letter from a friend!

United States
June 11, 2008 12:52pm CST
I got this yesterday from a friend who is like me a newly wed. Not my close friend really since we have met once only during our seminar in my Country. Anyway, I am looking forward to hear from a couple whose relationship is tested and proven by the different storms in life.. A part of the letter... I am very mad and in pain this time. I do not know if it’s me creating this problem or the people around me. I wake up every morning staying alone watching the news while my husband is spending his time reading his emails and researching online. Only the goodbye kiss will bring us closer in the day. I will spend all day alone in the house and when he got home in the afternoon, he will be busy again fixing his PC or doing some research again. I hate to complain but I do not like the routine. I open up once but he will always say that I have to get used to it. My words for her in my replied were: just ask him again that you mean what you ask for and maybe just be patient until he will be over in fixing things since it will be for their own good!I am looking forward for more wonderful advise that I could share to my friend!
3 people like this
16 responses
@vera5d (4007)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I think sometimes what you have to do is be more giving to get more in a relationship. My hubby is a saint in being patient with how much attention I give my computer and my kids. What they need is to take some time away - go somewhere new or maybe out on a date. A job would help her a lot or even a hobby. It sounds like she needs something to keep her equally as occupied. Maybe this blog post I wrote awhile ago could help?? http://www.itmightbelove.com/2008/05/05/rekindle-your-relationship/
2 people like this
• United States
14 Jun 08
Thanks vera, I agree with what you have said, she needs something to do so when times like that, she is also occupied. She is my referral but not an active one! I will forward this blog! Thanks!
1 person likes this
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
12 Jun 08
I think maybe I would suggest to your friend to arrrange a weekend trip away to break the routine. As sometimes relationships can too easily get stuck in a rut. Maybe if they go away together and spend some quality time together she may not feel so alone and she can feel close to her husband again. I do not think it was very nice of her husband to tell her to get used to it, he sounds a bit insensitive to her needs. If he cared about her, he would not speak to her that way. Maybe she could try using I statements when you do this I feel...... I would like it if you could.......
2 people like this
• United States
12 Jun 08
I agree kiran, those words were just too heavy for a girl who is feeling down this time.I will suggest her about that idea, it might be good for them to unwind and away from their regular routine..
@longbangod (1791)
• Philippines
12 Jun 08
I wonder why they have that arrangement. If they are newly wed, they must have been spending more time together this time. I am also thinking if the husband do it (fixing or using his pc) for the whole day. Anyway, I think you have to know more about their situation before you could a draw a good and wise advice.
2 people like this
• United States
12 Jun 08
Hello longabangod, I am asking the same way as what you have presented here,fortunately, I can't see her anymore online. Maybe she is still sad about it or what! I have a very limited info about her situation and I hope I will hear from her today! Thanks for your view!
1 person likes this
@cupid74 (11395)
• Pakistan
12 Jun 08
Hi dear its not that tough situation as u are potraying i can understand her situation and frustration, but do u think it will bring some results, other then fight??, well i am male but i am sure girls know and must know how to distract and attract their husbands, why she is complaining, why dont she use other tactics and slowly and gradually change his routine, he might be really busy and gradual change can be excepted and no notice able. you know 2 things patience is a key and any thing in hurry may result in regrets other, stay their and things will be change and its also urself to do it, no one else will do it for u forward the same to her
• United States
12 Jun 08
wow! Very subtle yet effective way for sure cupid. I will relay this wonderful message to my friend and hopefully also she will not just sit down and be depressed, or else her husband will just find it unhealthy too!
@cupid74 (11395)
• Pakistan
13 Jun 08
hmmmmm u mean u will forward it or not well i believe that all problems must be addresses properly and on time, to linger on mesans to let it grow
• United States
14 Jun 08
Hi cupid, well, she needs advice and I have limited experience yet being early in this marriage life so I am glad I am getting a lot of wonderful responses from all of you, I will forward these to her for her to reflect on!
