Stepparents - How do you feel about yours?

United States
April 15, 2008 6:12pm CST
I believe that my stepmom is the reason why I don't have a relationship with my father. Before they got married, he was at least part of my life from time to time. When they got married, I didn't even get told by my dad - I read it in the newspaper that they got their marriage license. Shortly after that, the phone calls and visits started to fade. Now that I'm almost 24 with children of my own, I long for that relationship with my father. Some of you may of seen my post before about my father not being a part of my life because I won't let his wife be called Grandma by my kids. I recently sent him a message and I duplicated it to his wife because I know she gets online more than he does. This wasn't my way of trying to get her to rely a message to him, I just wanted to make sure that he was going to see it sooner than later. The response that I got was - Karri, I've told you before that I'm not going to be the go-between with you two. I'm not going to give him the message, he can find the message on his own. I feel that as his wife, she should be encouraging him to have a relationship with his daughter and grandkids! How do you feel about my situation? Do you have any crazy stories about your stepparents?
3 people like this
12 responses
• United States
15 Apr 08
i had a stepdad growing up and he made my life impossable he keep me from seeing, talking and being with my real father, he would disconnet the phone line if he heard me on the phone with my dad and my mother was no better this man was her world and i got punished everythime i spoke out about him doing this she used to say "he's your father now" i would throw fits trying to get thrown out the house so i could be with my dad im all grwon up now 31 and my dad only got see my son when he was 1 yrs old and he doesnt know he has a granddaughter because till this day i or any of my other family memebers know where he's at. but thats just a little bit of my story because this man did alot more, so i understand were your coming from.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Apr 08
Hi WANDALIE44. I can totally relate to your situation with your stepdad/father. My mom met my stepdad when I was still in diapers, and I think that's what made my real dad step back with me. I would see my dad on holidays and birthdays, like I said but other than that he wasn't really around. My stepdad would talk ill of my dad and constantly say things about how he didn't want me. I would also have to blame my stepdad for my self esteem issues today. He would always tease me about my weight and he teased me all the time when I was a teenager dealing with pimples, etc. Our relationship was never that great, when I turned 18 years old.. I didn't get a happy birthday, I was told that I better be careful with all that I do now because he could put me in jail. Nice? When I was growing up, I don't really remember all that has happened so I don't know who to believe. Of course, my dad has his story and my mom has hers.
• United States
15 Apr 08
Wow - this is always such a difficult subject!!! Okay, as a step kid - it was my mom's and stepdad that made it difficult for my biological father to be a part of my life. As a step mom - you are coming into a situation where you are always going to be the outsider. It's no win - no matter what you do, either its "your not my mom" or "you don't feel the same because they're not your flesh and blood". My question to you is why is it a problem if your kids call your stepmom grandma? She may not be by birth, but how long has she been in their life? Are you sending the message that she's somehow less? If so, can you really blame her for not trying to foster this relationship? The blame here seems to reside in your dad & yourself. If you can't call her stepmom, then at least acknowledge her as your dad's wife. If she's been in your kids life all their life, then why isn't she "grandma"? Does she treat them different? Does she make them feel less? If not, does it matter what they call her? As for your dad - he probably feels uncomfortable introducing a new person into the family dynamics, especially if you have let him know a new person would not be welcome. I would suggest you be the bigger person - is it hard to do? Yes, of course! Are you capable of it? I'm sure you are. All of that being said - As a stepmom, I realize I AM the outsider and work my a$$ off to have a great relationship with my husband kids. Finally, after 8 years of marriage, it has paid off, but in the beginning, the one of the three kids DID NOT want to accept me, period, end of discussion. I have worked very hard to make her a friend, but it has all been on my part. Would I ever change that? Once again, no, but was it incredibly hard work to ignore the slights and comments - heck yes! Cut them both some slack, just because they have found happiness in each other doesn't make you or your children less, and if they choose to treat them or you as such - then they're not worth your time getting upset.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Apr 08
I think you hit the nail on the head!! not much I can add to that..
