To be put in the nursing home, or not to be put in one..

@cream97 (29179)
United States
May 28, 2008 1:23pm CST
My mother-in-law does not want to go to a nursing home. She said that she told her husband that she does not want to go to one, and he told her that she won't have too. My mother-in-law has Osteoporosis. My father-in-law is an diabetic. In 2007, he went to the hospital and his sugar was up to 1000. He was hospitalized for about 2 to 3 weeks. My mother-in-law sometimes get into a very bad pain.. She said she will be hurting, and it would feel like someone sticking needles in her. She would be in so much pain until she is crying.. There are times, where she would be walking on a cane and in a walker... She can hardly do for herself.. She has a nurse that comes over to help her.. For 2 hrs or so.. After that, the nurse leaves, and no longer can come back to my mother-in-law's home. It is hard for her to wash herself up in the tub.. She only washes off in the sink... Her kids told her that she needs to be put in a nursing home, but her husband got mad at them for saying this.. My father-in-law stays gone from the house from 7 or 8 in the morning, and he does not come back until 9 or 10 that night.. He hardly comes home, but when he do, it is just for about 5 or 10 minutes. He hardly calls my mother-in-law to check on her.. Sometimes, he will not get her prescription while he is out, my husband will have to go and get it.. What do you think? If something was to ever happen to my father-in-law, would you think that my mother-in-law will need to go to a nursing home? She hardly has anyone to do for her, and her family from New Jersey never comes to visit.. I have never seen them.. A niece or aunt of hers will call, but that is about it.. What is going to happen here, in the near future?
8 people like this
12 responses
@Hatley (113075)
• Garden Grove, California
29 May 08
i was just wondering is your mother in law by any chance'also diabetic as untreated diabetes can cause nerve damage to ones feet and legs resulting in painful needle like burstsin the feet and the legs.she should be checked at once. It sounds to me like she may wellhave to go to a nursing home unless she' has a family member who can care for her.her husband does not seem to be paying enough attention to her..
2 people like this
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
29 May 08
It could be.. But do you know what the strangest thing is? The doctors can't find out what is really wrong with her...
1 person likes this
@grammasnook (1877)
• United States
28 May 08
Honestly with taking care of my dad, my father in law and my mother in law, all at different times. They requested not to go to in a nursing home in fear of being left. They stayed home in the am before work my husband would go over feed breakfast pick up and get anything they needed until I got there to make lunch, made sure they had drinks and snacks. Then I would go back bring them dinner and get them ready for bed. All three passed away in thier environment. I myself hate nursing homes most people that work there do just that work. I really do not blame her. I have asked my children not to put me in a nursing home I want to die at home. It is really up to the family on whether they are able to deal with this situation. The way I look at it is they raise us and now they need us then we should be there if it is possible. Then you have the legal part to all of this, which is as long as she has her witts about her she is the one that makes the decisions. It is a long process to get guardianship, if she is taking care of herself, even if it seems to take her forever. I would definately get her prescriptions delivered to make sure she doesnt run out. Maybe you can take some time and make her some freezer meals that she can just pop in the microwave. Is meals on wheels available in your area. I wish his family luck in the future and I wish his mom well!
2 people like this
• United States
29 May 08
assistant living can be very expensive, if they own a home or have any kind of savings they will take that along with monthly checks. She may not want everything they worked for to be wisked away for that. I think it is horrible that the elderly has to pay so much out of the little that they get.
2 people like this
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
28 May 08
That is a horrible situation! It sounds as though the father-in-law is too stubborn to consider help. It also sounds like his wife really needs some. Maybe a nursing home isn't the answer. There are assisted living places, where you actually have your own place (call it a "condo" and they think it sounds better). It's like an apartment house, but there are nursing staff there, as well as doctors. They make sure that everyone is okay every day, that they eat, and so on. They would both qualify, I believe, because of your father-in-law's diabetic condition. Why is he gone so much of the day? Is he working? He may have to be declared disabled if he is not already to qualify for assisted living, but I think it would be the best thing for both of them. They could stay together, and have the security of knowing that they are near help, should they need it. I hope this helps. Take care.