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
17 Jun 08
hello che, i know this post was been a week old now but i didnt get the chance to see it that early, my bad haha! anyway, i am sorry to hear about your friend you didnt mention how long is the dating process, how much she knows about him as well as how much he knows about her, and how they end up being married and all that. i asked this coz i know there are some people who have married for other reason other than love, but i think hers is not the case. the thing is, you mention that they are newly wed like you so i cannot assume how long is the dating process. i said this coz some couple get used to the sweetness during the dating period and after marriage they realized it is a complete difference and that gives a shock to either or both. i dont know if they spend long enough time before the marriage or they just knew each other by words or online. THOUGH some relationship who are together personally still suffer from that during the marriage period. knowing each other is very important and it will be hard to be there when either dont even really know each other or the other is not giving the other the chance to know them well. i understand that your friend feels alone as she comes from a different country and there could also be a culture shocked in case she havent been away from her country that long. so there are so many factors but despite all this her husband should understand her situation. i dont have an answer for her but i can only share mine. my hubby works a lot and he does loves to read and be on the computer after work., i have learned that it is his personality so i have to respect that BUT i make him know that if i need time then he have to spend time with me and nothing else as i need it to make sure that i am not feeling alone or would rather want to have it with someone else other than him. your friend should approach her hubby and opened up completely and told him at the beginning of the conversation that she is not complaining and just only saying what is in her heart and that is for the betterment of the relationship. if she cannot say everything face to face THEN her other option is write him an email. my hubby and i communicate a lot be it verbally or printed, it helps us understand what we are feeling without worrying that the other will interrupt us. if her hubby is the kind of man who seems to be defensive to whatever she says then it is better to write him an email coz some guys realizes what they are doing wrong as well as right when they have it on their eyes and not on their ears. also, if she needs attention she should let him know upfront BUT make sure that she not gonna nag him for that and just ask in a very sweet manner. i always tell my hubby if i am missing him even if he is at home, or if i want something, i will write an "i love you or i miss you" note to a place where he is always present, then he will ask me why i miss him so that will be the start of the conversation. your friend should not expect a lot and just be who she is, she is married to a foreign guy and some guys even same ethnicity have different personality so she have to understand and learn her hubby and be bale to come up with the solution that will match his personality. i hope she knows her man well that she can communicate with him with no fear. an email is the best start as far as i know coz there will be no confusion and just have straight words on it. my hubby respond to my email a lot though we are together almost 24/7, in such way he can express himself and i can understand him more. also, patience is good BUT if she is hurting often and she sees it is not working out there is no other way than face it. no need to worry about the out come JUST express herself and let her hubby knows what is inside. i guess that is the secret of my relationship, we are not perfect but for almost 5 years we never fight like most couples do and others see us as if we are honeymooners coz we take each time a time to get to know each other more and as we learn the love grows and not just die. nurture is important, and if you cannot talk to your partner how can you nurture such love? wish you all the best as well as her, i hope by now she get the chance to answer all her worries and hope she feels much better. takecare
• United States
18 Jun 08
Hi jair, thanks for this sharing. Actually, I have forwarded to her the different tips I learned from other members and I will be considering your detailed advise too..I didn't hear from her yet and I am hoping they were able to sit down and talk about it.Last time she called me after her email, she said her husband will bring her to LA for a vacation..SO, maybe he was able also to realize the needs of his wife..They were engaged for 2-3 years and often meet, maybe that time her husband was just stresses I am not sure since her email didn't give the detail info..Maybe adjusting also since she was used to work and now like me she has to wait until she will get her working permit so tend to be more emotional. I thought referring her to this site will help her but she doesn't enjoy here, I do know why..LOL
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
18 Jun 08
hello che, that would be great if they are out for vacation and they can spend quality time together and be able to talk and get closer as it is very important to have sometime together without any distraction on it specially work LOL thanks for the all the information, that is good that they have known each other for quite sometime as it helps them understand each other (i hope that is the case) you're very kind to forward all the suggestions you got from here, i hope she didnt see that as you broadcasting her life haha. i guess, she have here own choice of where and how to spend her time and not mylot. not working can be very hard specially if she is used to it, it can caused depression i have a feeling that she is already to that point but at least she have you to share her thoughts and that is already a great help and a release in her part. btw, you mention that you dont have a work permit or is it her? thought you guys been here for a year so i wonder why it is the case? anyway, if you need help or clarification you are much welcome to PM and i'll be happy to help. have a good one. takecare
• United States
19 Jun 08
Hi jair, thanks again,She is very open about it, like soliciting advice from here! I am still fresh here, LOL, no working permit yet! Thanks for the offer..
@kaleegirl45 (1474)
• United States
11 Jun 08
This is hard, since you really don't know what type of person he is. Has he always been that way, fixing things first than his wife. And if she already knew that he was that type of person than I really don't know what she wants. For being a newly wed. there should be more romance going on. Getting home to his wife would be something more than fixing his PC. What she needs to do, is be frank and let him know exactly what she wants. For her to ask him to give her an hour and explain why he is being tht way. Does he still love her? How long have they been together before they got married? It could be so many different things. and tell her instead of her being at home all day, she should go shopping, find a part time job, do something for herself, this way she won't feel lonely. Getting out of the house would make her feel better. Than maybe her husband will notice that she is gone. You know, maybe she should do the same thing he is doing to her. Use the same treatment.