@cream97 (29168)
• United States
15 Apr 08
My stepmom and I hardly talk. But she has told my father that she does not want any of my pictures in her house. I am not ugly either. She even told my father not to help me get my driver's license. She is trifling! We have talked in the past and she seemed to be nice. My dad says that she is jealous of me and my sister, because she was unable to have girls for her children. She has only two boys and no girls. She wants girls with my father.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Apr 08
cream97, Thank you for responding to my post! I will never understand how some stepparents feel that it's okay to do this. I was always taught that if you married someone with kids, they come as a package deal. If you can't accept the kids, you don't accept your partner. That's my opinion. If my husband had kids with another girl, I would want pictures of them in my home. I love my husband, and if he had children they would be a part of him as well. Plus, how can you keep your own kids from knowing their siblings? Jealousy is no reason to act the way that she does. If she was unable to have girls of her own, why not embrace what god has given her with her husband? You and your sister shouldn't be ashamed, she's the one losing out on a wonderful opportunity.
@jennifer611 (2502)
• United States
16 Apr 08
this is kind of hard to answer but at the same time I can kind of relate. I was 14 when my parents split and 18 when my mom got remarried to another guy. I didn't like him at all! lol I have kids of my own and just like you I didn't want my kids referring to him as a grandparent. I felt like, only my dad is the grandpa and I'll never even refer to this man as my step parent, only my mom's husband. there was a time after I had my 1st son that I needed a place to stay and my mom refused to let me stay there because she said she was married now so I couldn't come back. I felt like she chose him over me and that hurt me pretty bad. when they got married I knew that they were going to get married but my mom wouldn't tell anyone where or when. she told us after it was over with and only invited her parents and his parents. again I was hurt by that. but ya know, I guess it's their life. they raised us and now they let us go. it hurts bad to not have the same mom I used to have, we use to spend a lot of time together. but we both have lives of our own. I have kids and a family of my own and she has her family. I realize now that she is happy and finally with someone who treats her the way she should be treated. I think that if the situation is really painful and your really hurting for time with your dad, you should get ahold of him and let him know you would like to at least spend a few hours or a day with him. maybe even him and his wife and your family doing something together now and then. he is married to her, so really you have to accept her as his wife. and accept that she is going to be around. that doesn't mean you need to call her mom or the kids call her Grandma, but atleast treat her with respect so that your dad and you can have the best relationship possible. I wish you lots of luck.
@signum (547)
• Australia
16 Apr 08
I am in the opposite position. As far as I am concerned, the best thing my father ever did was divorce my mother and marry my step-mother. She's everything my mother should have been, and the older I get, the more I think of her as my mother, not step. She and my father did everything for me, from keeping me clothed, to paying my school fees, to helping me pay the rent when I couldn't afford it. They are a blessing. My mother and I hardly talk, infact I consider her to be extremely manipulative, and does anything she wants to get her own way. When it became obvious to her that I was far more interested in spending time with my father and his wife and my half sister, she stooped low enough to say that my father raped her. I know rape is no laughing matter, but I know for a fact, 100% that he did NOT do this to her. Ugh, evil old bat. I hope that you can work things out with your step mother, and I hope that one day you two can get along enough to be peaceful and good to each other, as like it or not, as long as she's married to your father, your kids will grow up with her around. Maybe she just doesn't know how to deal with children at all, adult or young. This might be more likely if she does not have kids of her own. I don't know, just wild guessing. :-) Don't let it get you down.
@mefadon3 (298)
• United States
16 Apr 08
I have been in this situation before. My mother remarried 10 years ago, but I did not let her husband come in between us. I had to grow up and love my mother enough to allow him in to her life. I did not agree with the marriage but I looked at the big picture. I extended my love to my mother and overlooked the fact that she remarried. You do not have to have your grandkids call your dad's wife, grandma if you do not want to, but explain to them the situation that went on. You could give your step mom a different title, but it does not have to be grandma. You should also love your father, enough to support his decision and just be cordial to your step mother. You will be surprised on how much you will grow as a person and how much you will please your father. My mother is very pleased with me, because I decided to love her instead of being a hindrance to her husband. I love my mother's husband, I do not like him, but I respect him as a person and love him because God made him.
