Killing them with kindness.

United States
May 8, 2008 9:38am CST
Have you ever been told when someone upsets you turn around and smile then kill them with kindness? Has it ever been effective for you? Do you think that killing them with kindness is kind of ironic? Do you do this often? Do you have a story of how you used this method?
8 people like this
19 responses
@novataylor (6572)
• United States
8 May 08
I can't think of any specific examples of when I've done this, but I've done it, Bella, for sure, many times in my life. It can work so beautifully too and leave the person speechless or so flustered, it's a wonderful thing to see happen. It also keeps you on the high road and gives you the upper hand too, because it so throws the receiver off balance. If you can do it, 'cause it's hard, it's a great way to respond to meanness or cruelty or just general bad-tempered people. Good discussion, Bella, you should get some good responses to it.
3 people like this
• United States
9 May 08
yeah I have let the discussion sit for a day and have two pages of interesting response. Thanks hun and I look forward to seeing you again. have a nice one. me you and annie have to go collect a little lost spark.
@mummymo (23707)
8 May 08
I have heard that phrase bella sweetheart! In our family though they usually use it to mean someone is spoiled beyond what is good for them! I do think though that when someone is nasty and you remain polite, civil and sweet it really gets up their nose - I have done it many times when I was working while inwardly I seethed and called them every bad name I could think of! xxx
2 people like this
• United States
8 May 08
I have done that when I was a customer service representative for highmark senior products .. .LOL!! I use to be getting my a$$ chewed out becuase they didn't recieve a bill from billing or something wasn't covered that they wanted covered. Man sometimes I wished I could pull these people through the phone.
2 people like this
@mummymo (23707)
8 May 08
that sucks sweetheart! I always try to be at least civil when I have a gripe and always tell the person I know it isn't there fault etc - usually being nice gets you further plus you don't ruin someones whole day xxx
2 people like this
• United States
13 May 08
So true so true!!!
@34momma (13896)
• United States
8 May 08
The term killing them with kindness kinds of washing out what you are trying to do in the first place don't you think? LOL I would say the very best thing to do is not allow anyone to upset you in the first place. you heard the term misery loves company, well when someone "trys" to make you upset that is because they are feeding off it. it is a process, but once you learn to have no reaction at all, you will see how peaceful your mind and life becomes.
• United States
8 May 08
Yeah I'm horrible at having no reaction at times. I do tend to let things get to me only because I'm the kind of person that if you need something I'm most likely to come up with it or help you out when you need it.
2 people like this
@34momma (13896)
• United States
8 May 08
there is nothing wrong with doing that . why would you not help someone out if you could. I say that is a wonderful thing to do. now this is what you have to ask yourself. am i doing this to help someone out or to feel better about me. i say that because say you lend someone $500 dollars because they say they want to buy a car. and they take that money and redo their bathroom. now you are upset becuse they "lied" but if gave it out of being truely kind then who cares what they do with it. you know what i mean??
2 people like this
• United States
8 May 08
I hate this phrase, almost as much as I hate revenge is a dish best served cold. I don't kill people with kindness because it would damn near kill me to be kind to someone I loathe.
• United States
8 May 08
Yes I know this ... Oh by the way How are you today.
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (29383)
• Philippines
8 May 08
yeah this works perfectly miraculous! i mean, i like it so much i can see how things would turn out when you have actually pissed someone off becasue you are too kind and they are expecting you to be raging mad. you can really get to their nerves. believe me it works. and its such a sweet revenge.
2 people like this
• United States
13 May 08
Couldn't agree with you more. I have used this many of times while I worked in customer service. LOL!!! I was considered one of the nicest reps.
@Pitgull (1523)
• United States
8 May 08
You don't know what people have been through. You are kind because you are, not rude because they are. People only learn from example, when your actions do not mimic theirs. I had issues with some girls in highschool. They'd stare weird, I hear them say my name and giggle, but when they talked to me and acted nice (I realized maybe they did want to be my friend, and maybe they were mean for other reasons, they didn't really know who I was yet anyway, and I was going to show them) So when they would talk to me, even knowing they may have said stuff, I'd talk to them. Usually these were the people who didn't pay attention in class, because they didn't understand. But I did. When I ended up near them, they were wary of my presence but when I realized they were trying in class, and I could hear their questions and they were confused, but trying, that's when I'd say hey, this is what we're supposed to do. I think they were so used to the "smart" kids, ignoring them and thinking they were dumb and disruptive, instead of realizing that they were people with questions. I didn't make them feel stupid, and I didn't just give them the answers. I let them know, that I am a kind person, and I will help people who actually need it... I think that's what some of them wanted more than anything, someone who genuinely, wanted to help them...
2 people like this
• United States
13 May 08
very awesome of you!!! Have a nice one
@twoey68 (13651)
• United States
8 May 08
I was always taught that too. I've also heard the saying "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer". I tend to just stay away from ppl I don't like...that way I don't have to deal with them at all. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
2 people like this
• United States
13 May 08
I hear you . LOL!!!! I hear you on that one. I just tend to stay away too.
@tessah (6621)
• United States
8 May 08
when someone is intentionally attempting to cause pain and upset.. im not a turn the other cheek kind sort of person. these sorts are looking for, wanting, a reaction from you. turning indifferent and not giving it.. not giving ANYthing, is the best payback there is. sides.. Karma does more than i could ever possibly dream of in my wildest violent fantasies anyways!