• United States
11 Jun 08
Hello kaleegirl, It's really hard to advise to both people I don't know much..ANyway, I am also glad that she has that trust for me.. They've been engaged for 2 years but long distance relationship.I will consider that suggestions about going out and unwind.I understand her feelings since I am not also working and it's quite hard, I am just lucky to have a very supportive and loving partner. Anyway, Thanks for the detailed information.
• United States
11 Jun 08
It kind of hard to see how a person acts when it's a long distance relationship. I also stay at home, taking care of my mother. I use to work and staying home makes hard for myself. If I'm lucky I get to get out on saturdays. I keep myself busy with school and on here. I hope your friends marriage works out. sometimes when a the man is acting like that, thing turn out to go different ways.
• United States
11 Jun 08
I agree and I even asked my husband for his opinion since he can relate more being a man....Same idea as what I got, she needs to be open and the have to talk about it and if the guy will refuse to cooperate, maybe then, it will be hard for them to fix their problems.
@lishiwei (1553)
• China
11 Jun 08
Oh,I think your husband maybe also don't want to be like that.He just want you two have a better life.I think you should have a babby and find a job,then you will find that your life is very different.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jun 08
Hi lishiwei,maybe that's the reason. Anyway, thanks for sharing!
@shooie (4989)
• United States
11 Jun 08
Computer - Computers are only machines
Having a baby and finding a job doesn't fix things. So many times people have babies thinking that is what will fix their marriage or whatever problem and sometimes it doesn't and the child suffers for it. Plan some special nights. Candle lite dinners and maybe a movie to snuggle up on the couch with. Plus would you rather have him home fixing his PC or out hanging with his buddies in a bar and not home at all. Do what I do when my hubby goes into his lil room where his computer is. I go in there and wrap my arms around him from behind kiss his neck and whisper I love you baby. He goes to the computer I go to him.
• United States
11 Jun 08
Hello shooie, That is a better idea! maybe in that case, her husband will be more sensitive once he noticed that his wife is supporting him instead of complaining!
@SomeCowgirl (32271)
• United States
12 Jun 08
I am not sure about your culture and how loyal a woman must be to her husband. However, I think that you should have her talk to her husband and ask if he could spend more time with her and if not if she could do anything to help him while on the computer researching or fixing the computer. I hope that she gets her answer soon and that her relationship with the husband goes better. Did she live with her husband before marriage?
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jun 08
They don't but meet like every year during the relationship. I am also hoping that she will find way to take an action since we all know that a person will not be spending time to fix something once it is not needed, I agree with you instead of making it an as issue, she has to extend her time and effort to help her husband..Nice view.Thanks!
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32271)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I am glad that I could be of help to you an your friend. I hope that her relationship problem's mend themselves. Good Luck To Her and You. Have a Great day.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Jun 08
Thanks SOmeCowgirl! I appreciate it!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Jun 08
I think your friend and her husband should really take the time to talk about it. Since he married your friend, his duty is not only with his gadgets but with your friend too. For me, he can't just say that your friend should get used to it. He must also adapt to the life that he entered, a married life. My husband was also the same as you friend's. But before things get worse, I talked to him about it. I told him, his responsibility now already includes me and our kids, not his laptop, not his internet. If it's work, he has 8 hours a day to do it in the office, so he shouldn't bring it at home. If it's just recreation, well, are his recreations worth more than us, his family? He should give us part of his time, since we are building a family here. Our kids also need a father. Eventually, my words sunk unto him, and agreed. Your friend needs to talk to her husband and make him understand the importance of family, so that it will never be broken.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jun 08
Hi BloomerBeak, Thanks for this great story and a real life base. I am also hoping that by the second time she will talk to her husband, he will see that my friend is serious and needs time to build up the relationship!