@Warmedal (397)
• Sweden
16 Apr 08
Well, My mom and dad separated in april last year so it is exactly a year ago. My dad "found" a new lover almost at the same time they separated and she is not.. I dont know. I cant say that my mother is good looking, but his new partner look like crap, When I visit my dad she almost never speak and she is more gray than colored in the face, I feel like I'm colorblind when I see her. My dad has changed alot this year too, he complain about everyting I want him to pay. Like my car(which I bought anyway) and other stuff, he give priority to himself alot more than his kids (me and my two sisters). I don't speak/talk/see him very often these days, I wish that will change in the future.
@sacmom (14315)
• United States
16 Apr 08
I'm not too crazy about either of mine, though I try to at least be civil with them. My stepmother was actually my dad's mistress years ago. Once my mom found out, it was the end of my parents marriage. Well, my mom and dad did try to work it out for a few weeks, though in the end my dad left. My sister and I did get invited to his wedding a few years later as well as the wedding reception that was held a few months after the wedding. I do keep in contact with my dad mostly through email. We haven't seen each other in years, though that's probably my fault and has nothing to do with my stepmother. We are both busy leading our own lives... I wasn't invited to my mom's wedding when she married my stepfather, but that was because it was held clear across on the other side of the country and I'm not the traveling type. I don't like the fact that my mom pays all their bills with the money she earns from working (and here she just turned 67 years old) as well as gives my stepfather an allowance, even though he has his own money coming in, but that is her choice to do so, even if I think it isn't right.
@Rosekitty (19441)
• San Marcos, Texas
16 Apr 08
Since My Parents were married for 51 years and then my father passed..my Mother remarried 13 yrs ago and i'm very happy with my Step father since he treats my mother like a queen..as long as she's happy i am!
• United States
16 Apr 08
I feel great about my stepfather, he came into the picture before I can even remember. My father basically walked out on me and my mom before I was even a year old. I have never seen my father, I just recently been in contact with my grandfather who before I hadn't seen in years. I have see my stepfather as my real father, he has been there when I needed him. He has had back before on things and I have had his back. Now, I am perfectly fine with the fact that I may never see my biological father again. He didn't want to see me grow up, so I don't want to see him when he is older and "wiser." A example of how close me and my stepfather is this, back in October his mother was put in the Critcal Care Unit after suffering two strokes in one day. His family treats him poorly, But when I am around he almost treated like a king. I let his brother know it to, he thought he was going to shoot off at the mouth. I made it known that if he did, he would be looking up from the floor at me instead of from his feet. After that he was nice as could be to my stepfather, his family is actually starting to treat him better. The sad part though is that he wouldn't go see his mom if I did not go with him because he knew that would start on him(He basically became the black sheep when he got together with my mom.)
• United States
16 Apr 08
I think she sounds like shes not helping the situation at all BUT I think your dad has a brain of his own and his own fingers to dial a phone and his own mouth to talk with. Im saying this becuase of the situation with my girls dad, I dont think his GF helps the situation AT ALl esspecialy after I talked to her and she sounds like a drama queen out to do what she can to cause problems but I think there dad also has two girls that HE never talks to an dshe cant stop him from doing that....only HE can..
• United States
15 Apr 08
This is the topic of my life! I am 24 with two wonderful children who have food allergies and special needs. My children are 7 and 3 years old. We live in the basement apartment of my father's house. My father remarried this past September and all has been down hill since then. His wife has always questioned the "validity" of my children's problems, and now he's been jumping on board right next to her. They make some rediculous comments as well. About two weeks ago my son had a cut on the inside of his pinky finger that I felt needed stitches, and I wanted a doctor to decide. My father's wife was actually annoyed that I brought my son to the ER, and asked if I begged the Drs to give him the stitches. They are always on my rear about my apartment, and will even unplug my internet if they feel it is not clean enough. I am a mother of two children, yet I am still getting things taken away as a form of punishment for not listening, or doing what I'm told. 99.9% of this stems from my father's new wife, and it is beyond irritating and a lot of it is getting very old!