2 people like this
• United States
9 May 08
My SO has a saying Karma's a B!tch and she works for me this year. I have adopted that .. LOL!! I think what ever you do in some way it comes back on you.
@kykidd (6820)
• United States
8 May 08
When I sold used cars, a lot of times people would have buyer's remorse and get upset and hate me right after the sale. After a couple of months (because they paid weekly), they would begin to like me and even send me referrals.
2 people like this
• United States
9 May 08
I always have buyers remorse but I never ever blame the person who sold it to me I always blame myself. LOL!!!!
@Maggiepie (7821)
• United States
9 May 08
Actually, I just had one an hour or two ago. I got a call from a particularly nasty credit agency, & rather than treating them as they (I spoke to multiple agents, & supervisorszs of agents) treated ME, I quietly explained why I wasn't able to pay, treated them kindly, answered every question politely, etc. Then it just got better & better. We had a long & chummy chat, & when we rang off, they were finally convinced I was telling the truth & simply COULDN'T pay 'til I found a job! And the change in their tone was just incredible! The last fellow I spoke to left it up to ME to call back when _I_ was ready! :o) Maggiepie
2 people like this
@TerryZ (22083)
• United States
8 May 08
Yes I have heard of that. And sometimes I do and it really does work. Because they get so mad when your nice they want you to yell at them and when you dont they get even angrier.LOL
@gemini_rose (16193)
8 May 08
How funny you should bring this up, I live by this motto, and it is something that my Mum taught me to do years ago. My Mum and Dad owned and run pubs as a career for about 22 years, so they have come across all sorts of you know whats in that time. I decided to work behind the bar and of course came across the you know whats myself, well I was a bad tempered little so and so and would stand no messing and so I would get in a strop and just threaten to knock their blocks off!! My Mum told me one day, the more you do that the more they will wind you up, the best defence against people like that is to smile and be nice. If you smile and be nice they do not know what to do, it throws them because they are not expecting it. You give them nothing to fight you with so what can they do. So I tried it, and you know what it works!! So when I meet an ar-- you know what, I just smile, be nice and agree with them.
2 people like this
@zed_k4 (17627)
• Singapore
9 May 08
Hello bella, I have done this a couple of times before and usually it worked but other than that, it just made the person on the other end silent and not doing anything at all. It's either they are guilty, or pretending as if they are innocent or something. Well, when that happens, I don't go around playing nice guy anymore. I just keep quiet on my end and if they start to 'act' nice and start all over, then I would do the same method again. I think in this life, there are just many people who loves playing victims. Even if you have done nothing wrong to them, they would go all out and run and tell everyone that you either bully them or make them sad and depressed. If you answer them rudely, they will say that you take things pretty bad, but if you just play the silent game and be the nice guy with not so much comments, they would label you as stuck-up and pretending that nothing has happened. I think these are 'attention-seeking' people and it's sad how sometimes even friends could do you this way. Well, who says the world is filled with perfect humans, right. Take care and have a nice day. Good discussion here, I like it.
@skinnychick (6907)
• United States
9 May 08
This is impossible for me. I can't do it. I always have to tell people what I think. If I don't like you or someone is mean, I either stay away or tell them to p1ss off. Killing someone with kindness would mean I would have to be fake. I have problems doing that. It irritates me.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 May 08
Yup, Yup., Yup. I have heard the expression, and an irony to it all...I heard my step-dad say it, even tho I refer to him as the evil step dad. I don't remember him ever being kind, his rendition was more like "you can attract the bees with honey"...or something similar to that. Anyway. As a child, young adult, I hated him and his stupid remarks towards me and in reference to my brothers. I didn't take the crap, I spilled it all back out on him. But this always made the situation worse. Shortly after I turned 16, I had an epiphany. I just started to smile and nod when he started in on me. He'd make stupid demands and I'd say, "ok" and run off and get it done and return to what I was doing. I treated him with kindness in all aspects. He didn't know how to handle this. It was like seeing a deer in the headlights. My mom and brothers picked up on it, and they all started to do it as well. Not as often as me, but they still did it. He only stuck around a couple more months. His exit from our life was traumatic, as he took many things that were necessary to live, but our lives had never been happier than the time that followed.
@Deea48 (1168)
• United States
8 May 08
My mom was a firm believer of this method. I use it at work mostly, on the people I do not like so much. I am always nice to them, it keeps them from being iky to me anyway, and it helps me from getting all bent out of shape about them as well. I usually do not have to work often with these people. Thank goodness because to keep it up every day would be hard.
1 person likes this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
13 May 08
See my discussion "How to Tame a Stupid Man"...................ROFL
• Canada
12 May 08
The closest I have come is when someone seems to have road rage. Often people tailgate, when they want to pass, but cannot do it safely, which annoys me and I have taken steps to smarten them up. But as they eventually pass, since that is my real goal, to get rid of them so they can go on to have their blasted accident without me, I usually smile sweetly, and wave. Usually muttering something under my breath that they cannot hear, filled with some profanity or criticism of their dreadful driving habits.
@Hatley (164654)
• Garden Grove, California
12 May 08
My mom used to say something similar to that but I found that while that works on some people it does not always work on others.One of my coworkers in the library where I was working always had something grim to talk about.MOst of the staff tended to avoid her but I bent over backwards killing her with kindness and being mary sunshine but all this accomplished was she tried to be my bosom buddy and talked me into the blues with her constant grim stories. I was really glad when she decided to leave for a different job.That time my kindness really did not do what I had hoped it would.