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
29 May 08
Yes he is working.. He is gone so much in the day, because he is supposed to be working... So he says.. It is a sad situation..
1 person likes this
@kenzie45230 (3563)
• United States
30 May 08
If the needs of your mother-in-law are not being met, then something should probably be done. If I were you, I'd would contact elderly services in your area and ask them to send out a social worker who can access the situation. There may be more at home help for which she can qualify - like having someone help with light cleaning, fixing meals and with bathing. That's what home health aides do. I've known elderly people (my own mother-in-law included) who had these services. The home health aides came in for 2-3 hours each day, and the nurse at a different time also for about 2 hours at a time. You also might call Meals on Wheels to see if they can deliver meals for her. The social worker can give you and her an idea of the differet services available. He/she can also advise if your mother-in-law would be better off in an assisted living center or nursing home. Ii don't think that families should ever promise the elderly that they will not have to go to assisted living or nursing homes. You never know when the circumstances will be too much for the family to handle.
2 people like this
@checapricorn (16076)
• United States
28 May 08
Are they far from you cream? I also don't like the idea of a nursing home. It will be very depressing for them to be alone there, although there are other people but it is hard when you are not with your family. If I am in the situation, I will ask her to move with us in that case, if I have no work, I can take care of her. Then ask the nurse to clean her everyday so that she will not be having a hard time cleaning herself, plus put everything she needs close to her before the nurse will leave since she will only report for 2 hours!
2 people like this
@cher913 (25902)
• Canada
28 May 08
well i wouldnt want to be a burden to my kids at all, so i would be alright with going into a NICE one...my parents volunteer at one where they have activities every day of the week and it seems pretty nice. another alternative is what my aunt did. she lived in a seniors apt which had meals made, but she had her own room (almost like a mini apt!) she could do stuff there and have friends over and make snacks for herself, but didnt have to worry about cooking.
2 people like this
@faith210 (11233)
• Philippines
30 May 08
Hi cream97! That is tough! I think that it will be better that she is in a nursing home so she can be taken care of properly since your father in law just leaves her for long hours and even forgets to get her prescriptions. If no one in the family especially the children can not very well take care of her, I guess it is best that she be in a nursing home. I have heard that there are a lot of good nursing homes and the old folks are given activities so they won't be bored. However, here in our country we don't have nursing homes since the elderly are always taken care of by the children. And it is alright taking care of them because most of the families here have house helpers or maids. Take Care and God Bless! Have a smile in your heart always!
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
30 May 08
Yes you are right as always, Faith210. My mil has to realize that there are decent and fair nursing homes out there.. Everybody is not out to do you any harm. I was told by a relative of the family that my mil is capable of taking care of herself. I don't think that is true at all. When I was living with her and she was sick, she could hardly take care of herself at all. So, I can't agree with that statement..
2 people like this
@faith210 (11233)
• Philippines
30 May 08
Hi cream97! I just hope that a family member would be able to convince your mil and fil that it is the for the best good of your mil to be in a nursing home. And maybe, she can choose her own nursing home so that she wouldn't be that so fearful. Maybe that family member can visit nursing homes with her and see all the activities inside the homes. I think if she will be having a lot of activities in the home, there is a great possibility that she may change her outlook on life and relations. Because right now, I can see her so bitter, empty and lonely. Take Care and God Bless! Have a smile in your heart always!
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
31 May 08
Yes, and all for every reason why she should be put into one...
