality? It's a difficult situation you're in!
@checapricorn (16066)
• United States
13 Apr 08
Have you tried to confront her about it? heart to heart? Have you talked to your dad about it and asked him why you mom is like that to you? If not, maybe it's perfect time to do it, I was just reading your story but really I can feel the way she treated you and it is very obvious that she has some favorite and It's not suppose to be that way. I have known several parents and they admitted that, among their kids, they have that favorite for some reasons but they are trying so hard not to make it very obvious to them since they don't like to hurt the feelings of their kids! I can say, your mom is like weird! I'm sorry to use the word but she is acting like she is not your mother, she is just acting like a elder or younger sister, you know what I mean? like in a siblings, you can't avoid that there is some jealousy or rivalry for some reason! She needs to be confronted what she is doing! Im wondering how your dad react on this issue?
1 person likes this
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
14 Apr 08
i agree with you lol my friend also says that she's kinda weird and haven't seen a mother like that. well my mother didn't admitted that she has a favorite among the 3 of us. but i'm not blind lol i can see the way how she treats us differently. i haven't talked to my father regarding about this situation 'coz we only see him every year because of his job
@Al_Bobid (89)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
You should not hate your mother. As a matter of fact your should not hate anybody. Hate is such an bad feeling to harbor. Hate affects your mood, health and and mental state. If you want to live longer don't hate... But LOVE...
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
yeah you're right. how can i remove my hatred from her even though she's mean on me? any suggestions?
@lishiwei (1553)
• China
11 Apr 08
I think you shouldn't think it like that.My sister also say that to me.But I don't think of that.May be you would say I was the boy,not her.But I think my mother really do fair of us.If you really have something should be helped I believe that she must be will do her best to help you.The reasone why she don't allew you do something is has her reasone and she may be think you are wrong to do that. So,no matter what happened she really love you forever.I think may be you will undersdant her in the future.
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
well i guess she doesn't trust me that much
@subha12 (18453)
• India
11 Apr 08
i completely understand your case. now look there can be many reasons for it. may be its said that mothers more often are jealous of their daughters when they are growing up as psychologically they think that daughters are taking her place as she is growing older. Its case in most families. mothers don't like daughters so much. Again may be she is obsessed with male children? its there in many countries where daughters are looked down always. even mothers forget they are themselves females.
1 person likes this
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
maybe you're right. i think she's kinda crazy lol when we're in good terms she always tells me that we should be best friends and that i must be also close to her because we're the only females in our family but all she does was talk about that kind of thing and doing nothing at all. how can i be close to her if she's mean on me
1 person likes this
@fireyou (41)
• China
11 Apr 08
I think it probably because you are a girl.In the past of china,there were the same case.but it just a surmise of mine. I think mabey she doesn't hate you,what she think is boys are more important.Anyhow,you should become stronger,you should control you life by youself.Don't wish that you mama could change her attitude.it is external . All you need to do is stand on your our own feet. That is what I want to say! Best wishes to you!
1 person likes this
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
yeah and that's what i've been doing right now. thanks
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
To hate my own mother? oh, i can't. because that's the worse thing i can do in my life. our mother brought us in this world to live, and to love them .with out them we are not here in this world. she carried me for nine months in her womb. how can i hate her as the youngest of the family of nine, i know she had many sacrificies for us. i just imagine taking care of nine siblings is very hard and yet we did not heard her complaining. She showed us her loved, of course with the help our father who taught us to be patient and loving. so how can we hate our own mother (parents)?
1 person likes this
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
i bet your mother's attitude is far more different from my mother
• China
11 Apr 08
I can understand your feelings very much. But i think you shouldn't think you are unfair . And don't think she's always in favor of your two brothers . she might have her own difficulties. Because she has three children to raise . And maybe she think you are a very nice girl , understanding her very much and listening to her . So she gives your a few money and let you save it . But maybe your two brothers are bigger than you .They need some money for their social occasions. So maybe your brothers need a little more money than you . And don't hate your mother . And i think your mother doesn't hate you either . If she hates you , she would not give you any money . And communicate with your mother if you have any ideas about anything . Maybe after that , you will understand your mother and your mother understand you .
@itsmepinky (1301)
• India
10 Apr 08
Well i think you should try and out yourself in her shoes and then judge and analyse it out yourself. even after doing that you need to seriously talk it out to her , maybe involve your family members in the conversation also. But after all this , things dont change then you are right to have that kind of hatred for her. But think twice before coming to any conclusions as you might repent your decisions later. Take care ~pinks~
1 person likes this
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
10 Apr 08
she's always like that even when i was a kid and i think that it really gets worse as time goes by
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
11 Apr 08
Before I can answer this, I need to know how old you are. You sound very young but your profile says that you are 22. Once I know how old you are, i think I can maybe give you some advice.
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
lol i'm already 22
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
11 Apr 08
Ok so at 22 you are an adult. You mentioned school so I assume you are in school and rely on mom to provide you a home? Is there any way you could get a job for on the weekends and maybe save for a place with a friend? Even if you were unable to do it right off, it'd give you something to look forward to. Plus it would get you out of the house and give you a bit of space from your mom. Is your mom single? Maybe she is overly stressed. I'm not defending her behavior but if she is providing for her grown children still, maybe she is stressed. You said she was afraid of your brother. Is there an older relative you could talk to about your situation?