• Philippines
13 Jun 08
No problem. Anything that I can help.. ^_^
@gr8life (6253)
• Malaysia
31 Jul 08
Hello checapricorn, It's been two months and I hope you already got what you're looking for. Sorry for digging your old discussion *winks* (One of my friends here told me that not all people like us digging their old discussions!) I think I can relate the same problem with my own. I guess as an ordinary human being, we are selfish - we always complain though in fact when we think carefully, there are others whose lives worse than us. My husband and I are very much in love (but...he's not a romantic type of person) but our daily lives is just like a routine. We both working and we only have time when we reach home - that means, at night. When my husband reaches home, he will help me to take care our son like watching TV with him, play with him and etc. while I will go straight to my room, change my working attire, cleaning the house a bit and start to cook for dinner. Right after dinner, my husband will go to his computer room till the time he feels sleepy and it normally means almost or after midnight. As for me, my house chores are never ending till I close my eyes. I complained once to him that I hate the routine and he doesn't really help me at home. He told me that he takes care of the son while I preparing meals and always, always there to help me. He didn't understand why I still complaining and asked me to look at other couple's life as comparison. I thought about it...and yes, he's right! Then, he complained once to me that we don't really spend time together and it's time for me to give a reason - I told him that we need to divide our times fairly between our jobs and family. Whenever I am at home, I try to do my best to always be with him and our son. I can't just sit all night doing nothing. I still need to cook for his dinner, still to attend our son's needs and so on. Since he complained about it, I made a point to spend at least an hour with him before we go sleeping and talk or discuss whatever we need to and sometimes, joke with each other. Dear friend, I think when you get what you really want before, you tend to ask for more!
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Jul 08
Hi gr8life, No problem about digging my old discussions..It's my pleasure! LOL! I am doing the same when I have no notifications here so, I can relate too! I actually talk to this friend of mine and relay all this wonderful responses I got and I like your sharing too... You are very correct saying that when we get what we want, we will ask for more..LOL! Human indeed is insatiable! ANyway, we have the same routine too..We can't just sit down all night just for the sake of being sweet and romantic..LOL! We have things to attend to! My friend was 23 and I thought she is not that matured enough or she was shocked the reality of marriage! We have to give time for ourselves too!
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164757)
• Garden Grove, California
16 Jun 08
tell your friend that she should actually talk to her' husband and communicate just what she has told you,that she feels alone and unappreciated and needs some attention from her own husband, he surely can give up a few minutes of computer time to make his wife feel she is appreciated by him as a fellow human being not just a fixture. Communication in marriage is so very' important and no she doesnt have to get used to it, he has' to have some compassion here.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Jun 08
Hi Hatley, I guess that what she needs best which was just taken for granted by her husband and I was able to forward to her the different suggestions here. I am waiting for her words..Thanks for dropping!
@subha12 (18454)
• India
12 Jun 08
i appreciate your response. that guy must be busy. but he also need to think that when he newly married this person. the lady also wants something in life. work is good but not too much of it.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jun 08
Hello subha, I know and understand my friend a lot since I am a girl but I just do not know the entire story, if it is their daily scene or occasionally! Thanks for dropping by!
• South Korea
12 Jun 08
Maybe this is his routine even before they were married. Tell you friend to try to open up the issue to her husband. He maybe think that your friend wouldn't mind if he continues this routine.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jun 08
Yea, she tried to talk to him about it and she said, her husband told her to get to used on it, and I told her, talk to him again and this time, tell him that you mean what you ask for. I hope they will resolve this issue! Thanks!
@yogeshdhusa (2237)
• India
12 Jun 08
Hi checapricorn, I feel that he is not doing this purposely, i feel she should help him in his work or ask her to do someting else where she become busy.( ask her to join mylot and other home business) If this doesnt help then i think she should speak to him (not complaining) aboud spending valuable time together. or she should plan a 2 hr or one day outing which will refresh the romance in betweeen them. hope this will help... enjoy :)
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jun 08
Hello yogeshdhusa, Thanks for the wonderful advice. Actually, she is one of my 7 referrals who are all inactive. I don't understand why they don't enjoy here where infact, I can't spend a day without doing Mylot!I will consider that suggestions and relay to her!
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
12 Jun 08
If its an at home business hes doing research for, then maybe she can help in some way. Otherwise perhaps they could set up a day off where he only spent his free time with his wife.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jun 08
Yea, I guess she needs to open up. ANyway, I know she asked him once and she said, he just ignore her..Thanks jer!
@howard96h (11663)
• New York, New York
11 Jun 08
There is only so much computer fixing and research one can do. They need to make some time - pick a couple of nights where they spend time together, a good movie, a romantic setting, some of their favorite munchies and just enjoy the night together. Whether he's working on his pc or watching sports on tv every night of the week and basically ignoring the family is causing a problem now and they need to make couple of family nights a weeks. I think she should also find something of interest for the times that he wants to escape on his computer, she needs to find something to occupy that time. They each need their own time but also time together.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jun 08
I agree howard, as a person, we need our own time to be alone and do things and also time to be together, I guess my friend is just too bored and wanted to have her husband's time a lot.. I hope she will be able to handle it and overcome the situation. I was telling her maybe their PC also needs to be fix and it will be good for both of them.