How do you deal with this with you son?

@kaysue4 (951)
United States
May 16, 2008 9:32am CST
Ok, I accept the fact that my son did wrong and made wrong choices, but I am SO torn because he is going to prison for 2 years. I have tried and tried to get him on the right track, but after they turn 18 it is SO much harder. He got with this girlfriend and she came up with this "idea" to rob her aunt one night and they took my son's best friend and also her one cousin who is kinda slow. She also supplied each of them with medication and alcohol, so they were not thinking straight at all. The girl made sure that none of the daughters were in the home and had the best friend and cousin go into the house with CO2 pistols and steal money from them. I accept all of this and this was his choice, but how can I get rid of this feeling that I didn't do a good job raising him. My heart is broken and I am in the phase of blaming myself for not doing a good job with him. Now, his father was one to go out and buy things from the streets that was stolen, I found out then when the boys were younger he taught him how to steal cars and hotwire them. But I tried to tell them that this was not the way to live and do things. I would not allow anything illegal to go on in my home or put up with some of what they tried to do. I would turn them in if they did things wrong, and even press charges on them. But how can I get rid of this feeling that I didn't raise my boys to learn the right way to live, not to steal, not to use people, but he still did this when he spent the night at my house and left from here to goto this house not far from my house. How do you deal with that your oldest will be locked up and has ruined his life? How do you hide the tears that flow everynight? He is bipolar and has anger issues, but that is no excuse at all for what he did. I keep asking myself, were did I go wrong in all of this. How can I get through this? Thanks for reading this.
4 people like this
11 responses
@welshdai (77)
16 May 08
im sorry you have to go thought this,but you should not blame yourself you did the best job you could raised him showing him right from wrong. the best advice is not to blame yourself as you the best job any mother can,and with the father doing that does help at all the best you can do is you take each day as it come with it and you should get thought and also talking help,there are support groups i think out there. maybe him going to prison will help sort him out,but a piece of advice i will give there is when he does come out of prison being there for him and make sure the family welcoming him back,but being push away from the family after prison could just make him turn back to do stuff like these again. i hope this help you and hope you get through it.
3 people like this
@dragon54u (31663)
• United States
16 May 08
I'm so sorry! You did the best you could with what you had and with your husband working against you like that, it's a miracle your son wasn't put in jail before so you did a good job!! You can only do your best and it IS good enough unless you're a negligent and abusive parent, which you apparently weren't. Please don't continue to kick yourself. Now you have to help him get through it and not repeat his mistakes--HIS, not yours! Write to him, send him little care packages of envelopes and stamps or a few dollars in his prison account for such items. Don't lecture him but encourage him to take classes while he's in prison, learn a trade, keep in good physical shape and be ready to start a good life when he's released! He needs you the most right now and you can help turn his life around and negate the influences his dad had one him. And watch your other children, hold your son up as an example to them of paying for mistakes while not putting him down to them. I pray you get through this, as does he. But quit beating yourself up, you did all you could. I'm almost afraid I'll be facing this same thing in the future but, like you, I did the best I could. Hang in there! Be positive and shape the future, don't just lay down and let it run over you and your son!
• Lubbock, Texas
16 May 08
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The hardest thing for a parent to do is "tough love" and it sounds like you've been doing that for your son all his life. He's over 18 now. He's grown and must pay the consequence for his actions. It sounds like you've been making that clear to him as he grew up. I don't know how you can get over the feelings of guilt, but I can tell you that if everything you've told us here is true (and I believe it is) that this is not your fault. Sometimes people just have to hit bottom before they realize how pointless their life is. My prayers and good thoughts are going out to you.
2 people like this
@kaysue4 (951)
• United States
16 May 08
Thank you. I often tell people that sometimes people HAVE to hit rock bottom to be able to climb to the top. Now, his friend has already started his time and he is doing SO great. Bible studies, GED classes, and MultiMedia class. He wants to stay out of trouble and enter into the From Pound to Puppy program and that is were you live with a dog and train the dog to make the dog adoptable. He is having chances for education that he didn't really have here. He had lost his father, the friend, and his whole family fell apart and he had no one. He was also staying here to get off of the streets and was staying out of trouble until that night. So, sad that in five minutes a life can be changed for a lifetime.