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
14 Apr 08
my mom is not single. maybe she's longing to our dad because our dad works abroad and only comes home once a year because of his contract. i guess i could talk about this situation to my cousin but he also doesn't like my mother's behavior as well and just giving me an advice that i should let my father know about it
• China
11 Apr 08
i have no brother or sisters,but i can understand your feeling.to change the position which you are standing in your mother's heart is not easy.however,maybe we are wrong,maybe your mother loves you in a way that we can't undersdand.i think our mother should be our best friend,i hope you can have a good relationship with your mother in futher.i hope you can have a happy life ,too:)
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
maybe you're right about that but i hope she's not that kinda selfish when it comes on me
• China
13 Apr 08
tell you the truce that my grandmother was very selfish to her children though i love her so much .as a result my uncles don't treat her well.i can not agree with them ,but if the mother is very selfish to her children all the time ,how can she requir her sons treat her well when she gets old? however,in my opinion, if we cann't change our mother ,we just fulfill our own duties.because,whatever she does is wrong,she gave our lives,right?:)
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
14 Apr 08
you're right
@madlees (1381)
• India
10 Apr 08
You'll change dear as days go by. All the daughters find fault with their mothers at least once in their life time. They think that they'll do a better job when they become one. but later when they get to the mother's role and her daughter takes over you seem to get the same things back. Same type of comments. But I can assure you these are for normal mothers. I have also feltlike that, that my mother is partial towards her son. don't think i have changed , till now I have not been able to change. But I have not shown that partiality to my kids. Both can never tell me that. since I had suffered that way ( just like you in many ways) I didn't let it happen in my life. Now both my kids are quite grown up and are leading a life away from me , but are very close to me. I hope you'll be a better mother to your children in your time. But if you can , try to forgive her. Not all are made of the same type, some are selfish and some are generous. Not even our fingers are of the same type. So accept what is there and forgive her, accept her. I am telling you as a mother. All the best
• India
10 Apr 08
Sorry Aunty. She had have full angry with her mother at her neck. I think she had started more discussions regarding the same matter. Thats why i responded rude (may be feel funny) in the response responded above. Thanks to you to giving your nice advice to her. Waiting for your friendship request.
@madlees (1381)
• India
10 Apr 08
Dear manozzkumar, Thanks for calling me Aunty. I like it, don't worry. There are many even me when I was in teens and may be for a long time after that are like this. We find fault with our parents , at least one of them. We think we'll do better than them, but a time comes when we come to know that we are also from the same mould. None of us ever change. That's why all say Like mother like daughter and like father like son etc. She'll also learn that one day but I do hope that it'll never get late. All the best
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
10 Apr 08
thanks for giving me such advice. i'm really hoping that what you've said to me will come true sooner
• United States
11 Apr 08
WOW! I could never take money from my children, I give them everything I have not as a allowance but 20 here or 5 there when they need something. I'm there mother I work for them to have things they need in life. But I grew up with my mother like yours in a way (If you read my discussion on have you forgived your mother?)you will understand. My sisters always got new clothes while I got handmedowns from them. Or the clothes from the church shop thats free and used. Just love your mom and remember people grew up different and she is doing only what she knows how to do. But I know that she loves you but maybe its hard because she thinks you can see the real person inside of her because your female and your brothers not. Anyway you do the best you can in this life and be forgiving some people cann't help the way they are. But we should still be there for them even if they can't be there for us. :)
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
thanks for the advice, i appreciated it should i tell my father about the way she treats me? or not?
• United States
13 Apr 08
You should tell your father, how you feel you are being treated and how it is effecting you amotionally. No one should carry burdens on them it is very unhealthy.
1 person likes this
• India
15 Apr 08
Can I have a question that anyone of these beautiful responses changed your mind?
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
15 Apr 08
i guess some of them lol why you ask?
• United States
11 Apr 08
Mom's can be a pain sometimes, but no matter what, she is your mother. It is up to you if you want to stand by her or if you want to separate yourself from her. I do not think that she hates you, she just does not understand you or know how to communicate with you. If she really hated you that much, she would have gotten rid of you along time ago. She may not like what you do, but that does not mean that she hates you.
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
i think you're right. even though she's like that, i still love her but sometimes i get hurt when i see that she was always giving her all attention to our eldest brother
@sisco100 (2345)
• United States
11 Apr 08
its ur choose, personaly u can hate some one as much as u want but wht is it going to do. theres no point in hating parents, cuz no matter wht there still ur parents. there are better things to be mad about or at the parents.
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
11 Apr 08
yeah, i wish i can hate other people rather than her
• India
10 Apr 08
If you are feeling hard with your mother, you can leave her from your mind. If it feels rude to leave your mother in your mind, you can proceed with your present position. The free mind makes you relieve from your past feelings. Feel tolerance. If you are feeling iam a rude person (as i advised you to feel free from your mother), then you can scold me by adding a comment here.
@rhane7315 (5673)
• Philippines
10 Apr 08
i don't wanna scold you but i think you're right. thanks for responding here