caring for old parents

May 24, 2008 6:05am CST
I am youngest of two brothers and three sisters. Though we belong to a beautiful and picturesque town Almora(uttarakhand in India) my job keeps me in a small town in Madhya Pradesh (India). My old mother who is 95 years old stays with us. She is totally bed ridden but not sick and needs to be cared accordingly. she is to be lifted physically and taken to toilet / bathroom when required and fed by hand. Me and my wife do all this. But my mother is not happy as she longs for our ancestoral home in uttarakhand. This is not possible because of my job. My brother and one of my sisters who are in a convenient position to look after motherhave refused to share this responsibility and have even told me to put her in a hospital. I can't understand as to how own son and daughter can be so heartless when it comes to care for old parents. We are doing our best to look after mother but at times we are badly stuck when we are required to move out of station for short duration for important commitments. We have missed out on many good moments in life because of this. All this because we have no one else to take care of my mother. Kindly advise.
3 people like this
9 responses
@eihdra (3116)
• Philippines
24 May 08
First of all, welcome to Mylot!! I admire you and your wife for taking care of your mother..I know it's hard work but that you must be doing it because you love you mother so much..As for you brother and sister, dont' mind them, they just don't want this big responsibility and might be just thinking about themselves..It's a tough decision, though, if your mother wants to go back to her native place..because your job is at stake...Think it over and have a talk with your wife and mother. If you can have a paid leave of absence, then, take your mother home even for a short time..
4 people like this
• United States
25 May 08
We can all make the assumption that they (brother and sister) are being selfish, maybe they are not capable of dealing with the mental anguish that goes along with caring for an elderly parent. Not wanting to recent the mother or have her feel like a burden. Some people just are not mentally capable of doing this. It is very difficult to see your parent bedridden and can be a psychological strain, I honestly think it is much better she be with the couple verses the others that are reluctant. (for whatever reasons) Myself I would do the same for my parents whenever they needed it. Like you also admire the couple for caring for thier mom. Just to let them know it takes special people to do this on a full time basis and I applaud you.
4 people like this
26 May 08
Dear Eithdra, Thanks for kind words . Your comments have given me more energy to go ahead with what I am already doing. durgapal
@eihdra (3116)
• Philippines
27 May 08
@lieanat (1140)
• Malaysia
25 May 08
Hi, you and your wife are doing great job in caring for your mum. I salute both of you. I think you brother and sister are just too selfish on their own need without appreciating your mum's love and sacrificial hearts for them. Have you try to find job at your own hometown? You get the current job might due to there is no vacancy at your hometown. Who knows there is right now? Or you can make a deal with your mum that you will bring her back for vacation during weekends. I think it will better than she stay all day in your current house. Hope this help.
@nupats (3564)
• India
25 May 08
hi, that was a grt suggestion...but unfortuanately wont work for him since he is in a Govt job and cannot quit befor 2 years..this person is my DAD..
1 person likes this
@lieanat (1140)
• Malaysia
25 May 08
Hi, the son. I wasn't aware of his job requirement. But I think we can request for transfer right? If still can't work, maybe you can bring more laughter to your grandmum and cheer her up.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
24 May 08
i know it's really hARD in your case to take all the responsibility in taking care of your mother as her child....and you felt unfair that it's you who carry all his needs now.. ....i think JUSt don't be worry at all....co'z all you have done has great deeds in return to your life someday... ---just be GLAD and feel HAPPY to yourself that even though into your busy lives you had time for your mother As what she did into you when you are young...how LUCKY are you that you'd been with her till the end of her life ..*hopefully*.. for with your care to her she will keep watchin you .... just be THANKFUL...and don't let taking responsibility end up the binds on what is bein a love of mother to a child and child to a mother... +Not every body live life and guided by their parents,, so just do what you can.. *jam* -live life- keep it simple****
26 May 08
Thank u very much -durgapal
• Lubbock, Texas
25 May 08
My heart goes out to you and your wife and your mother. I know it's hard at that age to be in a strange place. It's also hard for a child to care for a parent so disabled. I'm sorry you and your wife are left to care for her alone while your brother and sister don't help at all. I understand you not wanting to put her in a hospital. It would break her heart and you wouldn't ever be sure she was getting the proper care. Sometimes that is the best answer for some people, but for others facing the hardships that come with the responsibility is preferable. I can't advise you on this, because I don't know what the hospitals are like there, what the financial burden would be or how it would effect you emotionally to put her in one, but my prayers can go out for you that you will make the best decision for you. Your brother and sister sound indifferent and selfish in your writing, but I don't know their heart. Please try not to get bitter toward them because they don't help.
2 people like this
26 May 08
Thanks for your kind words. Your comments have strenghtened my resolve to coninue with my responsibility. - durgapal
@webeishere (36353)
• United States
25 May 08
I too am a caregiver for my elderly (83) father. He is not in bad health but needs to be watched after as he does fall. He asked to move in with us. The nice thing is if I ever get to where I can't care for him I have an older brother whom would take dad in and continue the care. Dad does not mind who cares for him as long as he is not in a nursing home. He does most things for himself. Except he can't cook nor lift very much. He does walk, very little, he does use the toilet on his own etc. But he needs to be watched most times as his legs and muscles are wekk. HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
26 May 08
your comments have been quite soothing and encouraging . Thanks. -durgapal
@Hatley (164485)
• Garden Grove, California
25 May 08
You have two brothers and three sisters and yet they let you take on the burden of caring for your mom all by yourselves. tell them that she is their mother too and you have to have a break in this, they should have to step in and take over,it is their turn and god forbid if anything should happen to them when they are old and their kids would not take care of them. I am eighty one and partly disabled and my son and I live together. I can care for myself but c annot work. go to your sisters 'and your brother and tell them shame, this is your mother we are talking about ,it is your turn. we cannot do this forever we need your help.
1 person likes this
26 May 08
Thanks for taking time off to advise me -durgapal
• Kottayam, India
25 May 08
although this is difficult caring your mother will be a great thing you are doing. Your brother and sister can help you financially if they are not able to take care personally. God will bless your effort.if you can find some domestic help when you are going out will be fine.
1 person likes this
@vaishalik (237)
• India
25 May 08
I am proud of you my friend as a Indian, as you are doing such a great work. You must be thankful to the God for he has given you this chanse to serve your mother. But I know it is very difficult some times. Try to find someone who can care your mother in your busy times only or it will be better if you can take her for some days to your native place for her happiness & also for your relief.
1 person likes this
@nupats (3564)
• India
25 May 08
It is very sad...with chnging times nobody wants to take any responsibility the stongest bond betwen parent and child is also overlooked by the gen next...i know ur situation very well in fact no one can know better than me...i know there may be no wayout for u ....i and my brother often talk abt this and we r very proud of u DAD bcoz u have given us values in life and u even give a right example by following them yourself.....i cant say abt uncles and aunts if they will ever agree to take any responsibility that God is also watching them, but u two r doing a grt service...i and deepu will always b there for u...love u ...take care..
1 person likes this