2 people like this
• United States
16 May 08
This whole situation is not your fault on your son going to jail for something he knew he wasn't suppose to do. You I think have done a great job on raiseing him from teaching him right from wrong and he heard what you said to him he knew the rules but chose to go down the wrong path still. He is going to have to pay the price for he did the crime and now will do the time and you blame yourself for not raiseing him right. His father on the other hand should be the one to blame for look what he taught his son. I know it breaks your heart but please don't blame yourself. Kids are doing things these days that are illegal and they know it is but don't think they will get caught and the conciqunces behind it. Let him sit there and think for yes now he will have a record that he will have to carry w/ him for the rest of his life and it will never go away. I Hope you will find the peice of mind through this whole situation. I wish you the best of luck take care.
2 people like this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
16 May 08
Well, as parents, we can only do so much. When our children get older, they have to make their own choices and one of the first they make is what they want to accept in regards to what we tried to teach them. Your feelings are understandable, for they didn't turn out like you had hoped they would. But take a moment and consider this: If it were not for the things you taught them, it might be murder he is going to prison for and not just robbery. This just may be what it takes to open his eyes to reality. Don't be too hard on yourself, after all, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
@lucy02 (5017)
• United States
17 May 08
It doesn't sound like you were the one that did a bad job. His father certainly didn't do a good job but your son is old enough to know right from wrong now. Two years is not so very long. It could have been worse. This may be the wake up call he needed before anything worse happened. Is he taking meds for his bipolar? My mom is bipolar and she is wild if she don't take hers.
@kaysue4 (951)
• United States
17 May 08
No, he won't take meds. I tried for years to keep him on meds and they didn't do well at all with him. I keep telling him that he needs meds and he keeps refusing.
1 person likes this
@lucy02 (5017)
• United States
17 May 08
My mom wouldn't take them either. We had to have her put in the hospital but she also has paranoid schizoid disorder which means she has some of the symptoms of schizophrenia but not all. It wouldn't surprise me at all if the bipolar contributed to your son's behavior though. There is a tendency for them to do risky things that they would not normally do.
@MissGia (955)
• United States
17 May 08
Im sure you did the best job you could to raise your boys. Then some Cold Hearted Girl (his girlfriend) got inside his head..I call her cold hearted because she chose to rob her own aunt, and used someone who is "slow" to help commit the crime. He was probably going along to impress her. This is how i see it: It is the parents job to raise their children. when they are adult and "on their own" it is their job to make their parents pround and reflect off of what they were taught. You need to deal with the fact that your son has failed at that. He needs to go to jail (which im sure will be an experience) and you need to be there for him (as in visiting him). Jail straightens out alot of people, maybe this is what he needs.Just be there for him.
@ynigz1 (472)
• China
17 May 08
oh, child sometimes really make me crazy. I don't have my own child now, I don't once I have one, how can I deal with he/she. ur, I hope that's a girl.
• Bahamas
17 May 08
I'm so sorry to hear this kaysue. As mothers we feel responsible for our childrens shortcommings, and that is not always the case. It seems to me you did all you could to spare him hurt.Your son has a mind of his own, and is free to make choices good or bad. I know how hard this is for you and could only imagine the hurt your heart must be feeling, Our kids do things that reach out and effect everyone that cares about them. I can only pray that God gives you the strenght to cope with this, this is a hard lesson but a lesson none the less. You will survive this, the tears will come.. but look at them as a cleansing, for God will not put more on you than you could carry...{{{hugs dear}}}
17 May 08
I think I can accept that because every child their opinior to do things .In this way ,they think is right! We should allow for their youth!Everyone has been youth !everyone has done wrong things! As their parents ,I think wo should always tell them what they should do and what they should not do.And just in this way ,a young child can grow up!this is the hope of the world and the country's .
@ryshawneo (405)
• Philippines
17 May 08
I'm so sorry to what happen.. don't feel bad, because you did your best as a mom.. just pray for him, always and ask to guide him in the right way! Sometimes, people have to commit such mistake before he could finally realize everything and would change.. Let him realize it later.. I know, God is merciful, He will help you.. :)