1 person likes this
@RebeccaLynn (2256)
• United States
30 May 08
Nursing homes are expensive. So it really depends on their' financial situation. And if she doesn't want to go live in a nursing home, she should not be forced to. I have seen many people forced into nursing homes and they tend to give up and die. If she is continent (doesn't wet herself) and if they have the finances, there are many really nice assisted living apartments. Or, she could hire another nurse that will stay with her longer. She could also hire someone just to sit with her in case she does need help. Then she could stay in her own home. Both my sister in-law and my niece sit with the elderly in their' homes and help with things like cooking and light housekeeping. It's an option that you should check in to for her.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
31 May 08
Or maybe her kids can do it... I have done enough for her.. It is time that they take some of the heat, especially her oldest daughter...
1 person likes this
• Bahamas
29 May 08
Well knowing some of the history. I think there's a big possibility that's exactly what will happen to your mil. Unless someone in the family take on the responsibility, i really dont see any other alternative. Your fil hardly show's any consideration towards her as it is, and his showing anger at the mere suggestion of a nursing home, leads me to believe that he expects his kids to take on the job of caring for her.I'm not to big on nursing homes myself, but in ths case that may be the best choice. I dont know how this will play out, but in a way i feel sorry for your mil.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
29 May 08
I agree with you 100%... That is where she will have to go, eventually.. From what I do know, there is no one that can take care of her... When she was down and sick, the nurse was the only one there, and her husband would be gone as soon as the nurse comes, he is never present at the house during those times.. Once he came by, but that was it.. Yes he does not show nay consideration towards her.. I also feel very sorry for her, but this may end up happening whether she wants it to or not..
1 person likes this
• United States
29 May 08
Well mabey she will feel better in an assisted living home. they come and clean and stuff for her. but its kinda like having your own apartment:) mabey she will like that. Really if it were me and my mother was going through this hard times. i would do what i can for her. before i would let her go to a nursing home if she doesnt wanna go. I would never tel my mother s he needs to go to a nursing home. before i ever even tried to help her... she took care of me my whole life. I understand your huby didnt say this but the other kids is what im tlaking about. And her husband should step in and help alot more. If you are home during the days. you could go to the dr's with her. and help explain the pain she is having mabey he can give her somthing to make that disapeer, Just got to try
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
29 May 08
Yes, this sounds suitable for her, I will admit..
1 person likes this
@rinkub (231)
• India
29 May 08
The situation is a very sensitive one. While the elderly need medical attention often, especially those who are afflicted by some disease or the other, I think what they need more and much much more is to feel loved and cared for. Many a time, it is loneliness and a feeling of being unwanted that results in illness. I have personally seen the elderly get well the moment they are at the centre of family activities, the moment they feel that they are waned and loved by their children and the grandchildren. Yes, sometimes the elderly can be unreasonable, just as the young are. But, that is to be taken with a pinch of salt. If there is an immediate medical problem, they should be treated and then brought back home. Yes, it is not possible to nurse anyone(be they old or young, round the clock, but some sort of assistance such as a nurse can be provided. And, yes such services are costly. Then, it is up to the respective families to arrange for the finances. When our parents brought us up, they would always provide the best for us, even if it meant sacrificing their own needs, without a moment's hesitation. At least mine did. Then why is it that we forget it so soon? We can spend huge amounts on parties and holidays, but when it comes to providing a nurse or medical help to our elderly helpless parents, we cringe? Nothing brings more good fortune than the blessings of our parents and we should consider it our good luck to look after them .
• United States
31 May 08
It sounds like the best place for your mother-in-law is in a nursing home or at least a assisted living apartment. I know that nursing homes have bad reps but there is good ones out there. You would just have to search until you find the right one that you are comfortable with. Also it would have to be a case that someone visits on a regular basis so that they don't know when you are going to be coming through the door to visit. What you have to take in consideration what is best for her and approach it to her in such a matter that she knows she has a choice in where ever she goes to live. But she does need some help or else one day they will find her on the floor and then they will kick themselves for not doing what needs to be done.
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
31 May 08
Yes,that is what I am saying... Something needs to be done.. I guess my fil feels that, that will never happen to her, but he just don't know...